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We’ve all been given advice at one point or another in our lives - a piece of information that helps us make a decision, understand what really matters, or the actions we should take to change our course of life. Chances are, the advice you were given truly did help you at that time, but sometimes advice can get a little bit… off. And the more off it is, the more suitable it starts to be for our funny bad advice list! Yup, you absolutely shouldn’t take the bits of bad advice listed here seriously, but rather treat them as a means of pure entertainment (except for maybe the instances you want to practice reverse psychology). 

You can be absolutely sure that these bits of funny advice will cover every topic that might possibly happen in life. There’s the worst advice for cheering someone up, disastrous encouragement on making tough decisions, funny bad relationship advice (oh, we love those!), and everything in between for when you want to ruin someone’s day. Okay, make it laugh at the silliness instead of ruining someone’s day. Sounds far better, doesn’t it? 

As we’ve already stated, you should absolutely take these bits of bad funny advice in a very tongue-in-cheek manner, for they are no good to help you to get to that much revered Hakuna Matata point in life. That said, you should absolutely check them out anyway! And once you are done, rank these bad advice quotes the way you like, and share this article with your friends! 

This post may include affiliate links.

#1

Carry a fork with you. If someone tries to rob you, pull it out of your pocket and say, "thank you Lord for this meal I’m about to have" and charge at them with the fork.

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#2

I don’t care how nice the hand soap smells, you should never walk out of the restroom sniffing your fingers.

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#3

If you can’t afford virtual reality headsets, you can close your eyes and imagine everything you want.

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#4

"The elites don't want you to know this but the duck at the parks are free you can take them home. I have 458 ducks."

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#5

If your kids suddenly start getting along and are nice to each other for no reason, be very suspicious.

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#6

"Spice up you panic attacks with tiny harmonicas."

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#7

If it looks stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.

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#8

If you can’t blind them with brilliance, baffle them with nonsense.

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#9

"If you are at an atm at night and there is a person in front of you, give them a kiss on the neck to let them know you are not a threat."

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#10

Having a bad day? No worries! Wear sunglasses. Now you’re having a bad evening.

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#11

If you do something bad, make sure there’s someone else around to blame.

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Headless Roach
Headless Roach
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Also: Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

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#12

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say in
"Jesus' name, Amen".

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#13

Is your sink full of dirty utensils? Put some clean dishes in the draining rack! Now it looks like you’re working on it.

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#14

It’s very expensive to eat 3 times a day. Wake up later, miss breakfast, and save money.

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Feathered Dinosaur
Feathered Dinosaur
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Tell that to my stomach, it has the memory of an elephant and doesn't forget nor forgive

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#15

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.

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#16

It's okay to eat food that's just 'a little bit expired', it won't hurt you.

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Ace
Ace
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1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Err, yes, this one is true. Sight and smell are your friends here.

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#17

Don’t talk to anybody on the train, except for your mom. Well, maybe it would be best to ignore her too.

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#18

No flashlight on your phone? Take a photo of the sun, and use it in the dark.

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#19

Let your elementary kids dress themselves for school every school day.

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#20

"Key your car so that people think you’re cool enough to have enemies."

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#21

Stop worrying.

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Feathered Dinosaur
Feathered Dinosaur
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why haven't I thought of that? *adds another item on the things to worry about*

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#22

Put a teabag in your whiskey, so you can day drink without being judged.

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#23

"If you’re caught speeding go faster. The police can’t arrest you if they can’t catch you."

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#24

"When feeling sick, drink boiling water to sterilize your insides."

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#25

Take your kids to a pumpkin patch and let them pick out any pumpkin. Then, make them carry it to the car. They’ll never want to go back there again.

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#26

Never do a whole job when a half job will do.

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#27

"If it's called rat poison, then eat it. It isn't human poison."

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#28

Always say what you're thinking out loud.

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#29

If the monster comes out of the closet tonight, say hi for me then go back to sleep.

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o_o
o_o
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My friend haunts a few closets and they are tired of being misidentified. They are a demon. Please find out the identity of a being haunting your room before calling and misidentifying them.

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#30

If he does that thing you like, marry him.

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#31

If you have a headache, stub your toe. You'll forget you have a headache.

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Rainwing_Demigod
Rainwing_Demigod
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Then, continuously hit different parts of your body on various surfaces until you no longer have any body parts to hurt. Then, your body aches and you go lie down and cry. A lot.

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#32

If your tires are too old, refresh them with a marker.

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#33

"When you get a girlfriend you can’t make jokes about not having one or never getting one. The solution, don’t get one ever."

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#34

Always take a laxative with a sleeping pill.

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Headless Roach
Headless Roach
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That reminds me of an old ad for drugs improving bowel movements. Their slogan was "Clearing your bowels without interrupting your sleep". This is real, not kidding.

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#35

If you’re too lazy to wash your cup, use a pepper.

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#36

No hair? Draw it! Or get a tattoo.

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DennyS (denzoren)
DennyS (denzoren)
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've seen this before though...were they tattoo dots to make it look like hair.

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#37

Put your cell phone in the microwave to charge it.

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#38

"Wanna take a break from social media? Give yourself a paper cut on both your thumbs."

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#39

Always eat yellow snow it's nutritious.

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#40

"Don't breathe, 100% of people who breathe die at some point."

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#41

"Always get through red lights as quickly as possible. Stopping increases your chance of being carjacked."

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Feathered Dinosaur
Feathered Dinosaur
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's the middle of the night, you're on a lonely road, fields and woods all around you. There's a lonely traffic light, and it's red. You stand there and wait until it turns green, because you're in Germany. 🇩🇪

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#42

Don’t find someone rich.

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#43

Don’t buy a bikini. Instead, get a size XXXL men’s shirt. That way, men won’t notice you.

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Feathered Dinosaur
Feathered Dinosaur
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I bet you don't get the intended result when you have a wet white shirt clinging to you...

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#44

Never break two laws at the same time because that’s how you get caught.

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#45

"Unlikely to happen but here we are. If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that."

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#46

Pull the plug.

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#47

Come up short.

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#48

Mount from both sides so the horse becomes used to change.

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#49

There is never enough time in the morning. Try to combine brushing your teeth with your breakfast.

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#50

"From my father: don’t go to the doctor’s office if you only have one problem. Wait until you have four or five; that’s how you get the most bang for your buck."

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#51

"Need to be somewhere on time and don't want to deal with traffic? Inflate your car's tires with helium and gradually float to your destination."

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#52

Drive offensively.

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#53

Pee into the wind without worry.

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#54

If you pull clothes out of your closet or drawer and decide not to wear them, go ahead and throw them in the dirty clothes. Doing laundry is loads of fun.

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#55

Take as much time as you need in the car rider line. No one is in a hurry.

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#56

"'Put some butter on it' - My father to me directly after getting a 3rd-degree burn on my arm (cooking accident)."

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DennyS (denzoren)
DennyS (denzoren)
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've heard and seen this done...somehow this is one of those old beliefs.

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#57

Improve your complexion.

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#58

When drunk always send the nude and text ex.

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#59

Add a cup of antifreeze to your break fluid so it doesn't freeze this winter.

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#60

"Don't study computer programming. The market is probably going to be saturated by the time you graduate."

From a computer science professor in the mid-80s.

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#61

"Just get a degree. It doesn't matter which one."

$40,000 and one unused degree later...

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Jeff Gabrisl
Jeff Gabrisl
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I got a degree in philosophy, I can't find a job, but at least I know why!

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#62

Stall out.

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#63

Never date a girl who pays her rent in one’s.

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#64

"Invest in brother-in-law's bar. Thanks, Dad. Bye-bye 30k and bye-bye bar. Did not know I'd be working alongside an illiterate buffoon."

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#65

"If someone is starving to death, don't give them any food, or you will be interfering with God's will."

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#66

"When you don't know what to do with something, stick it in a toaster."

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#67

"When confronted by a bear, give it a hug and tell him it'll be alright."

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DennyS (denzoren)
DennyS (denzoren)
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There there brown bear, have no fear, we'll get there, don't shed a tear, whenever you're sad I'll be here.

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#68

"Instead of paying for a gym membership just join the military."

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Feathered Dinosaur
Feathered Dinosaur
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you have kink that involves people with weapons, intent on killing you, go right ahead!

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#69

"If you run out of dishwasher detergent, just substitute it with regular dish soap. A big mistake that will only be made once."

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ArodTheHorrible
ArodTheHorrible
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

On the plus side, all the suds clean your floor and part of your walls, right?

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#70

"Apply garlic to a freshly opened cut or burn to immediately intensify the pain."

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#71

"If you are afraid someone will say no, just don't ask."

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#72

"Follow your heart"

Sometimes my heart is stupid and I should listen to my brain instead.

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#73

"If you're sad and you can't stop crying, make a water bottle and cry into it and then drink your tears. You'll feel stupid and start laughing at how random and quirky you are."

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#74

"Take action take control, quit school."

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#75

"If you don't know if something is microwavable put it in the microwave to test if it is."

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ArodTheHorrible
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Then go grocery shopping. If your house is still standing when you return, it must be ok

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#76

"If you want to have your mind blown, drink nitroglycerin."

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#77

"Before going through resumes, throw the top half in the trash. You don't want to hire unlucky people."

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#78

"Invest in DVDs because you can pawn them for cash when you need money."

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#79

"Got a new tattoo? Don’t use healing creams! Let your dog lick it, dog saliva has an antiseptic!"

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#80

"Was told by a sailor of 5 decades that the best way to get rid of sunburn is to take the hottest shower possible. Not only did that cause immeasurable pain, but didn't help in the slightest."

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#81

"As a temporary measure, it's ok to insert a copper penny into a screw-in fuse box circuit until replacement fuses can be obtained."

That dangerous "advice" almost caused a house fire due to an overheating circuit.

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#82

Pouring river water in your socks. It's quick, it's easy and it's free.

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