While it’s important to keep relationships fun and exciting, some things between partners are better kept serious. Not all areas of life are on the table when it comes to joking, and even when you think you know your significant other well, teasing can still sometimes feel hurtful, hindering the relationship as a result. 

For a while, this woman had an issue with her boyfriend constantly pulling pranks, but she kept giving him chances for his other redeeming qualities. That is, until he went completely too far and faked a proposal, sending her running for the hills.

Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with Layne Baker, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist in private practice, and relationship expert Laurel House, who kindly agreed to tell us more about taking jokes too far in relationships.

Some things are better kept serious in a relationship

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However, this guy didn’t get the memo with his constant pranks, which resulted in him getting dumped and humiliated

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Humor is the secret ingredient to a successful and long-lasting relationship

Numerous studies have long proved that humor is the secret ingredient to a successful and long-lasting relationship. “Humor is pretty crucial to successful and long-lasting relationships for a couple of reasons,” agrees Layne Baker, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist in private practice. 

“First, it contributes to playfulness, which creates a deeper connection and an unshakeable bond between partners,” she says.

“Second, humor, when applied to the bigger picture of our lives and relationships, can help us respond and healthily cope with setbacks, conflict, and disappointment. Within a relationship, that means being able to bring ease and levity to a situation that would otherwise incite a serious rupture between partners. Think, using humor together to laugh at a big miscommunication between you and your partner (“Look at how WE really mucked this one up, eh?”),” explains Baker.

Those couples who can laugh together are generally more satisfied with their relationship, are more likely to engage in healthy and direct communication, and are better listeners. However, the keywords here are ‘laughing together.’ “It’s essential that your personalities and senses of humor mesh, or you or they might take offense, get defensive, feel hurt, or shut down,” notes relationship expert Laurel House.

Shared laughter is more about enjoying something you both find funny and less about one being a jokester and the other feeling belittled, ridiculed, or hurt. What adds to relationship satisfaction is couples creating humor together, not mockingly making fun of each other. 

“Joking or teasing is NOT the same thing as humor because they often play out at the expense of one person, making the experience of the joke incredibly one-sided (which leads to bullying),” says Baker. “What is “funny” to the teaser might be quite harmful to the one being teased, especially if it pokes at insecurities or other tender spots in a person or relationship.”

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It’s important to keep teasing and joking positive in a relationship

If a person starts sensing that teasing or joking is starting to hurt the relationship, Baker recommends checking in. “First with yourself, then with your partner. This is especially true if something started out feeling fairly okay, like occasional jokes or teasing, but over time has started to negatively impact your mental wellness and relationship health,” she says.

“If you’re the partner who is being teased, ask yourself, “When did this stop feeling okay or fun for me?” and bring that awareness to your partner, letting them know that the jokes have turned hurtful and you’d like to find other ways to be playful with each other. If you’re the partner who is teasing/joking and you notice your partner pulling away, shutting down or straight-up telling you the joke was hurtful, be responsive to those cues with love and respect. Just because a joke played well before doesn’t mean it still does, and you have to be willing to check yourself if the teasing/joking has gone haywire and is hurting your relationship,” Baker further explained.

However, all of this is not to say that teasing or joking can’t be beneficial to partners. “While positivity is important, joking can also create opportunities to gently call out areas that you might like to see improvement or change. And while having a conversation about areas of friction or frustration is important in a relationship, it’s essential to maintain your love and respect for each other. Joking helps you to softly bring up the hard stuff, creating an opportunity to then later go deeper if necessary,” says House.

But for the most part, it’s better to keep humor positive in a relationship and communicate about it. “Everyone is different in their capacity to receive joking or teasing, so it’s important to talk with your partner and find out if jokes and teasing are their jam and to what degree keeps things in the playful zone for both of you—this is what helps create a positive experience. Also, establish how you will signal to each other if a joke doesn’t land or turns sour (short, verbal cues work great for this—even something as simple as “nope, not into it.”),” advises Baker.

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