Of course, none of us are immune to slipping up and saying something questionable online. However, there’s a difference between a simple mistake and a pattern of constant stupidity or rudeness. It often seems like people let their thoughts run wild on the internet, behaving differently than they would in real life.

This phenomenon is actually well-documented. Researchers call it the ‘online disinhibition effect,’ a concept introduced by psychologist John Suler in 2004. In simple terms, it means users drop their usual social restraints and inhibitions when communicating online, saying things they’d normally keep to themselves.

Internet psychologist Graham Jones suggests that, in some ways, our online behavior mirrors what happens in face-to-face interactions. “Having said that, there is a feature of the online world that makes such negative behaviour more likely than in the real world,” he explains. “In the real world people subconsciously monitor the behaviour of others around them and adapt their own behaviour accordingly... Online we do not have such feedback mechanisms.”

These feedback mechanisms include body language, facial expressions, and other clear signals that reveal how people respond to what we’re saying. For example, if we make a hurtful comment towards someone, we might notice their visible discomfort, or if we do something embarrassing, others might laugh. These cues guide our behavior and help us follow social norms. However, in digital interactions, these immediate responses are missing, leaving us without the usual prompts to adjust our behavior.

Moreover, on the internet, we can easily go incognito or share only limited information about ourselves, which can make it feel like our actions and words have no real-world consequences. We can choose usernames instead of our real names, avoid sharing personal photos, or even hide our IP addresses. Suler refers to this as ‘dissociative anonymity.’ It creates a sense of detachment, making us feel less accountable for what we say, and some might even convince themselves that their online personas “aren’t me at all.”

Many of our online interactions also don’t happen in real time. When we post something, send a private message, or leave a comment, it can take minutes, hours, or even days before we hear back from anyone.

“In real life, the analogy might be speaking to someone, magically suspending time before that person can reply, and then returning to the conversation when one is willing and able to hear the response,” writes Suler.

The delay in feedback means we often don’t connect emotionally with the situation, allowing us to “run away” from the moment and retreat to our safe space where nothing feels wrong.

In some cases, the internet can create a false sense of closeness with people we interact with, leading us to reveal things we wouldn’t normally share with just anyone in real life.

“Often, people will consider their online ‘friends’ and connections much closer to them than they really are,” explains L. Gordon Brewer, a therapist who specializes in working with individuals and couples. “This results in lowered boundaries, which makes people feel more comfortable venting and discussing controversial topics, and more likely to share intimate details that are traditionally reserved for their inner circle.”

While our friends and family might easily forgive us for going off on a tangent or saying something awkward, the same comments can sound odd or even mean to strangers online.

On the other hand, being less guarded on the internet can sometimes lead to surprisingly positive outcomes. People may find themselves being kinder, more compassionate, and more willing to open up about their struggles and thoughts. For example, a British study found that teenagers felt comfortable discussing their mental health issues in online forums where they could remain anonymous. This freedom made it easier for them to get support and connect with others who provided helpful advice.

At the end of the day, some people will be intentionally hurtful online simply because they want to be. “There are just people who are mean-spirited and who will say something cruel just because they know it hurts,” says Brewer. “This is often caused by a sense of insecurity and, somehow, lashing out makes them feel more secure in themselves.” Chances are, those who behave this way are struggling with deep personal issues and use their internet presence as a way to gain some control over their own lives.