102 Funny Dad Tweets To Tickle Your Funny Bone

Hopefully it was a long song. Revenge is good.

"Hello, Boss? You won't believe this, but..."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And the wine! Don't forget the wine!

AND, that it also describes a certain kind of person. That could REALLY mess up the kids...!

Buuuuurrrrn

I laughed too hard at this

I mean, I don't have any kids, but my little brothers week is very similar

My standing rule was that anyone who gave my kids musical instruments were the same people at whose houses the instrument would be played at. Youngest is now 15, and so far, zero musical instruments.

Okay, from now on I will refer all the questions to you, teach

I still have to move cups away from the edge of the table and my son is 18 ...

Kudos to your boss

Congratulations! It's a four-month-old with jello on it!

Ah, you nearly missed the most important bit

22 years ago, on the birth of our first son, the midwife said to my wife, "Don't be squeezing his (me) hand so tight. - You'll hurt him." I have cursed that midwife since then. Equating a sore hand to giving birth has caused me pain for 22 years. I couldn't believe it when she said it. Even my wife stopped srceaming, then turned to give me a look I will never forget.

My children and wife wake up each day and immedieately go to the window to look for an Amazon van. When it arrives, I immediately check my bank account online. I think I'll cancel my internet broadband subscription.

Half hour later you start missing them

What they want to say, "yeah genius, but what words b!tch" vs what they actually say "what words, honey"

It's called "Karma for Parents (aka Dummies)"

Oh to have jaws that big. Bringing up my children would have been a breeze. I'd be close to biting sometimes though.

Now that's a skill they don't teach at school

Men / boys beware. Girls - They are born with life long skills.

My dad could never get me to watch footy on tv. One time he did convince me to come to a game (the whole family went) but I spent the whole time reading so he realised it was a waste of money!

This is why I don't want colleagues with sick kids at my desk. Keep your germs buddy, I can talk to you while you stand in the door.

Who is he? Harry Potter?

Dang

This child will never be employed in his life. A stay at home dad is his vocation.

As the cool cousin its my job to say watch out and chuckle as i hand them a cookie😎

LOL!

Nothing like opening doors and strange noises coming the from the kitchen to make you put your head under the blankets.

two words, just two words. Nice. Try

Watch your daughter, they said! Keep her inside, they said!

oh, wow.

And drinking invisible tea frome small plastic cups, whilst eating tasty invisible cookies, saying 'Yum Yum'

I wish it wasn't a threat. It's reality for me.

Wow! Having flashbacks to the TP incident with Trump and AF1. Did NO ONE think to tell him before he left the house?!

I swear teenagers are abducted by aliens and replaced with machines designed to test a parent's sanity. Eventually, they are allowed to return home, changed but bearable.

I had a toddler like that. I had two big dogs that I haven't seen since he turned three.

For the pictures and the memories

That's not revenge. Wait till she moves into her first home, then visit - clear her fridge of food, put your feet up on the sofa and watch one hour of the teletubbies. Make a mess in the bedrooms and have a tantrum when she complains. That's revenge.

"The book “G” is for Growing" cites a producer of Sesame Street who refers to Big Bird as a canary. In the series 11 episode, "Mister Rogers Talks about Competition" of the show, Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, Big Bird was asked by King Friday XIII if he was related to the cassowary; he replied, "I'm actually a Golden Condor." On the January 23, 1976 episode of Hollywood Squares, Big Bird was asked what kind of bird he is and said he was a lark, causing host Peter Marshall to crack up. In the film Don't Eat the Pictures, Osiris calls Big Bird an ibis. Zoologist Mike Dickison suggested in his popular Pechakucha talk that Big Bird represents a unique species that evolved from the whooping crane. For decades, Oscar the Grouch has been calling Big Bird a turkey, more as an insult rather than a reference to his species. Big Bird is always described as being flightless."

GOD DAMN THAT'S A SICK BURN

Wonder if mommy has the same problem

Maybe Santa sent a christmas letter this year saying if it was possible to forget milk and instead put out some of that brown liquid in a bottle daddy drinks from.

Heres a hack.... always have pockets filled with fruit snacks

Wait until he learns to use the TV remote

Well OK then 🤣

*Yeets the child into the nearest river*

I guess from now on it will be middle-aged spread

HARRY POTTER MOTHERF-

See ya in the afterlife

i started cello lessons at 3 and would always find a stupid excuse to leave the room

Been there. My son said the same to one of his enemies. His dad is six feet 10 inches and a perfectly toned six pack. I'm five an a half feet, and have one ab. They live down the street. I'm afraid to leave my house.