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“I Realized I Was Gay”: 29 Men In This Online Group Who Came Out Later In Life Share What Was Their Turning Point
A month ago, at the age of 44, American actor and former White House staff member Kal Penn came out as gay by announcing his engagement with his partner of 11 years, Josh.
George Takei, best known as Mr. Sulu or that guy who nails the exclamation Oh My, came out back in 2005, when he was 68.
Sir Ian McKellen, Lily Tomlin, Anderson Cooper, Ricky Martin, and many others came out much later in their lives and careers for a multitude of reasons, so it’s much more common than one might think.
People on r/AskGaybrosOver30 have been sharing these exact stories. Redditor u/cloakeslayer asked how men came out later in life and what was the turning point for them.
We’ve collected the best tales from people online and crafted a curated list that you can find below, so go vote, comment, and let us know your thoughts and stories in the comment section at the end of the article.
More Info: Reddit
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#1
I was about to turn 38 and my beautiful wife of 17 amazing years was about to turn 33. She looked amazing in a red dress and in that moment I realize that I still had an opportunity to give her a life that she deserved with a man that wasn’t living a divided life. In my profile I share my coming out experience. I am 42 now and she and I are the best of friends.
#2
About a year prior to the end of my relationship with my last girlfriend, I made a pact with myself. If my relationship with her were to end, I would give men a shot. I had known since puberty that I was attracted to men, just never acted on it. I didn’t want to reach old age having never been with a man and regret it. My husband and I have been married 2 1/2 years.
#3
I came out at 31, one wife, one daughter, and one son later. For me, it had to do with my personal happiness and my desire to be the best parent I could be. Knowing that I couldn’t be completely happy in my current situation, I took a risk that paid off for us all —> it’s been 16 years since I came out - my kiddos are grown and successfully contributing members of society and my ex-wife is still one of my closest allies. I’m thankful it worked out well for me.
#4
61 (M), I came out as bisexual at 44, my stepson at 11-12 came out as gay and this pushed me to be truthful. As a very confused teenager who didn’t understand the double attraction and not having anyone to compare or talk to I had kept it private for years.
Raven DeathShade 2 years ago
I am very thankful to BP, since I can declare myself as bi all I want. I don't want to tell my family, but I wanna tell someone at least.
#5
Met the love of my life, I was so awestruck he loved me back it seemed dumb not to come out!
#6
Divorce. I came out to my wife many moons ago but it took us a long time to realize that praying the gay away wasn’t working.
Sky Render 2 years ago
You can bury what you are, but never change it. And sooner or later, it will make its way back to the surface if you do that.
#7
I don't have flair I don't know how to do it..
Anyhow I am 47
Was 13 in 1986 and there was no chance of coming out then. At that time the last thing you wanted to be was gay (at least in my mind)
It wasn't until i was 26 or 27, i Forget, that a very good friend finally asked me when I was gonna come out of the closet.
I was so freaked out I told him I didn't know what he was talking about.
Eventually, after a mental breakdown pretty much and a lot of booze and tears, I finally admitted I was gay. (this was the 90s in Orlando FL)
So my friend got me to talk to other gay guys and try and accept myself.
But I didn't accept myself... I just admitted to being gay, but I didn't accept myself.
Then I moved and got into a job that put me in a lot of small towns.
I went back in the closet big time... and did not socialize or tried not to ..
During this time I saw several co-workers get together, get married and now have kids... made me really sad
Anyhow over the past 2 years I can have been seeing a therapist and finally came out for real... to myself.
I am still struggling but now I don't put sex into "right" or "wrong" categories
And I'm learning that being gay is normal and not really a big deal. Life is brutal and terrible and lonely and horrible for a lot of people, gay straight, bi or whatever.
I'm still struggling with a lot of self hate and self esteem issues, alcoholism, weed abuse, and suicidal thoughts.
But it's getting better.
#8
I moved to Ireland just before the referendum that legalized gay marriage. I was 32, and after i experienced that i suddenly felt it was surreal that i am still hiding myself and denying myself happiness. That was my turning point.
#9
I'm 39, and looking back I know I've had crushes on boys since kindergarten. In my teens and twenties, I'd find myself checking guys out and then denying what I was doing. 8 years ago, I decided enough was enough, and I came out to my best friend (since high school). We are currently housemates and are closer than ever. I still haven't told everyone in my life, it's a slow process in my case. I'm dealing with the triple threat of anxiety, insomnia and depression. But I think I'll be alright.
Parmeisan 2 years ago
Coming out of the closet often happens in pieces. You tell the people who will accept you, first. Work your way up to the harder ones. Sometimes, there are people you may never come out to. For example, one of my brothers would probably not let me around his kids any more and I think it's more important to remain an influence in their lives. But eventually, everyone who matters, knows.
#10
I'm currently 39, and came out around age 27-28. I was raised in the religious "you can change" culture. I was fairly certain I wouldn't change, but I felt like I owed it to God to try, before questioning and changing the beliefs I was raised with.
After spending years doing all the manly things that were supposed to straighten me out, I had a particular weekend - a men-only whitewater rafting trip - when I realized I had achieved all the things I was aiming for that were supposed to change me, and I was still 100% gay.
Once I knew the gay wasn't going anywhere, I figured I would want to be able to be open and honest with people from then on, regardless of how the rest of my life went. I only waited that long to spare myself and my conservative friends and family the grief and heartache of my coming out, just in case I ended up changing. Now I've been married to a great guy for 8 years!
#11
I came out to myself in October 2019 at 36. I really thought I was going to pass away in the closet. I had repressed it for so long, but my wife and I were not getting along, I wanted to start couples therapy, but she insisted it was me and that I go to therapy, and what would you know, she was right! Although she never suspected the end result. I still planned to just idk, try to figuring things out with her, but then I reconnected with my best childhood friend who came out to me as bi, and at that point I was if you can do this so can I. Told him I was bi, then the next day I told him I lied, that I was gay. That really started it all for me. Got a new therapist with a new focus and made a plan to come out to my wife. It was so hard, but also so freeing. We have 2 kids and currently going through all of the not fun parts of the divorce, but we’ve been good co-parents, and I hope that once we put this part behind us we can be some sort of “friends” someday. We don’t hate each other, but it’s just all raw and hurtful at the moment and that kind of stuff takes time. I wouldn’t change anything about my past because my kids are my world, but I am so happy that I can finally be truly happy. I thought I was happy before and sure there were moments of happiness (and I don’t mean to imply I was always unhappy), but this part of me was missing and I’m glad I found it.
#12
I realized I was gay last year after 36 years. I kinda always knew, but I wasn't sure I guess. After seeing a gay guy I could see myself in I stated to question myself more.
I live in a small town and there is no queer representation here, but I also have almost zero sexual attraction to anyone.
So it was really hard to get to the conclusion without the help of physical interaction (doing the self discovery process during lockdown)
I told one of my friends a month later I guess and after a couple of months I told the whole world I guess.
#13
Why not so much later in life, but I came out at 28, always knew I was gay, but didn't have the confidence or self worth to do it until I REALLY had to, by which time I had been married for over 4 years. The internet and being able to chat to other men was my way of reaching out, as I never would have gone to a gay bar.
Then in 2002 it got to the point where I REALLY need to find out, so I arranged to meet a guy and loved it, 2 weeks later I met another guy, 2 months after that I came out to myself, 2 months after that I came out to my then wife and then family and friends the following day.
I felt so free, but I couldn't "start my life" for a further 4 months as I couldn't get my own place.
Best thing I ever did. I dont think I would still be alive if I hadn't have finally come out, yes I feel bad for wasting her time. But you live and learn, luckily I never wanted kids, so I didn't have that complication.
#14
It's not an exciting story by any means. Throughout my teens/20's I didn't pay any mind to sex/attraction; just repeated to myself I'll worry about it later.
I never really imagined myself with someone else until my 30s and when I started thinking about that stuff I noticed I was paying more attention to men than women. One talk with a gay friend later and then the pieces fell into place.
#15
Mine was because I had this quote in my head saying “ you only live once “.
Petra, princess of Brigid 2 years ago
Reading comics has taught me that you get reborn as a high class noble after you die.
#16
I always knew since I am was about 10ish, however due to community and family influences, I never came out while I was younger. I eventually came out at the age of 31 after my ex wife cheated on my with my best friend. We had a young son together. After the divorce, I came out to my close family and friends and started my journey of figuring out how to be gay. Found out it actually wasn’t a huge deal to my family, they were just sad that I had to hide my true self for so long because I thought they wouldn’t accept me.
#17
I’m 35 came out few yrs ago even the when I did my family’s like I’m ok we knew since you were a kid then I’m like ok should of said something they said nope when you were ready to you will we didn’t need to tell you... when this happened the best and most freeing and the happiness of the elephants on your shoulders just up and gone was the best feeling ever in my life it was something out of this world and every since this I’m like OMG I can say it out loud I’m gay and hear myself say this and not feel one once of remorse! I hope everyone gets to feel this because it’s something when it does your life just falls into place and you could care less what someone thinks of you anymore and then you can be who you want be free from society’s upside down opinion.... sorry just got so passionate and kept on writing could of went longer... anyway bro’s hit me up I need friends haha just moved and I’m in a small country town full of faceless pics in the app lol
#18
I came out at 30 , I never dated women or was I interested in it , I was just sick of not living my life authenticity. So that was the reason that I came out
#19
I came out when I was 46 will be 49 in March. Married for 23 years with 3 kids. I had always known I was gay or at least bi I grew up in a Christian home and always attended church. The turn point for me was when I had surgery and had a piece of my kidney taken out. After that it was I had to live my life happy. Not saying I wasn’t happy with my family. I would do it all over again for them. My kids was old enough to know and understand when I did. Never thought I would. I always thought that I would sneak out and cheat on her. I care what people think of me and didn’t want to let anybody down. When I came out it was the biggest relief off my shoulders. I am truly happy. I meet a guy who could pass for my son and we have been together for almost 2 years. I always wanted the FWB status but after 8 months he came in my life and we haven’t looked back. It was a struggle at first with his parents but the love me because they know I love their son and I make him happy. All my kids love him as well. I could go on but I won’t.
#20
I slowly came out to my immediate family. The last one was my dad. This was last year, so I was 32. I wanted to come out to him for a while, but I couldn't get myself to do it, so I forced my own hand. I ended up buying a pride Boston Bruins t shirt knowing that I would want to wear it to the Pride Night at the local AHL team's arena. I was very nervous about it, but I was right. My desire to wear the shirt gave me the reason to come out to him, and it ended up going far better than I could have imagined.
Then, this past October, I decided to come out to everyone else on National Coming Out Day. I made a post on Facebook, which covered most of the people I know, and I went to my grandparents' house and told them in person. It being a "secret" was weighing on me. I had debated just getting it over with before but hadn't done it. I hadn't even realized it was National Coming Out Day until I went on Facebook that night and saw a bunch of posts about it. Something just clicked, and I went for it.
#21
When I was younger I tried to find my way out but didn’t want to lose friends. Also the gay culture I was presented with was loud, petty, and generally extra; I’m not that and generally don’t get along with those that are. In the end It took me becoming comfortable with my own skin. Over the years in received a lot of s***ty feedback from the LGBT community for being a straight passing pansexual, which made it hard. I was constantly being made to feel like an imposter. Now I know I’m not alone and forgive others for their toxicity.
#22
I'm 31 and came out to my closest friends a year ago more or less. Here's the story: I went clubbing with some friends - not the closest I have - and while being not exactly sober I kissed a random guy. Probably because I was with friends I wasn't so connected to, I felt more... free, let's say. At that point, when I realized why I did what I did, I felt bad for not being able to be honest with my closest friends. I knew I couldn't hide it anymore and I finally told my closest circle (i.e. around 10 people. A lot of people that I consider close still don't know it, included my parents). It's been tough to admit it, especially for the long time that it took me, especially with the people that know me better. I knew it since probably 3 or 4 years, maybe more, even tho I was able to say "I like men" or "I'm gay" only a year ago. It's still hard.
#23
Doing it now at 34. I’d say I always knew more or less. When I think back to when I was a kid, I have all the same dumb pre-internet gay kid things like spending too long in the JC Pennys men’s underwear section or Sears catalogue of whatever. I come from a strict Irish catholic family though, so any of my mannerisms or actions that were “too gay” were discussed by my family. They’d try to figure out why I’m like this or how to fix me. Couple that with just the other general emotional abuse or generic derogatory comments about LGBT issues, and I learned to curb, hide, or suppress most of my emotional impulses. This was when I was still in grade school. I knew I had to hide from everyone as best a could. High school was rough but I tried to figure out any way I could to not acknowledge who I was. I dated girls, blended with my friends. I hated myself inside though. I saw no future for myself and honestly just wanted to end things but didn’t have the balls to really go through with it. All that catholic school I guess. I tried enlisting but I couldn’t because I was relatively newly diagnosed with Crohn’s disease.
For college, I continued dating women to little success. They can be awfully cruel to a guy when you’re not totally healthy or only 5 ft 7. So between feeling like having what I wanted (men) would lead to me losing everyone I ever knew and feeling like I was the least attractive man to women ever, my self-esteem went to s**t. Undergrad was a lot of rough isolated emotions. Grad school was the first time I was around people who seemed to genuinely not care or treat people different because they were gay. By this point I was hiding in the closet mostly by telling my long time friends and family that I was just too busy with academia to date, which worked well enough, I suppose. By the time I graduated, I had told a few of them and the reception was generally positive.
It took until my 30s to be in a position to discuss this with my family. I know it was their fault that I felt I needed to hide who I am so desperately, that they’re the ones who made me think if I slip up that I’d be disowned or beaten more, that made me terrified. But I don’t care anymore. I’ve missed so many milestones, lost so much time. I see the lives so many others, some younger some older, and I can’t be a bystander anymore. Shutting myself off like I have, it f**king breaks a part of you and I don’t want to broken anymore. That starts and ends with me.
#24
I did not "come out" to my parents, knowing my mom is quite homophobic and I don't want to add some more stress to my dad, which recently passed away.
While I did not come out to them, that doesn't mean I have repressed emotions BUT I HAVE MADE IT OBVIOUS that I tell people don't ask me nor budge me when I will get married or what. I still date, play around, whenever I feel it. It's just that maybe I am one of the "masculine" gays who "doesn't want to embrace my feminine side" as what others perceive what a gay should be like.
Tyler B 2 years ago
Everyone should be as masculine or feminine, as gay or straight as they want to be, to be as much of a Zebra as they want to be. We only get one chance here - do what you want, be kind and don't hurt anyone, and live your life the way you want to. 200000 years from now Zborkak will come down from Krylon and judge us, but until then it's free time (Don't worry Zborkak is cool.)
#25
Coming out was a process from 27-28 (felt late for me)
I always repressed that part of me because I thought I could live happily in a straight relationship or lifestyle. Until I met someone that I thought would be just a hook up. Turned out to be a person I connected with like never before and made me realise there is someone out there just like me and felt like the prospects of a life partner. There was no way a relationship could work with me being in the closet, so I made a decision to come out. I would never suggest coming out for the benefit of someone else, but this was the push I needed to make the jump to wake up to myself and live my life authentically.
We met at 25, I came out slowly to friends and family in the following two years (he was good enough to stick by me and put up with my bulls**t and drama and emotional breakdowns during the whole process)
#26
I was 57 when I came out to my wife and kids. Divorced right after and have not regretted it at all. Yes. I always knew. I thought getting married would “cure” me. It didn’t BUT I have 4 awesome kids out of it so it was not a huge waste.
#27
Happiness, boredom, meaning of life.
When your day to day stuff doesn’t make sense, the rest doesn’t either.
To be precise, I came out in my early 20s, came back to the closet, multiple times. I was and still attracted to women, but what brings me happiness and meaning is to live my life with a man. It took me a while to figure this out and it’s the kind of thing that makes total sense only when you go through it and end up on the other side.... at least it was the process for me. :)
#28
I came out at 32 after 2 failed marriages in a period of less than 5 years. I realized that there were signs that I repressed because of various reasons such as growing up at a time when being gau wasn't as accepted as it is now.
#29
In the late 90s/early 2000s and then in Europe in the mid 2000s it seemed to snowball. I came out in 1999 at the age of 15 to my friends. I also had amazing highschool friends- I was in a crew of like 10 straight super chill boys who were wicked smart, all atheists and then me the previously über-religious but then realised he was gay kid. Total acceptance from those guys, (and the girls I became friends with too). That early acceptance stayed with me my whole life- I was phenomenally lucky with my school year because it was right on the cusp. I haven't seen any of those guys for years. Most people I know came out in their early twenties. I haven't met very many guys who came out later, it must be a huge shift.
Tyler B 2 years ago
I had a bad argument with my girlfriend. We broke up. I took that time to accept who I really was. I first came out to my employer and a couple of friends as gay. I'm Bi. Then after some thinking and courage I came out as Transgendered. I have received little to know support except from people who think it's a fetish. I had a bit of break down and lost all my confidence, but I'm back on track now. I'm still, and always will be a smart-ass jerk, but.....2 years after I came out, my ex strutted with me down the street in the Toronto gay pride parade! Your family may not support you, but you'll meet people who will.
What do you think ?
Summer Mason 2 years ago
I wish people had a better understanding that "gay" doesn't change that person, just who they sleep with and that's really none of your damn business any ways. I love all my friends and family who regurd themselves with the lgbqt+ community and still believe in God. Its not hard to not hate people. I promise.
Ripley Dog 2 years ago (edited)
When our kid came out as Trans our response was "good for you! You still have to put away the dishes and then we'll talk." Even though his dad and I have been super supportive, his mom took awhile to accept it.
Carol Emory 2 years ago (edited)
I had a former boss that was gay. He told me that he would not tolerate the Monday sickness that came from a weekend of drinking. He told me he used to do that so he knew what to look for. He was a recovering alcoholic. I said "was that due to a struggle to come out." He said "Absolutely! I fought it for years because I didn't know how my parents would handle it. It finally came to a head when I lost it at work on a female customer, quit my job and checked into rehab. I finally came out to my parents and they said they suspected all along. Although they are disappointed that grandkids might not be in the future, they just wanted me to be happy. Haven't touched a drop of booze since." He was married to a wonderful man. I'd see them fuss at each other from time to time. Yep..they were married all right! LOL
not your average weirdo 2 years ago
I came out last year and I STILL don't know if my parents accept me. They say transphobic/acephobic things a lot but say they support :/
InfectedVoice 2 years ago
My cousin came out as gay when he was 17, he told me and I was like "yeah no s**t mate, I've known since you were about 4, pint?".
KimB 2 years ago
My cousin came out to me first (I was 23 he was 38 at the time) . He was so afraid that our Catholic family wouldn't accept him so he made me promise not to tell anyone and I never did when he finally met his partner (they're still together) and moved in with him he sorta came out but the family refers to him as his "roommate". We don't say the word "gay" because his father (my uncle) is a Catholic deacon but we all know and we love them both.
Axolotl King 2 years ago
I'm only a few posts into the list and I've already seen multiple "We're still great friends, it was best for our family" etc. so idk where you got that from
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Amanda Reicha 2 years ago
Both of them came out and both of them are married to another man.
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Summer Mason 2 years ago
I wish people had a better understanding that "gay" doesn't change that person, just who they sleep with and that's really none of your damn business any ways. I love all my friends and family who regurd themselves with the lgbqt+ community and still believe in God. Its not hard to not hate people. I promise.
Ripley Dog 2 years ago (edited)
When our kid came out as Trans our response was "good for you! You still have to put away the dishes and then we'll talk." Even though his dad and I have been super supportive, his mom took awhile to accept it.
Carol Emory 2 years ago (edited)
I had a former boss that was gay. He told me that he would not tolerate the Monday sickness that came from a weekend of drinking. He told me he used to do that so he knew what to look for. He was a recovering alcoholic. I said "was that due to a struggle to come out." He said "Absolutely! I fought it for years because I didn't know how my parents would handle it. It finally came to a head when I lost it at work on a female customer, quit my job and checked into rehab. I finally came out to my parents and they said they suspected all along. Although they are disappointed that grandkids might not be in the future, they just wanted me to be happy. Haven't touched a drop of booze since." He was married to a wonderful man. I'd see them fuss at each other from time to time. Yep..they were married all right! LOL
not your average weirdo 2 years ago
I came out last year and I STILL don't know if my parents accept me. They say transphobic/acephobic things a lot but say they support :/
InfectedVoice 2 years ago
My cousin came out as gay when he was 17, he told me and I was like "yeah no s**t mate, I've known since you were about 4, pint?".
KimB 2 years ago
My cousin came out to me first (I was 23 he was 38 at the time) . He was so afraid that our Catholic family wouldn't accept him so he made me promise not to tell anyone and I never did when he finally met his partner (they're still together) and moved in with him he sorta came out but the family refers to him as his "roommate". We don't say the word "gay" because his father (my uncle) is a Catholic deacon but we all know and we love them both.
Axolotl King 2 years ago
I'm only a few posts into the list and I've already seen multiple "We're still great friends, it was best for our family" etc. so idk where you got that from
Load More Replies... Amanda Reicha 2 years ago
Both of them came out and both of them are married to another man.
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