Mental health experts say that one of the pillars of strong relationships is honest communication. "Say what you mean" is the motto of healthy communication, yet we often hide behind walls of humor and sarcasm when talking to other people. With sarcasm, we say the opposite of what we mean, but why do we like it so much?

We may find sarcasm so attractive because we associate it with intelligence. Researchers already have found that we find intelligence attractive in a potential partner. Employing sarcasm in a way that doesn't veer off into bullying territory requires finesse and mental agility, making it more appealing.

Some research suggests that sarcasm requires and encourages creativity. Essentially, we view the expresser of a sarcastic comment as creative. At the same time, the recipient also needs some creativity in abstract thinking to understand it, thus implying that we might think of sarcasm as the highest form of intelligence.

People also think of sarcastic people as confident. Self-deprecating humor is often fueled by sarcasm about oneself, and people tend to think that those who can make fun of themselves even in the face of adversity are incredibly resilient. This may be true, as, during the pandemic, many people turned to humor and sarcasm in order to cope.

If there are so many good things about sarcasm, why do mental health experts often advise against using it? Probably because sarcasm is a troublesome beast to tame. When used incorrectly, sarcasm can often wound others and even end relationships. Sarcasm can easily veer into passive-aggressiveness, and that only brings trouble to relationships.

Anthony Smith, LMHC, writes for Psychology Today that sarcastic people can be emotionally stunted. Instead of expressing how they really feel, sarcastic folks hide behind sarcasm because they might be afraid of confrontation. "Oftentimes sarcastic, passive-aggressive souls don't want people getting close due to an inability to handle emotional intimacy," Smith writes.

Ironically, this often works: sarcastic comments usually push people away. As clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD, writes, no one feels emotionally safe next to a sarcastic person. "In that safety is a critical element for emotional intimacy, sarcasm and other verbally damaging behaviors make true intimacy impossible."

People like to poke fun at others under the guise of sarcasm. However, that can often backfire when the recipient 'misunderstands' the sarcastic phrase. The classic defense is "I'm just joking, relax" or "Don't be so sensitive, I'm just kidding". In reality, when a sarcastic joke or comment doesn't land, it's not the recipient being too sensitive. It's the speaker not being sensitive enough.

Tolerance and the ability to spot sarcasm don't increase with age, either. In 2016, researchers from the University of Aberdeen found that older folks usually take sarcastic comments literally. If someone says "You're on time, as usual", meaning "You're late. As usual", older people are more likely to miss the sarcastic intention.

How can we exorcise our inner Chandler Bing from ourselves and foster healthier communication skills? Amber Fuller, LMFT, recommends doing some reflection about why you need to be sarcastic in the first place. Is it about the fear of the conversation going south if you communicate your feelings directly? Do you perhaps think that stating how you feel makes you look weak? 

Whatever the reason is, when you feel you're about to make a passive-aggressive, sarcastic comment, remember to use "I" statements. Amber Fuller suggests the tips from Marshall Rosenberg's non-violent communications workbook. For example: "When I see that the house is in a mess again, I feel disrespected because my need for my hard work to be respected is not met. Would you be willing to put things in their designated places?"

How many of you, Pandas, are self-proclaimed kings or queens of sarcasm? Let us know your thoughts on this form of humor in the comments! Don't forget to upvote your favorite memes from Sadcastic, and, if you want to see more, head over here to find even more sarcastic and sad memes!