I'm a recovering addict n if I found out that my parents missed my siblings graduation or any important milestone in life bc of my addiction/issues i would feel so guilty. I know what it's like to be the addict n i know what it's like to watch an addict destroy their lives. It's never easy no matter whose shoes you're wearing. But to miss your daughter's ONLY high school graduation bc your son has another relapse is unforgivable. I understand that u want to be there for ur son. U should be. But u have neglected ur daughter for no reason. What was so urgent that she couldn't wait until after? He seemed to be in a safe place w/ ppl to help him. instead of being a mother to both of ur kids.. u decided ur son is the only one worthy of love/support? Addiction is a disease. But it's a choice disease. Being a terrible parent might as well be a proxy disease bc ur daughter is suffering x2. From a sick brother n an absent, neglectful mother. Thank god she has her dad.

OP's wife needs help with her sense of guilt, because it wreaks havoc in her family. You've split up forces: wife goes to son, husband goes to daughter's graduation, everyone wins, so to speak. Absolutely, categorically nothing wrong with this; this is as it should be. Just a side-note: OP's wife sense of guilt will not be very helpful in her son's recovery either.

NTA. Wtf are you teaching your daughter? That the best why to get your attention is to constantly get yourself in trouble and nearly kill yourself through poor behavior? Your son made his choices. Tragic, yes. But enabling him by constantly running to his "aid" because he keeps making bad decisions doesn't help him in any way. He needs to hit rock bottom and the only way to do that is ending up alone. Focus on making up for lost time with your daughter because if you keep going this route, she'll go NC with you. And rightfully so.

The mother is a fool and the son is an a*****e. Of all the days he decided to shoot up and OD was the day his sister was graduating. The father is the only practical one in the bunch--let the d**g addict stew in his own juices for a few hours in the incident HE made.

The only mistake OP made was sleeping on the couch when his wife was upset with him. If she was mad and didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him she could have slept on the couch.

Amazing how the son was doing well, right up to a few hours before the graduation!? Jealous much?? The son's biggest issue is his mommy enabler. She needs to cut the cord and let him be a man. Win or lose, it's his responsibility. NTA

100% NTA. I would think them splitting fronts and each parent attending to each child would be the correct move in this scenario, but apparently not. The son put himself into that position that day, which sounds like it was not is first OD, and may not be his last, while graduating from HS is a 1 time achievement. The mother is the AH for prioritizing the child with bad behavior over the child with good behavior who has often been overlooked previously.

This is ridiculous. This was your child's graduation a child who was put on the back burner because of her brother's addiction issues. This was unfair to The Graduate. Your son was in no harm, and a graduation only comes once. Sadly, I see running to his side because he relapsed as enabling Behavior. He relapsed, and that's difficult but this is his journey and he has to be in charge of it you running to his side means nothing and you sacrifice the well-being of your daughter to do so. I find this really bizarre actually

The addict is the a*****e here. Addiction by it's very nature is self centered and selfish. Anyone who has had to deal with an addict of d***s or alcohol will eventually learn this. Frankly Mom is also an a*****e for enabling the addict. He was in a treatment center, let them deal with his selfish actions. He's not going to actual achieve a state of recovery until he grows up and deals with the issues causing the addiction. Jumping to "help" every time is only enabling him, slowing his recovery, ruining her relationship with her daughter and apparently starting to ruin the relationship with her husband. The wife needs to get her head out of her a*s as much as the addict son.

I'm just sick of "addicts" screwing over their siblings through the weak parents. Jake chose this life sucks to be him. A lot of people have c**p lives and we don't stick needles in our arms or drink like fish! That girl is NEVER going to include her "mother" in her life moving forward. She will never be Grandma to her kids probably won't even be welcomed at her future wedding. I'm sure brother dearest would "relapse" on that day anyway. Better off without junkies in your life!

NTA. you have TWO children which I think your wife has forgotten about, and as sad as it sounds, maybe enabling your son every time he screws up may not be the best thing for him.

HE slept on the couch?? Why is it always the man, even when the wife is obviously in the wrong in this one?

She should have gone to graduation with you and then gone to check on him after. Your son is causing way 2 many problems and hard feelings. She may not say it but your daughter probably has resentment towards her brother for all of the c**p he's pulled.

Someone needs to recommend that the family needs Al-Anon, a 12-step program for family and friends of alcoholics. My oldest son is an addict and my life only improved after I learned " I didn't cause it. I can't cure it and I can't control it." I also learned that I needed to let him live his life and I needed to live mine. All that probably sounds harsh but go to program and learn.

This is why people cut off addicts. It's hard, but sometimes you need to cut the dead weight. How much are OP and his wife spending for a rehab program that their son seems intent on failing? Why are they ignoring the successful child for the one that's already ruined his life?

I'm a 37 YO woman who is sister to a 40 YO male addict. He's been using since 14. He has three children with all different women, who he is not in the lives of. ( The amazing woman who is biological mother to his youngest has opened her house to the older two and is basically their mother now, so they are actually in an amazing spot now, even without their dad. ) All that is to say that you can be there for them EVERY time and not make a difference. Sometimes the biggest difference will be made when you WON'T be there. When they finally see that there is a cut off point. My mother has never actually done this, sadly, but having a fall back point means that my brother cannot hit bottom and therefore will never actually stop.

Growing up as a "Jess," I'm so glad at least one of you was there for her. My dad always chose me, my mom always chose my brother. My mom missed major milestones, like my wedding reception and the birth of my child, due to coddling my brother (they left the reception early because he was bored and anxious, she missed visiting us in the hospital because she couldn't bring my brother with her - Covid rules.) I've been in therapy for months and the biggest wound I have been working through is my mom always prioritizing my brother, even to the point of me moving out and sleeping on a friend's couch because she cared more about his safety as a homeless addict than my safety, as someone who never broke any rules and did my best to make everyone happy. My heart breaks for Jess and I hope you and your wife will honor, celebrate, an be support her in her good choices at least as much as you support your son despite his bad choices.

Your wife forgets she has another child. And it might just be too late someday soon. You're NTA. You have done your very best. Your son is an adult and just might be manipulative and also jealous...

I wanted to click Yes etc., up there, but I don't believe "milestones" require everyone to drop everything for them. Now, I'm not saying the graduation wasn't important, I'm just saying using a milestone moment as a reason is unfathomable to me. Technically, milestones are really only important for the person who is living it. The rest of us are just spectators. Besides all that, I'd like to know why the mother felt the need to drop everything to run off to her son. Is she a doctor? A psychiatrist? Able to stop him from being an addict? Yeah, I'm going to sound jerky, but he's in an environment with people who are literally trained and paid to do what is needed to help him. Yes, be there for your child emotionally, but if your actions are going to be at the expense of others, you're doing no one any favors. I'm not trying to sound mean, but maybe because I have no guilt complex I'm not understanding the reason why she thinks she can be of help where she never was before.

What in the F*CK could two of them done that 1 couldnt?! He was in care of the medic staff. Not like both them there would magically make him better. Mom is TA for constantly putting her other kid last n acting like it's no big deal. Wouldnt be shocked if she went NC with mom over this n i dont blame it. Good on dad for supporting daughter. I do hope the son gets his stuff together but given he was fine until this exact moment...its a bit sus...

They have al anon for families of alcoholics, nar anon for families of addicts. It is possible to love the addict to d eath. These programs help the families deal with addiction and show you how to live your own life through the process. Both programs save lives.

I’ve been sober for 15 years but my brother lost his battle with alcohol and d**g addiction in 2019. My parents highly favoured my brother and made him less accountable for his own mess than they did me. They abandoned me but I can say honestly it saved my life. I had to get to a place that I had no instant rescue and no one making excuses for me, real rock bottom. I was homeless and scared and self destructive, I knew it was the 11th hour and I would die or give everything I had left to crawl to safety. My parents coddled and financially supported my brother and made sure he didn’t suffer, he died in part because they let him languish in his addiction and made it easy for him so they wouldn’t feel bad. I’m here and he isn’t. Those parents are enabling their son too, emotional enabling is as harmful to an addict as other enabling. If they don’t stop, he won’t be here anymore and their daughter might be far away from them as well. I hope things change for all of you, god bless

I noted when the wife said to the husband, "We should have been on the same page..." Yes, you SHOULD have been on the same page and been at your daughter's Graduation with your husband! This is going to be an even more broken family if the wife doesn't get her act together.

therapy is needed. couples for sure. family probably wouldn't hurt either. and individual for mom cuz her guilt over her son being an addict is concerning. makes me wonder WHY she feels guilty about her (then) almost adult kid making bad choices and getting into a bad lifestyle. and then the continued guilt that her (now) very much am adult kid relapsing while in care. where he can get help.

Sober for 13 years, dad is over it. Mom is enabling under the guise of love and support. They need to let go, as tough as that will be. My parents did the same thing and my sister was slighted a lot because of it. It is, not fair to her and damaging. It's not easy to let go of an addict but it's likely the only thing that would help him.

Dad was right to chose his daughters graduation. They could have made a conscious decision to split up and that would probably have been more manageable by the daughter (as it would show support from mom too, even if she weren't there). I see a lot of comments doubting the timing and pointing fingers at the son. I don't think the timing is suspicious but more the son being faced with his sisters success and as a consequence his failure and he just couldn't cope causing the relapse. Also he was sure to be validated and feel loved because he knew (subconsciously) that his parents would come running.

Enabling kills just as much as the substance itself and it destroys the rest of the family in the process. The OPs wife also has an addiction: it's emotional codependency with her son.

Nta. In fact, it might be good for son to know he can't always steal the spotlight.

The piece being ignored regarding the son is that the report regarding the son included "in a bad way." Had the son died & no parent had gone, their grief would have been compounded. The 2 parents splitting the tasks of the day was the best solution. However, more info about the son would help clarify that. All the talk about manipulation/enablng: Please stop all the psycho-babble on this issue. With the onset of addiction, the brain changes. In the sane way, high-stress emotional or physical events can trigger seizures, which should not be interpreted as mnipulation/enabling events...unless we want to through in that pile heart attacks, strokes, accidents, etc. as well. Yes, this is complicated and stressful for the entire family. Please don't simplify ...particularly in the absence of more details. Many siblings have-tragically-had to be side-lined because if a sibling's cancer or other chronic illness.

Memo to wife : ENOUGH ………..Start seeing that U are offensive , U absolutely should have been at daughter’s graduation…………..Son was not in a serious dead end ……….BE A MOTHER to your daughter………..the A H is U !

Sounds to me like the wife doesn't even love the daughter.