It’s no big secret that infidelity is the ultimate relationship killer. A lack of emotional/sexual connection, anger or revenge, commitment issues, or love burnout – whatever it is, finding out that your once beloved partner had a fling on the side is always devastating.

Chances are, you will feel a ton of emotions that will, frankly, hit you like a thousand bricks – however, it’s vital not to repress them. Speak to your close ones, ring your therapist, or, as in this case, rant to a bunch of netizens.

Now, the fact that Reddit is a tremendously diversified website where you can discover just about anything on any subject under the sun shouldn’t come as a surprise. It’s home to 3.5+ million subreddits, and guess what – there’s a place where you can vent too, be it about your partner’s unfaithfulness or anything else. A community called r/TrueOffMyChest offers folks a platform to unburden themselves without fearing judgment and perhaps any unsolicited opinions.

More info: Reddit | The Gottman Institute | Sara Povey

You know what they say: “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”

Image credits: Anastasia Pavlenko (not the actual photo)

“My girlfriend just gave birth to our first child. I know I’m not the biological father and I revealed I knew as soon as she gave birth” – this internet user turned to r/TrueOffMyChest to reveal a disturbing and profoundly intimate story about his girlfriend and a baby that he found out wasn’t his when she was around 6 months pregnant. The post managed to garner over 20K upvotes as well as 2.3K comments discussing this bizarre tale.

Man finds out his long-term girlfriend had been cheating on him for a year, splits up with her moments after she delivers a baby that isn’t his

Image credits: throwaway3733339

The 27-year-old started his post by admitting that he found out the child wasn’t his when his long-term partner was already several months along.

A guy called Bryan approached the author at his workplace and revealed the whole truth, claiming that he and Sarah – the man’s girlfriend – had been sleeping together for at least a year. The lovers had come to an agreement that they’d pretend that the baby was the author’s – however, Bryan recently became a Christian and, presumably, couldn’t handle the guilt, so he decided to confess.

Now, to find out more about this story, Bored Panda reached out to the author and asked him a couple of questions. “My relationship with Sarah wasn’t perfect but I gave it my all. We had been together since we were 20, pretty much. I think maybe she just got bored of me. Who knows,” said the post’s creator when we pondered about his overall relationship with Sarah.

Image credits: throwaway3733339

We then asked about any possible updates the author was willing to share: “I have no huge mind-blowing updates except that Bryan has met the baby and is really pushing to sign the birth certificate. However, we have both agreed to wait until we get a paternity test. I have not talked to Sarah and will only communicate with her through Bryan.”

The man then added: “According to Bryan, Sarah asked him if he’d want to finally get together as a couple so she didn’t have to do this alone, but he hasn’t really answered that question yet. Whatever he does, I wish him luck. I plan to only fully update when I have the paternity results.”

Lastly, we wondered whether there was anything the post’s creator would like to say to those who might be going through similar things: “I have no advice really. I’d say if you ever catch yourself in a situation like this, definitely don’t drink. Get your stuff together and be prepared for any outcome.”

Image credits: throwaway3733339

Given how severe the issue is, BP also wanted to add some expert input to perhaps assist people who are struggling with cheating partners. We managed to get through to Donald Cole: “I’m a therapist who has been using the Gottman Method with clients for about 20 years. In addition to my private therapy practice which I share with my wife, Carrie, I am the Clinical Director of the Gottman Institute.”

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When we asked Donald how to deal with infidelity, he gave us the following response: “There is probably no more painful situation in marriage than the pain of betrayal. The damage it does to the sense of trust and stability is hard to overestimate. Therapy with couples often deals with affairs, and in our method, we have developed a structured approach that really seems to make a difference. The method is still undergoing testing. My wife is actually the Research Director and is in charge of the study on the effectiveness of our treatment for affairs.”

“Without going into too much detail, the process involves working through three steps: Atone, which involves dealing with the betrayed partner’s trauma, settling the unanswered questions, expressing their feelings, and establishing boundaries. Step 2 is the Attune stage, where issues of conflict and distance in the marriage which created the conditions for betrayal are dealt with. Step 3 is the Attach phase, where the couple works together to establish a sense of closeness and intimacy,” added Donald.

Image credits: throwaway3733339

Our second professional is Sara Povey, a holistic therapist that specializes in working with trauma, attachment, the shadow, and all the glorious challenges that come with being a human being. We questioned Sara whether it’s worth repairing a relationship after someone cheats: “Life after infidelity will inevitably look different from life before the affair. There is no going back, and for some couples, that’s a good thing. It’s just a matter of integrating the experience. Infidelity is arguably one of the most confronting experiences that a couple can go through, and it’s up to the couple in which direction the relationship will go. I have worked with couples who have a much deeper, more soulful relationship with themselves and each other after working through infidelity, and I’ve worked with couples who were so poisoned by the affair and aren’t able to/don’t want to work through it. There has to be an agreement to be open to a new and different way of relating to one another.”

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Image credits: Christopher Brown (not the actual photo)

Finally, we asked Sara for advice on what someone should do in a situation like this: “It is human nature to seek revenge after a betrayal. The writer’s response to finding out his girlfriend was cheating on him is understandable. We can hold multiple feelings at once, i.e., I am furious and want revenge AND I know that hurting someone else isn’t going to make my own pain stop.”

“I don’t usually give advice as a therapist, but if I did it would be this: Revenge is a zero-sum game. Seeking revenge is usually a desperate attempt to regain power and control in order to compensate for the destruction, shame, and loss of betrayal. Waiting to hurt her while she’s post-partum and taking care of an infant won’t take away the pain of this betrayal and sounds equally as painful for you. Confront her as soon as you can and let her know that this isn’t going to work. Say goodbye, cut your losses, and get out.”

What do you think about this situation?

Fellow online community members shared their thoughts and opinions on this situation

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Image credits: Pat Pilon (not the actual photo)

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