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Disappointed Dad Refuses To Skip Another Of His Daughter’s Milestones After Son Relapses Once More
Literally at every step in our lives we have to make choices. Both on a small, everyday level, which have almost no effect on our future lives, and incredibly complex, primarily on the mental level, which actually greatly influence both ourselves and our loved ones.
For example, the user u/Ok-Song3414, the author of the story we’ll tell you today, for many years had been making a choice between his children in favor of his son. The choice was largely forced, but nevertheless, his daughter suffered. And then, one fine day, the father decided to give preference to the daughter. What came of it? Let’s read on.
More info: Reddit
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The author of the post has two adult kids, a son and a daughter, and his son is, alas, an addict
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
For many years the parents had been doing their best to help their son, even neglecting the daughter’s needs
Image credits: Ok-Song3414
When it came time for the daughter’s graduation ceremony, her brother was in a recovery housing program
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ok-Song3414
A few hours before the graduation started, the parents received a call from rehab that their son had relapsed
Image credits: Alena Darmel (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ok-Song3414
The mom decided to go to be with the son, while the author preferred to stay with his daughter in this important moment for her
So, the Original Poster (OP) is 51 years old, his wife is three years younger, and they have two adult children, a 23-year-old son, “Jake,” and an 18-year-old daughter, “Jess.” And, according to the dad, his son has been experiencing serious problems with alcohol and substances for several years now. Serious to such an extent that he has already ended up in rehab more than once.
No, the author notes that he and his wife always did their best to ensure that the children received a decent upbringing – it just happened that Jake one day got involved with the wrong company, and then went down a slippery slope. Moreover, whenever the guy had issues, the parents had to literally drop everything and tend to him, thereby sacrificing time for their daughter.
But Jess, on the contrary, grew up as a very diligent and talented girl, studied well and approached her graduation ceremony with a great GPA. Her parents were very proud of her – and, of course, they were going to attend her graduation party. The brother was in a recovery housing program at that time.
And then, literally a couple of hours before the ceremony, they called from the rehab – Jake had relapsed and was very ill. Of course, the mom immediately got ready to go to her son, and when the husband asked what to do about the daughter’s graduation party, she said that this was way more important. But the OP reasonably objected that he couldn’t keep acting this way, and that their daughter’s graduation is a milestone that is incredibly important for her.
In other words, the spouses went in different directions. The wife went to rehab to see her son, the husband drove to his daughter’s school. Of course, she was incredibly happy to see her dad, but very disappointed by the mom’s absence. And, certainly, she was upset when she learned about her brother’s health problems. However, soon the author’s wife called – yes, Jake felt bad, but his life wasn’t in danger.
And in the evening the couple had another argument about which of them did the right thing. The wife said that the OP was wrong and selfish in not being there with his son, and the author replied that their daughter is no less important, and that in fact, only one person was selfish here – the wife herself. In the end, as the author admits, that night he had to sleep on the couch in the living room, but he’s still sure that he did what was right.
Image credits: Safari Consoler (not the actual photo)
“Making these kinds of choices is always incredibly difficult for any parent – and yes, I believe that this man’s daughter felt upset more than once because her parents repeatedly neglected important events in her life because they constantly had to cope with her brother’s problems,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment here. “Moreover, the graduation is actually a once-in-a-lifetime event.”
“In any case, if the problem with his son’s health was not critical, then this man acted quite reasonably – so that at least one of the parents was next to their daughter at this important moment for her. By the way, based on my experience I can say that there were cases when some manifestations of favoritism from parents to one of the kids became a trigger for various problems in this exact kid. I do hope, however, that sooner or later all the problems of this family will be left behind,” Irina ponders.
Commenters on the original post also supported our hero in his decision – even if it wasn’t easy. “No one was supposed to go running just because he relapsed. He also knew it was his sibling’s graduation,” one of the responders wrote. “Relapsing doesn’t require even a visit when he’s already in a program. You say ok, thanks for letting us know, and go about your life. What was the purpose of dropping everything and running there?”
In addition, some people in the comments sincerely disbelieve that the relapse on sister’s graduation day could’ve happened completely by chance. “I’m wondering if there is a correlation between your son’s relapses and emergencies and your daughter’s special events,” one of the commenters supposed. “My sister used to have episodes before every single event that celebrates me. In her mind, my successes exposed her failures,” another person reminisced. “I absolutely blamed my mom for enabling this.”
Well, the relationship between siblings can be either completely cloudless or incredibly strained, and in fact, parents are not always able to do something here. If you also have examples of similar stories in your memory, please feel free to share them in the comments below this post. And, of course, please tell us what you think about this tale as well.
People in the comments, meanwhile, sided with the dad, claiming that he did the right thing here
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What do you think ?
Sherman 5 months ago
I'm a recovering addict n if I found out that my parents missed my siblings graduation or any important milestone in life bc of my addiction/issues i would feel so guilty. I know what it's like to be the addict n i know what it's like to watch an addict destroy their lives. It's never easy no matter whose shoes you're wearing. But to miss your daughter's ONLY high school graduation bc your son has another relapse is unforgivable. I understand that u want to be there for ur son. U should be. But u have neglected ur daughter for no reason. What was so urgent that she couldn't wait until after? He seemed to be in a safe place w/ ppl to help him. instead of being a mother to both of ur kids.. u decided ur son is the only one worthy of love/support? Addiction is a disease. But it's a choice disease. Being a terrible parent might as well be a proxy disease bc ur daughter is suffering x2. From a sick brother n an absent, neglectful mother. Thank god she has her dad.
Mike F 5 months ago
When I went into treatment (90 day inpatient) I never told any of my family. There is/was nothing they could have done to aid my process. I got myself in the predicament I was in and I had to see it through or fail on my own. I wasn't allowed to have my phone during the stay so I didn't talk to any of my family until I went to transitional housing after the 90 days. That woman could do nothing toward her son's treatment, and I can't imagine a facility that would allow even a family member access during the detox and initial phases of treatment. The dad has it absolutely correct. His daughter deserves to be celebrated on her graduation and should have had both parents in attendance. Instead, mom (perhaps enabler) runs off to do nothing for the son who is beyond her help. She truly needs an Al-anon type group to teach her the limitations she is facing, ie, she can't fix him and if she tries she may lose her daughter and son. She needs to wise up, and a program will help.
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Hphizzle 5 months ago (edited)
Mama is enabling the son. Not by enabling the d**g habit, but by allowing herself to be emotionally manipulated by him. Pop’s finally seeing through it and recognizing their daughter’s struggle. This is not going to be an easy or quick thing to work through. Mom sounds pretty tunnel vision about the son. It will take a lot of work for her to see just how enmeshed she is. I hope pops keeps supporting his daughter as she goes to school. I hope the daughter finds an amazing support system at university.
Candace Taylor 5 months ago
Exactly! Mommy running to his side because he had a relapse is absurd and enabling under any circumstances but, to miss her daughter's High School graduation because of it is ridiculous and absolutely thoughtless guilt or not.
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Alexandra 5 months ago
OP's wife needs help with her sense of guilt, because it wreaks havoc in her family. You've split up forces: wife goes to son, husband goes to daughter's graduation, everyone wins, so to speak. Absolutely, categorically nothing wrong with this; this is as it should be. Just a side-note: OP's wife sense of guilt will not be very helpful in her son's recovery either.
Candace Taylor 5 months ago
Actually you're completely mistaken! Addicts have to deal with their Addictions on their own. No one can make them stop using or relapsing, therefore mommy running to his side was ridiculous and at the sacrifice of her daughter's emotional well-being. And I would bet my life the daughters needs have been put on the back burner more than once because of her d**g addict brother. The priorities should have been The Graduate. The addict was in no danger whatsoever and Mommy running to his side was nothing but enabling Behavior
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Ash 5 months ago
I know I'm very suspicious, but... do you think the brother might have TIMED his not-really-serious "relapse" to coincide with his sister getting attention? OP should look over the timing of previous relapses. It's like how covert narcissists tend to subtly try to ruin their partners' and children's birthdays. They can't stand the spotlight being on somebody other than them. (But yes, I am cynical about this kind of thing lol)
Elio 5 months ago
Sounds like drama my uncle would bring. Most of the other people with substance issues in my extended family would not time relapses for attention, but my uncle is (or was, idk if he's still alive) very self-centered.
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MR 5 months ago
NTA. Wtf are you teaching your daughter? That the best why to get your attention is to constantly get yourself in trouble and nearly kill yourself through poor behavior? Your son made his choices. Tragic, yes. But enabling him by constantly running to his "aid" because he keeps making bad decisions doesn't help him in any way. He needs to hit rock bottom and the only way to do that is ending up alone. Focus on making up for lost time with your daughter because if you keep going this route, she'll go NC with you. And rightfully so.
Elio 5 months ago
Sounds like a sucky situation, but the dad was right for prioritizing the Jess' graduation. It sounds like Jake wasn't in immediate danger and he had people who could help him. My family history is full of addiction problems and mental illness, so I do sympathize. But you can't keep putting the person with the addiction problem ahead of everyone else. It sucks when there's a relapse, but not every relapse Jake has is going to be an epic emergency. Just because Jess is doing ok, doesn't mean she doesn't need her parents to be around for her milestones. I will say that the people who bring up the timing of Jake's relapse may have a point. It may be a coincidence, but it may not. Some addicts in my family would do stuff like that. Some don't. It depends.
Kate Johnson 5 months ago
I think it's likely the daughter will be done with the mom after this. After all, how many times can someone deprioritize you and basically tell you that you're "not important" before you just quit trying with them at all.
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fu yu 5 months ago
The mother is a fool and the son is an a*****e. Of all the days he decided to shoot up and OD was the day his sister was graduating. The father is the only practical one in the bunch--let the d**g addict stew in his own juices for a few hours in the incident HE made.
Jessica Olson 5 months ago
Yes these parents are on the short path of ending up with only one child, that's addicted and their healthy child's going to go her separate way.
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dayngerkat 5 months ago
NTA. It was good that they each were there for one of their kids. Daughter would've been crushed if both weren't there. Mother is enabling son. All should be in family therapy
Papa 5 months ago
The only mistake OP made was sleeping on the couch when his wife was upset with him. If she was mad and didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him she could have slept on the couch.
AngelWingsYT 5 months ago
Right. She punishes him for trying to be there for the kids SHE neglects? Hope she likes a NC daughter
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Joanne Kaiser 5 months ago
I am in favor of the Father’s decision. I realize in the heat of the highly emotional moment it’s hard to be rational. Obviously, since the mother made the celebratory dinner, the son’s matter could have been addressed after graduation and maybe between that and the dinner. The mother ruined a lifelong memory for her and her daughter for what appeared to be not as much of an emergency as explained. Forgetting you have other children seems to be a common problem. My extended family is just now dealing with making the same kind of choices. The child with the problem comes first, dropping everything and everyone else. Only to do it again 1-2 weeks later.
D.N. Lyons 5 months ago
My parents always prioritized my sisters' lives, even with the mundane. What sealed their fate was when I was offered a spontaneous place in a collegiate chorale, despite never having taken choir in school. And with my parents telling me I sang badly and forcing me to sit in the back of the truck, I shouldn't have been surprised when my mother declined to attend, despite getting calls up to and even the day of. They never cared, they never supported me if they couldn't take credit for it, and at 39 I speak to none of them. I'm better off.
Kate Johnson 5 months ago
I think that is likely where this is headed with this mom. The daughter will just drop the rope and walk away, and probably be the better for it.
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RAM31280 5 months ago
100% NTA. I would think them splitting fronts and each parent attending to each child would be the correct move in this scenario, but apparently not. The son put himself into that position that day, which sounds like it was not is first OD, and may not be his last, while graduating from HS is a 1 time achievement. The mother is the AH for prioritizing the child with bad behavior over the child with good behavior who has often been overlooked previously.
Ephemera Image 5 months ago
The son was under professional care. It's not like he was in an emergency situation, he was well-cared for and mother could do nothing except hover and probably get in everyone's way. Daughter certainly deserved, for once in her life, to be the priority in her parent's lives. And I'm a little suspicious about the timing on the part of the brother as well.
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Candace Taylor 5 months ago
This is ridiculous. This was your child's graduation a child who was put on the back burner because of her brother's addiction issues. This was unfair to The Graduate. Your son was in no harm, and a graduation only comes once. Sadly, I see running to his side because he relapsed as enabling Behavior. He relapsed, and that's difficult but this is his journey and he has to be in charge of it you running to his side means nothing and you sacrifice the well-being of your daughter to do so. I find this really bizarre actually
Annie Johnston 5 months ago
My sister (10 years younger than I) was an addict (alcohol, prescription opiates, meth). My dad was an alcoholic (clean and sober for the rest of his life beginning when I was 35). My mother consistently chose them, because they needed her more. My sister's crises frequently meant that plans that included me were scrapped. I understood then, and I still do. However, the mother here - and possibly the father as well - need to get comfortable with their daughter not involving as much they might like as her life goes forward. For me it wasn't NC, it wasn't payback, it wasn't a lack of sympathy. They had raised me to rely on myself and myself alone, to rejoice in my own milestones and wins because I was "strong and capable". I know it hurt them when I didn't tell them about a health scare (mid-20s) until after it was past. It wasn't intentional; it just never occurred to me that they would or could have my back so why should they worry.
George LaMonica 5 months ago
The addict is the a*****e here. Addiction by it's very nature is self centered and selfish. Anyone who has had to deal with an addict of d***s or alcohol will eventually learn this. Frankly Mom is also an a*****e for enabling the addict. He was in a treatment center, let them deal with his selfish actions. He's not going to actual achieve a state of recovery until he grows up and deals with the issues causing the addiction. Jumping to "help" every time is only enabling him, slowing his recovery, ruining her relationship with her daughter and apparently starting to ruin the relationship with her husband. The wife needs to get her head out of her a*s as much as the addict son.
Skp2MyLou 5 months ago
I'm glad other Redditor commenters said it first because as I was reading this, all I could think was, "What a coincidence the brother had a relapse on the very day his sister is graduating high school!" maybe it's the cynic in me, but the OP said rhey'd already missed other significant events in their daughter's life because of their d**g addict son. D**g addicts are selfish and thoughtless people. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if the son subconsciously did this on purpose to derail his sister's day. And shame on mom for letting that happen.
Hope Tirendi 5 months ago
I'm just sick of "addicts" screwing over their siblings through the weak parents. Jake chose this life sucks to be him. A lot of people have c**p lives and we don't stick needles in our arms or drink like fish! That girl is NEVER going to include her "mother" in her life moving forward. She will never be Grandma to her kids probably won't even be welcomed at her future wedding. I'm sure brother dearest would "relapse" on that day anyway. Better off without junkies in your life!
Clara Stallworth 5 months ago
If Jake was in a life-threatening situation, that's one thing, but a relapse due to addiction is something else. Yes, it's worrisome, but as long as he's in a place where he's getting help, there's no need to go running to his side. OP was right in truly being there for his daughter's HS graduation, a ONCE in a lifetime event, after missing her milestones because of Jake's addiction issues. Mom didn't need to go running to Jake's side because, ultimately, what can she do? She has no right to get mad at OP; instead both of them need counseling as a family, and learn to let Jake hit rock bottom by not running every time he's in trouble. Only when he hits bottom will he seek help and turn his life around.
Dave The Wraith 5 months ago
NTA. you have TWO children which I think your wife has forgotten about, and as sad as it sounds, maybe enabling your son every time he screws up may not be the best thing for him.
Claudia Bert 5 months ago
Jake is a junkie. They are all selfish and untrustworthy. The mom is an enabler. She shouldn't have gone to see him and should actually be ashamed of herself for missing her daughters graduation. That's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm sure Jake will relapse again, so she can be with him next time. Dad should stand his ground.
Kimberly Wiltshire 5 months ago
Yeah I am betting on son relapsing to distract parents from sister's graduation. Addicts want attention, they don't care if it's good or bad attention, like children just attention. Considering Jake has been dealing with addiction while young his maturity levels haven't developed and or stagnated as is common with grown adult addicts. Allowing him to keep manipulating everyone is not going to help him. It adds to his guilt which adds to the addiction. The wife needs counseling. There is being supportive and enabling. It might even be he does the relapse in part to get extra attention. So running to his side and unnegotiably supportive might also be a problem. It's a fine line.
Beth Wheeler 5 months ago
She should have gone to graduation with you and then gone to check on him after. Your son is causing way 2 many problems and hard feelings. She may not say it but your daughter probably has resentment towards her brother for all of the c**p he's pulled.
fizzypop 5 months ago (edited)
i'm recovering from a different kind of addiction (self injury, but an addiction all the same) & if my mom regularly dropped my siblings important events because of me, i'd feel guilty forever. relapses suck, but eventually you have to learn to handle it on your own before it destroys not only you, but everyone around you too. it's not easy but it can happen. the dad was in the right
Diane Shook 5 months ago
Someone needs to recommend that the family needs Al-Anon, a 12-step program for family and friends of alcoholics. My oldest son is an addict and my life only improved after I learned " I didn't cause it. I can't cure it and I can't control it." I also learned that I needed to let him live his life and I needed to live mine. All that probably sounds harsh but go to program and learn.
Nikole 5 months ago
There’s a program called Families Anonymous that my parents liked a 1000 times better than Al-Alon. It’s not as religion-based and, in their words, isn’t just a bunch of sad stories every time. (Guess who was their “qualifier”?? Oh, it was me.)
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The Cuckoo 5 months ago
As an addict with nearly 4 years clean I can say that I would not have remembered my parents being there for a relapse. Let alone one while in treatment! It was best said by a commenter that you simply say “thanks for the info!” And go about your day. Jesus Christ what an enabling mother, no wonder he hasn’t gotten his s**t together, why would he? No risk of rock bottom until she’s divorced and NC with everyone for her to finally cut the umbilical cord. I’m proud of that dad, I’d have been feeling terrible if I was in this story as the addict.
Ali 4 months ago
This is why people cut off addicts. It's hard, but sometimes you need to cut the dead weight. How much are OP and his wife spending for a rehab program that their son seems intent on failing? Why are they ignoring the successful child for the one that's already ruined his life?
Ken Schroeder 4 months ago
The son doesn't want to help himself. Write the f**k off and be done with him.
Natasha Arruda 5 months ago
I'm a 37 YO woman who is sister to a 40 YO male addict. He's been using since 14. He has three children with all different women, who he is not in the lives of. ( The amazing woman who is biological mother to his youngest has opened her house to the older two and is basically their mother now, so they are actually in an amazing spot now, even without their dad. ) All that is to say that you can be there for them EVERY time and not make a difference. Sometimes the biggest difference will be made when you WON'T be there. When they finally see that there is a cut off point. My mother has never actually done this, sadly, but having a fall back point means that my brother cannot hit bottom and therefore will never actually stop.
Ima Manimal 5 months ago
Jake’s timing is impeccable. I’m being that every time something significant is happening, he has an episode. F**k Jake.
Sam Stairhime 5 months ago
Growing up as a "Jess," I'm so glad at least one of you was there for her. My dad always chose me, my mom always chose my brother. My mom missed major milestones, like my wedding reception and the birth of my child, due to coddling my brother (they left the reception early because he was bored and anxious, she missed visiting us in the hospital because she couldn't bring my brother with her - Covid rules.) I've been in therapy for months and the biggest wound I have been working through is my mom always prioritizing my brother, even to the point of me moving out and sleeping on a friend's couch because she cared more about his safety as a homeless addict than my safety, as someone who never broke any rules and did my best to make everyone happy. My heart breaks for Jess and I hope you and your wife will honor, celebrate, an be support her in her good choices at least as much as you support your son despite his bad choices.
AF 5 months ago
I had a brother that was an addictions, my mom always bent over backwards for him. I felt like I wasn't worth her time or effort. I spent 23 years in the military and done well for myself. Even after my brother was killed in an accident, I'm still second best child against a ghost. Make time for your daughter, make special memories and don't make her feel like she's second best just because she doesn't need constant attention and care.
Oshioriamhe 5 months ago
Your wife forgets she has another child. And it might just be too late someday soon. You're NTA. You have done your very best. Your son is an adult and just might be manipulative and also jealous...
Charlie 5 months ago
Funny how the relapse just so happened to occur a few hours before the sister s event 🤔 just enough time to change the parents. Haven't i seen something like this. Oh yea it's called sibling Jealousy. This was done to my parents too by my sister. And my dad never believed it
Georgie Gal 5 months ago
I wanted to click Yes etc., up there, but I don't believe "milestones" require everyone to drop everything for them. Now, I'm not saying the graduation wasn't important, I'm just saying using a milestone moment as a reason is unfathomable to me. Technically, milestones are really only important for the person who is living it. The rest of us are just spectators. Besides all that, I'd like to know why the mother felt the need to drop everything to run off to her son. Is she a doctor? A psychiatrist? Able to stop him from being an addict? Yeah, I'm going to sound jerky, but he's in an environment with people who are literally trained and paid to do what is needed to help him. Yes, be there for your child emotionally, but if your actions are going to be at the expense of others, you're doing no one any favors. I'm not trying to sound mean, but maybe because I have no guilt complex I'm not understanding the reason why she thinks she can be of help where she never was before.
Kathy Kennedy 5 months ago
How often is Jess going to be 2nd place. For her wedding? Will she play 2nd fiddle for the birth of her children, especially her 1st. I see no contact in your wife's , if not your, not too distant future unless your son starts getting treated like the grown a** man he is and Jess gets afforded the respect she deserves for her major events. The majority of addicts can be highly manipulative - how convenient that he should have a relapse at this exact time. He needs your support but not at the expense of your daughter - shame on your wife, but you sound like you're pushing your luck as well. He's in treatment , he was safe - there should have been no doubt of seeing your daughter graduate before you both went to check your son
AngelWingsYT 5 months ago
What in the F*CK could two of them done that 1 couldnt?! He was in care of the medic staff. Not like both them there would magically make him better. Mom is TA for constantly putting her other kid last n acting like it's no big deal. Wouldnt be shocked if she went NC with mom over this n i dont blame it. Good on dad for supporting daughter. I do hope the son gets his stuff together but given he was fine until this exact moment...its a bit sus...
Lisa 5 months ago
Your wife ITA. Have you all been in Al anon? All you're doing is enabling your son. I'm so very disappointed that both of you didn't attend your daughter's graduation ceremony, and I'm not your daughter! Your son has to stay sober on his own. It's just going to break the family apart.n
charlene Sutton 5 months ago
They have al anon for families of alcoholics, nar anon for families of addicts. It is possible to love the addict to d eath. These programs help the families deal with addiction and show you how to live your own life through the process. Both programs save lives.
Darlena Zarlinga 5 months ago
I have more than a limited experience....so with that said, the more you run to the son the more you make it less likely he will change. ENABLING is what you and your wife have done. Your son and his addiction is manipulating you. I have paid for many rehabs...until I cut it off and then somehow sobriety happened, really how unfair...repeatedly favoring your son over your daughter will kill your daughters self confidence! You should go to Alanon and gets some tools and insight into what you have been doing to your family unit.
Parriah 5 months ago
I’ve been sober for 15 years but my brother lost his battle with alcohol and d**g addiction in 2019. My parents highly favoured my brother and made him less accountable for his own mess than they did me. They abandoned me but I can say honestly it saved my life. I had to get to a place that I had no instant rescue and no one making excuses for me, real rock bottom. I was homeless and scared and self destructive, I knew it was the 11th hour and I would die or give everything I had left to crawl to safety. My parents coddled and financially supported my brother and made sure he didn’t suffer, he died in part because they let him languish in his addiction and made it easy for him so they wouldn’t feel bad. I’m here and he isn’t. Those parents are enabling their son too, emotional enabling is as harmful to an addict as other enabling. If they don’t stop, he won’t be here anymore and their daughter might be far away from them as well. I hope things change for all of you, god bless
sharyn turnicky 5 months ago
Do Jake's relapses occur when your daughter has an event important to her?
Pamela Bracken 5 months ago
I noted when the wife said to the husband, "We should have been on the same page..." Yes, you SHOULD have been on the same page and been at your daughter's Graduation with your husband! This is going to be an even more broken family if the wife doesn't get her act together.
Hannah Taylor 5 months ago
NTA. OP'S wife is literally mapping out in exquisite detail the future regarding their daughter. Heck, I can lay odds in Vegas that if their daughter graduates college, gets engaged, gets married, Son will have yet another relapse exactly on the day of each event. Mom will have successfully pushed her daughter out of her life once and for all. I hope OP will be there for her all those times.
Hannah Kirtley 5 months ago
therapy is needed. couples for sure. family probably wouldn't hurt either. and individual for mom cuz her guilt over her son being an addict is concerning. makes me wonder WHY she feels guilty about her (then) almost adult kid making bad choices and getting into a bad lifestyle. and then the continued guilt that her (now) very much am adult kid relapsing while in care. where he can get help.
JennyH 5 months ago
Sober for 13 years, dad is over it. Mom is enabling under the guise of love and support. They need to let go, as tough as that will be. My parents did the same thing and my sister was slighted a lot because of it. It is, not fair to her and damaging. It's not easy to let go of an addict but it's likely the only thing that would help him.
Malek Basata 5 months ago (edited)
NTA, the son is recovering and he will soon become connected to life again, I am sure he wouldn't forgive himself if he was the reason his sister was unsupported in her most important moments, still it was the best case scenario as both children had one parent with them
Ivy at Eve 4 months ago
Dad was right to chose his daughters graduation. They could have made a conscious decision to split up and that would probably have been more manageable by the daughter (as it would show support from mom too, even if she weren't there). I see a lot of comments doubting the timing and pointing fingers at the son. I don't think the timing is suspicious but more the son being faced with his sisters success and as a consequence his failure and he just couldn't cope causing the relapse. Also he was sure to be validated and feel loved because he knew (subconsciously) that his parents would come running.
Sheena Leversedge Wood 4 months ago
he was safe. it wasn't an emergency. I get the impression that they put him first over every event in her life. I bet you he'd have a relapse on her wedding day just to turn their attention back to him.
Melissa Harris 5 months ago (edited)
Enabling kills just as much as the substance itself and it destroys the rest of the family in the process. The OPs wife also has an addiction: it's emotional codependency with her son.
Tammy Dickson 5 months ago
Your son is selfish and inconsiderate. He has a great family and he is throwing away his potential to be a self sufficient adult. Your daughter is the one suffering and one day she might move away and and never come back. Your wife needs to show tough love. She should have gone to the graduation and then go running to her son. I feel sorry for your daughter. Dad did the absolute right thing and shame on Mom. She's the AH. I had a family member with addiction issues.
Kate Johnson 5 months ago
I think if I was the daughter, I'd focus on going college and my relationship with my dad, and just write off mom and bro. In future I would no longer invite mom to any future milestone events, anticipating in advance that bro will once again have a very conveniently timed "relapse" and need to suck up all available attention for himself. I'd tell her, "since you obviously only care about one of your children, we can just quit pretending to have a relationship." I'd just avoid all "family" gatherings and only get together with my dad.
Margaret Tharpe 5 months ago
The piece being ignored regarding the son is that the report regarding the son included "in a bad way." Had the son died & no parent had gone, their grief would have been compounded. The 2 parents splitting the tasks of the day was the best solution. However, more info about the son would help clarify that. All the talk about manipulation/enablng: Please stop all the psycho-babble on this issue. With the onset of addiction, the brain changes. In the sane way, high-stress emotional or physical events can trigger seizures, which should not be interpreted as mnipulation/enabling events...unless we want to through in that pile heart attacks, strokes, accidents, etc. as well. Yes, this is complicated and stressful for the entire family. Please don't simplify ...particularly in the absence of more details. Many siblings have-tragically-had to be side-lined because if a sibling's cancer or other chronic illness.
Jessie 3 months ago
The massive difference between a chronic illness or cancer and an addiction is that addicts chose their addiction, most are also perfectly capable of realizing the effects of their actions.
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Gerarda Heffernan 5 months ago
My brother had similar problems with alcohol for years. He ruined lots of occasions turning up drunk and trying to start fights. My mother always made excuses for him and would say he had a bit of a drink problem. He was an alcoholic, but she wouldn't admit that and this added to the problem. He continued to drink and she would give him money when he asked for it, which was regularly. Then he began to have blackouts and was admitted to hospital, usually by ambulance. He would wake up not knowing how or why he was in hospital and would get angry and abusive with us and also the medical staff. Then he would discharge himself and go drinking again. The medical staff told him that if he kept drinking he would die but he wouldn't believe them. This went on for years. I had booked a holiday for my mother and myself and a few days before he had another episode and my mother felt she couldn't go in case he needed her. Luckily he gave up drinking 3 years ago and is a different person now.
Craig Curry 5 months ago
Memo to wife : ENOUGH ………..Start seeing that U are offensive , U absolutely should have been at daughter’s graduation…………..Son was not in a serious dead end ……….BE A MOTHER to your daughter………..the A H is U !
John Smith (he/him/xy/️) 5 months ago
Sounds to me like the wife doesn't even love the daughter.
DC 5 months ago
Where exactly can I read this? I fail to see a single word indicating that, let alone would I be able to confirm any of it...
Load More Replies... Sherman 5 months ago
I'm a recovering addict n if I found out that my parents missed my siblings graduation or any important milestone in life bc of my addiction/issues i would feel so guilty. I know what it's like to be the addict n i know what it's like to watch an addict destroy their lives. It's never easy no matter whose shoes you're wearing. But to miss your daughter's ONLY high school graduation bc your son has another relapse is unforgivable. I understand that u want to be there for ur son. U should be. But u have neglected ur daughter for no reason. What was so urgent that she couldn't wait until after? He seemed to be in a safe place w/ ppl to help him. instead of being a mother to both of ur kids.. u decided ur son is the only one worthy of love/support? Addiction is a disease. But it's a choice disease. Being a terrible parent might as well be a proxy disease bc ur daughter is suffering x2. From a sick brother n an absent, neglectful mother. Thank god she has her dad.
Mike F 5 months ago
When I went into treatment (90 day inpatient) I never told any of my family. There is/was nothing they could have done to aid my process. I got myself in the predicament I was in and I had to see it through or fail on my own. I wasn't allowed to have my phone during the stay so I didn't talk to any of my family until I went to transitional housing after the 90 days. That woman could do nothing toward her son's treatment, and I can't imagine a facility that would allow even a family member access during the detox and initial phases of treatment. The dad has it absolutely correct. His daughter deserves to be celebrated on her graduation and should have had both parents in attendance. Instead, mom (perhaps enabler) runs off to do nothing for the son who is beyond her help. She truly needs an Al-anon type group to teach her the limitations she is facing, ie, she can't fix him and if she tries she may lose her daughter and son. She needs to wise up, and a program will help.
Load More Replies... Hphizzle 5 months ago (edited)
Mama is enabling the son. Not by enabling the d**g habit, but by allowing herself to be emotionally manipulated by him. Pop’s finally seeing through it and recognizing their daughter’s struggle. This is not going to be an easy or quick thing to work through. Mom sounds pretty tunnel vision about the son. It will take a lot of work for her to see just how enmeshed she is. I hope pops keeps supporting his daughter as she goes to school. I hope the daughter finds an amazing support system at university.
Candace Taylor 5 months ago
Exactly! Mommy running to his side because he had a relapse is absurd and enabling under any circumstances but, to miss her daughter's High School graduation because of it is ridiculous and absolutely thoughtless guilt or not.
Load More Replies... Alexandra 5 months ago
OP's wife needs help with her sense of guilt, because it wreaks havoc in her family. You've split up forces: wife goes to son, husband goes to daughter's graduation, everyone wins, so to speak. Absolutely, categorically nothing wrong with this; this is as it should be. Just a side-note: OP's wife sense of guilt will not be very helpful in her son's recovery either.
Candace Taylor 5 months ago
Actually you're completely mistaken! Addicts have to deal with their Addictions on their own. No one can make them stop using or relapsing, therefore mommy running to his side was ridiculous and at the sacrifice of her daughter's emotional well-being. And I would bet my life the daughters needs have been put on the back burner more than once because of her d**g addict brother. The priorities should have been The Graduate. The addict was in no danger whatsoever and Mommy running to his side was nothing but enabling Behavior
Load More Replies... Ash 5 months ago
I know I'm very suspicious, but... do you think the brother might have TIMED his not-really-serious "relapse" to coincide with his sister getting attention? OP should look over the timing of previous relapses. It's like how covert narcissists tend to subtly try to ruin their partners' and children's birthdays. They can't stand the spotlight being on somebody other than them. (But yes, I am cynical about this kind of thing lol)
Elio 5 months ago
Sounds like drama my uncle would bring. Most of the other people with substance issues in my extended family would not time relapses for attention, but my uncle is (or was, idk if he's still alive) very self-centered.
Load More Replies... MR 5 months ago
NTA. Wtf are you teaching your daughter? That the best why to get your attention is to constantly get yourself in trouble and nearly kill yourself through poor behavior? Your son made his choices. Tragic, yes. But enabling him by constantly running to his "aid" because he keeps making bad decisions doesn't help him in any way. He needs to hit rock bottom and the only way to do that is ending up alone. Focus on making up for lost time with your daughter because if you keep going this route, she'll go NC with you. And rightfully so.
Elio 5 months ago
Sounds like a sucky situation, but the dad was right for prioritizing the Jess' graduation. It sounds like Jake wasn't in immediate danger and he had people who could help him. My family history is full of addiction problems and mental illness, so I do sympathize. But you can't keep putting the person with the addiction problem ahead of everyone else. It sucks when there's a relapse, but not every relapse Jake has is going to be an epic emergency. Just because Jess is doing ok, doesn't mean she doesn't need her parents to be around for her milestones. I will say that the people who bring up the timing of Jake's relapse may have a point. It may be a coincidence, but it may not. Some addicts in my family would do stuff like that. Some don't. It depends.
Kate Johnson 5 months ago
I think it's likely the daughter will be done with the mom after this. After all, how many times can someone deprioritize you and basically tell you that you're "not important" before you just quit trying with them at all.
Load More Replies... fu yu 5 months ago
The mother is a fool and the son is an a*****e. Of all the days he decided to shoot up and OD was the day his sister was graduating. The father is the only practical one in the bunch--let the d**g addict stew in his own juices for a few hours in the incident HE made.
Jessica Olson 5 months ago
Yes these parents are on the short path of ending up with only one child, that's addicted and their healthy child's going to go her separate way.
Load More Replies... dayngerkat 5 months ago
NTA. It was good that they each were there for one of their kids. Daughter would've been crushed if both weren't there. Mother is enabling son. All should be in family therapy
Papa 5 months ago
The only mistake OP made was sleeping on the couch when his wife was upset with him. If she was mad and didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him she could have slept on the couch.
AngelWingsYT 5 months ago
Right. She punishes him for trying to be there for the kids SHE neglects? Hope she likes a NC daughter
Load More Replies... Joanne Kaiser 5 months ago
I am in favor of the Father’s decision. I realize in the heat of the highly emotional moment it’s hard to be rational. Obviously, since the mother made the celebratory dinner, the son’s matter could have been addressed after graduation and maybe between that and the dinner. The mother ruined a lifelong memory for her and her daughter for what appeared to be not as much of an emergency as explained. Forgetting you have other children seems to be a common problem. My extended family is just now dealing with making the same kind of choices. The child with the problem comes first, dropping everything and everyone else. Only to do it again 1-2 weeks later.
D.N. Lyons 5 months ago
My parents always prioritized my sisters' lives, even with the mundane. What sealed their fate was when I was offered a spontaneous place in a collegiate chorale, despite never having taken choir in school. And with my parents telling me I sang badly and forcing me to sit in the back of the truck, I shouldn't have been surprised when my mother declined to attend, despite getting calls up to and even the day of. They never cared, they never supported me if they couldn't take credit for it, and at 39 I speak to none of them. I'm better off.
Kate Johnson 5 months ago
I think that is likely where this is headed with this mom. The daughter will just drop the rope and walk away, and probably be the better for it.
Load More Replies... RAM31280 5 months ago
100% NTA. I would think them splitting fronts and each parent attending to each child would be the correct move in this scenario, but apparently not. The son put himself into that position that day, which sounds like it was not is first OD, and may not be his last, while graduating from HS is a 1 time achievement. The mother is the AH for prioritizing the child with bad behavior over the child with good behavior who has often been overlooked previously.
Ephemera Image 5 months ago
The son was under professional care. It's not like he was in an emergency situation, he was well-cared for and mother could do nothing except hover and probably get in everyone's way. Daughter certainly deserved, for once in her life, to be the priority in her parent's lives. And I'm a little suspicious about the timing on the part of the brother as well.
Load More Replies... Candace Taylor 5 months ago
This is ridiculous. This was your child's graduation a child who was put on the back burner because of her brother's addiction issues. This was unfair to The Graduate. Your son was in no harm, and a graduation only comes once. Sadly, I see running to his side because he relapsed as enabling Behavior. He relapsed, and that's difficult but this is his journey and he has to be in charge of it you running to his side means nothing and you sacrifice the well-being of your daughter to do so. I find this really bizarre actually
Annie Johnston 5 months ago
My sister (10 years younger than I) was an addict (alcohol, prescription opiates, meth). My dad was an alcoholic (clean and sober for the rest of his life beginning when I was 35). My mother consistently chose them, because they needed her more. My sister's crises frequently meant that plans that included me were scrapped. I understood then, and I still do. However, the mother here - and possibly the father as well - need to get comfortable with their daughter not involving as much they might like as her life goes forward. For me it wasn't NC, it wasn't payback, it wasn't a lack of sympathy. They had raised me to rely on myself and myself alone, to rejoice in my own milestones and wins because I was "strong and capable". I know it hurt them when I didn't tell them about a health scare (mid-20s) until after it was past. It wasn't intentional; it just never occurred to me that they would or could have my back so why should they worry.
George LaMonica 5 months ago
The addict is the a*****e here. Addiction by it's very nature is self centered and selfish. Anyone who has had to deal with an addict of d***s or alcohol will eventually learn this. Frankly Mom is also an a*****e for enabling the addict. He was in a treatment center, let them deal with his selfish actions. He's not going to actual achieve a state of recovery until he grows up and deals with the issues causing the addiction. Jumping to "help" every time is only enabling him, slowing his recovery, ruining her relationship with her daughter and apparently starting to ruin the relationship with her husband. The wife needs to get her head out of her a*s as much as the addict son.
Skp2MyLou 5 months ago
I'm glad other Redditor commenters said it first because as I was reading this, all I could think was, "What a coincidence the brother had a relapse on the very day his sister is graduating high school!" maybe it's the cynic in me, but the OP said rhey'd already missed other significant events in their daughter's life because of their d**g addict son. D**g addicts are selfish and thoughtless people. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if the son subconsciously did this on purpose to derail his sister's day. And shame on mom for letting that happen.
Hope Tirendi 5 months ago
I'm just sick of "addicts" screwing over their siblings through the weak parents. Jake chose this life sucks to be him. A lot of people have c**p lives and we don't stick needles in our arms or drink like fish! That girl is NEVER going to include her "mother" in her life moving forward. She will never be Grandma to her kids probably won't even be welcomed at her future wedding. I'm sure brother dearest would "relapse" on that day anyway. Better off without junkies in your life!
Clara Stallworth 5 months ago
If Jake was in a life-threatening situation, that's one thing, but a relapse due to addiction is something else. Yes, it's worrisome, but as long as he's in a place where he's getting help, there's no need to go running to his side. OP was right in truly being there for his daughter's HS graduation, a ONCE in a lifetime event, after missing her milestones because of Jake's addiction issues. Mom didn't need to go running to Jake's side because, ultimately, what can she do? She has no right to get mad at OP; instead both of them need counseling as a family, and learn to let Jake hit rock bottom by not running every time he's in trouble. Only when he hits bottom will he seek help and turn his life around.
Dave The Wraith 5 months ago
NTA. you have TWO children which I think your wife has forgotten about, and as sad as it sounds, maybe enabling your son every time he screws up may not be the best thing for him.
Claudia Bert 5 months ago
Jake is a junkie. They are all selfish and untrustworthy. The mom is an enabler. She shouldn't have gone to see him and should actually be ashamed of herself for missing her daughters graduation. That's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm sure Jake will relapse again, so she can be with him next time. Dad should stand his ground.
Kimberly Wiltshire 5 months ago
Yeah I am betting on son relapsing to distract parents from sister's graduation. Addicts want attention, they don't care if it's good or bad attention, like children just attention. Considering Jake has been dealing with addiction while young his maturity levels haven't developed and or stagnated as is common with grown adult addicts. Allowing him to keep manipulating everyone is not going to help him. It adds to his guilt which adds to the addiction. The wife needs counseling. There is being supportive and enabling. It might even be he does the relapse in part to get extra attention. So running to his side and unnegotiably supportive might also be a problem. It's a fine line.
Beth Wheeler 5 months ago
She should have gone to graduation with you and then gone to check on him after. Your son is causing way 2 many problems and hard feelings. She may not say it but your daughter probably has resentment towards her brother for all of the c**p he's pulled.
fizzypop 5 months ago (edited)
i'm recovering from a different kind of addiction (self injury, but an addiction all the same) & if my mom regularly dropped my siblings important events because of me, i'd feel guilty forever. relapses suck, but eventually you have to learn to handle it on your own before it destroys not only you, but everyone around you too. it's not easy but it can happen. the dad was in the right
Diane Shook 5 months ago
Someone needs to recommend that the family needs Al-Anon, a 12-step program for family and friends of alcoholics. My oldest son is an addict and my life only improved after I learned " I didn't cause it. I can't cure it and I can't control it." I also learned that I needed to let him live his life and I needed to live mine. All that probably sounds harsh but go to program and learn.
Nikole 5 months ago
There’s a program called Families Anonymous that my parents liked a 1000 times better than Al-Alon. It’s not as religion-based and, in their words, isn’t just a bunch of sad stories every time. (Guess who was their “qualifier”?? Oh, it was me.)
Load More Replies... The Cuckoo 5 months ago
As an addict with nearly 4 years clean I can say that I would not have remembered my parents being there for a relapse. Let alone one while in treatment! It was best said by a commenter that you simply say “thanks for the info!” And go about your day. Jesus Christ what an enabling mother, no wonder he hasn’t gotten his s**t together, why would he? No risk of rock bottom until she’s divorced and NC with everyone for her to finally cut the umbilical cord. I’m proud of that dad, I’d have been feeling terrible if I was in this story as the addict.
Ali 4 months ago
This is why people cut off addicts. It's hard, but sometimes you need to cut the dead weight. How much are OP and his wife spending for a rehab program that their son seems intent on failing? Why are they ignoring the successful child for the one that's already ruined his life?
Ken Schroeder 4 months ago
The son doesn't want to help himself. Write the f**k off and be done with him.
Natasha Arruda 5 months ago
I'm a 37 YO woman who is sister to a 40 YO male addict. He's been using since 14. He has three children with all different women, who he is not in the lives of. ( The amazing woman who is biological mother to his youngest has opened her house to the older two and is basically their mother now, so they are actually in an amazing spot now, even without their dad. ) All that is to say that you can be there for them EVERY time and not make a difference. Sometimes the biggest difference will be made when you WON'T be there. When they finally see that there is a cut off point. My mother has never actually done this, sadly, but having a fall back point means that my brother cannot hit bottom and therefore will never actually stop.
Ima Manimal 5 months ago
Jake’s timing is impeccable. I’m being that every time something significant is happening, he has an episode. F**k Jake.
Sam Stairhime 5 months ago
Growing up as a "Jess," I'm so glad at least one of you was there for her. My dad always chose me, my mom always chose my brother. My mom missed major milestones, like my wedding reception and the birth of my child, due to coddling my brother (they left the reception early because he was bored and anxious, she missed visiting us in the hospital because she couldn't bring my brother with her - Covid rules.) I've been in therapy for months and the biggest wound I have been working through is my mom always prioritizing my brother, even to the point of me moving out and sleeping on a friend's couch because she cared more about his safety as a homeless addict than my safety, as someone who never broke any rules and did my best to make everyone happy. My heart breaks for Jess and I hope you and your wife will honor, celebrate, an be support her in her good choices at least as much as you support your son despite his bad choices.
AF 5 months ago
I had a brother that was an addictions, my mom always bent over backwards for him. I felt like I wasn't worth her time or effort. I spent 23 years in the military and done well for myself. Even after my brother was killed in an accident, I'm still second best child against a ghost. Make time for your daughter, make special memories and don't make her feel like she's second best just because she doesn't need constant attention and care.
Oshioriamhe 5 months ago
Your wife forgets she has another child. And it might just be too late someday soon. You're NTA. You have done your very best. Your son is an adult and just might be manipulative and also jealous...
Charlie 5 months ago
Funny how the relapse just so happened to occur a few hours before the sister s event 🤔 just enough time to change the parents. Haven't i seen something like this. Oh yea it's called sibling Jealousy. This was done to my parents too by my sister. And my dad never believed it
Georgie Gal 5 months ago
I wanted to click Yes etc., up there, but I don't believe "milestones" require everyone to drop everything for them. Now, I'm not saying the graduation wasn't important, I'm just saying using a milestone moment as a reason is unfathomable to me. Technically, milestones are really only important for the person who is living it. The rest of us are just spectators. Besides all that, I'd like to know why the mother felt the need to drop everything to run off to her son. Is she a doctor? A psychiatrist? Able to stop him from being an addict? Yeah, I'm going to sound jerky, but he's in an environment with people who are literally trained and paid to do what is needed to help him. Yes, be there for your child emotionally, but if your actions are going to be at the expense of others, you're doing no one any favors. I'm not trying to sound mean, but maybe because I have no guilt complex I'm not understanding the reason why she thinks she can be of help where she never was before.
Kathy Kennedy 5 months ago
How often is Jess going to be 2nd place. For her wedding? Will she play 2nd fiddle for the birth of her children, especially her 1st. I see no contact in your wife's , if not your, not too distant future unless your son starts getting treated like the grown a** man he is and Jess gets afforded the respect she deserves for her major events. The majority of addicts can be highly manipulative - how convenient that he should have a relapse at this exact time. He needs your support but not at the expense of your daughter - shame on your wife, but you sound like you're pushing your luck as well. He's in treatment , he was safe - there should have been no doubt of seeing your daughter graduate before you both went to check your son
AngelWingsYT 5 months ago
What in the F*CK could two of them done that 1 couldnt?! He was in care of the medic staff. Not like both them there would magically make him better. Mom is TA for constantly putting her other kid last n acting like it's no big deal. Wouldnt be shocked if she went NC with mom over this n i dont blame it. Good on dad for supporting daughter. I do hope the son gets his stuff together but given he was fine until this exact moment...its a bit sus...
Lisa 5 months ago
Your wife ITA. Have you all been in Al anon? All you're doing is enabling your son. I'm so very disappointed that both of you didn't attend your daughter's graduation ceremony, and I'm not your daughter! Your son has to stay sober on his own. It's just going to break the family apart.n
charlene Sutton 5 months ago
They have al anon for families of alcoholics, nar anon for families of addicts. It is possible to love the addict to d eath. These programs help the families deal with addiction and show you how to live your own life through the process. Both programs save lives.
Darlena Zarlinga 5 months ago
I have more than a limited experience....so with that said, the more you run to the son the more you make it less likely he will change. ENABLING is what you and your wife have done. Your son and his addiction is manipulating you. I have paid for many rehabs...until I cut it off and then somehow sobriety happened, really how unfair...repeatedly favoring your son over your daughter will kill your daughters self confidence! You should go to Alanon and gets some tools and insight into what you have been doing to your family unit.
Parriah 5 months ago
I’ve been sober for 15 years but my brother lost his battle with alcohol and d**g addiction in 2019. My parents highly favoured my brother and made him less accountable for his own mess than they did me. They abandoned me but I can say honestly it saved my life. I had to get to a place that I had no instant rescue and no one making excuses for me, real rock bottom. I was homeless and scared and self destructive, I knew it was the 11th hour and I would die or give everything I had left to crawl to safety. My parents coddled and financially supported my brother and made sure he didn’t suffer, he died in part because they let him languish in his addiction and made it easy for him so they wouldn’t feel bad. I’m here and he isn’t. Those parents are enabling their son too, emotional enabling is as harmful to an addict as other enabling. If they don’t stop, he won’t be here anymore and their daughter might be far away from them as well. I hope things change for all of you, god bless
sharyn turnicky 5 months ago
Do Jake's relapses occur when your daughter has an event important to her?
Pamela Bracken 5 months ago
I noted when the wife said to the husband, "We should have been on the same page..." Yes, you SHOULD have been on the same page and been at your daughter's Graduation with your husband! This is going to be an even more broken family if the wife doesn't get her act together.
Hannah Taylor 5 months ago
NTA. OP'S wife is literally mapping out in exquisite detail the future regarding their daughter. Heck, I can lay odds in Vegas that if their daughter graduates college, gets engaged, gets married, Son will have yet another relapse exactly on the day of each event. Mom will have successfully pushed her daughter out of her life once and for all. I hope OP will be there for her all those times.
Hannah Kirtley 5 months ago
therapy is needed. couples for sure. family probably wouldn't hurt either. and individual for mom cuz her guilt over her son being an addict is concerning. makes me wonder WHY she feels guilty about her (then) almost adult kid making bad choices and getting into a bad lifestyle. and then the continued guilt that her (now) very much am adult kid relapsing while in care. where he can get help.
JennyH 5 months ago
Sober for 13 years, dad is over it. Mom is enabling under the guise of love and support. They need to let go, as tough as that will be. My parents did the same thing and my sister was slighted a lot because of it. It is, not fair to her and damaging. It's not easy to let go of an addict but it's likely the only thing that would help him.
Malek Basata 5 months ago (edited)
NTA, the son is recovering and he will soon become connected to life again, I am sure he wouldn't forgive himself if he was the reason his sister was unsupported in her most important moments, still it was the best case scenario as both children had one parent with them
Ivy at Eve 4 months ago
Dad was right to chose his daughters graduation. They could have made a conscious decision to split up and that would probably have been more manageable by the daughter (as it would show support from mom too, even if she weren't there). I see a lot of comments doubting the timing and pointing fingers at the son. I don't think the timing is suspicious but more the son being faced with his sisters success and as a consequence his failure and he just couldn't cope causing the relapse. Also he was sure to be validated and feel loved because he knew (subconsciously) that his parents would come running.
Sheena Leversedge Wood 4 months ago
he was safe. it wasn't an emergency. I get the impression that they put him first over every event in her life. I bet you he'd have a relapse on her wedding day just to turn their attention back to him.
Melissa Harris 5 months ago (edited)
Enabling kills just as much as the substance itself and it destroys the rest of the family in the process. The OPs wife also has an addiction: it's emotional codependency with her son.
Tammy Dickson 5 months ago
Your son is selfish and inconsiderate. He has a great family and he is throwing away his potential to be a self sufficient adult. Your daughter is the one suffering and one day she might move away and and never come back. Your wife needs to show tough love. She should have gone to the graduation and then go running to her son. I feel sorry for your daughter. Dad did the absolute right thing and shame on Mom. She's the AH. I had a family member with addiction issues.
Kate Johnson 5 months ago
I think if I was the daughter, I'd focus on going college and my relationship with my dad, and just write off mom and bro. In future I would no longer invite mom to any future milestone events, anticipating in advance that bro will once again have a very conveniently timed "relapse" and need to suck up all available attention for himself. I'd tell her, "since you obviously only care about one of your children, we can just quit pretending to have a relationship." I'd just avoid all "family" gatherings and only get together with my dad.
Margaret Tharpe 5 months ago
The piece being ignored regarding the son is that the report regarding the son included "in a bad way." Had the son died & no parent had gone, their grief would have been compounded. The 2 parents splitting the tasks of the day was the best solution. However, more info about the son would help clarify that. All the talk about manipulation/enablng: Please stop all the psycho-babble on this issue. With the onset of addiction, the brain changes. In the sane way, high-stress emotional or physical events can trigger seizures, which should not be interpreted as mnipulation/enabling events...unless we want to through in that pile heart attacks, strokes, accidents, etc. as well. Yes, this is complicated and stressful for the entire family. Please don't simplify ...particularly in the absence of more details. Many siblings have-tragically-had to be side-lined because if a sibling's cancer or other chronic illness.
Jessie 3 months ago
The massive difference between a chronic illness or cancer and an addiction is that addicts chose their addiction, most are also perfectly capable of realizing the effects of their actions.
Load More Replies... Gerarda Heffernan 5 months ago
My brother had similar problems with alcohol for years. He ruined lots of occasions turning up drunk and trying to start fights. My mother always made excuses for him and would say he had a bit of a drink problem. He was an alcoholic, but she wouldn't admit that and this added to the problem. He continued to drink and she would give him money when he asked for it, which was regularly. Then he began to have blackouts and was admitted to hospital, usually by ambulance. He would wake up not knowing how or why he was in hospital and would get angry and abusive with us and also the medical staff. Then he would discharge himself and go drinking again. The medical staff told him that if he kept drinking he would die but he wouldn't believe them. This went on for years. I had booked a holiday for my mother and myself and a few days before he had another episode and my mother felt she couldn't go in case he needed her. Luckily he gave up drinking 3 years ago and is a different person now.
Craig Curry 5 months ago
Memo to wife : ENOUGH ………..Start seeing that U are offensive , U absolutely should have been at daughter’s graduation…………..Son was not in a serious dead end ……….BE A MOTHER to your daughter………..the A H is U !
John Smith (he/him/xy/️) 5 months ago
Sounds to me like the wife doesn't even love the daughter.
DC 5 months ago
Where exactly can I read this? I fail to see a single word indicating that, let alone would I be able to confirm any of it...
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