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We can all come up with quite a number of savage comebacks, remarks, or just simply funny phrases to respond to someone. However, it’s usually too late, the conversation has ended, you’re in the shower, and it’s only the soap bar and shampoo bottles listening to you. Worry not! This list will provide you with the funniest comebacks and remarks, ready to use on the go.

If you ever wondered what kind of funny catchphrases you could use in a conversation with your friends, the options are limitless. Here on this list, gathered today are funny sayings. From hilarious one-liners expressing your innermost feelings to more creative and funny alternatives for the famous “hold my beer.”

There are also perfectly summed-up sentences about the struggles in life that we might experience, but of course, with a dash of comedy to add that spice into our lives that we might be missing.

So if you’re all out of funny phrases to say to your friends, dig into this list and expand your dictionary of snappy comebacks!

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#1

Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then it’s suspicious.

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Anonymous
Anonymous
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2 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

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#2

I’m sorry, I have to go. You’re boring me to death and my survival instincts are kicking in.

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#3

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion.

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AVGucky
AVGucky
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

...but recently I had a fight with myself, and now we don't talk...

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#4

Life is a bowl of soup, and I’m a fork.

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#5

Whoever said, “Out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.”

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#6

I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy, but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.

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#7

Any of us has the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they leave it.

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#8

I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.

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#9

When people tell me, “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver.

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Headless Roach
Headless Roach
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When you wake up sober on Monday morning, it's probably a Tuesday noon.

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#10

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?

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#11

Don’t vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones at the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

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#12

I stopped fighting my inner demons, we’re on the same side now.

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#13

My brain has too many tabs open.

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#14

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

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#15

Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.

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#16

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

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#17

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

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#18

Some days you’re the bird. Some days you’re the statue.

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AVGucky
AVGucky
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sometimes I think being reborn as a gull or pigeon could be fun

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#19

It might look like I’m doing nothing. But, in my head, I’m quite busy.

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Headless Roach
Headless Roach
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Doing nothing is actually exhausting - you never know when you're done

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#20

Beauty fades. Dumb is forever.

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#21

Don’t you tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

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#22

I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”—if it were a good morning, I’d still be sleeping and not talking to people!

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Headless Roach
Headless Roach
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My boss always begins with 'Good morning', and then he proceeds to tell me why it isn't.

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#23

I’m not sluggish. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

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#24

“Stressed” is just “desserts” spelled backwards.

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#25

As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.

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#26

I put the ‘pro’ in ‘procrastinate.’

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#27

They say don’t try this at home… so I went to my friend’s home!

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#28

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

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#29

I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.

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#30

Whatever you’re doing, always give 100 percent. Unless you’re donating blood.

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#31

Don’t you wish they made a clap-on-clap-off device for some people’s mouths?

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#32

Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it!

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#33

The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.

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#34

A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.

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#35

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

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#36

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

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axle f
axle f
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Advil is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't

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#37

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.

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#38

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

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axle f
axle f
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

a bank is a place that will give you money if you can prove you can take it

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#39

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

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#40

People say ‘Go big or go home’ like going home is a bad thing.

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#41

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.

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#42

If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.

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#43

Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.

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#44

Think nothing is impossible? Try slamming a revolving door.

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#45

He who laughs last, didn't get it.

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StitchIsCuteAndFluffy
StitchIsCuteAndFluffy
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sometimes I laugh but I don’t get the joke, it’s just ridiculously easy to make me laugh. Even if other people laugh and I don’t know why, I’ll laugh because they’re laughing. The rules do not apply to me!

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#46

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

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#47

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.

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#48

Dental-Chair Revelation: Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.

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General Spyro
General Spyro
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It’s never ‘Did you have a good day’, it’s , So how was your day today?’

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#49

Do not let your mind wander too much. It is too small for you to let it out alone.

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#50

I am an example to others. A bad example.

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#51

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

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axle f
axle f
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

your voices talk only to me because they know how jealous you are

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#52

I’d be offended, but I’m too busy mentally correcting your errors.

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#53

If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off of it!

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Headless Roach
Headless Roach
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Like from the edges, you mean? Damn, I wandered off to the dodgy corner of the internets again.

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#54

I do all my ironing in the dryer.

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#55

Chocolate doesn’t ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.

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#56

They say money doesn’t bring you happiness. Still, it is better to verify things for yourself.

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#57

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

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Headless Roach
Headless Roach
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I thought wine was the answer....... but i don't really remember what the question was

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#58

Don’t worry, if Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

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#59

I didn’t fall down. I did attack the floor, though.

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Kat Nt
Kat Nt
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I didn't "fall" because I'm clumsy, I just do random gravity checks

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#60

Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.

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Mingo Contraventum
Mingo Contraventum
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You're in real trouble if your arguing with yourself turns into a fist fight.

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#61

I’m not sleeping, I’m resting my eyelids.

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#62

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

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#63

World Magazine has come out with a new survey: Apparently, three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

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#64

Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.

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#65

Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.

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#66

The leading source of computer problems is computer solutions.

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Headless Roach
Headless Roach
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you think the problems I create are bad, wait to see my solutions!

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#67

The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second checkout lane.

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#68

Going to bed early. Not going to a party. Not leaving my house. My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.

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#69

I’m never wrong. I’m just different levels of right.

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#70

My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.

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#71

I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine!

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#72

I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.

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#73

My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

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axle f
axle f
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

if you two weren't always winding him up like you do...

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#74

A diamond is just a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

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#75

Cancel my subscription—I don’t need your issues.

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#76

I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.

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#77

How many times must I flush before you finally go away?

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#78

A broad smile is a cooler way of showing your enemies that you have teeth.

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#79

The road to success is always under construction.

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#80

They say crime doesn’t pay. So does my current job make me a criminal?

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#81

They say good, honest work never did anybody any harm, but I don’t want even the slightest risk.

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Headless Roach
Headless Roach
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

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#82

We can’t all be princesses. Someone has to wave when I roll by.

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#83

When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.

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#84

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

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#85

Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.

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#86

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

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#87

There are people who are living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.

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#88

My bed is a magical place I suddenly remember everything I had to do.

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#89

I don’t care what people think of me. Mosquitos find me attractive!

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#90

There’s no “we” in fries.

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#91

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

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#92

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.

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#93

Death is hereditary.

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#94

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

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Kat Nt
Kat Nt
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I had the right to remain silent, I just didn't have the ability.

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#95

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

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#96

According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.

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#97

He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

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#98

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade, find the person that life handed vodka to, and have a party.

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#99

Where there is a "will," there are 500 relatives.

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#100

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

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#101

Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.

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#102

If you can’t live without me, then why aren’t you dead yet?

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#103

God created the world. Everything else is made in China.

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General Spyro
General Spyro
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And all the electrical appliances and gadgets are made in Japan

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#104

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

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#105

I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.

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#106

Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are hell for your reputation.

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#107

Your bank account can always be overdrawn. It’ll never be overfilled.

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#108

I’m not ignoring the alarm clock, I’m waiting to see who breaks first.

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#109

I’m cooler than the other side of the pillow.

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#110

Never ask a starfish for directions.

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#111

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

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#112

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

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#113

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

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#114

I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid as cool as theirs, one who is smart, has devilishly good looks, and knows all sorts of funny sayings.

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#115

You know what they say—dynamite comes in small packages.

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#116

Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.

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#117

Do people talk about you behind your back?

Simply fart.

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#118

There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.

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#119

I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food. Where does pasta even live?

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#120

It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has avarage taste.

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#121

Want to know what it’s like to have the best kid in the world? You’ll have to ask Grandma and Grandpa.

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#122

With a face like yours, you have a good chance in a lawsuit against your parents.

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#123

Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms!

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#124

In the immortal words of Taylor Swift, I’m going to shake you off.

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#125

Everyone is today years old when they find out coriander is dead and dry cilantro.

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