I'd love to find one of my husband

I vote for ice cream

Fair enough!

No. Definitely and unequivocally I totally never do that. *Narrator: Ripley absolutely does this*

Doing that right now. 😆

Great idea!

Uhh, someone need a to work on taking a hint...

Great... Just went to the cupboard 'cause I remember seeing a bag of chips in there. Must've already eaten them; they're not there now. So I'm eating cashew nuts instead...

Obviously, the way to please her in bed is to bring some chips.

They should have said "my name is chips"

Serves him right.

duh

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Not ugly at all

They did say "perfect".

yea he knew!!

Like how it says "We need to go to the gym", so she's calling herself out too!!

Issued in public interest.

The ultimate HR mic drop

Fair enough. 😊

Exactly, I love Mozart and I love rock and roll, so sue me.

I wou;'ve spit champagne out of my nose laughing

That's funny, but on the other hand; who knows??

She said "anyone" didn't she?? 😅

And so much butter it shines

made me snort

Feet, carts, horses and at most cows on one, built into softer ground so the stones could move and the sand could take the impact of the weight - other side trucks, cars the weight of baby elephants, non-stop, and a surface that does allow for way faster travel while at the same time not quite as good at dealing with the heavy and fast impacts... do you wanna go back to walking twenty miles into town?

apparently time is slower for dogs and since I found this out I try to be gone as little as possible

HOLY SH--

Due to a typo on a news page, I saw athletes trying to run 5000ml yesterday :)

Yeah, my overthinking hurt me way before you got here. You're just a re-run

"You're an adult, do it yourself!" wouldn't be the most responsible answer

In California the youngins say BRUH. That’s what we get for saying DUDE in the 90s.

We keep it wild for butterflies and bees

My cousin LOVED chocolate chip cookies as a toddler. My mom taught her that they were called sh!t. Uncle & aunt & cousin at fancy restaurant for anniversary. Waiters and waitresses ohhing and aching over cousin (blond curly hair, bright blue eyes, adorable). Time for dessert. When asked what she wanted, cousin sweetly says "Sh!t, please." Aunt mortified, Uncle calls my mom long distance from a payphone. "Truce, truce!". He had taught my sister to say "Damnit!" when someone told her no, or she didn't get her way. I can only imagine what he would have taught me!

I guess that’s what they get for reading their parent’s phone! 🤣

Uh-oh!

who?

At least it isn't a mechanical rhino.

Still better than monstrosities I have seen on bored panda.

Or when you have water stuck in your ears and you feel it finally drain while lying down

All the f*****g time!

Smooth

Same

Nope! I'm moving to Mars!!

Good luck! If my identity could get you money, don't you think I would have tried that by now?

Guest at restaurant: I'm gluten free, nut free, soy free, dairy free, sugar free and low carb/keto. What can I get? Every server ever: Dafuq out

had to sleep sitting up the other night cuz I couldn't go to sleep another way