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12 Years Down The Drain: Guy Finally Decides To Propose When He’s Ready, GF Says ‘No’
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12 Years Down The Drain: Guy Finally Decides To Propose When He’s Ready, GF Says ‘No’

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There are certain expectations that come with being in a romantic relationship. The specifics might vary from couple to couple, but it’s vital that both partners are on the same page. And you can’t get there without good communication and constant transparency.

One anonymous man asked the internet for help, asking for some clarity after his girlfriend of 12 years rejected his proposal. This led to a lot of very honest and blunt comments from the ‘Relationship Advice’ online community.

Scroll down for the full story, including an update after the author spoke with his girlfriend. Bored Panda has reached out to the author for further comment, and we’ll update the article once we hear back from him.

Getting engaged is a magical moment that many couples genuinely look forward to. A major worry is that your partner might say ‘no’

Image credits: GeorgeRudy (not the actual photo)

One man desperately asked the internet for advice after his girlfriend, who he’s been dating for over a decade, rejected his proposal

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Image credits: Zinkevych_D (not the actual photo)

Image credits: throwra558800

Some people might wonder whether a couple is truly committed if they don’t live together after so many years of dating

It’s impossible to know everything about a person’s relationship based on a couple of anonymous internet posts and a handful of comments. What’s more, there’s the other partner’s perspective to consider, which is presented through someone else’s filter. In this day and age, it’s far too easy to instantly discount someone or immediately judge them.

With that being said, there are still some nuances and potential red flags that you can pick up on that make you wonder about how (un)healthy the relationship might be.

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For instance, it is rather unusual for a couple that has been dating for years and years not to live together. Sure, it happens. But it is quite rare, all things considered. In some cases, living separately might be practical for some couples and match their dynamic; they make it work. However, from an outsider’s perspective, it might raise some eyebrows about how committed both partners might be to each other.

Another potential issue is that the author of the post and his girlfriend don’t appear to have talked about married life much since the start of their relationship. This is worrying, to put it lightly.

Different couples are bound to have different life goals and expectations. It’s healthy to open up about them, get on the same page, and see what (doesn’t) match up

Moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, buying a home of your own, investing in a family car, getting pets, etc.—even in this day and age, many people have these ‘socially acceptable’ expectations when they hear about family life. Of course, not everyone wants this.

And there are many exceptions. Someone might choose to get married but may not want to have children. Someone else may want kids but may not see the point in marriage. Meanwhile, some couples decide to become pet parents.

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But it is incredibly important that you’re open about your expectations with your partner ASAP and that you’re both on the same page going forward. There are some major life decisions that are hard (if not impossible) to compromise on.

For instance, if you want children but your partner is absolutely against this, then no matter how much you love each other, it may be best for you to go your separate ways. You might feel frustrated if you keep waiting for them to change their mind. Meanwhile, a person who feels forced into a lifestyle they fundamentally don’t want might end up resenting their partner.

The same need for transparency applies to questions like whether you and your partner want to get married, how soon you might want to get engaged, where you want to live (city vs suburbs vs countryside), what your parenting styles are going to be, what your career goals are, and what your philosophy on spending, saving, and investing is.

You even need to consider very down-to-earth things like how you’ll split the housework in a way that seems fair to everyone.

Honesty is fundamental to happy and healthy relationships. Without it, the future looks wobbly

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Naturally, it’s all heavy, emotional stuff. Not quite something that you’d discuss on the first date! However, these are all topics that you’ll eventually need to tackle. Nobody wants to feel like they’ve wasted years of their time with someone whose vision of the future is completely at odds with theirs.

Communication. Openness. Authenticity. Active listening. It takes a lot of courage to be honest with yourself about what you want from life.

It takes even more to be honest with your partner, knowing that they might have different goals. We all have our boundaries and it’s up to us to decide how much we’re willing to compromise without feeling like we’ve betrayed our authentic selves.

But what do you think, dear Pandas? What are your thoughts on the relationship dynamic between the author and his girlfriend? What advice would you give both of them if you were in the same room? Do you think there’s such a thing as being ‘too late’ with a proposal?

How do you ensure that you and your partner are always on the same page regarding the most important questions? We’d really like to hear your thoughts on this complicated situation, so be sure to share yours in the comments.

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Here’s how some internet users reacted after reading the viral post. They didn’t shy away from being critical

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The author then updated his readers after he had an honest heart-to-heart with his partner about their future

Image credits: nikki_meel (not the actual photo)

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Image credits: throwra2288002

People were very direct with their comments. Here’s how they reacted to the update

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Thanks! Check out the results:

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Jonas Grinevičius

Jonas Grinevičius

Writer, BoredPanda staff

Read more »

Storytelling, journalism, and art are a core part of who I am. I've been writing and drawing ever since I could walk—there is nothing else I'd rather do. My formal education, however, is focused on politics, philosophy, and economics because I've always been curious about the gap between the ideal and the real. At work, I'm a Senior Writer and I cover a broad range of topics that I'm passionate about: from psychology and changes in work culture to healthy living, relationships, and design. In my spare time, I'm an avid hiker and reader, enjoy writing short stories, and love to doodle. I thrive when I'm outdoors, going on small adventures in nature. However, you can also find me enjoying a big mug of coffee with a good book (or ten) and entertaining friends with fantasy tabletop games and sci-fi movies.

Read less »
Jonas Grinevičius

Jonas Grinevičius

Writer, BoredPanda staff

Storytelling, journalism, and art are a core part of who I am. I've been writing and drawing ever since I could walk—there is nothing else I'd rather do. My formal education, however, is focused on politics, philosophy, and economics because I've always been curious about the gap between the ideal and the real. At work, I'm a Senior Writer and I cover a broad range of topics that I'm passionate about: from psychology and changes in work culture to healthy living, relationships, and design. In my spare time, I'm an avid hiker and reader, enjoy writing short stories, and love to doodle. I thrive when I'm outdoors, going on small adventures in nature. However, you can also find me enjoying a big mug of coffee with a good book (or ten) and entertaining friends with fantasy tabletop games and sci-fi movies.

Justinas Keturka

Justinas Keturka

Author, BoredPanda staff

Read more »

I'm the Visual Editor at Bored Panda, responsible for ensuring that everything our audience sees is top-notch and well-researched. What I love most about my job? Discovering new things about the world and immersing myself in exceptional photography and art.

Read less »

Justinas Keturka

Justinas Keturka

Author, BoredPanda staff

I'm the Visual Editor at Bored Panda, responsible for ensuring that everything our audience sees is top-notch and well-researched. What I love most about my job? Discovering new things about the world and immersing myself in exceptional photography and art.

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Caro Caro
Community Member
2 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wise woman. He took so long to propose (she could have proposed too btw) but found out that her life was nice and just the way she wanted it.

Ms.GB
Community Member
2 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Honestly it doesn't sound bad. It's like having the good parts of the relationship and your own personal space that you don't have to share. Only problem is shuffling the poor kid back and forth. They should get a condo and each have their own space.

Load More Replies...
Kari Panda
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They should not bring a child into this weird situation.

Trent Wisler
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah, if she things marriage will change up her life too much, what will a kid do to it?

Load More Replies...
Nemo
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He: I want this. She: I want that. He: sück it up, Buttercup. She sucks it up and learns to love this. He changed his mind and wants that too. He finds out that she does this and doesn't want that anymore. He goes shocked Pikachu

FreeTheUnicorn
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This was the best outcome. You two have to have an actual conversation about what you want now, even if that isn't what you wanted years ago. Sometimes people want different things, and the relationship has to end, but that doesn't mean it was a failure or waste of time. When it was what you both wanted, it was great. When you're no longer wanting the same things, it's time to part ways.

Katiekat
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Living apart together is becoming more common, and I am all for it. I speak as an older woman who was married twice, and who lived with both husbands. I'm widowed now, and would only have a living apart together relationship. It's where we choose each other, and there is love, monogamy, and togetherness... but we have our own places to go back to, just like we like them. As an introvert, this would suit me down to the ground. I don't want to cook, clean, or caregive for a man. I want a true adult who can keep his own place tidy, feed himself, and who also needs time alone and quiet every day.

Sunny Day
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They need to buy a duplex so they can each have their own space, but be together for the kids.

tori Ohno
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Maybe this is why they used to marry women off the moment they graduated? They had no time to develop as mature, independent women, and were left with being reliant on a man. She discovered that she enjoys her life the way it is. Good for her.

Weasel Wise
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"I neglected my partner and never communicated. Now, I just realized how much she doesn't need me and how independent of me she has grown due to a decade of being brushed aside! What do I do with the mess I made?! " Well, best of luck buddy, cuz she's been mentally single for a long time now.

Pittsburgh rare
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why settle? And that goes to both sides. I can't imagine spending years with someone who really doesn't want to commit and inversely, live a separate life with someone who doesn't want to share more than the bare minimum. That's a whole a*s decade wasted

Loreta
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Maybe that age old thing of I've invested so much time already so I must stay because it's terrifying thinking of a life without you

Load More Replies...
Eroe Infinito
Community Member
2 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I finally get to use one of these..... "ESH." He sucks for putting her down so often in the beginning. And she sucks for letting him grow emotionally knowing full well she gave up emotionally 10 years ago. I don't know what I would do personally though. Probably cry myself to sleep for 5 years but let her go to save me crying myself to sleep every night having kids with a "husk."

Susie Elle
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Right? Such a weird thing to not point out, how she's apparrently checked out years ago and doesn't really care anymore, like bro you could've left?

Load More Replies...
Alexandra Nara
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

maybe he already felt,she is slipping out of his hands and this caused the proposal. Maybe there are even more problems, that needed to be comminucated and solved before.

R Dennis
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My (now) wife and I were together for almost 10 years before we got married. I had told her I had never seen a happy/successful marriage and that the actions every day were what mattered. We bought a house, I helped raise my three stepkids, I was 100% in, but didn't want to get married. About 10 years on, I had a change of heart and we got married. It might have taken a long time to get there, and there have been struggles, but we were both committed. Today is our 25th anniversary.

Allura Smith
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She agrees to marry you, but not live with you even when you have kids— the biggest, most reddest flag ever

RP
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Honestly, her approach to having a family sounds very sensible. I bet it would be a lot happier and more stable for the child to have two fulfilled adults who get along and can manage their own time, chores, and finances than the mess so many other people are in

El Dee
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why are any of us 'waiting for him to propose'? If you want to marry, ask your partner. If you don't want to, then that's cool. No one should expect either party to do (or not do) something they don't want..

Wheeskers
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

We've been together for 32 years, married for 7. We're best friends and everything else.

Sarah Jones
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There’s nothing wrong with a couple living separately, choosing not to get married and/or not to have children, all those things are fine if it’s what they both want. But to go from not discussing these things at all for years, to proposing….what did he expect?

Gwyn
Community Member
2 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Perhaps she's seen all her friends get married and how as women they usually have to take on more of the burden and so she's not interested anymore. If he accepts her proposal she doesn't have to take care of his chores and he has to share child care 50/50. Sounds like a win. If young men don't get on board with equal efforts in a relationship then forte families will look like this. Women don't have time to deal with that anymore. I've noticed most men who are responsible and do their share don't have issues getting women to accept their proposals.

RAM31280
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Her desires are a little unusual, I get wanting your own space, but are separate bedrooms in the same house not an option?

Kit Black
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

End it. She's completely over you, but knows you well enough to feel safe having a child with you. After the baby arrives and you make all of your legal arrangements for child support and how this is going to go... you'll be single.

RP
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But he'll have a child and an amicable relationship with the mother. That's better than what many people have.

Load More Replies...
Juanita Sullivan
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Two things I see here; she is very independent which I get as I am too. He waited too long. If I were him, I would move on. The arrangement she wants that might include a child doesn't give a child a sense of family. I made the mistake of getting married too young because my generation (Boomer) expected it. I later realized I wasn't wired for marriage. Not everyone is. After my divorce I have not dated because I love my space and independence and don't want someone coming to my door for whatever reason because he thinks he can. I think the woman in this case should have cut this man loose years ago. Seems to me she stayed the course because it was convenient for her. Granted they should have talked a lot sooner about what her plans for the future were as well as his. He needs to move on.

Christopher Parkins
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He didn't wait too long. He wasn't ready. She was ready before. She's not ready now. He's not at fault neither is she.

Load More Replies...
Damned_Cat
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As someone with a lot of life experience to look back on, the woman is making the right choice. A marriage is easy to get into, but can be a nightmare to get out of especially if you have kids. Besides, this relationship doesn't seem to be offering her anything she can't live without.

weatherwitch
Community Member
1 week ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Very few noticed he's virtually living at her place as he sleeps there almost all of the time. She gets a break when he goes home. Not everyone wants to live together. The arrangement she's had to adapt to works extremely well. Bringing a child into this wouldn't be good for the child but this numbskull thought 12 years would be perfect. She's settled for too little, wasted her years on him. Ditch him and move on.

Caring Panda
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Knew a couple. Met in high school and he finally proposed when they turned 40. They too weren't living together. Got married and had their family.

toxxic
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sometimes people just don't get married for over a decade. It happens. But those people also usually talk about it lol.

Jenny Mason
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've been with my partner for the last 30 years, we are not married and have only lived together since 2006, we also have a 27-year-old son together. The situation he has described can work for some people but it isn't easy.

Eduarda Vaz-Mourao
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Reminds me the movie “When Harry met Sally”. Her long term boyfriend was against Mariage. They break up. Fast forward a couple of years, she hers he’s getting married. She calls a friend cries a lot. And then she says He was against marriage! No… he was against marriage with ME. (Great movie, btw…)

Tara De Palma
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's their relationship and obviously they both are responsible for it. I think they can handle it.

Mark Childers
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Serves him right. I would have felt less of her had she done anything differently, although for her own sake, she should have left long ago.

brittany
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

she said good bye to a more traditional or common route a long time ago and made peace with it.

spjhnx52pq
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What men fail to understand is that a lot of the time a young woman in a relationship usually starts to get questions especially from family members and friends about the man they are with. Usually when a woman finally gets the courage to talk to her boyfriend about when he wants for the future and if he wants to get married to her, she’s usually had about 10 or so occasions to bring it up and didn’t, she overthought and then consistently had to placate herself for not being with a man who sees a future with her enough to take initiative and propose. IMHO she is with him because she undervalues herself, he dragged things out and didn’t propose to her at the right time because he over values himself. Please don’t have children people, just move on to people who want what you want.

Christopher Parkins
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just because he wasn't ready, doesn't mean he dragged things out. Things aren't just based on the females desires. Sometimes things just don't work out

Load More Replies...
moggie63
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP has strung the woman along for years and it seems she's basically not really bothered either way. Leave and let her find somebody else.

spjhnx52pq
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP is too funny complaining about how he doesn’t know what to expect regarding their future. My guy: how do you think she felt when she wanted a progression of the relationship and you didn’t reciprocate? How do you think she felt when you told her, like the coward you are, “I’m not ready, I don’t know what I want yet”. You made your weird bed now sleep in it. Just please don’t bring a child into this messed up ridiculous quasi friendship with benefits that you two have created.

Caro Caro
Community Member
2 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wise woman. He took so long to propose (she could have proposed too btw) but found out that her life was nice and just the way she wanted it.

Ms.GB
Community Member
2 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Honestly it doesn't sound bad. It's like having the good parts of the relationship and your own personal space that you don't have to share. Only problem is shuffling the poor kid back and forth. They should get a condo and each have their own space.

Load More Replies...
Kari Panda
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They should not bring a child into this weird situation.

Trent Wisler
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah, if she things marriage will change up her life too much, what will a kid do to it?

Load More Replies...
Nemo
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He: I want this. She: I want that. He: sück it up, Buttercup. She sucks it up and learns to love this. He changed his mind and wants that too. He finds out that she does this and doesn't want that anymore. He goes shocked Pikachu

FreeTheUnicorn
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This was the best outcome. You two have to have an actual conversation about what you want now, even if that isn't what you wanted years ago. Sometimes people want different things, and the relationship has to end, but that doesn't mean it was a failure or waste of time. When it was what you both wanted, it was great. When you're no longer wanting the same things, it's time to part ways.

Katiekat
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Living apart together is becoming more common, and I am all for it. I speak as an older woman who was married twice, and who lived with both husbands. I'm widowed now, and would only have a living apart together relationship. It's where we choose each other, and there is love, monogamy, and togetherness... but we have our own places to go back to, just like we like them. As an introvert, this would suit me down to the ground. I don't want to cook, clean, or caregive for a man. I want a true adult who can keep his own place tidy, feed himself, and who also needs time alone and quiet every day.

Sunny Day
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They need to buy a duplex so they can each have their own space, but be together for the kids.

tori Ohno
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Maybe this is why they used to marry women off the moment they graduated? They had no time to develop as mature, independent women, and were left with being reliant on a man. She discovered that she enjoys her life the way it is. Good for her.

Weasel Wise
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"I neglected my partner and never communicated. Now, I just realized how much she doesn't need me and how independent of me she has grown due to a decade of being brushed aside! What do I do with the mess I made?! " Well, best of luck buddy, cuz she's been mentally single for a long time now.

Pittsburgh rare
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why settle? And that goes to both sides. I can't imagine spending years with someone who really doesn't want to commit and inversely, live a separate life with someone who doesn't want to share more than the bare minimum. That's a whole a*s decade wasted

Loreta
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Maybe that age old thing of I've invested so much time already so I must stay because it's terrifying thinking of a life without you

Load More Replies...
Eroe Infinito
Community Member
2 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I finally get to use one of these..... "ESH." He sucks for putting her down so often in the beginning. And she sucks for letting him grow emotionally knowing full well she gave up emotionally 10 years ago. I don't know what I would do personally though. Probably cry myself to sleep for 5 years but let her go to save me crying myself to sleep every night having kids with a "husk."

Susie Elle
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Right? Such a weird thing to not point out, how she's apparrently checked out years ago and doesn't really care anymore, like bro you could've left?

Load More Replies...
Alexandra Nara
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

maybe he already felt,she is slipping out of his hands and this caused the proposal. Maybe there are even more problems, that needed to be comminucated and solved before.

R Dennis
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My (now) wife and I were together for almost 10 years before we got married. I had told her I had never seen a happy/successful marriage and that the actions every day were what mattered. We bought a house, I helped raise my three stepkids, I was 100% in, but didn't want to get married. About 10 years on, I had a change of heart and we got married. It might have taken a long time to get there, and there have been struggles, but we were both committed. Today is our 25th anniversary.

Allura Smith
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She agrees to marry you, but not live with you even when you have kids— the biggest, most reddest flag ever

RP
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Honestly, her approach to having a family sounds very sensible. I bet it would be a lot happier and more stable for the child to have two fulfilled adults who get along and can manage their own time, chores, and finances than the mess so many other people are in

El Dee
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why are any of us 'waiting for him to propose'? If you want to marry, ask your partner. If you don't want to, then that's cool. No one should expect either party to do (or not do) something they don't want..

Wheeskers
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

We've been together for 32 years, married for 7. We're best friends and everything else.

Sarah Jones
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There’s nothing wrong with a couple living separately, choosing not to get married and/or not to have children, all those things are fine if it’s what they both want. But to go from not discussing these things at all for years, to proposing….what did he expect?

Gwyn
Community Member
2 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Perhaps she's seen all her friends get married and how as women they usually have to take on more of the burden and so she's not interested anymore. If he accepts her proposal she doesn't have to take care of his chores and he has to share child care 50/50. Sounds like a win. If young men don't get on board with equal efforts in a relationship then forte families will look like this. Women don't have time to deal with that anymore. I've noticed most men who are responsible and do their share don't have issues getting women to accept their proposals.

RAM31280
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Her desires are a little unusual, I get wanting your own space, but are separate bedrooms in the same house not an option?

Kit Black
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

End it. She's completely over you, but knows you well enough to feel safe having a child with you. After the baby arrives and you make all of your legal arrangements for child support and how this is going to go... you'll be single.

RP
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But he'll have a child and an amicable relationship with the mother. That's better than what many people have.

Load More Replies...
Juanita Sullivan
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Two things I see here; she is very independent which I get as I am too. He waited too long. If I were him, I would move on. The arrangement she wants that might include a child doesn't give a child a sense of family. I made the mistake of getting married too young because my generation (Boomer) expected it. I later realized I wasn't wired for marriage. Not everyone is. After my divorce I have not dated because I love my space and independence and don't want someone coming to my door for whatever reason because he thinks he can. I think the woman in this case should have cut this man loose years ago. Seems to me she stayed the course because it was convenient for her. Granted they should have talked a lot sooner about what her plans for the future were as well as his. He needs to move on.

Christopher Parkins
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He didn't wait too long. He wasn't ready. She was ready before. She's not ready now. He's not at fault neither is she.

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Damned_Cat
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As someone with a lot of life experience to look back on, the woman is making the right choice. A marriage is easy to get into, but can be a nightmare to get out of especially if you have kids. Besides, this relationship doesn't seem to be offering her anything she can't live without.

weatherwitch
Community Member
1 week ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Very few noticed he's virtually living at her place as he sleeps there almost all of the time. She gets a break when he goes home. Not everyone wants to live together. The arrangement she's had to adapt to works extremely well. Bringing a child into this wouldn't be good for the child but this numbskull thought 12 years would be perfect. She's settled for too little, wasted her years on him. Ditch him and move on.

Caring Panda
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Knew a couple. Met in high school and he finally proposed when they turned 40. They too weren't living together. Got married and had their family.

toxxic
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sometimes people just don't get married for over a decade. It happens. But those people also usually talk about it lol.

Jenny Mason
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've been with my partner for the last 30 years, we are not married and have only lived together since 2006, we also have a 27-year-old son together. The situation he has described can work for some people but it isn't easy.

Eduarda Vaz-Mourao
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Reminds me the movie “When Harry met Sally”. Her long term boyfriend was against Mariage. They break up. Fast forward a couple of years, she hers he’s getting married. She calls a friend cries a lot. And then she says He was against marriage! No… he was against marriage with ME. (Great movie, btw…)

Tara De Palma
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's their relationship and obviously they both are responsible for it. I think they can handle it.

Mark Childers
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Serves him right. I would have felt less of her had she done anything differently, although for her own sake, she should have left long ago.

brittany
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

she said good bye to a more traditional or common route a long time ago and made peace with it.

spjhnx52pq
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What men fail to understand is that a lot of the time a young woman in a relationship usually starts to get questions especially from family members and friends about the man they are with. Usually when a woman finally gets the courage to talk to her boyfriend about when he wants for the future and if he wants to get married to her, she’s usually had about 10 or so occasions to bring it up and didn’t, she overthought and then consistently had to placate herself for not being with a man who sees a future with her enough to take initiative and propose. IMHO she is with him because she undervalues herself, he dragged things out and didn’t propose to her at the right time because he over values himself. Please don’t have children people, just move on to people who want what you want.

Christopher Parkins
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just because he wasn't ready, doesn't mean he dragged things out. Things aren't just based on the females desires. Sometimes things just don't work out

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moggie63
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP has strung the woman along for years and it seems she's basically not really bothered either way. Leave and let her find somebody else.

spjhnx52pq
Community Member
2 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP is too funny complaining about how he doesn’t know what to expect regarding their future. My guy: how do you think she felt when she wanted a progression of the relationship and you didn’t reciprocate? How do you think she felt when you told her, like the coward you are, “I’m not ready, I don’t know what I want yet”. You made your weird bed now sleep in it. Just please don’t bring a child into this messed up ridiculous quasi friendship with benefits that you two have created.

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