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Bringing a child into this world is one of the biggest decisions we can make. However, due to things like societal pressure and media romanticization, some people do it without fully understanding the effect it will have on their life.
So in an attempt to figure out what gets overlooked, Reddit user Baby_noodles4u made a post on the platform, inviting women who regret giving birth to share what causes them to feel this way.
Immediately, moms started sharing their personal stories, talking about everything from body changes to abusive relationships and money problems. Their genuine replies made this thread a must-read for everyone planning a family.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Being made into a walking incubator who must adhere to strict guidelines of how and what to eat and drink, must not have this, or that. How dare I loose weight! Every thing I did second guessed, but when I went for help because of leg swelling, dismissed like it was no big deal (I was in pre-E at the time and the doc refused to see it). Having to have my pelvis reconstructed after walking around for years with my organs barely inside of me and told that there was nothing they would do until I was nearly 40 because "I might have more kids" and the fix they did do in my 20's didn't fix sh*t. Pain in sex. Being jabbed with chemicals just as the child is birthing because it's "standard of care." Being told that I didn't know anything about pregnancy and childbirth and that I wasn't in labour (and yet, had the kid less than 3 hrs later). Being treated as a third class citizen because "we want a healthy baby" but not a healthy mother AND child. Knowing that my worth to not only my family of origin, but to his family, was the crotch drops I made, and that I had no value or worth. Learning that I was expendable. That I didn't have kids, I was not a real woman anyway. That as a teen mother, it was assumed I dropped out of high school. That, also as a teen mother, having a stillbirth meant no sympathy other than "at least you're not a teen mother!" Knowing full well that child services will be used like a hammer against you if you don't parent the way others see fit.
Gez... society as a whole really firetrucks with a woman of childbearing age.
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 2 years ago
Omg. You're the first one, other than myself, who has acknowledged CFS, the arrogance and ignorance, and the age discrimination that goes on. I'm sorry for your loss. I believe you would have been a great, caring mother, and still will be if you ever have another. But it's totally understandable if you would never want to go through with it. Even though mine survived, my experience with dealing with the doctors, nurses, ob-gyns and social workers, was very similar to yours. It didn't let up after she was born, and I still endured the discrimination, judgement and snide remarks to this day. Even though my daughter is a shining light in my life, I don't ever want another baby just from the treatment I had to endure.
To learn more about the challenges women face after giving birth, we contacted writer, director, broadcaster, and founder of the award-winning parenting blog Honest Mum, Vicki Broadbent.
"Often it's a hormonal pull: a broodiness that overrides logic in some cases," author of Mumboss (UK) and The Working Mom (the US and Canada), told Bored Panda. "The desire to procreate feels natural for many. We look at screaming babies and kid ourselves (pun intended) that our own future children won't behave like that. The future of the human race depends on this foolishness. I've always personally felt maternal, even as a child, enjoying caring and teaching others, and I desperately wanted to become a mother. It was a life goal for me and I feel lucky to have achieved it."
However, it was only after Broadbent had her own children that she fully understood "how short the short straw is for mothers in the workplace and society as a whole; how high childcare costs are and how deeply careers can be impacted by having babies."
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#2
I wasn’t prepared to almost die, lose my uterus, or raise a disabled child. I love my son so much, but damn… I never would have chosen this life for him. For any of us. I feel naive and stupid for ever thinking I was ready for this. For convincing my husband we were ready for this.
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 2 years ago
No one could ever predict the worst outcomes. Please don't be hard on yourself. That would have been such a terrifying experience.
Broadbent, who had her third child a few months ago, was unaware that mothers were not highly respected and how hard it can be to parent day and night.
"Work culture and policy needs to change to support parents more. The cost of house prices and living costs are directly affecting birth rates," she said.
It might seem odd but in 2018, the real estate company Zillow publish a report, saying birth rates were dropping most in US counties with the fastest-appreciating home values.
"Additionally, children were historically brought up in a village community, close to family and friends who could support the new mother and baby. That village concept has disintegrated. Mothers were never meant to raise a child alone or with little support," Broadbent added. "Add a pandemic on top and parenting is certainly not for the faint-hearted."
#3
I regret it only for the world my son is inhereting. This society is a pile of dog poo.
I regret that he will have a hard time, and there is very little I can do to prevent that. I don't regret him, just what he will likely suffer.
Research on the subject remains scarce but we have some data to give us a broader picture. In a 2013 survey conducted by Gallup, Americans above the age of 45 who had children were asked how many they would like to have had if they could do it once again. One of the possible answers was ‘0’, which turned out to be the answer selected by 7% of respondents.
But the situation might be very different depending on where we look. A 2021 study showed that in Poland, this frequency may be as much as 13% of parents between emerging and middle adulthood, that is, one in eight.
"The reality is you can't fully plan for parenthood," Vicki Broadbent said. "So whilst you can prepare yourself somewhat by reading books and blogs, speaking to experts, and watching video content, everyone's experience will be unique to them and down to their own circumstances, just as every child is unique too."
Vicki said you simply learn on the job. "The ambivalence starts on day 1 as birth plans usually go out of the window," she explained.
"The first child is the biggest shock of all as it disrupts your usual way of life and suddenly, you have the weighty responsibility of caring from someone other than yourself. Their needs now come first. Yes, motherhood can be a life-affirming, joyful love-fest where you see the world anew through your child's eyes but it can also be unrelenting, mentally and physically challenging, and exhausting, too. It's a marathon most days when babies are small but you soon find your way." Luckily for Vicki, motherhood is her greatest success of all.
#4
I'll preface this with I love my son with all my heart. I was never prepared for a child with disabilities. We were warned beforehand and we were so sure we'd manage just fine. The part that kills me the most is that my husband deals with it all just fine and I'm a mess. I feel like I was never meant to be a mom, at least to young kids. I have an 18 year old that lives with his father that I've always been able to relate to and have no problems being a part time mom to. Maybe I was just never meant to be a full time parent, which sounds like such bullsh*t to me. I don't know. I'm rambling. I'm lonely
Susie Elle 2 years ago
If men can feel that they're not meant to be fulltime parents, then so can women. Raising a child with disabilities is very hard.
Broadbent thinks women can lay the foundation for their parenting journey by prioritizing their wellbeing — both mental and physical — prior to conception and during pregnancy by taking vitamins, seeking medical advice where needed, being responsive to any changes that require attention, and eating well and exercising.
"Once baby arrives, it's critical to accept any help offered from those you trust and equally reach out for help too," the mom highlighted. "Practically, add pre-cooked meals in the freezer, test and buy items for baby in advance (getting the car seat fitted, testing the pram, etc). Finding just a few minutes of mindfulness using apps like Insight Timer can make a huge difference to your day, especially as you'll be sleep-deprived and hormonal."
"Deep breathing can help alleviate anxiety and will keep you calm when life feels overwhelming," she said. "Curate your social media feeds too and stick with those sharing the realities of motherhood: the good with the bad as I do (at instagram.com/honestmum) so you don't feel pressured to live up to some fake ideal of motherhood. Ditto when it comes to body image, unfollow anyone who might make you feel bad about yourself. My doctor recently told me that after birth, you need piecing back together. This resonated. With a 3-month-old, 9 and 12 year old, I often feel divided into thirds. Luckily my love and theirs have multiplied."
But whatever your situation is, the most important thing is that we’re talking and sharing our experiences.
#5
I love my daughter a lot, she's amazing creative funny and sweet. I wouldn't change her for anything.
But I regret having her with her father, I regret the choice to give her his last name and put him on the birth certificate, I regret that she had to witness me being abused by him and that she is forced to spend time with him due to my poor past choices. And also regret having her at 21 whilst not really young, it was still too young and I missed out on a lot that I'm having to do now like university, having a good relationship, spending time with friends etc. And my body and mind are messed up from having a csection, the anxiety and trauma from a traumatic birth and the postnatal depression.
Also I should of listened to my own mum on all of the above instead of saying "you don't know the love between me and childs dad, you just want to control me" I wish I could go back to the past and listen to every warning.
Poultry Geist 2 years ago
Sort of same situation with me except I was 18 when I had my daughter. I’m 43 now she’s 24 and the freaking coolest ever!! She does not want kids just dogs and I will never pressure her for more! Actually I’m trying to get her to take a cat but besides that she can do what she wants!
#6
When i was pregnant we were told theres a v high chance the baby has down syndrome. I knew someone with ds, functioning adult, worked as a masseur and spoke 2 languages, people with downs are happy and delightful. My son is 19, has severe autism and severe learning disabilities, completely dependent in every way, cant do anything for himself and has to be watched 24/7. We love him wholeheartedly but our lives have always been about him and we have 0 family life. Hes only home because husband is strong enough to change his nappy and when hes 21 and finishes school he has to go in to residential which tears our hearts out because well miss him and he wont understand why hes been left in a strange place and cant be home. What will happen when were not there for him? As much as i adore him with every fibre of my being if Idve known I wouldnt have gone ahead with the pregnancy. Not because of us but for him.
Gaby Almodovar 2 years ago
Doctors doesn't advice to interrupt the pregnancy, when the baby is likely to be born with different kind of disabilities, because they are evil murderers. They do it, because they are aware, how many severe stages of that disability exist, despite the mother knows someone with a lighter one.
#7
Love my son, get on fine with his father. But nearly two decades later I'm still disabled by pregnancy and birth and it's never going to get better. If I had known then what I know now, etc. (I grow tumours when I'm pregnant, among other not-so-fun aspects. If we had realised it's a family tendency I would have stayed childless.)
#8
I love both my sons but if I could do it all again I wouldn't. I got pregnant young and did not know that I would pass my bipolar onto them. They both suffer from really bad depression. Trying to raise them when I was in and out of hospitals was hard and did them a disservice. Now they are grown and they rarely make time for me. Mother's Day and my birthday is a quick text or mention on Facebook. My youngest tells me I'm the only family member that accepts him when he has mental issues but that's the only time I ever hear from him. The oldest is even worse. I cry on a regular basis that I wish they would be closer to me. Long story short I did my best but it didn't matter.
Stephanie IV 2 years ago
This is just life's shitty side. It lurks. It's always there. Do something for yourself. It did matter. You matter. Everything is some kind of intrinsic task to learn from. Your sons manage. You manage. That's a good thing. There's no obligation for a parent to ensure happiness for their kid. Keeping them alive and reasonably healthy is a huge job already. Take off this load and accept that illness isn't your fault. Maybe you'll find a new way to tackle things - and this could be inspiring for your sons. I wish you the best. And luck. You seem overdue for some.
#9
They say the closest thing to the pain is passing a large kidney stone.
I had severe back pains, like someone was stabbing me with a knife viciously. I ended up having a very bad delivery because I got really sick. I had pre-e with hellp syndrome and hydronephrisis. Hellp syndrome is very rare and occurs in 0.016-0.025% of pregnancies so I did not have ab traditional delivery. I had an emergency c-section. The pain in my back was from my liver expanding.
For me giving birth was emotionally scary. When my twins were born, they were pretty much dead and had to be resuscitated. Their initial apgars were 1 and 0. They weren't breathing, they were blue, no pulse, no crying. There's was no happy "it's a boy" with them put on my chest. They were whisked out of the room to be worked on while the sewed me back up. I didn't know for hours I'd they were alive or dead ams I was of odd if myself from getting so sick. They are grade schoolers now and are fine.
Quite honestly, giving birth felt like the most traumatic experience of my life.
Danish Dynomummy 2 years ago
I actually cried a little reading this. But thank God they are ok now.
#10
My wife has this regret after our one and only. Our birth experience was awful and resulted in an emergency cesarean. Our kid wasn't developing properly and was non-verbal for years; later we had them evaluated and it was found they were autistic. Every day for years my wife was stay-at-home with the kid while I was at work. She lost her entire sense of freedom and felt stuck in this position as a parent with nothing else on the horizon.
My wife is a wonderful individual and she does love our kid, and always goes out of her way to make sure our child's needs are met. But for a long time she's hated that she had to do all that work.
Things have improved over the last year or two though. Our child started talking and actually communicating, and actually has intelligent conversations with us about things they want to do and what's happening around them. They have an excellent support system at school, and they actually participate in class and their various therapies. I also now work from home and my wife (FINALLY) got a start to her career as an educator thanks to a wave of openings at our area schools due to early retirements after/during COVID. I now play dual roles of stay-at-home dad and full time engineer at a tech company, and have found my own stride to successfully balance both. My wife has found her freedom again in her new career, and being able to get out of the house daily and interact with other people has really helped her perspective towards being at home and being a mom. The regret is still there, but it is considerably easier to bear now.
#11
I am tied to an abusive man for the next 13 years or until one of us dies.
Not Proud British 2 years ago
No you are not. Having a child does not tie you to a man. You can get out, seek help from one of the many women's charities out there. Yes you may have a rough first year of starting again from scratch, but you will be free from fear. It's scary but the support network out there is brilliant. You won't be alone. What's the worst than can happen if you leave? And what's the worst that can happen if you stay? Please choose the former and get out, create a new life for you and your child. Then come back and let us know how you are doing.
#12
My massive regret is not dealing with my mental health issues before becoming a parent. But I was really young. And much more immature for my age. I had absolutely no clue how hard it would be to raise a child completely alone whilst struggling with your demons. It didn’t even enter my mind. I had pretty bad post natal depression when he was born. And honestly it’s been hard for us both.
I am only just getting proper therapy. But it’ll take a while. I only have one child because I was too scared to think about having another.
Me and my son are close.
We talk openly. I apologise when I need too. And we say I love you constantly.
My advice for anyone who wants children is please if you have any thing in your head that needs healing, do that first.
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 2 years ago
As someone who was too young to set up her own therapy and had a kid young that is now grown, you're doing a better than you're giving yourself credit for. You have that open-door communication, understanding, forgiveness, humility, accountability, acknowledgement, love and affection that children need to learn and experience. You're doing great, mom.
#13
I don’t regret giving birth, but I will absolutely never get pregnant again. My pregnancy was the worst experience I’ve ever had to go through. I practically lived in the hospital with daily IV treatments. I had HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) which causes me to vomit nonstop. I was on a zofran pump and almost put on a feeding tube. I have ptsd from vomiting so much. I would get an abortion if I ever got pregnant again.
#14
My kids have inherited mental issues from both parents. We were young and we didn't know. I just hate to see them suffer.
#15
I feel like it has destroyed my marriage. Both of us have changed since our child was born and I'm afraid the people we've become are not as compatible as the people we used to be. We never talk to each other, we never do anything together, and the very, very infrequent sex is basically her attempt to maintain her ability to claim she makes an effort in our relationship. Any communication that happens between us is about logistics regarding our child. I understand there is a brief period after birth where everyone needs to adjust but it has been over 4 years now.
I love my child more than anyone else on Earth, save for my wife. But I miss having a companion in life. If I had known it would be like this, I don't think I would have made the same decisions.
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 2 years ago
This sounds like you need therapy to learn to communicate and find a way to understand where each other is coming from. First, you need to understand that the effects of childbirth can last for years, perhaps decades. Find some help, but keep wary. Mothers, especially those depicted with "problems" are not listened to well.
#16
I tore forward, ripped my urethra and clitoris. Permanent nerve damage.
Also developed a bunch of autoimmune diseases in my mid 30s, after 4 pregnancies. Leading theory is that micro-chimerism from the stem cells that stay in your body after a pregnancy is a big contributing cause.
Ace Girl 2 years ago (edited)
I'm really thankful for these stories and the brave women (and men!) open to sharing them. Our society thinks birth and motherhood is rainbows and butterflies and if we ban abortion then we can force women to have birth and they will turn into capable happy mothers with capable happy kids. So far from the truth. Birth can be dangerous and damaging even in the best circumstances. Wish I could give all these people a hug!
#17
I love my daughter and wouldn’t trade her for anything in the whole world. I love being a Mom as well.
I regret who I had a child with and how my life was pretty much changed for the worse. I was now tied to my abusive husband and his wacko family.
#18
I would go though it again to get my son but my body isn’t the same. PPD is a wicked witch. I tore and 4 years later I’m still having major issues. My skin down there is thin and if I wipe just a tiny bit too hard I hurt for weeks. It’s terrible. But my son is amazing.
MellonCollie 2 years ago
I think you might want to talk to your gynaecologist of it is that bad down there. And if they do not take you seriously, talk to a different one. I tore as well (many women do), and it was uncomfortable around the perineum for 7 years, until I had another baby, torn again (well, the scar tissue did, obviously) and was sewn back together in a MUCH better way. No more soreness or discomfort again. So I think this is a problem to discuss with your gynaecologist.
#19
While I don't regret having my daughter, I wish I would have spoken up and done things differently. I had a horrible traumatic birthing experience. I went to a large hospital where I was a number not a name and it was awful. I still can't think about it without getting teary eyed.
MellonCollie 2 years ago
The traumatic birthing experiences many women have experienced and are experiencing in hospitals because of how they are treated, really is something that needs to be dealt with fast. This is very bad for mothers and babies alike, and it is horrible it came to this.
#20
I get it. I love my son and I'm glad I chose to have him. But I was not talked to or prepared for the trauma that might happen in birth. They let me sit in labor too long, I developed an Infection that almost killed me and my son. Had to have an emergency c section and he had to be in the NICU......now any time I see a woman going into labor on TV or movies I freak out. I will definitely not have a Second child.
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 2 years ago
I cannot watch "A Baby Story" after I had mine. It gives me too many flashbacks, anxiety and sadness.
#21
I love my boys more than I ever thought I could. However... it's Saturday night and I'm covered in baby vomit with the baby refusing to sleep anywhere else but on me. He will wake about 3 times between now and when the toddler wakes at 6am. I'm carrying 20kg more than I'm comfortable with and have no clothes that fit. I feel guilt for so many choices I make.
There are times I regret having my second baby because it's so hard to juggle the needs of two and still find time for my needs. People tell me it will get easier but for now, I'm hating it.
#22
I have 3 kids and quite frequently wish I had 0. I never wanted kids and knew I wanted more from my life than dirty diapers and minivans. I was ok with the first 2 but the 3rd really made me question everything again. This is not what I want to be doing with my life. I had my kids at such a young age (15, 19, 24 ) that I don't stand a chance at doing anything significant with my life other than saying hey I raised 3 more humans. Your welcome. What an accomplishment.
#23
I was too young to have a kid. I love my kid so much, but both of us suffered because I just wasn’t ready to be a mother. I was extremely immature and irresponsible, and I resented not having a normal teenage experience which very quickly turned into crushing depression and anxiety. Honestly I wish I’d had an abortion and waited until I was older and had my sh*t together to even consider becoming a parent. My kid had to grow up with a parent who wasn’t fully grown up, and that sucks.
Summer Mason 2 years ago
This is why I tell my older ones you don't have sex and expect a toaster. If they knock a girl up, they better be prepared to take care of that child. Needless to say.... no grandkids yet. Hope it stays that way till their ready.
#24
It destroyed my health, but let me be clear, I don’t regret the birth, I regret the choice of doctor. If I had insisted on a C it would have been fine.
Kate Jones 2 years ago
I really hate this idea that you're somehow lazy or bad because you prefer a c-section. There's this push from doctors to do it naturally. Especially with some people talking about how women have done it for thousands of years therefore you should, too. Women died early for thousands of years, too, but we have technology and drugs that can help for an easier time of it. Some women look down on you if you want drugs as if you're hurting your baby and you're selfish. In this day and age, I don't understand the push for mother's to have natural childbirth as if there are no other options. My mother did it natural for my older brother and it caused horrible pain for her and her recovery was twice as long. She had me by c-section and she said she could have 20 if she'd done it that way. She was up and walking by the end of the day after her c-section. I understand there are some benefits of having natural birth but I feel like the cost is too high.
#25
Pre-kids, I was on track for an area manager job. Post-kids, the same company tried to pressure me into taking a demotion far below the level of management I was in. F*ck them. I stopped giving a sh*t about the company I'd given my heart and soul to and walked away. I now have a great career with a company that actually does some good in the world and values children, but it has taken years to actually gain a stable footing on the career ladder again
#26
I don’t regret having my child but I definitely will be having no more - I was 22 had no idea what I was getting myself into or that the after birth would affect me for the rest of my life.
I was 22 that is still young but my body has never been the same or worked the same.
#27
I would have my children again, given the choice. But I wasn’t prepared for the way my career would slow because of them.
It’s the little things like not being able to travel to conferences. Taking more time off than non-parenting peers due to kids being sick. Etc.
Their dad turned out to be a dumpster fire, the judge prohibited him from even seeing one of the kids. So that didn’t help.
I love the kids and have tried to instill good values, and I am just not as high up the corporate ladder as I thought I could achieve.
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 2 years ago
You have to really think what's more important, unapologetically more important. Career or kids. If both are just as important and the company is not fitting your needs, you need a company change or career change. Or be a bit patient because kids are not kids forever.
#28
I would have another baby if it wasn't for birth. Jut give me the baby and none of that painful birth lol
#29
I lost my daughter at 23 weeks to preeclampsia, and had numerous complications including placenta previa with my son but he got here safe and sound via C sections. Call me crazy but I wouldn’t change a thing, the love as well as the pain I bare daily are b/c of my choices and I wouldn’t nor can do anything differently. Speak on it yes but don’t dwell on it IF possible. I am looking forward to baby #3 and mentally prepared for the possible outcomes. For me “it’s better to have loved and loss than to never have loved at all.
Summer Mason 2 years ago
Your daughter and my son are dancing in the heavens. It doesn't matter when you lose them. It'd a horrific loss all the same. Lots of love to you.
#30
If I could have ordered and picked up my daughter at the store then I would have. Maybe chosen the sleeps better add on too.
Pregnancy almost killed me, in several ways hated almost every second of it. My body is still, 2years pp, wrecked. In pain everyday. Will never be the same.
If money was more abundant then I would have another via surrogate but if I could afford that I could afford a nanny/night nurse and private surgery so would have a better time all round. I love my little girl to the ends of the earth and she was worth it but if I had known before then she wouldn't have been - if that makes sense.
What do you think ?
kat lia 2 years ago
I don't judge them but I always believe that if you decided to have a kid, your life will revolve around them, and because of that I also do believe that there is no such thing as a part-time parent especially part-time mom. And that is the reason why I decided not to have kids because I know i cannot give up my me-time, probably I am selfish, I don't like too much responsibility, bringing up a child into this world is an effort, commitment and a big responsibility. There should be an a test imposed to see if you are ready and have the capabilities to become a parent. Like a legal test from the government.
Tracy Sellars 2 years ago
You are not selfish in anyway. You are an extremely responsible adult and there should be more people like you. I am a big believer in what you have said. Too many people take the plunge of having kids without considering the negative aspects, only concentrating on the positive. Unless you are prepared to give your life away and pay hundreds of thousands of dollars don't do it.
Load More Replies...
bv7hearts 2 years ago
I'm 40 and childfree by choice. It's a traumatic experience that I do not want to go through, global overpopulation is already at a scary level, and I know I would not be able to rein my ADHD, anxiety, or depression in enough to be a good mother.
kat lia 2 years ago
I don't judge them but I always believe that if you decided to have a kid, your life will revolve around them, and because of that I also do believe that there is no such thing as a part-time parent especially part-time mom. And that is the reason why I decided not to have kids because I know i cannot give up my me-time, probably I am selfish, I don't like too much responsibility, bringing up a child into this world is an effort, commitment and a big responsibility. There should be an a test imposed to see if you are ready and have the capabilities to become a parent. Like a legal test from the government.
Tracy Sellars 2 years ago
You are not selfish in anyway. You are an extremely responsible adult and there should be more people like you. I am a big believer in what you have said. Too many people take the plunge of having kids without considering the negative aspects, only concentrating on the positive. Unless you are prepared to give your life away and pay hundreds of thousands of dollars don't do it.
Load More Replies... bv7hearts 2 years ago
I'm 40 and childfree by choice. It's a traumatic experience that I do not want to go through, global overpopulation is already at a scary level, and I know I would not be able to rein my ADHD, anxiety, or depression in enough to be a good mother.
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