Dating someone who is not really over their ex can be an exhausting proposition. A divorcé or divorcée can be similar, having gone through an unsuccessful marriage with another person. But all of these are overshadowed by the possibility of dating a person who is still married and has decided to hide it.

A woman wondered if her boyfriend of five years was actually lying about his divorce when she realized that she didn’t actually know that much about him. After sharing the story online, the people of the internet did their best to give her a reality check.

Being cheated on is terrible, but inadvertently helping someone else cheat could be just as bad

Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)

A woman asked the internet for advice when she grew suspicious about her long-term boyfriend’s behavior

Image credits: Anna Urlapova (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Yan Krukau (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Matheus Bertelli (not the actual photo)

Image credits: i_am_01

Image credits: Anastasia Shuraeva (not the actual photo)

There are few cases where cheating is morally acceptable

The OP of this story is in a unique position where both her and her “boyfriend’s” (presumed) wife are being cheated on by the same man. While often the partner in an affair knows that cheating is happening and chooses to deny it, in this case, the man was attempting to have his cake and eat it too. Perhaps this was a tactical choice on his end, as the vast majority of people across history find cheating abhorrent and morally unacceptable. A study of pre-modern legal systems across multiple cultures found that by and large, cheating was considered a worse “crime” than most other relational fouls. Similarly, the cases where it’s “permissible” are few and far between, and one will have to live with the stigma of being a cheater for a long while.

While in the 21st century, it’s rarely illegal to have an affair, the moral blemish on the cheater still remains. And rightly so, infidelity is, obviously, not a victimless crime and it tends to leave the cheated-on partner with lasting trust issues. To be clear, we do not at this moment know the exact situation and how OP reacted to learning the truth. But if her description of Carl’s behavior is correct, there are so many questions left unanswered that only make sense if he is trying to keep something hidden. Even if it’s not infidelity, OP has to face the reality that she will never get emotional availability from this man.

OP notes that in five years, she has never visited his home nor even knows where he lives. This defies all logic, but we have no other information so we have to accept it at face value. Similarly, she states that he has her blocked on all social media, which is very, very bizarre. How exactly can one explain to a long-term partner that they are going to block them on all socials without having something to hide? There are people who don’t block their most hated-ex’s, and this man, apparently, does it to his current girlfriend.

Image credits: Mental Health America (not the actual photo)

Carl’s behavior is deeply strange and raises questions about OP’s own judgment

While OP is correct to be suspicious, the timing of her questions leaves a lot to be desired. Why does she have zero answers to all the questions five years into a relationship? Why hasn’t she googled him a single time? Why doesn’t she know anyone else who also knows him? Why hasn’t she met his daughter? As readers, we also wonder why she didn’t leave this useless man who couldn’t come to a funeral or even visit her in the hospital. While we learn almost nothing about his personality, we have to conclude that he isn’t some hyper-private person, as he seems ok hanging out with his ex-wife.

Assuming OP is telling the truth, there are enough reasons to break up with this man even if he is not cheating. Every relationship is different, but he very clearly values his own time more than his long-term girlfriend. The fact that, from beginning to end, he only wanted to see her on Tuesdays. Regardless of how he felt about her, she will, it seems, always be his “Tuesday woman.” Again, relationships are as different as snowflakes, but it seems only logical that if you find yourself liking or falling for someone, you would want to spend more time with them, not keep it at one day a week.

At the end of her story, OP says she has never even spent the night with him, meaning that he has some reason to be in a different bed each night. Even if he is not cheating and just wants to be alone, it’s hard to reconcile him being a good partner while being physically and emotionally unavailable for long stretches of time. While we don’t have good details, it appears that OP’s relationship with this man has been similar, start to finish, a night a week, with no details. Some people are deeply introverted and prefer to be alone, but Carl appears to be ok spending time with his ex-wife, just not OP. Even the purest, least skeptical person on the planet would have to see that something is up. Fortunately, the collective minds of the internet did their best to show her the error of her ways.

Readers did their best to make OP see reality

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