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With the increasing awareness of toxic masculinity in this day and age, what it means to “be a man” isn’t the same as it used to be. What may have been scoffed at in the past may be praised and lauded today.
To clear the confusion, the ever-opinionated people of Reddit gave their take when they answered the question, “What's a good sign a dude is secure in his masculinity?” Answers poured in as users provided their own definitions, many of which defy what a self-proclaimed “alpha male” would say about himself.
Read through these responses, and feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below!
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#1
My dad was a stay-at-home father and worked part-time nights and weekends. Completely against traditional norms in the 90s-2000s (especially in the south).
I remember growing up, kids would say that my dad was really my 'mom' and would poke fun at him taking on that role.
But he knew my mom loved her career, and his career was long long hours so something had to give. And he sacrificed his career.
To me there’s nothing more masculine than putting your partner and family first, regardless of what is traditional or what others think.
DennyS (denzoren) 19 hours ago
That's really cool and sounds like a very happy partnership and family.
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#2
He's not afraid to express his feelings, whether it's joy, sadness, or fear. He knows that being vulnerable doesn't diminish his strength.
blixten1982 1 day ago
Brene Brown talks about how vulnerability is required in order to have courage. There's no way to be courageous without being vulnerable first.
#3
He doesn’t obsess over it or develop weird rules about what “real” men do. He doesn’t refer to himself as an alpha male.
Nothing screams insecurity like a dude desperately trying to convince everyone how masculine he is.
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 1 day ago
The "Alpha" thing has been discredited in almost every scientific study done about it.
#4
A middle school teacher told me “only a boy cares about being called a man. A man doesn’t care what he is called.”.
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 1 day ago
Just never call me Emo. I'm a goth. We may look similar but we are very different.
#5
He doesn't need everything to be a competition, especially with women. He's just fine with women who are smarter than he is and who make more money, and he's perfectly happy to listen to them without needing to try to talk over them to preserve his ego.
#6
He’s comfortable helping with household chores. Male relatives s**t on my husband for cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, and (gasp) making my plate at dinner sometimes, but he just ignores them. It’s nice being with a man who understands that it’s everyone’s responsibility to care for the home, not just those with two X chromosomes.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 1 day ago
Imagine both husband and wife being responsible for the upkeep of their household, almost as if they were partners.....
#7
He's friendly to everyone. Doesn't feel the need to act tough and intimidating.
#8
I'm planning on being a stay-at-home Dad. It just makes sense when my partner earns more than me and is career-driven.
Some of my mates were giving me sh*t that I'm not a man if I'm not providing for my family. I honestly couldn't care if that's what they think.
I imagine a lot of men would jump at the opportunity to be a stay at home Dad.
Julia Mckinney 1 day ago
But you ARE providing for your family. You're providing a stable home life for your kids and providing peace of mind for your wife.
#9
He can be around people of all sexual orientations and not be up tight or treat others less than.
We love confident masculinity.
Don’t have to prove anything if you know it within.
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 1 day ago
I'm a goth so my average weekend night has me surrounded by "all of the above". Gay, poly, ace, nonbinary, trans. All are welcome in the clubs I prefer. However, some homophobe shows up and starts acting like a hateful a-hole me and the rest of my tribe are always ready to respond.
#10
I’ll use my dad as an example.
He pursues his interests no matter what they may be.
My dad was a butcher and a car mechanic. He trained in the armed forces.
He also learned to sew, embroider, cook, bake, style hair, garden and emboss leather.
He could fix a broken sink, tune up the car, do the laundry, iron his shirts, make the bed change the baby’s diaper, bake a cake and cook dinner.
No one ever questioned his manliness, though that might because he could also tear your arm off and beat senseless you with it.
#11
My husband and I went to a gay bar for a friend’s birthday. Two different guys came up and gave him little gifts and a flirt. He took it as a compliment. That’s being secure.
#12
He doesn’t particularly care about other people’s definitions of masculinity.
#13
He’ll let his daughter paint his nails.
#14
Not being so obsessed with 'disrespect'. Being able to let it roll off your back when someone slights you, and not having to have a loud confrontation about it.
That doesn’t mean be a pushover or never stand up for yourself. All I’m saying is, when the drunk guy at the bar stumbles into you, no need to get into a bar fight.
Don’t scream at the jerk who steals your parking spot. Pick your battles—not everything is an affront to your masculinity.
Luke Branwen 21 hours ago
Reminds me of me & my mom. I hate to say anything negative about her, she's as amazing as a mother can be, but while I'm more chill, non-confrontational type who just lets minor stuff slide, mom takes every little inconvenience as a personal attack 😅 She's not a full-blown Karen but I'd guess that, as someone who works in retail, she should be more willing to give people some grace 😁
#15
Confidently expressing yourself, wherever you land on the spectrum of masculinity/femininity. That’s peak to me.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 1 day ago
Masculinity/feminity Should be renamed, it's a sliding scale and we all fit in their somewhere, no one side is better than an other in reflecting you as a person.
#16
You have to be strong to be a man because it takes great strength to be genuinely kind. The hallmark of a true man is kindness. All manliness springs from kindness. Yes.....even courage.
Dawn Marie 21 hours ago
I dated a "man" several years ago who threw a hissy fit at Wal-Mart because I was about to walk down the feminine products aisle and there was "no F***ING way he was walking down that way and have people think he was transgender. At first I thought he was kidding, but he was dead serious. I walked out of Wal-Mart right then and there and never looked back!!
#17
He doesn’t take advice about being a man from online forums.
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 1 day ago
OR EFFING PODCASTERS!!! Seriously why are so many young men allowing themselves to be brainwashed by that c**p?
#18
Is a true ally to women and minorities. Show politeness and kindness to complete strangers. Acts as equal to others at all things. Treats those in service jobs as humans who are trying their damnedest to get through the day. Ummm…what else. Oh yeah, don’t listen to garbage podcasts from “Alpha male” wannabes, who are so insecure it is embarrassing to listen to.
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 1 day ago
Thank you for another swipe against misogynist podcasts. So many young men are brainwashing themselves with that junk.
#19
Not having to play tit-for-tat or having to get even for every real or perceived slight. Road ragers, talking specifically to you.
Luke Branwen 21 hours ago
1st thing that came to my mind were those dudes who request money from girls because "I invited you for a date and we didn't have sex, so you owe me the expenses"
#20
He’ll carry around any and all girly stuff for his SO and/or daughters, in public, without question, and seem genuinely pleased to have the opportunity to help them out by doing so.
I’ve known dudes that wouldn’t touch a woman’s purse or even shopping bag, not even temporarily to free up her hands for something she needs to do. No one’s going to *seriously* think it’s yours, and to the a-hole who has to joke, “Nice purse!”, you can just reply, “Thanks! I’ll pass the compliment along to my wife! I agree, she’s got excellent taste.”.
Luke Branwen 21 hours ago
On a similar note: won't buy / touch period hygiene products. Like man, it's no different from paper tissues or TP. I promise nothing happens when you touch it.
#21
Calm and collected. Doesn't lash out at the slightest of provocation. Doesn't call himself an "alpha male". Doesn't put others down to seem better. Takes responsibility when he f***s up. Humble.
God do I not miss being a teenager. All of these are basically the opposite of a guy I knew. From what I hear from mutual friends, he hasn't changed much.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 1 day ago
As an alpha male I find it very cringey when some men feel the need to identify themselves as alpha male.
#22
Crying once in awhile. And being a tough guy once in awhile.
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 1 day ago
I'm old and tough as nails but there are some films and songs with will get me teared up.
#24
He's not afraid to be truly genuinely silly.
#25
He knows how to cook, clean, and perform basic hygiene and does’t consider those basic life skills to be “women’s work.”.
SheamusFanFrom1987 23 hours ago
Clean and basic hygiene: Checked! Cooking: Working on it, though one or two dishes have become synonymous with me.
#26
They embrace a little femininity. Seriously. A guy who's insecure will never even *joke* in a way that could make them seem slightly feminine for the duration of the joke. A guy who's secure will felate their breakfast burrito because it makes the first guy uncomfortable.
Edit: surprising number of replies seem to be completely missing the point. The point is that one of the ways you can tell if a guy is secure is that they have no problems doing things that are traditionally seen as very unmanly. I am not saying this is the only form it takes. I am not saying they feel they have to do this to prove something - the entire point is the opposite - they do not feel the need to prove something so they aren't limiting themselves to only stuff that curates a traditionally manly persona. It should have also been obvious that this is not specific to a burrito-job, that's a funny example to illustrate the idea. I can't believe I used to think reading comprehension was a waste of time in schools. .
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 1 day ago
Well, I'm a goth so I wear makeup and eyeliner and I look damn good in a short black skirt.
#27
Can listen and respond to constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack.
#28
I don't know. A good indicator would honestly be the opinion of those around him.
The best compliment of my recent years was from a female coworker. Someone was making a joke about me, and she said, "No baby, that's a real man. Y'all don't know"
I've been thinking about that. Not for myself. But how we can uplift each other and build each other up. Knowledge, emotionally, spiritually, etc.
Chris the Bobcat 14 hours ago
I give random compliments to people just to make them happy, if only for a moment. Women and men both. Men don't get many compliments.
#29
Not having to proclaim their heterosexuality all the time.
Floeckchen 1 day ago
If you constantly have to proclaim your heterosexuality you might be unsure of yourself if this is even true.
#30
No one has to walk on eggshells around him.
Michael Largey 17 hours ago
And he doesn't have to clean up all those crushed eggshells afterward.
#32
He will let his daughters paint his fingernails and toenails and put pink ribbons in his hair or his beard. Not one milimeter of insecurity there!
Extra points if he goes to work and shows his co-workers the next day. :).
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 1 day ago (edited)
Gender norms like ribbons, painted nails etc should disappear. Who gives a damn what clothes/ make up people wear?
#33
Ability to show and share emotion without it being a big deal.
Michael Largey 16 hours ago (edited)
That is, emotions besides anger, contempt, menace, entitlement, ...
#34
He doesn't feel the need to conform with something just because it's traditionally "masculine" if he doesn't want to.
Chris the Bobcat 13 hours ago
I'm a metalhead and dress the part, and I drive a light blue Mazda Miata. It's a little convertible that has long been derided as a "hairdressers' car". Sometimes I get sh!t from other people in trucks or more 'masculine' cars (Dodge Challengers, Chargers, etc) and I just shrug. I love the car and I plan on driving it as long as I can. Happy little car, happy little metalhead.
#35
He owns and uses a bidet. Thinking it’s gay to properly clean your a*s is a huge red flag.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 1 day ago
Bidets are not common in the UK. Most bathrooms are not large enough to accommodate them. But we do have toilet paper and showers/baths when the situation requires it.
#36
Not asking what is a good sign that a dude is secure in his masculinity is the first step in not being a little weenie.
What do you think ?
Nikole 1 day ago
Hey BP, bring back the notifications. What do you think will happen to your ad revenue when the amount of users on this site gets halved? And, what, like 10 users have subscribed to premium? I’ll waive hello to you from Reddit, where you get most of your content from anyway. And I won’t be the only one.
Janissary35680 1 day ago
I'm a Premium user and the notifications button is missing for me too. Something else is going on.
Load More Replies...
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 1 day ago (edited)
There is someone who creates new accounts every day, who likes to stalk me, some of you will know who I am talking about, he will probably appear below shortly. He claims to be a man, whilst posting bigoted nonsense he claims, without evidence, is science. Also he "corrects" people's pronouns if they do not follow his understanding of grammatical rules. This is not a man. He has claimed to treat all people equally, yet he treats certain groups with disrespect and insults them.
Multa Nocte 1 day ago (edited)
He is so annoying and has been annoying the past several years. I have a bucketload of info if anyone wants it, on the USA's psychological and medical associations' stance on transgender issues and care and (surprise) they are all in support. This guy knows jack about his own countries' experts. Sorry this man-child is targeting you. [Edit] And sorry that someone on BP's panel won't get off their asses and do something when multiple people are complaining about this. It just takes up space. I was a site moderator once and this kind of mindless stalking did not last for long. No wonder no one wants to pay for Premium.
Load More Replies...
Floeckchen 1 day ago
Be an Aragorn. He is seen as very masculine even in the manisphere. Yet he shares many of the traits mentioned in this list.
Nikole 1 day ago
Hey BP, bring back the notifications. What do you think will happen to your ad revenue when the amount of users on this site gets halved? And, what, like 10 users have subscribed to premium? I’ll waive hello to you from Reddit, where you get most of your content from anyway. And I won’t be the only one.
Janissary35680 1 day ago
I'm a Premium user and the notifications button is missing for me too. Something else is going on.
Load More Replies... Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 1 day ago (edited)
There is someone who creates new accounts every day, who likes to stalk me, some of you will know who I am talking about, he will probably appear below shortly. He claims to be a man, whilst posting bigoted nonsense he claims, without evidence, is science. Also he "corrects" people's pronouns if they do not follow his understanding of grammatical rules. This is not a man. He has claimed to treat all people equally, yet he treats certain groups with disrespect and insults them.
Multa Nocte 1 day ago (edited)
He is so annoying and has been annoying the past several years. I have a bucketload of info if anyone wants it, on the USA's psychological and medical associations' stance on transgender issues and care and (surprise) they are all in support. This guy knows jack about his own countries' experts. Sorry this man-child is targeting you. [Edit] And sorry that someone on BP's panel won't get off their asses and do something when multiple people are complaining about this. It just takes up space. I was a site moderator once and this kind of mindless stalking did not last for long. No wonder no one wants to pay for Premium.
Load More Replies... Floeckchen 1 day ago
Be an Aragorn. He is seen as very masculine even in the manisphere. Yet he shares many of the traits mentioned in this list.
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