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George Carlin: The Best Inspirational Quotes by The Late Comedic Genius

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It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 15 years since the legendary comedian George Carlin passed away. His wit remains a vivid memory thanks to the many “Best Of George Carlin” videos on YouTube that also give younger generations the opportunity to know him. When it comes to comedy, there is no shortage of great performers, but his bold stance on nearly every topic, from religion to politics, set him apart from other funnymen of his era. His irreverent jokes and no-holds-barred attitude made him a fan favorite but also landed him in trouble with the law more than once. He got into comedy in 1960 when he started working with Jack Burns, who soon became his writing partner and best friend. They performed together for some years before Carlin went solo. From there, he became a comedy icon, which continued up until his death in 2008 at the age of 71.

A leading voice that influenced other comedians and an important figure in both the counterculture and mainstream culture, George Carlin was noted for his black comedy as well as his thoughts on politics, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. He is widely regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comedians, one of the first in the 1960s to use profanity in his routines.

He didn’t just make people laugh. He made them think and sometimes reconsider their beliefs. He had an uncanny ability to cut through the clutter of everyday life, and for this, we want to honor this man with our favorite inspirational quotes from George Carlin. Some are funny, some are insightful, but they’re all packed with his typical brutal honesty.

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#1

Quote about teaching a child “Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”

48points

Zophra 2 years ago

Looking at you religion.

9points

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#2

“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

47points

Zophra 2 years ago

So true!

2points

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#3

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

45points

Adrienne Mcginley 2 years ago

The next thing to be outlawed.

2points

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#4

Quote about government “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.”

43points

Adrienne Mcginley 2 years ago

We DO!

2points

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#5

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”

43points

Susan Atkinson 2 years ago

I remember in the late 70's you could smoke in hospitals. Aaah... lighting up after 28 hours of labor/delivery. Lol

1point

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#6

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

41points

Adrienne Mcginley 2 years ago

The Senate comes to mind....

2points

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#7

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

39points

Lulxby 2 years ago

...and anyone driving the same speed as you is a copycat /j

2points

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#8

George Carlin quote on hapiness “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”

38points

Lulxby 2 years ago

So you're saying that I have to eat joy to be happy? I mean, it doesn't hurt to try ;)

2points

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#9

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

32points

B S 2 years ago

one of my favorites from him.

1point

#10

“War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die.”

32points

Alias Delfs 2 years ago

Basically

1point

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#11

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”

31points

B S 2 years ago

yeah this describes me most days. but i prefer pragmatist or agnostically optimistic...

1point

#12

George Carlin quote on irony “If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?”

31points

Henry Russell 2 years ago

well i dont have to go to the meeting now

3points

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#13

“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”

29points

Josh Cutts 2 years ago

This is a Nietzsche quote.

3points

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#14

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

28points

Lulxby 2 years ago

As a fellow American, I can say this is 100% correct

6points

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#15

“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

27points

Zophra 2 years ago

But it's so hard not to argue. Like why can't you just see????

5points

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#16

George Carlin quote about conservatives and money “Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”

27points

Lulxby 2 years ago (edited)

Can't argue with stupid! /s

3points

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#17

“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”

27points

Mark Alibozek 2 years ago

I guess that's why they want to ban abortion, because it's the ones who can't afford to take care of child that it affects. The people who can't afford a good education are more likely to join the military in order to further their education, if they survive

9points

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#18

“Religion is like a pair of shoes: Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”

27points

Catarina 2 years ago

This should be written in every church every temple every house of every god

3points

#19

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

26points

Lulxby 2 years ago

Naive

2points

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#20

George Carlin quote about president and America “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

26points

Jaguarundi 2 years ago

Yes.

1point

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#21

“Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”

25points

Valerie G. 2 years ago

This makes me miss George Carlin all the more.

0points

#22

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

25points

Lulxby 2 years ago

Wow. That's really stupid.

1point

#23

“We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”

25points

Nikki Sevven 2 years ago

Don't measure your life in money; measure it in time.

5points

#24

George Carlin quote about fascism in America “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.”

25points

Terry Tobias 2 years ago

And red hats.

9points

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#25

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

25points

witchling 2 years ago

Ohhh this one made me laugh loud enough to wake up the dog. Poor puppy!!

2points

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#26

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

25points

#27

“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?”

25points

Paul Pallansch 2 years ago

This is funny, but if the entire plane were engineered the way black boxes are, it would not be able to fly.

1point

#28

“I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.”

24points

James Edwards 2 years ago

I-Team

4points

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#29

George Carlin quote about work and money “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

23points

dee dee 2 years ago

Oh f**k. Spot on.

4points

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#30

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

23points

#31

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

23points

Catarina 2 years ago

🤣👌

1point

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#32

“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”

23points

Alias Delfs 2 years ago

Maybe

0points

#33

“‘Meow’ means ‘woof’ in cat.”

23points

Zophra 2 years ago

No... no self-respecting cat would say that. "Meow" means - "Come attend my needs hooman! Now."

3points

#34

George Carlin quote about invisible things “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

22points

#35

“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”

22points

Nikki Sevven 2 years ago

Interestingly, this is also the duty of the science fiction author.

4points

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#36

“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”

21points

#37

“I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”

21points

B S 2 years ago

another one current folks don't wanna touch w a 10 foot clown pole eh? being we're still seeing what happens when you let attention-whores and power mongers do anything they f*****g well want and it's made the world a decidedly shittier place.

1point

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#38

George Carlin quote about money and church “Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”

21points

#39

“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, ‘Trajedi.'”

20points

Nikki Sevven 2 years ago

Today, it would be 'Trajedeigh.'

11points

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#40

“Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”

20points

B S 2 years ago

same... same

0points

#41

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

20points

#42

George Carlin quote about house “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

19points

Lulxby 2 years ago (edited)

Basically just storage for all the stuff you buy but don't need /j

2points

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#43

“Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.”

19points

B S 2 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

#44

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”

19points

Nikki Sevven 2 years ago

Imagine you're shot to death and people celebrate your life by wearing tiny gun pendants.

5points

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#45

“‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?”

19points

#46

George Carlin quote about belief “I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”

19points

Alicia M 2 years ago

Same

0points

#47

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”

19points

Diane the Dinosaur 2 years ago

I have those nights.

1point

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#48

“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”

19points

#49

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”

19points

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#50

George Carlin quote about laugh “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”

19points

Diane the Dinosaur 2 years ago

I do. I have asthma.

6points

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#51

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

18points

B S 2 years ago

oops george it's 2022, you're not allowed to say men or women anymore, the tumblr thought police would have to cancel you if you weren't f*****g dead...

-3points

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#52

“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”

18points

#53

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

18points

lovemy suffolk 2 years ago

Agree!!

0points

#54

“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”

18points

tom 2 years ago

Iran

1point

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#55

George Carlin quote about the Bible “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam.”

18points

Da Dragon Queen 2 years ago

Hahaha 🤣 🫠

2points

#56

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”

18points

tom 2 years ago

It's always full

0points

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#57

“Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”

17points

#58

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”

17points

Wondering Alice 2 years ago

Say please and thank you

3points

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#59

“I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.”

17points

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#60

George Carlin quote about doctors “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice?'”

17points

Catarina 2 years ago

That's scary

1point

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#61

“I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”

17points

Susan Atkinson 2 years ago

Lol, didn't expect the last line.

1point

#62

“There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”

17points

B S 2 years ago

and so many oblivious f***s wandering around

-2points

#63

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

17points

lovemy suffolk 2 years ago

It's a game for sure!

1point

#64

George Carlin quote about social problem “Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”

16points

lovemy suffolk 2 years ago

The world's remaining most beautiful places are much sought after. There is a line (queue).

1point

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#65

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

16points

Chucky Cheezburger 2 years ago

Ho ho hooo!

1point

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#66

“Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”

16points

#67

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”

16points

James Edwards 2 years ago

Hippy Dippy Weatherman.

5points

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#68

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”

15points

Catarina 2 years ago

🤔

3points

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#69

George Carlin quote about ideas “I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”

15points

#70

“‘Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”

15points

lovemy suffolk 2 years ago

Hahaha 😆 so true. So sad.

0points

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#71

“If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”

15points

Nicole Weymann 2 years ago

As every MacD's employee will attest.

3points

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#72

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

15points

#73

George Carlin quote about fail and success “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

15points

Catarina 2 years ago

Good point

1point

#74

“Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town.”

15points

#75

“The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”

14points

#76

“People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.”

14points

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#77

George Carlin quote about believing in yourself only “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

14points

D20 Games 2 years ago

Some times, talking to yourself, is the only way to have an intelligent conversation.

2points

#78

“I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend. I didn’t bother with him.”

14points

#79

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

14points

Mobey Drunk 2 years ago

I prefer his quote, everyone appreciates your honesty until your honest. Then your an a*****e.

3points

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#80

“Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”

14points

B S 2 years ago

these days they'd have to be locally sourced, cruelty-free, gluten free, sugar free, gender neutral and couldn't be animal shaped because that would demean the zoographical archetypes they represent. when did life get so complicated w pointless b******t.

2points

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#81

George Carlin quote about hypothetical questions “What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

14points

#82

“Life is not measured by the number of breath we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”

14points

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#83

“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

13points

#84

“I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.”

13points

B S 2 years ago

oh we already do, for a given value of what "christian" represents...

1point

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#85

George Carlin quote on temporality “So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”

13points

#86

“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”

13points

Sir Tarsier 2 years ago

George hitting where it hurts...

1point

#87

“If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.”

13points

Valerie G. 2 years ago

My mom used to say "if you can't say something nice about someone, come in and I'll put the kettle on".

0points

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#88

“People always tell me ‘Have a nice day.’ Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”

13points

Milady Blue 2 years ago

"That'd be easy. Sometimes, all you have to do is get up in the morning."

0points

#89

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

13points

Valerie G. 2 years ago

Ewwww, just ewwwwwww.

0points

#90

George Carlin quote on temporality “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”

13points

#91

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

13points

#92

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

13points

#93

“When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.”

13points

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#94

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

13points

#95

George Carlin quote on positivity “Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.”

13points

#96

“My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.”

13points

#97

“Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.”

13points

#98

“A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.'”

13points

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#99

“Think off-center.”

12points

#100

George Carlin quote about language “By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

12points

#101

“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”

12points

#102

“It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”

12points

#103

George Carlin quote about fisbeetarianism “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

10points

#104

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.”

9points

Daniel Mattock 2 years ago

‘Why is it that most people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to f**k in the first place?’

2points

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Saimonas Lukošius

Saimonas is a list curator at Bored Panda with BA in Multimedia. Saimonas has mainly worked as a freelance graphic designer, illustrator and finds joy in anything related to visual arts.

Saimonas is a list curator at Bored Panda with BA in Multimedia. Saimonas has mainly worked as a freelance graphic designer, illustrator and finds joy in anything related to visual arts.

Melanie Gervasoni

Writer on a quest to explore every corner of the world, one country at a time. Fueled by my love for Arcane, oversized hoodies, and weightlifting, I try my best to bring even more fun energy to Bored Panda. My cup of tea? Pop culture, funny content, sharing interesting facts about the world, and creating listicles for fellow Pandas. When I’m not crafting articles, my eyes are still glued to a screen — be it binge-watching my favorite shows, leveling up in video games, or learning Spanish with Duolingo. Always on the hunt for the ultimate playlist, I scour Deezer to find the right tunes to listen to while working on my creative projects.

Writer on a quest to explore every corner of the world, one country at a time. Fueled by my love for Arcane, oversized hoodies, and weightlifting, I try my best to bring even more fun energy to Bored Panda. My cup of tea? Pop culture, funny content, sharing interesting facts about the world, and creating listicles for fellow Pandas. When I’m not crafting articles, my eyes are still glued to a screen — be it binge-watching my favorite shows, leveling up in video games, or learning Spanish with Duolingo. Always on the hunt for the ultimate playlist, I scour Deezer to find the right tunes to listen to while working on my creative projects.

What do you think ?

Terry Tobias 2 years ago

I love George Carlin! He was ahead of his time and has been an inspiration to upcoming comics for years. I saw his show back when he was riffing on "Stuff'" and the "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television". This was when cable tv channels were limited and we didn't have the internet of course! He was hilarious! RIP George!

1point

Jaguarundi 2 years ago

I miss George Carlin.

1point

D20 Games 2 years ago (edited)

I'm a smoker. My favorite joke from him is, "They say that quitting smoking will add 10 years to your life. Well, let's look at those 10 years, shall we. Those are the sitting in a nursing home, not knowing who you are, and sh!tting in a diaper years. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll keep smoking."

0points

Terry Tobias 2 years ago

I love George Carlin! He was ahead of his time and has been an inspiration to upcoming comics for years. I saw his show back when he was riffing on "Stuff'" and the "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television". This was when cable tv channels were limited and we didn't have the internet of course! He was hilarious! RIP George!

1point

Jaguarundi 2 years ago

I miss George Carlin.

1point

D20 Games 2 years ago (edited)

I'm a smoker. My favorite joke from him is, "They say that quitting smoking will add 10 years to your life. Well, let's look at those 10 years, shall we. Those are the sitting in a nursing home, not knowing who you are, and sh!tting in a diaper years. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll keep smoking."

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