ADVERTISEMENT

Argue all you want, but deep down inside, we all know that being a mom is the hardest job on the planet. Especially so if you're a mom to a human baby - the most imperfect of all mammal babies with its hairless skin, wicked thermoregulation, gassy tummy, poopy pants, and the inability to run from danger right after birth. See how much harder the task becomes when your baby is basically a helpless egg? Well, helpless but at least a terribly, incredibly, devastatingly adorable, life-changing, heavenly egg. But let's go back to the behemoth task of being a mom. As we've all agreed, it's incredibly hard, right? And what do you do with things in life that are fabulously arduous? You make fun of them, of course! So, to all the moms-to-be, the seasoned moms, and hopeful moms, we present our list of the funniest mom quotes that we could find! 

This is a real compendium of mom life troubles - from babies and their sharp nails lovingly scratching your face to blaming your farts on them; no topic is beyond limits in these mommy quotes. However, all of them carry the notion of a mother's love with it, so even the most hilarious jokes are really an expression of this all-encompassing love that a mother feels for her children. So, laugh at them all you want, Mom, without feeling any unease by amusing yourself about your little bundle of trouble! 

I guess you're on limited time here, Mom, so without any further ado, let's just skip right to the funny quotes. All of them are just a little bit further down, as they always are. Once you are there, vote for the cute mom quotes that you've enjoyed the most, but be sure to laugh quickly so as not to wake your sleeping angel! Also, don't forget to share these silly quotes with your friends, as they might need some comic relief from their duties, too. 

This post may include affiliate links.

#1

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you." - Nora Ephron

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
73points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#2

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable “The fastest land animal is a toddler with something in his mouth.”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
69points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#3

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
68points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#4

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "It's not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it." - Betty White

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
67points
Add photo comments
POST
juliahengstermann avatar
Julia Hengstermann
Julia Hengstermann
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Fathers are important too. I've seen a lot of single fathers who doing a great Job.

Vote comment up
17
17points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#5

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable “You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid that acts just like you.”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
67points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#6

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Stepping on a LEGO land mine at 4:30 a.m. while holding a baby and not falling should be an Olympic sport."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
67points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#7

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of food that my kid didn't finish…" - Carrie Underwood

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
66points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#8

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable “Bedtime is the leading cause of dehydration in children.”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
63points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#9

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "You know your life has changed when... going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
63points
Add photo comments
POST
hj934340 avatar
Hannah Mae Jensen
Hannah Mae Jensen
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah it can be nice sometimes I'm the oldest I long for a day where it would be just me and my mom. I've been longing for this for about 12 years now.

Vote comment up
7
7points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#10

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "My housekeeping style is best described as, 'There appears to have been a struggle.'"

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
62points
Add photo comments
POST
susangrady avatar
Susan Grady
Susan Grady
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Still is (only she’s 33 now and doesn’t live at home)!! Takes YEARS to undo that kind of training👶🏻👧🏻🧒🏻♥️♥️♥️

Vote comment up
5
5points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#11

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable “A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.” - Tenneva Jordan

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
61points
Add photo comments
POST
hj934340 avatar
Hannah Mae Jensen
Hannah Mae Jensen
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Or cutting the little ones in half because she knows if she gives them a whole peice they're gonna go nuts

Vote comment up
11
11points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#12

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "I hate it when I'm waiting for mom to cook dinner, then I remember that I am the mom."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
61points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#13

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable “Every time I say "no" my kids hear, "ask again, she didn't understand the question.”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
61points
Add photo comments
POST
gamergirlrad avatar
Arica Kimball
Arica Kimball
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My kids try to do that and i always interrupt by asking "what part of 'no' did you fail to comprehend?"

Vote comment up
10
10points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#14

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "The best way to get your children’s attention is to relax and look comfortable."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
60points
Add photo comments
POST
moutzouri-eirini avatar
boredpandaki
boredpandaki
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They do have this capacity to identify the minute -no, the second- you lay down to take a breath, I mean a slow deep relaxing breath

Vote comment up
16
16points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#15

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Being a parent is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
59points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#16

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "If at first, you don't succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you to do it from the start."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
56points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#17

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "The true test of patience is watching your child try to zip their coat themselves when you are running late."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
53points
Add photo comments
POST
#18

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Friend: Are you getting enough sleep? Me: Sometimes when I sneeze, my eyes close."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
53points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#19

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "I always say if you aren't yelling at your kids, you're not spending enough time with them." - Reese Witherspoon

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
51points
Add photo comments
POST
nichelegivand avatar
Nichele Givand
Nichele Givand
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Now see… a woman after my own heart. I know my toddler needs a hearing aid.

Vote comment up
5
5points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#20

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Today's goal: keep the tiny humans alive."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
51points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#21

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Child: "Mom, I'm scared there's a monster under my bed." Mom: "If there is a monster under your bed, please tell him to read you stories and get you drinks, it's about time he earned his keep."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
50points
Add photo comments
POST
hj934340 avatar
Hannah Mae Jensen
Hannah Mae Jensen
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah I'm pretty tired if doing all the work around here thanks mister monster

Vote comment up
6
6points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#22

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable “Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
47points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#23

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Some days, I amaze myself. Other days, I put the laundry in the refrigerator."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
46points
Add photo comments
POST
hj934340 avatar
Hannah Mae Jensen
Hannah Mae Jensen
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah my dad said Hannah can you find me a can opener I said here dad he said Hannah I asked for a can opener not a potato peeler... I said I know that then I looked back at him holding the potato peeler. I was like I'm never being a parent being a sister is exhausting.

Vote comment up
8
8points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#24

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "50 Shades Of Dark Circles Under My Eyes."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
45points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#25

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "English is my mom's second language, so instead of saying "It's my way or the highway" my mom says "My way is the highway."

reddit.com Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
45points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#26

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable “I slept in until 7:30 am this morning. The sink is clogged, the dog has a purple stripe down his back, and the chocolate cake is gone. So worth it.”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
44points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#27

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Have you ever just ignored your children when they said, "Mom," just to see how far they will go? So far we've made it to 256."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
44points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#28

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
43points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#29

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "I used to have functioning brain cells, but I traded them in for children."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
42points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#30

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Dear mom, thank you for keeping all the bad stuff I did from dad."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
41points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#31

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable “There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” - Jill Churchill

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
41points
Add photo comments
POST
#32

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "You wrestled a bear? Cool. I removed a splinter from a two year-old's finger. I think we're even."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
40points
Add photo comments
POST
hj934340 avatar
Hannah Mae Jensen
Hannah Mae Jensen
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So true little tip numb their finger with ice/ice pack before hand it really works

Vote comment up
7
7points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#33

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Having a second child is like riding a bike... except the bike has no brakes, it is speeding down a hill, and the tires are on fire."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
40points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#34

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "I'm unsure when my going to the bathroom turned into a family meeting, but I should definitely contact HR. Oh wait, that's me."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
40points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#35

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." - Sam Levenson

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
39points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#36

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Why don't kids understand that their nap is not for them but for us?" - Alyson Hannigan

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
39points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#37

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Two year-old referred to her coat pockets as "snack holes" and this is what I shall forever call them." - Rebecca Caprara

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
38points
Add photo comments
POST
hj934340 avatar
Hannah Mae Jensen
Hannah Mae Jensen
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You should check the bottom of those (snack holes) you don't know what you'll find.

Vote comment up
5
5points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#38

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says keep away from children." - Susan Savannah

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
38points
Add photo comments
POST
hj934340 avatar
Hannah Mae Jensen
Hannah Mae Jensen
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't know why mother's don't use that as an excuse when dad comes around the corner asking what are u doin?

Vote comment up
4
4points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#39

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Nothing pairs better with a long soak, candles, and wine than a four year-old pressed against the bathroom door repeating the phrase, "Mom, are you in there!"

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
38points
Add photo comments
POST
jennerbenner1 avatar
Jenny Blair
Jenny Blair
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Taking a bath right now and listening to my children yelling at each other.

Vote comment up
8
8points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#40

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable “Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
38points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#41

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "When your mom’s voice is so loud, even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
36points
Add photo comments
POST
summermason avatar
Summer Mason
Summer Mason
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yup. I yelled at my youngest to stop her crap, out in public and the guy behind us in his 70s went from chatting to carefully placing his groceries in order of bagging on the belt and put his head down and whispered yes mam. 💁‍♀️🤦‍♀️😖

Vote comment up
8
8points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#42

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable “I’ve been married 14 years and I have three kids. Obviously I breed well in captivity.” - Roseanne Barr

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
34points
Add photo comments
POST
#43

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "A mom only truly understands the meaning of rage when your child walks past everyone else in the house to find you in the bathroom to open their juice box."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
34points
Add photo comments
POST
annelijnrust avatar
Nijlenna Rusty
Nijlenna Rusty
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Or, when your child wakes you up at 3 in the morning to tell you he would like to have spaghetti for dinner today.

Vote comment up
7
7points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#44

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "No one told me I would be coming home in diapers, too." - Chrissy Teigen

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
33points
Add photo comments
POST
summermason avatar
Summer Mason
Summer Mason
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They just try to make it sexy by making them fishnet stockings cut up.....

Vote comment up
2
2points
Vote comment down
reply
#45

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable “My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'” - Paula Poundstone

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
32points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#46

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "My sister said once: 'Anything I don't want Mother to know, I don't even think of, if she's in the room.'" - Agatha Christie

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
31points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#47

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable “Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy.” - Michelle Pfeiffer

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
30points
Add photo comments
POST
#48

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Kids humble us. The other day on a flight home Olympia insisted on running up and down the aisle, and when I finally got her to sit still, she threw up all over me." - Serena Williams

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
29points
Add photo comments
POST
ann22 avatar
ann 22
ann 22
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Who is the mom and who is the child ? Parents are the boss or are suppose to be. I know if my parents told me evto sit down I did not out of fear but taught respect

Vote comment up
0
0points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#49

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "Stop saying 'we're pregnant.' You're not pregnant. Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady hole? No." - Mila Kunis

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
29points
Add photo comments
POST
alinacartulina avatar
Magda Schulz
Magda Schulz
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I personally wouldn't mind, my husband is the empathetic pain, puke, and other types of aches type of human... If he literally gets ill when "we're menstruating" (I have endometriosis, it's hell), we might as well be pregnant together 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Vote comment up
2
2points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#50

127 Funny Mom Quotes That Any Parent Will Find Relatable "I never thought in my life I would have to yell more than once, "Don't lick that." But I was wrong. Oh, how wrong I was."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
29points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#51

"Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn't sleep." - Shonda Rhimes

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
27points
Add photo comments
POST
#52

"After we got home from the hospital, I didn’t shower for a week, and then John and I were like, 'Let’s go out for dinner.’ I could last only about an hour because my boobs were exploding. When the milk first comes in, it’s like a tsunami. But we went, just to prove to ourselves that we could feel normal for a second." - Emily Blunt

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
27points
Add photo comments
POST
hj934340 avatar
Hannah Mae Jensen
Hannah Mae Jensen
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Here's a helpful tip if you can pump out milk before you leave and then while you're out wear breast feeding pads.

Vote comment up
3
3points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#53

“My kids are never better friends than when it's 30 minutes past bedtime and they won't stop giggling.”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
26points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#54

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” - Calvin Trillin

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
25points
Add photo comments
POST
#55

"I've conquered a lot of things ... blood clots in my lungs — twice ... knee and foot surgeries ... winning Grand Slams being down match point ... to name just a few, but I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller!" - Serena Williams

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
25points
Add photo comments
POST
#56

“I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can't find me until after high school."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
25points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#57

"If there is a tooth fairy, it only seems fair that there should be a wine fairy and a laundry fairy. Kids shouldn't get all the magic."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
25points
Add photo comments
POST
#58

"You know you're a mom when you stop daydreaming about a million dollars and start daydreaming about how amazing it would be to go to the bathroom alone."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
25points
Add photo comments
POST
s_r-brainbox avatar
Pizzagirl 91
Pizzagirl 91
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well, you don't *stop* daydreaming about a million dollars, you just start planning how you'd get a designated "let me poo in peace"-nanny and a household help first.

Vote comment up
0
0points
Vote comment down
reply
#59

"When you become a mother of toddlers, your biggest fear suddenly becomes running out of cheese sticks and chicken nuggets."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
25points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#60

"My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
25points
Add photo comments
POST
#61

"It’s the best acting of my life right here, the well-rested woman. It’s my finest role." - Kerry Washington

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
24points
Add photo comments
POST
amyjohoppins avatar
Amy Jo Hoppins
Amy Jo Hoppins
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Always behaving as though one has their whits about them, well rested, filled with patience, endless patience, soft spoken, endless tenderness, and all smiles and gentleness til they are asleep..then tears 😭 I failed as a mother. I failed. Jordan, Corban, Paul Cooper - I am sorry that I failed so miserably to protect you from my own mother, your fathers, and their mothers and fathers. I am so filled with regret for not having run off with you to save you from their abuse. I am sorry. 😞

Vote comment up
1
1point
Vote comment down
reply
ADVERTISEMENT
#62

"Woke up to two toddlers and a kitchen covered in flour. But I slept until 7 a.m. so we are going to call that a win."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
24points
Add photo comments
POST
#63

“My mother, she is beautiful, softened at the edges, and tempered with a spine of steel. I want to grow old and be like her.” - Jodi Picoult

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
24points
Add photo comments
POST
#64

“I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.” - Calvin

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
24points
Add photo comments
POST
lilowatkins-spam avatar
Isaac
Isaac
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And yet, the American healthcare system, making you pay for the kid they won't let you abort........

Vote comment up
8
8points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#65

"Children are like crazy, drunken small people in your house." - Julie Bowen

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
23points
Add photo comments
POST
#66

"Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I'm looking forward to investigating in the future." - Amy Poehler

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#67

"Motherhood: feeding them as a baby and then through most of their twenties."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
kayblue avatar
Kay blue
Kay blue
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Mine drove half an hour to my house because she couldn't be bothered to cook and hoped I would feed her.

Vote comment up
6
6points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#68

"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway." - Erma Bombeck

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
#69

"I've learned that it's way harder to be a baby. For instance, I haven't thrown up since the '90s and she's thrown up twice since we started this interview." - Eva Mendes

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
#70

"Meditation is my thing. But I’m not going to lie: sometimes I go into my closet and lock the door so no one can find me." - Gwen Stefani

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#71

"I didn't full wrap my head around the fact that there would be a person at the end of it. I read endlessly about pregnancy and what to eat and what not to eat. And then I sort of prepared not at all for the actual baby." - Ellie Kemper

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
arinadijkgraaf avatar
Arina Dijkgraaf
Arina Dijkgraaf
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You can't.. When you deliver your first baby into this world for the first time it's a lsd rollercoaster.. Then you know.. But only then..

Vote comment up
1
1point
Vote comment down
reply
#72

“Motherhood is tough. If you just want a wonderful little creature to love, you can get a puppy.” - Barbara Walters

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
arinadijkgraaf avatar
Arina Dijkgraaf
Arina Dijkgraaf
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah.. A dog is basically a 3/4 year old that just HAS TO listen.. So much easier..

Vote comment up
2
2points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#73

"A mother is the person you can always call to see how long chicken lasts in the fridge."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
#74

“How do I explain [my mom]? She is as respected as Mother Theresa, as powerful as Stalin, and as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.” - Leslie Knope

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#75

“My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
21points
Add photo comments
POST
#76

"You never know when you're gonna get crapped on or when you're gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics. It might be like living with a drug addict." - Blake Lively

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
21points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#77

“Million-dollar beauty product: face cream called ‘Before Kids.'”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
21points
Add photo comments
POST
#78

"You can have eight hours of sleep, or you can have children. You cannot, in fact, have both."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
20points
Add photo comments
POST
nichelegivand avatar
Nichele Givand
Nichele Givand
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 this is me trying to have both!

Vote comment up
2
2points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#79

"Ah, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts." - Tina Fey

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
susangrady avatar
Susan Grady
Susan Grady
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

According to Ma, she never faahhted day in her life💨!! (That’s a New England faaht)

Vote comment up
3
3points
Vote comment down
reply
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#80

"A suburban mother's role is to deliver children; obstetrically once and by car forever after." - Peter De Vries

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
#81

"A mother need only step into the shower to be instantly reassured she is indispensable to every member of her family." - Lynne Williams

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
#82

"Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease." - Lisa Alther

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
#83

"Motherhood is basically finding activities for children in three-hour pockets of time for the rest of your life." - Mindy Kaling

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
nomadanshelm avatar
NOMAD Anshelm
NOMAD Anshelm
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mother just opened the front door in the morning and said "dinner is at 3". Normally we all went down to the creek in the woods and built tree houses, afternoons we played soccer, basketball and street hockey and in the eavnings we went over to one of the guys we had been playing with and played Nintendo. Then I came home. My mother never had to find any activities for me or my siblings, we found our own activities... As did all the other children. Imagine having to play on schedual as a child, what a tragic existence. So glad I'm not American.

Vote comment up
2
2points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#84

“Having kids is just like college. You’re up all night, there is lots of puking, and you’re perpetually broke.”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#85

"If you enjoy a clean home, relaxing weekends, and long romantic meals, then parenthood isn't for you."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#86

"One of the simple pleasures of parenting is locking yourself in the bathroom with a handful of your children's Halloween candy."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
#87

"The first five years of parenthood is like a 2 a.m. game of Twister in your bed. And you are always the loser."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
#88

"That brown stain on your fingers could be chocolate, but it's also just as likely not to be. Better not risk it."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
s_r-brainbox avatar
Pizzagirl 91
Pizzagirl 91
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I never understood how everyone seems to be getting sh*t all over themselves and the flat without noticing. When I change my twins' diapers, I wipe them and my hands and whatever might have had contact with their droppings. When they went on their potties, it's the same. I only ever had to wipe something that wasn't usually wiped when they once inexplicably got into the diaper bin while I was taking a shower, and they shared their full diapers like Nutella sandwiches... But even then, I cleaned everything, I'm very sure.

Vote comment up
0
0points
Vote comment down
reply
#89

“Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it.”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#90

“My mother is a walking miracle.” - Leonardo DiCaprio

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#91

"Every day when you're raising kids, you feel like you could cry or crack up and just scream 'This is ridiculous!' because there's so much nonsense, whether it's what they're saying to you or the fact that there's avocado or poop on every surface." - Kristen Bell

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
18points
Add photo comments
POST
#92

"Who knew you could ruin a child's day simply by serving milk in the wrong colored cup?"

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
18points
Add photo comments
POST
#93

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” - Erma Bombeck.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
18points
Add photo comments
POST
#94

“Acceptance, tolerance, bravery, compassion. These are the things my mum taught me.” - Lady Gaga

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
18points
Add photo comments
POST
janaeaston avatar
Janae Aston
Janae Aston
Community Member
2 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

Until it comes to Trump, then I guess you forgot all but 1 of these traits

View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#95

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” - Phyllis Diller

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
17points
Add photo comments
POST
#96

“If I wasn't at work, I just wanted to stay home and party with my little man — and by 'party' I mean, of course, endless rounds of 'Itsy Bitsy Spider.” - Olivia Wilde

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
17points
Add photo comments
POST
#97

"A sweater is a garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly." - Barbara Johnson

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
17points
Add photo comments
POST
#98

"Do you know how once you have kids you never ever pee by yourself again? At least one of them is always in there with you at all times." - Jennifer Garner

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
17points
Add photo comments
POST
sarahbeaulieu avatar
Sarah Beaulieu
Sarah Beaulieu
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Mine now insist on privacy but still see no issue walking in when I'm using the bathroom

Vote comment up
7
7points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#99

"Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty." - Julia Roberts

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
17points
Add photo comments
POST
arinadijkgraaf avatar
Arina Dijkgraaf
Arina Dijkgraaf
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

After training two kids i just placed the potty in the centre of the room.. My third just sat there.. Tablet in hands.. No more wet pants or struggle.. Worked like a charm :)

Vote comment up
1
1point
Vote comment down
reply
#100

"I don't think so mommy!" is what my child said after, "Can you please pick up the popcorn you threw all over?" - Anna Faris

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
17points
Add photo comments
POST
gamergirlrad avatar
Arica Kimball
Arica Kimball
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That would be the time i alter my question to "pick up your mess or you're never getting popcorn again." Works every time lol

Vote comment up
5
5points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#101

“You’ll never need coffee more than the day after ‘Yes Day!” - Jennifer Garner

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
17points
Add photo comments
POST
#102

“Everyone's at different ages and levels, everyone's into different stuff. But everyone is into slime.” - Maya Rudolph

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
17points
Add photo comments
POST
#103

"Becoming a mom to me means you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse." - Nia Vardalos

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#104

"Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was." - Jenny McCarthy

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
#105

"A toy Tamagotchi is more communicative than a human baby, OK? Because the toy will at least tell you when it poos." - Ali Wong

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
#106

"I used to give my friends who have kids advice all the time, and they would look at me like I had three heads. And then, when I had two, I literally apologized to all my friends." - Jennifer Lopez

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
danipret_1 avatar
Dani Pret
Dani Pret
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes!! I've never felt so bad as to have thought I knew exactly what my friends should do in parenting and then becoming a mum and discovering we are raising totally different humans!

Vote comment up
1
1point
Vote comment down
reply
#107

"Some days the only way you stand a chance at surviving is to serve all-beige food, turn on YouTube and let the kids hang out pantsless."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#108

"90 percent of parenting is passing out snacks and counting down the minutes until nap time."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
#109

"If you stare longingly at your bathtub more than you do at your partner, you might be a mom."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
15points
Add photo comments
POST
#110

"Have you ever noticed that the camaraderie between siblings is never greater than when the word "bedtime" is uttered? They seemingly in unison become dehydrated, giggle monsters scared of absolutely nothing."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
15points
Add photo comments
POST
amyjohoppins avatar
Amy Jo Hoppins
Amy Jo Hoppins
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Bedtime is the perfect time to hydrate little ones. Keep a few bottles within reach of their bed to help them hydrate all night long. Just take them to the toilet at 11pm and they're good til dawn. Be kind. There is no need to make them suffer.

Vote comment up
2
2points
Vote comment down
reply
#111

“Ma-ma does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Da-da first.” - Mignon McLaughlin.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
15points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#112

“I know how to do anything I'm a mom.” - Roseanne Barr

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
15points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#113

"Sometimes I stand there going, 'I'm not doing any of this right!' And then I get this big man belch out of her and I go, 'Ah, we accomplished this together.'"

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
14points
Add photo comments
POST
#114

“I can’t believe how much like my mother I turned out. I feel sorry for my kids.” - Melanie White

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
14points
Add photo comments
POST
#115

"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours." - Rita Rudner

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
14points
Add photo comments
POST
nomadanshelm avatar
NOMAD Anshelm
NOMAD Anshelm
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My first was in labor for 4 hours, the delivery itself took about 20 minutes. It's all VERY different from situation to situation but I think 36 hours is a rather extreme case, just like 4 hours is a very extreme in the other end of the spectrum. Making a judgment based on someone else's pregnancy or deliver is pointless, there is literally nothing saying it will be the same or even similar for you.

Vote comment up
3
3points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#116

"Telling your kids you will see them in the morning is the greatest lie ever told. You will see them ten more times within the next hour and probably twenty more times before the sun rises."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
14points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#117

"I met my match. She is very demanding, like, I can’t believe I have a boss. When my baby wanna eat, she wanna eat. It’s not like, “Oh three minutes?” No. Give me the milk now." - Cardi B

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
13points
Add photo comments
POST
#118

“In the end, mothers are always right. No one else tells the truth.” - Randy Susan Meyers

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
13points
Add photo comments
POST
#119

“If you don’t know about ‘Baby Shark’ or ‘Let it Go,’ you need to turn in your parent card."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
12points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#120

"Dreams of a mother include: seeing your child graduate, witnessing your kid find true love, and someday finishing a meal without having to get up and retrieve more ketchup."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
12points
Add photo comments
POST
nomadanshelm avatar
NOMAD Anshelm
NOMAD Anshelm
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't have that problem. Ketchup is banned in my house. Thr ONLY thing ketchup is acceptable on are hot dogs and fries. Two things that are also banned in the house. At the burger joint or at the football game, it's fine. But we don't eat that at home, hence no need for ketchup.

Vote comment up
2
2points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#121

“My mother was my role model before I even knew what that word was.” - Lisa Leslie

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
12points
Add photo comments
POST
#122

"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires." - Dorothy Parker

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
11points
Add photo comments
POST
#123

"Are you even a mother if you don't yell, "Get in the car!" twenty times each morning?"

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
11points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#124

"Parenting tip: maybe don't leave Hungry Hungry Hippos on the floor of a dark room." - Rachel Dratch

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
10points
Add photo comments
POST
tomaccola avatar
Tom Accola
Tom Accola
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Legos will work better to remind them to turn on the lights and wear shoes.

Vote comment up
1
1point
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#125

“Sometimes I stand there going, 'I'm not doing any of this right!' And then I get this big man belch of her and I go, 'Ah, we accomplished this together.'” - Christina Applegate

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
10points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#126

“Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.” - Oprah Winfrey

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
9points
Add photo comments
POST
nomadanshelm avatar
NOMAD Anshelm
NOMAD Anshelm
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Said the woman who isn't a mother. Stfu Oprah, stick to what you actually KNOW.

Vote comment up
0
0points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#127

"[Having four kids is] endless stuff. It's endless entertainment, it's endless stress, endless responsibility. Everyone's at different ages and levels, everyone's into different stuff. But everyone is into slime."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
7points
Add photo comments
POST

Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Start writing!

Follow Bored Panda on Google News!