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They say that money changes people. It does, and so does heartbreak, war, having children, falling in love, or failing at a career. But you know what else does that? There is this one industry that people leave utterly different from when they started the job. None have returned the same. It's the customer service industry.
These people have heard, seen, and endured so much that they have become a more evolved and adapted species of Homo sapiens. According to stats published on Tidio, a staggering 95% of customer service employees have to deal with rude, angry, and unpleasant customers. Legend even says that every night some have nightmares about people at the table they forgot to bring the ketchup to.
All jokes aside, customer service is a hard job that must be tackled with humor to survive. It is no wonder why the internet is flooded with funny customer service memes and working in retail jokes. Heck, there are even pages dedicated to sharing call center memes! Why is humanity even trying to reach out and talk to aliens? We've got plenty of Martians and Venusians, aka, the customers, walking the Earth already! Frankly, those who have spent years in customer service deserve a master's degree in communications and praise for their mental stability! Your approach in a job where one must communicate with many different people (with different attitudes) really is the key.
Turning silly and outlandish comments into funny customer service jokes for others to laugh at really is the only way to keep sane in "insane" circumstances. So let's applaud all the hardworking customer service peeps because there wouldn't be so many customer service jokes and work puns to chuckle at if it wasn't for them. Below, we've compiled a lengthy list of funny work jokes and puns from inside the industry. So, take a look and let us know whether you have any work jokes or just funny jokes about customer service to share with us!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
How many customer service representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Your upvote is very important to us, please be assured that we will make the punchline available to you as soon as possible."
RELATED:
#2
"I work in customer service, because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault."
#3
“The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list. “What is it?” she asked. “Stephen, with a P-H,” I said. Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: “Pheven?””
#4
"I got a psychic reading that said I was going to die happy."
"The next day I went and got a job in customer service so I'd live forever."
#5
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I can’t find my children.
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind.
#6
If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
#7
A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza & Came with no toppings on it or anything, it's just bread.
Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this!
Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down.
#8
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t everything free?
#9
"Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times."
#10
"It was a busy lunch hour, made longer by one of my customers who couldn't make up his mind about what to order. After loudly polling everyone at his table, he asked me, "What do you think I should have?" Before I could answer, an irritated man at the next table offered a suggestion: "How about a picnic?""
#12
Why didn't Adam buy Eve the new iPhone?
"Because Apple have terrible customer service and their products are really expensive."
#13
"She told me I was being rude for kink-shaming her..."
"All I said was, "Karen, stop yelling at the customer service rep.""
#14
“The food at the sandwich shop I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply: “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?””
#15
The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.
#16
"After a number of attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian American friend Appappa decided to spell it out.
"A for apple," he began. "P for pineapple, p for pineapple, a for apple, p for pineapple, p for..." The flustered agent interrupted. "I have a better idea," she said. "Just tell me how many apples and how many pineapples.""
#17
""Hi, I bought a maternity dress through your site and I want to cancel the order." she says. The service rep says, "Sure, I can do that for you.. but I'd also like to get your feedback; may I ask why?" "Yeah," says the customer. "My delivery was faster than yours was.""
#18
A manager in the board meeting after poor customer reviews and brand reputation results. "If it gets worse, we may be forced to make reliable products and provide better customer service."
#19
Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one, but she has to do it while you’re eating dinner.
#20
"I was delivering pizzas when I fell hard onto the sidewalk. Seeing me sprawled on the ground, my concerned customer yelled, "Oh, no! The pizzas!""
#21
Why didn't the movie star argue with the customer service clerk?
He didn't have a good counter act.
#22
I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived.
"Customer service told me they're dealing with it."
#23
"At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine. “I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said. “No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”"
#24
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
#25
Not the people who posted this sign at a bookstore that was going out of business: “Sorry, no public restroom. Try amazon.com.”
#26
"The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. "Regular?" she asked her customer. "Yes, thank you," said the man. "Due to a steady diet of fruit.""
#27
"Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train's engine fell silent. "I've got good news and bad news," the conductor announced. "The bad news is we lost power." My fellow passengers groaned. "The good news," he added, "is we weren't cruising at 30,000 feet.""
#28
"An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain — all on the bottom shelf."
#29
"My bitcoins were stolen the other day, to which my girlfriend replied "can't you call customer service and have them track 'em?""
#30
Comcast has announced they are giving all customers a free month of service and increasing internet speeds permanently.
#31
"While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”"
#32
Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence.
Me: You mean… the period?
Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it.
#33
"A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”"
#34
"We were stocking up on green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl helping us for 15 pounds’ worth. “I can only sell you ten pounds of beans,” she said. “Why?” I asked. “Because my scale only goes up to ten pounds.”"
#35
The China National Tourism Administration has created tips for its citizens when traveling abroad, including: don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts. Don’t leave footprints on the toilet. Don’t dry your underwear on lampshades.
#36
"I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café. They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman’s. "What type of pie is Herman’s?" I asked the waiter. "Apple," he said. "Then why is it called Herman’s pie?" "Because Herman called in to reserve it.""
#37
"A shoe store customer liked a pair of Reeboks but wasn't completely satisfied. So she stopped an associate and asked, "Does this come in a Nike?""
#38
"After giving birth, I quit my job. The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?" My answer: "Birth control.""
#39
"A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application. "Do you have references?" she asked. The member replied, "Do they have to be living?""
#40
"Hal's handyman wasn't the swiftest guy on earth. But he was cheap, and so was Hal, which is why he hired the guy to paint his porch for $50. "You tightwad," scolded Hal's wife. "Our porch covers half of the house! He'll be there for days." Hal simply smirked. An hour later, there was a knock at the door. The handyman had finished. "How did you get done so quickly?" Hal asked. "It was a piece of cake," the handyman replied. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche.""
#41
"After being on the phone forever with a customer who had been having difficulties with a computer program, a support technician at my mother's company turned in his report: "The problem resides between the keyboard and the chair.""
#42
Customer Support: What does the screen say now?
Billy: It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.
Customer Support: Well?
Billy: How do I know when it’s ready?
#43
"My Internet Service Provider is called Hathway....
Their customer service executive called, it was a woman. I asked if her first name is Anne, we laughed and now I have no internet."
#44
I bring Mayweather with me when I work at customer service...
"Because he's great at avoiding fights."
#46
"A man setting up his new printer called the printer’s tech support, and complained about an error message: “Can’t find the printer.” He said he even held the printer up in front of the computer screen, but the computer was still unable to find it."
#47
A customer support employee to his manager: The voice of the customer is on line 2.
Manager: Please take a message, I am busy being customer-centric.
#48
Waiter: How did you find the fish, Sir?
Customer: Quite by accident, I moved a few peas and there it was!
#49
"My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt."
#50
"Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me."
#51
"A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.” “Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”"
#52
"I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, “Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard.” The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard."
#53
Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone.
Me: Siri, call my wife.
Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts.
Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife.
Siri: I’ve added Samantha Gibbs as your wife.
Me: Call my wife.
Siri: Which wife?
#54
"One woman raved about the rides at our water park, but she did have a valid complaint: "The water in the wave pool tastes horrible!""
#55
"At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair." As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt.""
#57
"A man is in a mall and sees a clothes store. He sees a magnificent, brand new jacket in the shop window and decides he shall try it on and buy it. So he walks into the shop and asks an employee: “Excuse me sir.” “How can I help you” the employee replies. “Could I by any chance try on that jacket in your shop window?” The employee looks at him and says “No you shall not you are to try it on in the changing rooms like everybody else!”"
#58
How do you stop a rhinoceros from charging?
"Call customer service to dispute the purchase."
#59
"Customer service put me on hold, but there was a good orchestra playing."
"It was classy - call music."
#60
"A man was selling parachutes on the roadside. A customer came and asked; what if the parachute doesn’t work in the air? The man replied; Oh there’s nothing to worry about mate, you can always come back and replace it for a new one!"
#61
A gym trainer was reviewing the application of a new client at her gym.
Trainer: What do you think is the reason behind your fitness issues?
Client: Horrendous eating habits.
Trainer: What makes you say that?
Client: I can’t spell atrocious.
#62
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me....
"Should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless."
#63
"I think you press "0" to be connected with customer service, because that's the amount of help they give you."
#64
"I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. “Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”"
#65
"I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, 'Honey, I’m home!'"
#66
"A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said. “I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”"
#67
Scene: Horseback-riding stable.
Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter.
Me: Our horses are very sweet...
Mom: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over there? It’s the perfect size for her!
Me: Um… that’s a goat.
#69
Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.”
#70
"I phoned a local restaurant to ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, 'That depends on which direction you’re coming from.'"
#71
"If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims? “In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.” “I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.” “The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.”"
#72
Scene: My client telling me what was required for the project.
Client: “We want a total of eight languages — English, French, Spanish, Canadian...”
#73
"A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked. “Can you describe it?” I asked. “Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.”"
#74
Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring Managers. [Two weeks later] Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.
#75
"The bean soup I’d ordered was mostly water. I decided to tell the waitress. “This soup is awful,” I said. 'I know,' she said. 'I don’t like bean soup either.'"
#76
"At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber. “Maybe the list is alphabetical,” I offered. So he started searching from the bottom of the list: “Q … Q … Q …”"
#77
"There is No Such Thing as a Dumb Question, Except for These: I work in IT. A customer asked me if a string of numbers I'd read off was upper or lowercase. Someone once asked, “Is this the museum?” I work at a pool. A few of the things customers have asked for at our art-supply store include disco balls, trees, and crucifixion wood. I'm a butcher. A woman asked if she could sleep in our freezer to test out a heavy-duty sleeping bag before a trip to the Himalayas."
#78
"Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I’m not ready but the panic will help me make a decision."
#79
"I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths. “I’m sorry, I can’t,” she said. “I already cut it in half.”"
#80
Customer: Pardon me, I’m lost.
Me: What are you looking for?
Customer: I’m looking for Milkjer Boulevard.
Me: I’ve never heard of it. Can I see your directions?
Customer: Sure. See, it’s spelled M-L-K-J-R Boulevard.
#81
"I bought a pint of Häagen-Dazs ice cream at the supermarket. As the cashier rang it up, I asked, 'How do you pronounce that?' Speaking slowly and distinctly, he said, 'Four dollars and seventy-nine cents.'"
#82
"My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application. For the question "To what do you attribute your fitness issues?" the woman wrote "Horrendous eating habits." "What makes you say that?" my friend asked. The woman replied, "I can't spell atrocious.""
#83
"I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru. There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window. "We're still serving breakfast. And you have to order at the speaker," the clerk scolded. I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich. "I'm sorry," she said, "we are now serving lunch.""
#84
Instead of saying, "And here's your receipt," cashiers should say, "Will you throw this away for me?"
#85
"A customer pulled up to my drive-through window at the fast-food restaurant where I work and requested something from the lunch menu.
"I’m sorry, but it’s 10:15," I told her. "We’re only serving breakfast now."
After thinking it over, she asked, "Do you have anything on your breakfast menu that tastes like lunch?""
#86
"I answer a lot of questions at the information desk at Olympic National Park, in Washington State. But one visitor stumped me: 'Do you have any trails that just go downhill?'"
#87
"A customer called our rental store to ask about rectangular tables. I told him we had six-foot and eight-foot tables. His response: "What's the difference?""
#88
"After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. "About the salmon entrée, is that a steak or a fillet?" "Neither," she said. "It's a fish.""
#89
"Think it's easy being a tour guide? Visit Britain, a travel bureau, has compiled these tourist questions."
"Is Wales closed during the winter?"
"Why did they build Windsor Castle on the flight path of Heathrow?"
"Who feeds the Loch Ness monster?"
"Are there any Sheena Easton museums in Glasgow?"
#90
"Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine." "You should have used the drive-through," she said. "Why?" "Everyone who goes through sounds like that," she explained."
#91
"I work at a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer-service representatives reminds shoppers over the public-address system to finish their shopping. One evening, a woman who had recently worked at a Kmart opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers…" Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, "You are in the wrong store.""
#92
Heard on my cable company's answering machine:
"We realize you are still holding. Please do not hang up, as this will further delay your call."
#93
"When our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to come and take a look at it. It turned out to be a high school classmate of my husband's named Love. He said next time we needed any repairs to ask for him. The next year when we needed service again, we requested Mr. Love. I took the day off from work and waited for him to arrive. After he had worked on our air conditioner, he left his work order behind. It had my name and said: "Wants Love in afternoon.""
#94
"A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room. "No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there.""
#95
"I sold an item through eBay but it got lost in the mail. So I stopped by my local post office and asked them to track it down. "It's not that simple," the clerk scolded. "You have to fill out a mail-loss form before we can initiate a search." "Okay," I said. "I'll take one." He rummaged under his counter, then went to some other clerks who did the same — only to return and confess, "You'll have to come back later. We can't find the forms.""
#96
"I called my local utility for help with a minor malfunction in my outdoor gas grill. Their automated phone system put me on hold for over 20 minutes. As I waited, I was grateful my problem wasn't worse — especially when I heard a pre-recorded message repeatedly advise, 'If you smell gas, stay on the line.'"
#97
"During a shopping trip to a department store, I was looking around for a salesperson so I could pay for my purchase. Finally I ran into a woman wearing the store's ID tag. "Excuse me," I said. "I'm trying to locate a cashier." "I can't help you," she briskly replied, barely slowing down. "I work in customer service." And she walked away."
#98
"Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O'Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or "chit." That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier. "Is this chit worth $10?" I asked. Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, "I'm sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?""
#99
"I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," the cheery salesperson replied. "And what about Salt Lake City?" "We have a really great rate to Salt Lake — $99," she said "But there is a stopover." "Where?" "In Denver," she said."
#100
Why did the customer choose T-Mobile?
Because he wanted the worst cellphone service in the world.
#102
Amazon has great customer service.
"You know what they have in common with my wife?"
"Neither of them will screw me."
#103
Ad from a printer I will not be doing business with: "We offer a full line of pricing options that will meet or exceed your printing budget."
#104
"A woman called the help desk for a problem with her printer. The support guy asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman said, “No, my desk is next to the door. But hey, that’s a good point. The man sitting next to me is under a window, and he is working fine.”"
#105
"A typical customer support agent: I’m just going to ask you a few questions so I can transfer you to the right department. They will ask you exactly the same questions and be of no help!"
#106
Customer to a restaurant manager: Are you open?
Manager: Read the sign at the front door, please. (It said CLOSED.)
Customer: Okay, so I’ll have a double-decker beef burger with some extra cheez and some mild chili kelp fries.
#107
"As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly...” She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”"
#108
"Before Google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” “Who built the English Channel?” “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?” “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.” “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”"
#109
Hallmark: When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.
Ritz crackers: Tiny, edible plates.
CliffsNotes: They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.
Gillette: We’re just going to keep adding blades.
ChapStick: You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.
Hot Pockets: Every bite is a different temperature.
Christopher Hebhardt 2 years ago
Hot Pockets... Every bite is a different temperature and they all make the sun seem cold by comparison.
#110
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
#111
"Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop."
#112
"Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests: A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody’s yard. A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog German. A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck. A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work."
#113
Scene: A radio newsroom.
Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air.
Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.
Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that.
#114
"Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then added, 'But there’s a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records.'"
#115
"Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed. To be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying. To be fluent in two languages — one of which was pig Latin. To be a Nobel Prize winner. To have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time. He was fired “on accident.”"
#116
"While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?” The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?” He promptly replied, “Another train.”"
#117
"Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk. Mary thinks a second before replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative and 32 Reform.”"
#118
"I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”"
#119
"I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. “I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”"
#120
“I have to make payments on my BMW and iPhones.” “You are too wrapped up in the whole concept of ‘money. ’ ” “So... you’re talking to me only, because the rent’s not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?”
#121
Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A.
Matt: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk. [Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra white milk.
Clerk: Um… we only have one kind of milk, and it’s pretty white.
#122
Scene: Inside a Best Buy store.
Customer: Can you help me? I’m looking for a shredder.
Coworker: We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily?
Customer: Collard greens.
#123
"A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts. “Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked. “Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.”"
#124
"When I bought beer at the grocery store, the clerk asked for my birthdate. I said, “10-3-60.” Her next question: “Is that ‘19’ 60?”"
#125
"The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. “[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” — Conan O’Brien, on Conan “He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through security for three and a half years.”"
#126
Scene: A secondhand movie exchange.
Me: Do you have the DVD of Sharknado?
Clerk: Is that a documentary?
#127
"The DMV was as crowded and noisy as ever. When I finally got to the window, I asked the clerk, “Does the never-ending line of loud people ever drive you crazy?” She shook her head. “We call it job security.”"
#128
"An irate patient called our pathology group, demanding that I explain every lab test on her statement. “Of course,” I said. I brought up her bill: “Number one, urinalysis…” She interrupted me: “I’m a what?!”"
#129
"When my customer ordered iced tea, I asked, “Sweetened or unsweetened?” Her answer: “What’s the difference?”"
#130
"A customer walked up to my bank window and asked me to cash a check. “Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.” She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot. “That’s me in the middle,” she said."
#131
"One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report. “Didn’t you keep the original copy?” I asked. “No,” she said. “I faxed it to you.”"
#132
"While going through his deceased father’s things, a man finds a 25-year-old claim check for a shoe repair. Curious, he goes to the store and hands the owner the ticket. The owner goes to the back and then reappears. “Good news,” he says. “They’ll be ready next Friday.”"
#133
"As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system: "If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five.""
#134
"'I'll never find the right guy,' I heard the young guest at the wedding shower sigh. 'Don't give up,' urged an older woman. 'Every pot has a lid.' 'Or,' a cynical voice behind her offered, 'you could just be a skillet.'"
#135
"A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but — wanting to make sure each bulb worked — she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. "Great," she said. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. "I don't want this box," she said abruptly. "It's been opened.""
John Comstock 1 year ago
This happens a lot. We would repack the lights and set them aside for later. Closer to the holidays they'd sell.
#136
"Days after we invaded Marja, Afghanistan, one of my Marines found out his wife hadn't paid the cell phone bill. He called the company and asked how he could settle up. "You can go to Western Union and place a money order," the billing agent told him. "Ma'am, I'm in Marja, Afghanistan," he explained. "We don't have Western Unions." "No problem. You can also go to Walmart.""
#137
"A woman stopped by our customer-service desk and asked me for a copy of the book that has Jesus in it. After much back-and-forth, I determined that she wanted the Bible. After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help. She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus."
#138
"While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out. "Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough."
#139
"A woman at my friend's pet shop pointed to a Labrador puppy. 'I want that one,' she said. 'But I don't want the floor model.'"
#140
"A patient at the dental office where I work stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients do when they have a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her mine. "Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag, and proceeded to pay in cash."
#141
"Our coworker Patrick shared his worst workday ever. He was at an appliance store and the delivery truck had broken down, which meant he was flooded with angry phone calls from customers. One irate caller canceled the delivery and told Patrick what he could do with it. "I'm sorry," said Patrick. "That's impossible. I already have a stove, a vacuum cleaner, and a microwave up there.""
#142
"Standing in line at a restaurant, I noticed that the few available tables left had not been cleaned off. I mentioned this to the cashier, who told the manager. A minute later, an annoyed-looking teen emerged from the back with spray bottle and paper towels in hand. "All right," she bellowed clear across the crowded dining room, "which one of you people wanted a clean table?""
#143
"My husband, who uses a wheelchair, showed up at his eye doctor's for an appointment. The receptionist checked the schedule, then said, "The nurse will call you in a moment. Have a seat." He smiled. "Done.""
#144
"I took a real estate client to a handyman special. The place was great, and we couldn't understand why it was so cheap, until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling. Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: 'Nice house,' he said. 'It's even self-cleaning.'"
#145
"My new credit card arrived in the mail with a large sticker on it, giving the phone number to activate the card. I called the number and got one option: 'Press One' to activate the credit card. That led me to a live person, who answered with her first name and the title "Credit Card Activator." As I got ready to give her the necessary information, she interrupted me, asking, "How can I help you?""
#146
"It was the standard series of check-in questions that every traveler gets at the airlines counter, including, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" "If it was put there without my knowledge," I asked, "how would I know?" The agent behind the counter smiled smugly. "That's why we ask.""
#147
"While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my new license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, "E I E I O." "Here," the woman standing next to me answered. Curious, I asked if she was married to a farmer, or maybe taught preschool. "Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald.""
#148
"A man called the phone company to complain about his listing in the directory. "I told you that my last name is Sweady," he said, "but you have it listed as Cyirwu." "I'm sorry, sir," the phone company rep said. "I'll fix it so it'll be correct the next time we publish the directory. Now how do you spell your name?" "Just like I told you before," the customer said. "It's S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u and Y as in you.""
#149
"Sitting in the first row of coach class during a lengthy flight, my wife and I were able to hear a flight attendant as he pushed a wine cart down the aisle in the first-class section. "Would you care for chardonnay or burgundy?" he asked the high-paying passengers. A few minutes later the attendant opened the curtain between the two sections, offered wine to one final first-class patron, then wheeled the same cart forward to our aisle. "Excuse me," he said, looking down at us, "would you care for a glass of wine? We have white and red.""
#150
"There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Finally the customer behind me muttered, 'Mr. Hare must be on vacation.' Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: 'Mr. Turtle, sales associate.'"
#151
On the back of a septic-service company truck: "Satisfaction guaranteed, or your merchandise cheerfully refunded."
#152
"During the mortgage closing on our summer house, my wife and I were asked to sign documents containing small print. When I asked if I should read it, my attorney replied, "Legally, you should. But here's the bottom line: If you pay your installments on time, there is nothing in there that could harm you. Should you stop paying, however, there is definitely nothing in the small print that can save you.""
#153
"My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees — dishes like "Chicken Mickey," after our dishwasher who gave us the recipe, and "Rod's Ribs," after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue. One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef. Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn't think an entrée named "Salmon Ella" would go over big with our customers."
#154
Sandi: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Sandi: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
#155
Caller: Hello, is this Tech Support?
Tech: Yes it is, how may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within
my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
Tech: I’m sorry, but did you say cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it’s attached to the front of my PC.
#156
Girl to a shopkeeper: What’s the price of this dress?
Shopkeeper: It’s only for $100 ma’am.
Girl: Oh my God! And what about the other one?
Shopkeeper: That would be “Oh my God” times two.
#157
Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
#158
"An ad for a hedge clipper that I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”"
#159
Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it:
"Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably."
"Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts."
#160
"Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I’ve been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the East Coast trying to return their shoes. Even worse, they end up wanting to speak to my supervisor, because I “don’t sound professional enough.”"
#161
Scene: A gas station in Canada
Customer: Excuse me. Why won't my debit card work on the pump?
Owner: Are you using an American card?
Customer: Yes.
Owner: American cards don't work at the pump.
Customer: You should put up a sign.
Owner: We did, above the card slot.
Customer: Oh. Well, I don't read Canadian.
#162
"As a salesperson, I do a lot of business over the phone. One man who called to place an order had a nice voice, so when he asked if I wanted his number, I took the opportunity to offer mine as well. 'Um,' he stammered, 'I was talking about my purchase-order number.'"
#163
"My husband, who is an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking noise when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk. Back at the shop, he opened the trunk and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk.""
#164
"Man walks into a shop and sees a very handsome dog. He asks the shop assistant, “Does your dog bite?” “No, my dog doesn’t bite.” The man happily tries to pet the dog, but the dog attacks him viciously. A little later he stumbles to the shop clerk, “Hey, you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The shop clerk shrugs, “He doesn’t. But that wasn’t my dog.”"
#165
"Calling for information about one of my credit cards, I got the following recorded prompt: "Please enter your account number as it appears on your card or statement." I did as instructed, and the system said, "Please enter your five-digit ZIP code." After I put that in, I got a third message: "If you would like your information in English, press one.""
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