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First of all - congrats! Felicitations on your part for finally admitting to yourself that you are, in fact, an adult, and things like funny text jokes for adults are your thang now. Sure, at first glance, these text jokes might seem the same as the ones you’ve seen before, but these have adult added in the description. This might not mean that they’re more serious in any way, but it also might. They might seem even less funny to some, but those might not have reached their peak adultness at the time of reading. In any case, you be the judge and tell us what you think about our collection of funny short jokes for adults to text once you finish reading them. 

Why are we accentuating the adult part here? Well, for starters, we know that you’re still one of those rara avises who still sends text messages. What’s up with the youngsters and their FaceTimes and voice messages anyway? Isn’t texting supposed to be at least in part anonymous? Pffft, either they are getting it all wrong, or we are starting to be a bit outdated. Definitely not the latter, though. Also, if you’re sending a voice message, it leaves no room for some good ole fun like inserting these text jokes. Without them, a message is just meh. And if you agree with us, continue reading until you finally reach the funny text jokes that lie just a bit further down.

Still here? Well then, thanks for reading! However, once you do find your way to the funny text jokes, be sure to give the best jokes your vote. This way, they’ll find their way to the top of this list! After that is all well and done, share these funny text messages with your friends. Or just, like, you know, send them via messenger. 

#1

Text joke about donating to a swimming pool with a humorous twist. A guy knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

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#3

Just got fired from my job as a set designer.

I left without making a scene.

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#4

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

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#6

My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge.

We’ll see about that.

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#8

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

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Harry Hwt
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'll explain it's hypothetical that there are no hypothetical situations

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#9

I'm reading an antigravity book.

It's impossible to put down!

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#10

Text joke on a beige background reads, "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck." I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

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#12

Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?

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#13

Text joke on a tan background: "When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder." When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.

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#14

Did you know that Napoleon Bonaparte never said ‘thank you’ to anyone?

Yeah, it’s because he couldn’t speak English.

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#16

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

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#17

Funny text joke about light traveling faster than sound, humorously explaining why some people seem bright. Light travels faster than sound.

That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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#18

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

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#19

Always borrow money from a pessimist.

They’ll never expect it back.

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#20

Text joke: "What does a baby computer call its father? Data." Humorous tech-themed joke. What does a baby computer call its father?

Data.

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#21

Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

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#22

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

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#23

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

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#25

Text joke about mismatched gloves, emphasizing humor and wordplay for adults. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts.’

Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

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Harry Hwt
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'll explain If it feels wrong is because it's a left and not right

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#26

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

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#27

I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

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#28

You’ll never guess who I bumped into on my way to the opticians.

Everyone.

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#29

Text joke on beige background: "I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me." I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

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#30

Did you get a haircut?

No, I got them all cut!

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#31

Aim for the stars.

But first, aim for their bodyguards.

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#32

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers here.”

A time traveller walks into a bar.

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#33

Text joke on a beige background: "It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers." It was an emotional wedding.

Even the cake was in tiers.

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#34

Four fonts walk into a bar.

The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’

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#35

The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.

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#36

Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.

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#37

Funny text joke about fixing a broken tomato with tomato paste. How do you fix a broken tomato?

Tomato paste!

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#38

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

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#39

Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

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#40

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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#41

Funny text joke for adults: "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes..." Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

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#42

Funny text joke about the best time on a clock. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

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#43

A book fell on my head the other day.

I only have my shelf to blame though.

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#44

Funny text joke about atoms making up everything, on a tan background. You can't trust atoms.

They make up everything!

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UpQuarkDownQuark
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well, except for dark matter, dark energy, photons, neutrinos, kaons, mesons, bosons...🙂 /end pedantism

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#45

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!

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#46

What did the ocean say to the shore?

Nothing, it just waved!

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#47

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense!

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#48

There are three kinds of people in this world.

Those who can count and those who can’t.

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UpQuarkDownQuark
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.

#49

Funny text joke about uniqueness on a brown background. Always remember – you’re unique.

Just like everyone else.

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#50

I never make mistakes…

I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

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#51

Did you know the Pentagon was originally going to just be a square but the contractor kept cutting corners?

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#52

Never argue with a fool.

They’ll lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.

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#53

Funny text joke about installing mirrors with a humorous twist. Install mirrors?

Now that’s a job I can see myself doing!

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#54

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

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#55

I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’

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Jayne Brown
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They used to say money talks but these days it just goes without saying.

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#56

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

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#57

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

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#58

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family.

It’s that no one runs in your family.

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#59

Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.

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#60

Funny text joke about electricity with a pun on "Watt." My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’

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#61

A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…

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Lynette Vella
Community Member
2 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

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#62

Why do mushrooms get invited to all the best parties?

Because they are such fungis!

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#63

Can February March?

No, but April May!

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#64

Why did the hipster burn his tongue on coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool!

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#65

Text joke displayed: "What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships!" What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships!

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#66

What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent and Nickleback.

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#67

What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?

One less drunk.

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#68

Why are pirates called pirates?

‘Cause they arrr!

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#69

Text joke about Cain and Able on a beige background with a Bored Panda logo. How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Able.

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#70

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy.

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#72

What do you call a magician without magic?

Ian.

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#73

Funny text joke about taking life with salt, lemon, and tequila drink, on a beige background. I always take life with a grain of salt.

And a slice of lemon.

And a shot of tequila.

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#74

Blunt pencils are really pointless.

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#75

Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.

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#76

The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP.

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#77

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

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#79

Why don't eggs tell each other jokes?

They'd crack each other up!

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#80

Text joke about ocean cleaning with "mer-maids" pun on a beige background. Who cleans the ocean?

Mer-maids!

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#81

What's the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty!

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#82

Why don't people like Russian dolls?

Because they are full of themselves!

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#83

I used to hate facial hair.

But then it grew on me!

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#84

Funny text joke about students eating homework because it was a "piece of cake". Why did the students eat their homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!

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#85

What do you call an American bee?

A USB!

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#86

I always say no to alcohol.

It just doesn’t listen.

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#87

Funny text joke on a yellow background: "If you jogged backwards would you gain weight?" If you jogged backwards would you gain weight?

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#88

I went to a beekeeper to buy a dozen bees.
He counted out 13 and gave them to me.
So, being an honest person I told him, “Sir, you gave me one too many!”

He looked at me and said, “That one’s a freebie!”

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#89

Text joke on tan background: "What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted." What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

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#90

A couple of cannibals are having lunch.

One says to the other, “Man, I hate your mother.”

The other says, “Try the potatoes, then.”

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#91

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

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#92

My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.

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#93

Text joke about selfie sticks users needing a long look at themselves. People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

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James Wood
Community Member
9 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wouldn't a better name for a selfie stick be a "Narcissis-Stick?"

#94

Two fish are in a tank.

One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’

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#95

Just burned 2,000 calories.

That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

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#96

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.

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#97

Text joke about orthopedic shoes on a beige background with Bored Panda logo. I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

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#98

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

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#99

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

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#100

Two Wi-Fi engineers got married.

The reception was fantastic.

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#101

Funny text joke about an exorcist and repossession on a beige background. If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

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#102

What kind of cheese doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese!

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#103

What do you call a cold dog?

A chili dog!

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#104

Why did the farmer win an award?

He was out standing in his field!

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#105

Text joke on a beige background: "Why do birds fly south? It's easier than walking!" Why do birds fly south?

It's easier than walking!

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#106

Do you think..

Earth makes fun of other planets for having no life?!

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#107

Velcro…

It's such a rip-off!

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#108

You know what they say about cliffhangers…

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#109

Text joke for adults: "Who shaves 10 times a day but still has a beard? A barber!" Who shaves 10 times a day but still has a beard?

A barber!

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#110

Why don’t lobsters like sharing?

Because they’re shellfish.

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#111

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

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#112

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man.

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#113

Digital clock joke on a beige background, featuring a humorous text for adults. What did the digital clock say to it’s mom?

Look ma! No hands!

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#114

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

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#115

What do you call it when a chameleon can’t camouflage?

A reptile dysfunction.

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#116

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?

A maybe.

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#117

Funny text joke about Adam and Eve ignoring Apple terms and conditions on a yellow background. Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

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#118

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

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#119

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

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#120

The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

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#121

Funny text joke: "I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel." I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel.

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#122

Two men walk into a bar.

The third one ducks!

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Shelby P
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

3 nuns walk into a bar, 3rd one ducks... didn't want it to become a habit.

#123

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9!

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#124

What's the loneliest cheese?

ProvAlone!

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#125

Why do melons have weddings?

Because they cantaloupe!

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#126

Funny text joke about tomatoes with punchline "Ketchup!" written on a tan background. What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato?

Ketchup!

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#127

What kind of button doesn't button or unbutton?

A belly button!

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#128

Why can't you trust a burrito?

Because they tend to spill the beans!

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#129

Why is a carrot the best detective?

They get to the root of every case!

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#130

Two blondes walk into a building…

You’d think one of them would have seen it.

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#131

Funny text joke on a tan background: "So a baby seal walks into a club..." So a baby seal walks into a club…

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#132

Crime doesn’t pay…

Does that mean my job is a crime?

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#133

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

I’ll let you know.

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#134

What’s the difference between a steak and a shooting star?

One’s meaty, the other is a little meteor.

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#135

Text joke about traveling to Holland with a pun, set on a beige background. I would love to travel to Holland someday.

Wooden shoe?

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#136

I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park.

That is wrong on so many levels.

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#137

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

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#138

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the ceiling!

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#139

Text joke on a tan background: "The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast." The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.

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#140

Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.

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#141

Why do potatoes argue?

Because they can't see eye to eye!

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#142

Funny text joke about Dracula's dog being a bloodhound. What kind of dog does Dracula have?

A bloodhound!

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#143

Why did the cat run away from the tree?

It was afraid of the bark!

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#144

What's a plant's favorite drink?

Root beer!

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#145

What kind of songs do tortillas write?

Wraps!

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#146

Funny text joke about trampolines: "What's the best season for trampolines? Spring time!" What's the best season for trampolines?

Spring time!

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#147

Why did the gardener quit?

His celery wasn't high enough!

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#148

What do bees brush their hair with?

A honeycomb!

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#149

Where do snowmen keep their money?

In snowbanks!

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#150

Text joke in a beige frame: "I had a ploughman’s lunch today. He wasn’t very happy." I had a ploughman’s lunch today.

He wasn’t very happy.

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#151

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

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#152

What do quantum whales eat? Planck-ton.

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#153

Pavlov walks into a bar.

The phone rings, and he says, “I forgot to feed the dog.”

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#154

Funny text joke about sharks and attorneys on a beige background. Why don’t sharks eat drowning attorneys?

Professional courtesy.

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#155

Why do sharks swim in saltwater?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

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#156

A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’

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#157

My friend’s bakery burned down last night.

Now his business is toast.

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#158

Text joke image: "What did the hungry clock do? It went back 4 seconds." What did the hungry clock do?

It went back 4 seconds!

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#159

Why did the two 4s skip dinner?

They already 8!

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#160

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it!

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#161

Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a cornfield?

There are ears everywhere!

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#162

Funny text joke about a meditating wolf on a beige background. What do you call a meditating wolf?

Aware wolf!

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#163

Why did the walnut go out with a prune?

Because they couldn't find a date!

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#164

What are Mario’s overalls made of?

Denim-denim-denim!

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#165

Funny text joke: "Why isn’t your nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot." Why isn’t your nose 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

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#166

If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?

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#167

What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes?

Open toad sandals.

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#168

One of the cows didn’t produce milk today.

It was an udder failure.

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#169

Text joke card: "What animal do you look like when you get in the bath? A little bear." What animal do you look like when you get in the bath?

A little bear.

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#170

What do wooden whales eat? Plankton.

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#171

God made man and then rested.

God made women and then no one rested.

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James Wood
Community Member
9 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The Guiness Book of World Records entry for the longest drum solo was 14 hours and 23 minutes, and was awarded to the kid sitting behind me on United flight 284 from New York to Tokyo.