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95
Disappointed Dad Refuses To Skip Another Of His Daughter’s Milestones After Son Relapses Once More
Literally at every step in our lives we have to make choices. Both on a small, everyday level, which have almost no effect on our future lives, and incredibly complex, primarily on the mental level, which actually greatly influence both ourselves and our loved ones.
For example, the user u/Ok-Song3414, the author of the story we’ll tell you today, for many years had been making a choice between his children in favor of his son. The choice was largely forced, but nevertheless, his daughter suffered. And then, one fine day, the father decided to give preference to the daughter. What came of it? Let’s read on.
More info: Reddit
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The author of the post has two adult kids, a son and a daughter, and his son is, alas, an addict
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
For many years the parents had been doing their best to help their son, even neglecting the daughter’s needs
Image credits: Ok-Song3414
When it came time for the daughter’s graduation ceremony, her brother was in a recovery housing program
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ok-Song3414
A few hours before the graduation started, the parents received a call from rehab that their son had relapsed
Image credits: Alena Darmel (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ok-Song3414
The mom decided to go to be with the son, while the author preferred to stay with his daughter in this important moment for her
So, the Original Poster (OP) is 51 years old, his wife is three years younger, and they have two adult children, a 23-year-old son, “Jake,” and an 18-year-old daughter, “Jess.” And, according to the dad, his son has been experiencing serious problems with alcohol and substances for several years now. Serious to such an extent that he has already ended up in rehab more than once.
No, the author notes that he and his wife always did their best to ensure that the children received a decent upbringing – it just happened that Jake one day got involved with the wrong company, and then went down a slippery slope. Moreover, whenever the guy had issues, the parents had to literally drop everything and tend to him, thereby sacrificing time for their daughter.
But Jess, on the contrary, grew up as a very diligent and talented girl, studied well and approached her graduation ceremony with a great GPA. Her parents were very proud of her – and, of course, they were going to attend her graduation party. The brother was in a recovery housing program at that time.
And then, literally a couple of hours before the ceremony, they called from the rehab – Jake had relapsed and was very ill. Of course, the mom immediately got ready to go to her son, and when the husband asked what to do about the daughter’s graduation party, she said that this was way more important. But the OP reasonably objected that he couldn’t keep acting this way, and that their daughter’s graduation is a milestone that is incredibly important for her.
In other words, the spouses went in different directions. The wife went to rehab to see her son, the husband drove to his daughter’s school. Of course, she was incredibly happy to see her dad, but very disappointed by the mom’s absence. And, certainly, she was upset when she learned about her brother’s health problems. However, soon the author’s wife called – yes, Jake felt bad, but his life wasn’t in danger.
And in the evening the couple had another argument about which of them did the right thing. The wife said that the OP was wrong and selfish in not being there with his son, and the author replied that their daughter is no less important, and that in fact, only one person was selfish here – the wife herself. In the end, as the author admits, that night he had to sleep on the couch in the living room, but he’s still sure that he did what was right.
Image credits: Safari Consoler (not the actual photo)
“Making these kinds of choices is always incredibly difficult for any parent – and yes, I believe that this man’s daughter felt upset more than once because her parents repeatedly neglected important events in her life because they constantly had to cope with her brother’s problems,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment here. “Moreover, the graduation is actually a once-in-a-lifetime event.”
“In any case, if the problem with his son’s health was not critical, then this man acted quite reasonably – so that at least one of the parents was next to their daughter at this important moment for her. By the way, based on my experience I can say that there were cases when some manifestations of favoritism from parents to one of the kids became a trigger for various problems in this exact kid. I do hope, however, that sooner or later all the problems of this family will be left behind,” Irina ponders.
Commenters on the original post also supported our hero in his decision – even if it wasn’t easy. “No one was supposed to go running just because he relapsed. He also knew it was his sibling’s graduation,” one of the responders wrote. “Relapsing doesn’t require even a visit when he’s already in a program. You say ok, thanks for letting us know, and go about your life. What was the purpose of dropping everything and running there?”
In addition, some people in the comments sincerely disbelieve that the relapse on sister’s graduation day could’ve happened completely by chance. “I’m wondering if there is a correlation between your son’s relapses and emergencies and your daughter’s special events,” one of the commenters supposed. “My sister used to have episodes before every single event that celebrates me. In her mind, my successes exposed her failures,” another person reminisced. “I absolutely blamed my mom for enabling this.”
Well, the relationship between siblings can be either completely cloudless or incredibly strained, and in fact, parents are not always able to do something here. If you also have examples of similar stories in your memory, please feel free to share them in the comments below this post. And, of course, please tell us what you think about this tale as well.
People in the comments, meanwhile, sided with the dad, claiming that he did the right thing here
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What do you think ?
Sherman 1 year ago
I'm a recovering addict n if I found out that my parents missed my siblings graduation or any important milestone in life bc of my addiction/issues i would feel so guilty. I know what it's like to be the addict n i know what it's like to watch an addict destroy their lives. It's never easy no matter whose shoes you're wearing. But to miss your daughter's ONLY high school graduation bc your son has another relapse is unforgivable. I understand that u want to be there for ur son. U should be. But u have neglected ur daughter for no reason. What was so urgent that she couldn't wait until after? He seemed to be in a safe place w/ ppl to help him. instead of being a mother to both of ur kids.. u decided ur son is the only one worthy of love/support? Addiction is a disease. But it's a choice disease. Being a terrible parent might as well be a proxy disease bc ur daughter is suffering x2. From a sick brother n an absent, neglectful mother. Thank god she has her dad.
Mike F 1 year ago
When I went into treatment (90 day inpatient) I never told any of my family. There is/was nothing they could have done to aid my process. I got myself in the predicament I was in and I had to see it through or fail on my own. I wasn't allowed to have my phone during the stay so I didn't talk to any of my family until I went to transitional housing after the 90 days. That woman could do nothing toward her son's treatment, and I can't imagine a facility that would allow even a family member access during the detox and initial phases of treatment. The dad has it absolutely correct. His daughter deserves to be celebrated on her graduation and should have had both parents in attendance. Instead, mom (perhaps enabler) runs off to do nothing for the son who is beyond her help. She truly needs an Al-anon type group to teach her the limitations she is facing, ie, she can't fix him and if she tries she may lose her daughter and son. She needs to wise up, and a program will help.
Load More Replies...
Hphizzle 1 year ago (edited)
Mama is enabling the son. Not by enabling the d**g habit, but by allowing herself to be emotionally manipulated by him. Pop’s finally seeing through it and recognizing their daughter’s struggle. This is not going to be an easy or quick thing to work through. Mom sounds pretty tunnel vision about the son. It will take a lot of work for her to see just how enmeshed she is. I hope pops keeps supporting his daughter as she goes to school. I hope the daughter finds an amazing support system at university.
Candace Taylor 1 year ago
Exactly! Mommy running to his side because he had a relapse is absurd and enabling under any circumstances but, to miss her daughter's High School graduation because of it is ridiculous and absolutely thoughtless guilt or not.
Load More Replies...
Alexandra 1 year ago
OP's wife needs help with her sense of guilt, because it wreaks havoc in her family. You've split up forces: wife goes to son, husband goes to daughter's graduation, everyone wins, so to speak. Absolutely, categorically nothing wrong with this; this is as it should be. Just a side-note: OP's wife sense of guilt will not be very helpful in her son's recovery either.
Candace Taylor 1 year ago
Actually you're completely mistaken! Addicts have to deal with their Addictions on their own. No one can make them stop using or relapsing, therefore mommy running to his side was ridiculous and at the sacrifice of her daughter's emotional well-being. And I would bet my life the daughters needs have been put on the back burner more than once because of her d**g addict brother. The priorities should have been The Graduate. The addict was in no danger whatsoever and Mommy running to his side was nothing but enabling Behavior
Load More Replies...
Ash 1 year ago
I know I'm very suspicious, but... do you think the brother might have TIMED his not-really-serious "relapse" to coincide with his sister getting attention? OP should look over the timing of previous relapses. It's like how covert narcissists tend to subtly try to ruin their partners' and children's birthdays. They can't stand the spotlight being on somebody other than them. (But yes, I am cynical about this kind of thing lol)
Elio 1 year ago
Sounds like drama my uncle would bring. Most of the other people with substance issues in my extended family would not time relapses for attention, but my uncle is (or was, idk if he's still alive) very self-centered.
Load More Replies...
MR 1 year ago
NTA. Wtf are you teaching your daughter? That the best why to get your attention is to constantly get yourself in trouble and nearly kill yourself through poor behavior? Your son made his choices. Tragic, yes. But enabling him by constantly running to his "aid" because he keeps making bad decisions doesn't help him in any way. He needs to hit rock bottom and the only way to do that is ending up alone. Focus on making up for lost time with your daughter because if you keep going this route, she'll go NC with you. And rightfully so.
Elio 1 year ago
Sounds like a sucky situation, but the dad was right for prioritizing the Jess' graduation. It sounds like Jake wasn't in immediate danger and he had people who could help him. My family history is full of addiction problems and mental illness, so I do sympathize. But you can't keep putting the person with the addiction problem ahead of everyone else. It sucks when there's a relapse, but not every relapse Jake has is going to be an epic emergency. Just because Jess is doing ok, doesn't mean she doesn't need her parents to be around for her milestones. I will say that the people who bring up the timing of Jake's relapse may have a point. It may be a coincidence, but it may not. Some addicts in my family would do stuff like that. Some don't. It depends.
Kate Johnson 1 year ago
I think it's likely the daughter will be done with the mom after this. After all, how many times can someone deprioritize you and basically tell you that you're "not important" before you just quit trying with them at all.
Load More Replies...
fu yu 1 year ago
The mother is a fool and the son is an a*****e. Of all the days he decided to shoot up and OD was the day his sister was graduating. The father is the only practical one in the bunch--let the d**g addict stew in his own juices for a few hours in the incident HE made.
Jessica Olson 1 year ago
Yes these parents are on the short path of ending up with only one child, that's addicted and their healthy child's going to go her separate way.
Load More Replies...
dayngerkat 1 year ago
NTA. It was good that they each were there for one of their kids. Daughter would've been crushed if both weren't there. Mother is enabling son. All should be in family therapy
Papa 1 year ago
The only mistake OP made was sleeping on the couch when his wife was upset with him. If she was mad and didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him she could have slept on the couch.
AngelWingsYT 1 year ago
Right. She punishes him for trying to be there for the kids SHE neglects? Hope she likes a NC daughter
Load More Replies...
Joanne Kaiser 1 year ago
I am in favor of the Father’s decision. I realize in the heat of the highly emotional moment it’s hard to be rational. Obviously, since the mother made the celebratory dinner, the son’s matter could have been addressed after graduation and maybe between that and the dinner. The mother ruined a lifelong memory for her and her daughter for what appeared to be not as much of an emergency as explained. Forgetting you have other children seems to be a common problem. My extended family is just now dealing with making the same kind of choices. The child with the problem comes first, dropping everything and everyone else. Only to do it again 1-2 weeks later.
Sherman 1 year ago
I'm a recovering addict n if I found out that my parents missed my siblings graduation or any important milestone in life bc of my addiction/issues i would feel so guilty. I know what it's like to be the addict n i know what it's like to watch an addict destroy their lives. It's never easy no matter whose shoes you're wearing. But to miss your daughter's ONLY high school graduation bc your son has another relapse is unforgivable. I understand that u want to be there for ur son. U should be. But u have neglected ur daughter for no reason. What was so urgent that she couldn't wait until after? He seemed to be in a safe place w/ ppl to help him. instead of being a mother to both of ur kids.. u decided ur son is the only one worthy of love/support? Addiction is a disease. But it's a choice disease. Being a terrible parent might as well be a proxy disease bc ur daughter is suffering x2. From a sick brother n an absent, neglectful mother. Thank god she has her dad.
Mike F 1 year ago
When I went into treatment (90 day inpatient) I never told any of my family. There is/was nothing they could have done to aid my process. I got myself in the predicament I was in and I had to see it through or fail on my own. I wasn't allowed to have my phone during the stay so I didn't talk to any of my family until I went to transitional housing after the 90 days. That woman could do nothing toward her son's treatment, and I can't imagine a facility that would allow even a family member access during the detox and initial phases of treatment. The dad has it absolutely correct. His daughter deserves to be celebrated on her graduation and should have had both parents in attendance. Instead, mom (perhaps enabler) runs off to do nothing for the son who is beyond her help. She truly needs an Al-anon type group to teach her the limitations she is facing, ie, she can't fix him and if she tries she may lose her daughter and son. She needs to wise up, and a program will help.
Load More Replies... Hphizzle 1 year ago (edited)
Mama is enabling the son. Not by enabling the d**g habit, but by allowing herself to be emotionally manipulated by him. Pop’s finally seeing through it and recognizing their daughter’s struggle. This is not going to be an easy or quick thing to work through. Mom sounds pretty tunnel vision about the son. It will take a lot of work for her to see just how enmeshed she is. I hope pops keeps supporting his daughter as she goes to school. I hope the daughter finds an amazing support system at university.
Candace Taylor 1 year ago
Exactly! Mommy running to his side because he had a relapse is absurd and enabling under any circumstances but, to miss her daughter's High School graduation because of it is ridiculous and absolutely thoughtless guilt or not.
Load More Replies... Alexandra 1 year ago
OP's wife needs help with her sense of guilt, because it wreaks havoc in her family. You've split up forces: wife goes to son, husband goes to daughter's graduation, everyone wins, so to speak. Absolutely, categorically nothing wrong with this; this is as it should be. Just a side-note: OP's wife sense of guilt will not be very helpful in her son's recovery either.
Candace Taylor 1 year ago
Actually you're completely mistaken! Addicts have to deal with their Addictions on their own. No one can make them stop using or relapsing, therefore mommy running to his side was ridiculous and at the sacrifice of her daughter's emotional well-being. And I would bet my life the daughters needs have been put on the back burner more than once because of her d**g addict brother. The priorities should have been The Graduate. The addict was in no danger whatsoever and Mommy running to his side was nothing but enabling Behavior
Load More Replies... Ash 1 year ago
I know I'm very suspicious, but... do you think the brother might have TIMED his not-really-serious "relapse" to coincide with his sister getting attention? OP should look over the timing of previous relapses. It's like how covert narcissists tend to subtly try to ruin their partners' and children's birthdays. They can't stand the spotlight being on somebody other than them. (But yes, I am cynical about this kind of thing lol)
Elio 1 year ago
Sounds like drama my uncle would bring. Most of the other people with substance issues in my extended family would not time relapses for attention, but my uncle is (or was, idk if he's still alive) very self-centered.
Load More Replies... MR 1 year ago
NTA. Wtf are you teaching your daughter? That the best why to get your attention is to constantly get yourself in trouble and nearly kill yourself through poor behavior? Your son made his choices. Tragic, yes. But enabling him by constantly running to his "aid" because he keeps making bad decisions doesn't help him in any way. He needs to hit rock bottom and the only way to do that is ending up alone. Focus on making up for lost time with your daughter because if you keep going this route, she'll go NC with you. And rightfully so.
Elio 1 year ago
Sounds like a sucky situation, but the dad was right for prioritizing the Jess' graduation. It sounds like Jake wasn't in immediate danger and he had people who could help him. My family history is full of addiction problems and mental illness, so I do sympathize. But you can't keep putting the person with the addiction problem ahead of everyone else. It sucks when there's a relapse, but not every relapse Jake has is going to be an epic emergency. Just because Jess is doing ok, doesn't mean she doesn't need her parents to be around for her milestones. I will say that the people who bring up the timing of Jake's relapse may have a point. It may be a coincidence, but it may not. Some addicts in my family would do stuff like that. Some don't. It depends.
Kate Johnson 1 year ago
I think it's likely the daughter will be done with the mom after this. After all, how many times can someone deprioritize you and basically tell you that you're "not important" before you just quit trying with them at all.
Load More Replies... fu yu 1 year ago
The mother is a fool and the son is an a*****e. Of all the days he decided to shoot up and OD was the day his sister was graduating. The father is the only practical one in the bunch--let the d**g addict stew in his own juices for a few hours in the incident HE made.
Jessica Olson 1 year ago
Yes these parents are on the short path of ending up with only one child, that's addicted and their healthy child's going to go her separate way.
Load More Replies... dayngerkat 1 year ago
NTA. It was good that they each were there for one of their kids. Daughter would've been crushed if both weren't there. Mother is enabling son. All should be in family therapy
Papa 1 year ago
The only mistake OP made was sleeping on the couch when his wife was upset with him. If she was mad and didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him she could have slept on the couch.
AngelWingsYT 1 year ago
Right. She punishes him for trying to be there for the kids SHE neglects? Hope she likes a NC daughter
Load More Replies... Joanne Kaiser 1 year ago
I am in favor of the Father’s decision. I realize in the heat of the highly emotional moment it’s hard to be rational. Obviously, since the mother made the celebratory dinner, the son’s matter could have been addressed after graduation and maybe between that and the dinner. The mother ruined a lifelong memory for her and her daughter for what appeared to be not as much of an emergency as explained. Forgetting you have other children seems to be a common problem. My extended family is just now dealing with making the same kind of choices. The child with the problem comes first, dropping everything and everyone else. Only to do it again 1-2 weeks later.
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