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Not all of us have been blessed with superb humor or wit as sharp as a whip. Most of us feel caught off-guard when there's a necessity to deliver a funny reconnaissance in a conversation or brighten up the mood. So much so that you might find yourself in very awkward situations, lacking not only funny things to say but things to say at all! Luckily, this pain is shared among many, and plenty of options exist to get out of such a pickle. One of them is to read this list where we've rounded up all the funny expressions. Learn them by heart and use them as a safety net if needed. 

You might even use these funny sayings as conversation starters, but be sure to read the room carefully before you do. They might work the best with the people you already know, but those who don't take risks don't drink champagne. Or don't find themselves in a socially awkward situations.

So, dust off your notebook and search for a pen (one that you most likely got for being a loyal customer of your local Chinese joint) to jot down these hilarious, funny random things to say in a conversation. Give the conversion topic you liked the most your vote, and share this article with anyone you'd like!

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#1

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Auto-correct should have been named more precisely as auto-assume.

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#2

After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

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#3

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. But a warm seat in a public restroom is worse.

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#4

Why aren’t shorts half the price of pants?

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#5

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.

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What Are Some Funny Phrases to Say When You're Not Sure How to Respond?

Conversing for those less fortunate in the social world might be hard. It's times like these when funny phrases or silly quotes come into play. Also, nothing will ever beat a batch of funny work quotes if you're at the office.

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But there are also occasions when any of the funny sayings will work. So, if you're stuck in a void of awkward silence, try out some trivia questions or spit out a random fact to get the conversation back on track.
#6

I clean my house almost every day. I almost cleaned on Monday, almost cleaned it on Tuesday, almost cleaned it on Wednesday…

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#7

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’

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#8

Time is the best teacher of all. Too bad it kills all its students.

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#9

LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."

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#10

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk.

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Lyz
Lyz
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's okay we are slowly eliminating water too f**k all liquids

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#11

I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.

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#12

If you’re the kind of person that has no good luck, when you see the light at the end of the tunnel… run, because the train is coming.

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#13

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Don't worry if plan A fails. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet!

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#14

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

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#15

A birth certificate could easily be called a baby receipt.

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Stacy M
Stacy M
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2 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

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What Are Some Funny Expressions to Say After Answering the Phone?

Answering our phones is something we do regularly without giving it much thought; however, you can spice up even that. Get some hilarious quotes out, which are more than welcome to include references to anime TV series, Marvel action movies, etc. You can also use these neutral, funny phrases when answering the phone:

  • "Go ahead, caller, you're on the air!"
  • "Bob's crematorium, you kill 'em, we grill 'em."
  • "This is me, is this you?"
  • "Goodbye."
  • "Hippity Hoppity, what's Poppity?"
  • "Is it done?"

Of course, don't go answering phones in your office with a "moshi moshi"; that probably wouldn't get you an "employee of the month" award. But to your friends and family, it would be an excellent start to a conversation.
#16

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show 9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I’m crazy. The tenth is just playing drums.

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#17

My head is very slowly 3D printing my hair.

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#18

If you put one lasagna on top of another one, you still have just one lasagna.

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Cameron Carpenter
Cameron Carpenter
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

same only one file:///media/fuse/drivefs-df0abe3c0f4adff35a37e7ca4c0352c7/root/images%20(74).jpeg

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#19

There is too much emphasis on the early bird's good luck and not enough on the early worm's bad luck.

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#20

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show If you think no one cares whether you're alive or dead, just skip a handful of credit card payments.

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#21

If we were on a plane about to crash and only had one parachute, I promise I'd give an amazing speech at your funeral.

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#22

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Just take my advice because I’m not going to use it.

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John Lattanzio
John Lattanzio
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Personally, I learn from the mistakes of people who take my advice...

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#23

I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

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#24

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s just impossible to put down.

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#25

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Earth is like the insane asylum for the universe.

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What Are Some Funny Random Things to Say in a Conversation After Starting With "Guess What"?

You never know what to expect after hearing "Guess what?". It might be some excellent news, a revelation, or something so out of context that you struggle to understand. And that's the joy of it! The suspense following the inquiry and the relief after finally finding out what's that "what." You can serve up something new in your life this way, dashing it with a little bit of comedy quotes and spicing up the otherwise regular conversation.

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#26

It's difficult to do nothing because you never know when you're done.

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#27

Refusing to go to the gym is one of the best forms of resistance training.

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#28

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.

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#29

The devil shakes a pitchfork, the grim reaper swings a scythe… farming must be a big thing in hell.

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#30

If you lend someone money and never see them again, it was probably worth every penny.

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#31

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show A pessimist is someone who has spent too much time listening to optimists.

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Buren
Buren
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And atheist is someone who has spent time listening to the religious

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#32

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show I sold my vacuum cleaner because all it was doing was gathering dust.

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#33

I would really like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?

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#34

I had used up all of my sick leave, so I called in dead.

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#35

The secret for a good relationship is not having one.

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#36

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Isn't it strange that cigarettes are sold in gas stations, since smoking is prohibited there?

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Marek Čtrnáct
Marek Čtrnáct
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Some stores also sell toilet paper, yet have no place to try it!

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#37

Love must truly be blind because it can’t see me at all.

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#38

I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

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But Cheek
But Cheek
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Idk I kind of am but I keep thinking I’m not but people tell me I am but I don’t see it but I kind of do feel like I may be idk anymore

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#39

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one abandoned me, but the second did not.

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#40

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Running in place will get you nowhere fast.

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#41

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

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Dani Pret
Dani Pret
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The person that says this has a big problem and is gaslighting

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#42

Bullets are the only things on Earth that do their job after they’ve been fired.

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#43

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Whisper audibly to yourself while someone recalls an experience, “Just like in my dream!”

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#44

Dear math: please, be a grown up and solve your problems by yourself.

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#45

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Whiteboards really are remarkable.

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#46

Is a paper cut the tree’s way of getting back at you?

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Lyz
Lyz
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No. If they wanted revenge they would just hold their breath.

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#47

I've always thought air was free. That is, I did until I went out and bought a $3 bag of crisps.

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Bill
Bill
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2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That air is to protect the chips during shipment. Without it, you'd get a bag of crumbs.

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#48

I wonder how much money the phrase “Keep the change” cost me so far.

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#49

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Please excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.

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#50

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

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But Cheek
But Cheek
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That meme with the chubby kid you know you’ve seen it dont lie

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#51

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

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#52

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show I don't really need a hairstylist since my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

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#53

Why are apartments called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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#54

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if you throw it hard enough!

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#55

I don't understand how people can be so open-minded. Whenever I try, my brain keeps falling out.

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#56

Try calling someone just to tell them you can’t talk right now.

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#57

If a market is well stocked, is it called the stock market?

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Telepathetic
Telepathetic
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you own a lot of beef stock, chicken stock and vegetable stock are you a Bouillon-Aire ?

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#58

I was looking for the good side of life but concluded that life is a sphere.

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#59

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show The goal of golf is to play as little golf as possible.

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#60

If history repeats itself, I'm getting a pet dinosaur.

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#61

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let my wife sleep.

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#62

My friendship is not for sale, but we can talk about a short-term rental.

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#63

The next time you buy a donut, complain that there’s a hole in it.

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Glen Moore
Glen Moore
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Now, I've gotta get in my car, drive like 10 miles to Tim Hortons, just so I can use this joke, it took me like a month to finally use this one; when the cashier asks whether I would like my milk in a bag, I said "no, please just leave it in the jug", then I laughed and laughed and laughed

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#64

Dogs can't see inside your body, but CAT scan.

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#65

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a mural worth?

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#66

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show The first five days of the week are the toughest.

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Lyz
Lyz
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Liar. They are all basically filled with obligations and annoyance in different formats.

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#67

People don't notice my superpower, making myself invisible.

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#68

A balanced diet simply means having a pizza slice in each hand.

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#69

Barbie is so popular and yet, kids still buy friends for her.

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Brianna Bacic
Brianna Bacic
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But that's why she's so popular - can't be popular if they didn't make friends for her

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#70

You're in the wrong lane when everything is coming at you.

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Jessica Allred
Jessica Allred
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And even if you are in the right lane, you'll still get run over if you aren't moving forward.

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#71

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator if you're not supposed to eat at night?

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#72

If I won the prize of laziest person, I’d ask somebody to go get it for me.

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#73

There’s only one thing that is worse than waking up early: a holiday on a Sunday.

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#74

Tell a friend, “I had a dream about you last night. You did terrible things.”

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Kezza
Kezza
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You got a bunch of ps5 and sold them on ebay for twice the price

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#75

Always remember that you’re unique... just like everyone else is.

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Brianna Bacic
Brianna Bacic
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As Michael Scott would say - my mom says average people are the most special people and that's why God made so many of them!

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#76

I’m out of my mind. I’ll be back in five minutes.

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#77

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show It is impossible to dig half of a hole.

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Mason reimroc
Mason reimroc
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2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My grampa says "if it take u a day and a half to dig a hole and a half how long does it take u to dig half a hole".

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#78

I had a sweet side, but I ate it.

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#79

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show If nothing is impossible, then I’ve been doing the impossible for years.

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#80

My tallest finger loves giving people standing ovations.

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#81

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show A cookie a day keeps your sadness away, but an entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.

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#82

How does the non-stick coating stick to the pan?

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#83

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Whoever said you can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop!

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#84

The only thing I get out of Algebra is when I look at X and wonder Y.

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#85

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show I am not as think as you confused I am really!

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#86

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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#87

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show What if every country has its own ninjas but we only know about the Japanese ninjas because they are the worst?

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#88

Kids believe in fairy tales. I’ve moved on to soap operas and political speeches.

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#89

I took the road less traveled by. Thanks a lot, Google Maps!

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#90

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Every person should marry an archeologist, because the older person gets, the more they'll love them.

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#91

Is cardboard more board than card or more card than board?

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#92

If you are on a diet, the first three letters of that word are probably feeling pretty accurate right now.

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#93

I love that our easygoing friendship fits perfectly with my laziness.

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#94

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show If you lose a shoe, you’ve practically lost yourself two shoes.

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#95

Money is not everything. Don’t forget the gold, the diamonds, and property.

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#96

Giving up is for weak people. Be like me, don't even try.

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#97

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show In response to any suggestion, “But at what cost?”

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#98

A bed is basically a shelf for the body.

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#99

Gossipy? I’m just an historian of other people’s lives!

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#100

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show I am a great housekeeper. Every time I leave someone, I keep their house.

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#101

I promise to step on your feet if you dance with me.

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#102

I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once.

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#103

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show A bag of money can represent not only wealth, but also massive inflation.

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lysondranichole avatar
Lyz
Lyz
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'd like to figure out what a bag of pennies is actually worth.

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#104

I said ‘No’ to drugs, but they wouldn’t listen.

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Kezza
Kezza
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My drugs keep telling me to stop and I'm being strong and telling them NO, NEVER

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#105

I’ll have a bloody mary because they say it helps cure hangovers.

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#106

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show My hair hurts.

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Muhammad Farabi
Muhammad Farabi
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In Quebec/France you'd say this if you have a hangover (mal de cheveux)

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#107

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Don’t beat yourself up. A new beginning is only a new chance for failure.

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Lyz
Lyz
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Low expectations and pizza in bed... secret to happiness

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#108

If hamburger meat makes a meatloaf, then laziness will make me-a-loaf.

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#109

I am going to get my toe nail-pierced this Friday.

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#110

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show I tried rearranging the alphabet, but for some reason, the letters U and I would never separate.

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#111

What is the soul good for if laughter is good for the soul?

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#112

If I tried to look as attractive as all of the celebrities I like, I'd end up looking about as ugly as I am.

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#113

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show I’d be happy to give you a shoulder to cry on, except I don’t want my shoulder to get wet.

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#114

Every single thing in this world is either a motorbike or not a motorbike.

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#115

Laziness is the mother of all vices, and as a mother, she deserves to be respected.

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#116

Please don’t eat that in my presence. I get sympathy gas.

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#117

I'm so glad we have brown cows, otherwise there wouldn’t be any chocolate milk.

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#118

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Except for a parking meter, change is inevitable.

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#119

If someone gets plastered just where do you find the plaster?

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Jessica Allred
Jessica Allred
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's at the bottom of the glass. The more they drink the more plastered they become.

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#120

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

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Marek Čtrnáct
Marek Čtrnáct
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is there any word in English that IS? The unholy alliance of Gutenberg and Shakespeare broke the language long ago.

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#121

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Is there a connection between candy corn and corn nuts?

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#122

Those who sneezes are the most blessed.

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#123

Is a heart attack the same as an attack of the heart?

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#124

126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s exactly what you are looking for, go live with a car battery.

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Jessica Allred
Jessica Allred
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Except that you have an estimate for how long the battery will last. And they're a lot less expensive to replace.

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#125

Why aren't coffees served on a coffee table?

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Caliban Taylor
Caliban Taylor
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They used to be! You can see how they used to be used in Golden Girls reruns!

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#126

How can you scoot along if you don’t have a scooter?

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