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First of all - congrats! Felicitations on your part for finally admitting to yourself that you are, in fact, an adult, and things like funny text jokes for adults are your thang now. Sure, at first glance, these text jokes might seem the same as the ones you’ve seen before, but these have adult added in the description. This might not mean that they’re more serious in any way, but it also might. They might seem even less funny to some, but those might not have reached their peak adultness at the time of reading. In any case, you be the judge and tell us what you think about our collection of funny short jokes for adults to text once you finish reading them.
Why are we accentuating the adult part here? Well, for starters, we know that you’re still one of those rara avises who still sends text messages. What’s up with the youngsters and their FaceTimes and voice messages anyway? Isn’t texting supposed to be at least in part anonymous? Pffft, either they are getting it all wrong, or we are starting to be a bit outdated. Definitely not the latter, though. Also, if you’re sending a voice message, it leaves no room for some good ole fun like inserting these text jokes. Without them, a message is just meh. And if you agree with us, continue reading until you finally reach the funny text jokes that lie just a bit further down.
Still here? Well then, thanks for reading! However, once you do find your way to the funny text jokes, be sure to give the best jokes your vote. This way, they’ll find their way to the top of this list! After that is all well and done, share these funny text messages with your friends. Or just, like, you know, send them via messenger.
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#1
A guy knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
RELATED:
#2
I used to think I was indecisive.
But now I’m not so sure.
#3
Just got fired from my job as a set designer.
I left without making a scene.
#4
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
#7
I’m a nobody. Nobody is perfect.
Therefore I’m perfect.
#11
When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
#13
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
#14
Did you know that Napoleon Bonaparte never said ‘thank you’ to anyone?
Yeah, it’s because he couldn’t speak English.
#15
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
#16
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
#17
Light travels faster than sound.
That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
#18
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
#19
Always borrow money from a pessimist.
They’ll never expect it back.
#21
Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
#22
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
#23
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
#24
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
#25
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts.’
Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
#26
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
#27
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
#29
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
#30
Did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut!
#32
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
#33
It was an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
#35
The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.
#36
Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.
#37
How do you fix a broken tomato?
Tomato paste!
#39
Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
#40
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
#41
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
#44
You can't trust atoms.
They make up everything!
UpQuarkDownQuark 2 years ago
Well, except for dark matter, dark energy, photons, neutrinos, kaons, mesons, bosons...🙂 /end pedantism
#46
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved!
#48
There are three kinds of people in this world.
Those who can count and those who can’t.
UpQuarkDownQuark 2 years ago
There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
#49
Always remember – you’re unique.
Just like everyone else.
#51
Did you know the Pentagon was originally going to just be a square but the contractor kept cutting corners?
#52
Never argue with a fool.
They’ll lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.
#55
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
Jayne Brown 2 years ago
They used to say money talks but these days it just goes without saying.
#56
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
#59
Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
#61
A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…
#66
What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent and Nickleback.
#67
What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?
One less drunk.
#68
Why are pirates called pirates?
‘Cause they arrr!
#73
I always take life with a grain of salt.
And a slice of lemon.
And a shot of tequila.
#78
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the barking lot!
#81
What's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty!
#86
I always say no to alcohol.
It just doesn’t listen.
#87
If you jogged backwards would you gain weight?
#88
I went to a beekeeper to buy a dozen bees.
He counted out 13 and gave them to me.
So, being an honest person I told him, “Sir, you gave me one too many!”
He looked at me and said, “That one’s a freebie!”
#90
A couple of cannibals are having lunch.
One says to the other, “Man, I hate your mother.”
The other says, “Try the potatoes, then.”
#93
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
#96
Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.
#111
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
#114
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
#119
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
#122
Two men walk into a bar.
The third one ducks!
#125
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
#130
Two blondes walk into a building…
You’d think one of them would have seen it.
#131
So a baby seal walks into a club…
#133
I ordered a chicken and an egg online.
I’ll let you know.
#134
What’s the difference between a steak and a shooting star?
One’s meaty, the other is a little meteor.
#136
I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park.
That is wrong on so many levels.
#140
Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.
#152
What do quantum whales eat? Planck-ton.
#169
What animal do you look like when you get in the bath?
A little bear.
#171
God made man and then rested.
God made women and then no one rested.
James Wood 10 months ago
The Guiness Book of World Records entry for the longest drum solo was 14 hours and 23 minutes, and was awarded to the kid sitting behind me on United flight 284 from New York to Tokyo.
What do you think ?
Bill Allen 2 years ago
Store clerk to me: Did you find everything? Me: I wasn’t looking for everything.
Bill Allen 2 years ago
Store clerk to me: Did you find everything? Me: I wasn’t looking for everything.
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