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MIL Is Upset Her Son Shared His Gift With His Wife: “I Meant The Gift To Be Just For Him”
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MIL Is Upset Her Son Shared His Gift With His Wife: “I Meant The Gift To Be Just For Him”

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Giving gifts can be tricky. People often make the mistake of giving others what they want to receive, and then act surprised why the person isn’t happy. However, some people also think they can decide what the person does with the gift.

This mother gave her adult son $600 so he could treat himself after a rough patch: he just became a new father and has been working hard lately. But, when he decided to split the gift with his wife, the mother wasn’t amused. So, she asked for advice online: should she say something or should she keep her mouth shut?

To better understand whether the mother is being unreasonable, Bored Panda sought the expertise of an LMFT and Certified Financial Therapist Nathan Astle. He explained the intricacies of deciding what the other person does with a gift, and you can read his expert insights below!

A young father received a $600 gift from his mother and decided to split it with his wife

Image credits: Alexander Grey (not the actual photo)

But his mother got angry; the money was meant for him and him only

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Image credits: Rosa Rafael (not the actual photo)

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Image credits: BySassyUmberPeer 

If gifts come with conditions, the giver should let the person know beforehand

Gifts can take many forms: experiences, material things, and even cheques or cash. In fact, many people actually prefer to receive money as gifts: in a 2019 survey from Mint, 61% of the respondents said they would like cash or a gift card more than a “traditional” present. So, cash gifts are totally cool now.

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What isn’t cool, however, is gifts that come with strings attached. The conditions of the gift given by the mother in this story aren’t that bad. Often, people have ulterior motives when they give gifts. Some imagine they can now make certain requests, others think the person is now indebted to them.

Gifts should be altruistic and given out of generosity. Most people give gifts to show appreciation and love to the other person. And so did the mother in this story; she said her son has been working hard and she showed her love through a monetary gift.

 “If you are giving a gift and have a specific request with it, that needs to be made explicit at the time of giving the gift,” financial therapist Nathan Astle says.

“But in the end, that’s the whole point of gifts is that it is up to the other person how it will be used. In this case, more communication about what your wishes about the gift would be helpful to the other party.”

“In general, we can’t control what others do when we give a gift. It really isn’t our place to tell someone how to use their money. We need boundaries in our relationships, even in the relationships we care about most. Perhaps especially in those relationships.”

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Men need self-care just as much—if not more—than women

The mother is right about one thing, though: women practice self-care more often than men do. In a 2024 survey of U.S. adults, a higher percentage of women would practice every form of self-care, from spending time with friends and family to enjoying spa treatments.

However, when it comes to what young parents spend money on, it’s the opposite. “Research shows that women tend to spend money more on things for the family while men are more likely to spend money on things for themselves, especially in young parenthood,” Nathan Astle told Bored Panda. “For all we know, the son told his wife that he wanted her to use it on some spa days.”

Still, self-care and mental well-being are just as important for men and young fathers as they are for women and mothers. Experts say that we need to normalize self-care for men, as many of them don’t take proper care of their mental well-being.

Cleveland Clinic reports that 44% of men believe they’re leading a healthy lifestyle but don’t prioritize their mental health. In fact, 65% say that they’re hesitant to seek professional help for concerns like anxiety, depression, and stress.

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“Throughout the generations, we’ve been told that seeking help is a sign of weakness,” Dr. Adam Borland, PsyD, explained. “Men are told that we’re supposed to deal with our issues and keep them internalized. We’re told that talking about how you’re feeling is more of a feminine trait.”

Self-care isn’t just about spa treatments, shopping, and other “girly” things. Reading, exercising, socializing, or eating a healthy diet are self-care practices too. “Self-care is not a standalone practice but a way of being in integrity with one’s body and identity,” wellness coach Jeff Siegel, M.Ed. writes.

People in the comments gave the mother a reality check: the son obviously wanted to share it with the person he loves

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Kornelija Viečaitė

Kornelija Viečaitė

Writer, BoredPanda staff

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Hi there, fellow pandas! As a person (over)educated both in social sciences and literature, I'm most interested in how we connect and behave online (and sometimes in real life too.) The human experience is weird, so I try my best to put its peculiarities in writing. As a person who grew up chronically online, I now try to marry two sides of myself: the one who knows too much about MySpace, and the one who can't settle and needs to see every corner of the world.

Read less »
Kornelija Viečaitė

Kornelija Viečaitė

Writer, BoredPanda staff

Hi there, fellow pandas! As a person (over)educated both in social sciences and literature, I'm most interested in how we connect and behave online (and sometimes in real life too.) The human experience is weird, so I try my best to put its peculiarities in writing. As a person who grew up chronically online, I now try to marry two sides of myself: the one who knows too much about MySpace, and the one who can't settle and needs to see every corner of the world.

Shelly Fourer

Shelly Fourer

Author, BoredPanda staff

Read more »

Hey there! I'm Shelly, a Visual Editor at Bored Panda. When I'm not working, you'll often find me immersed in creativity, whether it's creating animations, 3D and traditional art, writing, or making music.I've been drawing since I was little, and my passion for visual storytelling really took off after I finished a 2-year Film Academy. It ignited my existing spark for bringing stories to life through visuals. Since then, I've been diving deeper into art and tech, always exploring new ways to tell compelling stories.

Read less »

Shelly Fourer

Shelly Fourer

Author, BoredPanda staff

Hey there! I'm Shelly, a Visual Editor at Bored Panda. When I'm not working, you'll often find me immersed in creativity, whether it's creating animations, 3D and traditional art, writing, or making music.I've been drawing since I was little, and my passion for visual storytelling really took off after I finished a 2-year Film Academy. It ignited my existing spark for bringing stories to life through visuals. Since then, I've been diving deeper into art and tech, always exploring new ways to tell compelling stories.

Do you believe the intent behind a gift is more important than the gift itself?
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Traveling Lady Railfan
Community Member
4 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Funny, I read the mother's response that "women are taught to treat themselves and that they should always buy nice things for themselves..." And I'm like, whaaa?? In my family and with the friends I know, the women give up the most... Their free time, their energy, anything special that is gifted to them in particular, and they share anything that they have with the rest of the family. It's the men that if they get something for themselves they keep it for themselves. (Ex favorite box of chocolates. Guys will eat it for themselves. Women will share with the whole family and only get a couple pieces) I thought it was really nice that the husband wanted to share the financial gift so the two of them could both have a lovely break.

StrangeOne
Community Member
3 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Women do so much, sacrifice so much and we still get, not only under appreciated, told we're not doing enough and not being strong enough to just tough it through and don't deserve any treats. After my daughter was born, any gifts were for the baby. Any Christmas and birthday presents to me were baby related. My ex got stuff for himself. My mom thought 10 minutes of babysitting was ample time to walk 2, 3 blocks to a cafe, sit and have coffee then walk back. TEN MINUTES ONLY. Knowing her tactics, if I hadn't come home in TEN MINUTES she would be calling the police on me claiming I've abandoned my baby or filed a missing person's report. (She'd done it 2 other times when I was younger when giving me unrealistic time limits like that.) So I just walk to the end of the block and back. Walked in and she asked "Did you get a coffee"? Sorry for the rant, but that s**t pisses me off to this day because she still doesn't understand her b******t.

Load More Replies...
Elvira394
Community Member
4 days ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My father rest his soul taught me the most important thing about gifts: A gift is a gift, and once you gift, it is no longer yours to have any say over. So give money to that bum on the street, but don’t bother yourself with whether he spends it on food or d***s. If you gave it as a gift, it is his to do as he pleases. If you give money to a family member, you should be just as happy if they enjoyed shoving it down the toilet as if they used it for something truly meaningful. If you want to dictate how your gift is spent, don’t give cash, give whatever it is you want them to buy with the cash instead. But when you give cash, it belongs to them and not you anymore you need to release yourself from all attachment to it.

Rdj
Community Member
3 days ago

This comment has been deleted.

Load More Replies...
Yu Pan
Community Member
4 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What if that's what her son wants? To share it with someone he loves? What's wrong with that? When my boss gave me a gift card as a token of appreciation, I used it to buy my cat a toy, because that makes me happy. Now imagine my boss being pissed at me and wants to dictate how I spend my gift.

Ms.GB
Community Member
3 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That wasn't for your cat! Now ur kitty has to clock in and pay it off. J/k

Load More Replies...
Load More Comments
Traveling Lady Railfan
Community Member
4 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Funny, I read the mother's response that "women are taught to treat themselves and that they should always buy nice things for themselves..." And I'm like, whaaa?? In my family and with the friends I know, the women give up the most... Their free time, their energy, anything special that is gifted to them in particular, and they share anything that they have with the rest of the family. It's the men that if they get something for themselves they keep it for themselves. (Ex favorite box of chocolates. Guys will eat it for themselves. Women will share with the whole family and only get a couple pieces) I thought it was really nice that the husband wanted to share the financial gift so the two of them could both have a lovely break.

StrangeOne
Community Member
3 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Women do so much, sacrifice so much and we still get, not only under appreciated, told we're not doing enough and not being strong enough to just tough it through and don't deserve any treats. After my daughter was born, any gifts were for the baby. Any Christmas and birthday presents to me were baby related. My ex got stuff for himself. My mom thought 10 minutes of babysitting was ample time to walk 2, 3 blocks to a cafe, sit and have coffee then walk back. TEN MINUTES ONLY. Knowing her tactics, if I hadn't come home in TEN MINUTES she would be calling the police on me claiming I've abandoned my baby or filed a missing person's report. (She'd done it 2 other times when I was younger when giving me unrealistic time limits like that.) So I just walk to the end of the block and back. Walked in and she asked "Did you get a coffee"? Sorry for the rant, but that s**t pisses me off to this day because she still doesn't understand her b******t.

Load More Replies...
Elvira394
Community Member
4 days ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My father rest his soul taught me the most important thing about gifts: A gift is a gift, and once you gift, it is no longer yours to have any say over. So give money to that bum on the street, but don’t bother yourself with whether he spends it on food or d***s. If you gave it as a gift, it is his to do as he pleases. If you give money to a family member, you should be just as happy if they enjoyed shoving it down the toilet as if they used it for something truly meaningful. If you want to dictate how your gift is spent, don’t give cash, give whatever it is you want them to buy with the cash instead. But when you give cash, it belongs to them and not you anymore you need to release yourself from all attachment to it.

Rdj
Community Member
3 days ago

This comment has been deleted.

Load More Replies...
Yu Pan
Community Member
4 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What if that's what her son wants? To share it with someone he loves? What's wrong with that? When my boss gave me a gift card as a token of appreciation, I used it to buy my cat a toy, because that makes me happy. Now imagine my boss being pissed at me and wants to dictate how I spend my gift.

Ms.GB
Community Member
3 days ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That wasn't for your cat! Now ur kitty has to clock in and pay it off. J/k

Load More Replies...
Load More Comments
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