Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
We’ve all been given advice at one point or another in our lives - a piece of information that helps us make a decision, understand what really matters, or the actions we should take to change our course of life. Chances are, the advice you were given truly did help you at that time, but sometimes advice can get a little bit… off. And the more off it is, the more suitable it starts to be for our funny bad advice list! Yup, you absolutely shouldn’t take the bits of bad advice listed here seriously, but rather treat them as a means of pure entertainment (except for maybe the instances you want to practice reverse psychology).
You can be absolutely sure that these bits of funny advice will cover every topic that might possibly happen in life. There’s the worst advice for cheering someone up, disastrous encouragement on making tough decisions, funny bad relationship advice (oh, we love those!), and everything in between for when you want to ruin someone’s day. Okay, make it laugh at the silliness instead of ruining someone’s day. Sounds far better, doesn’t it?
As we’ve already stated, you should absolutely take these bits of bad funny advice in a very tongue-in-cheek manner, for they are no good to help you to get to that much revered Hakuna Matata point in life. That said, you should absolutely check them out anyway! And once you are done, rank these bad advice quotes the way you like, and share this article with your friends!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Carry a fork with you. If someone tries to rob you, pull it out of your pocket and say, "thank you Lord for this meal I’m about to have" and charge at them with the fork.
RELATED:
#2
I don’t care how nice the hand soap smells, you should never walk out of the restroom sniffing your fingers.
#3
If you can’t afford virtual reality headsets, you can close your eyes and imagine everything you want.
#4
"The elites don't want you to know this but the duck at the parks are free you can take them home. I have 458 ducks."
#5
If your kids suddenly start getting along and are nice to each other for no reason, be very suspicious.
#9
"If you are at an atm at night and there is a person in front of you, give them a kiss on the neck to let them know you are not a threat."
#10
Having a bad day? No worries! Wear sunglasses. Now you’re having a bad evening.
#11
If you do something bad, make sure there’s someone else around to blame.
Headless Roach 1 year ago
Also: Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
#12
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say in
"Jesus' name, Amen".
#13
Is your sink full of dirty utensils? Put some clean dishes in the draining rack! Now it looks like you’re working on it.
#14
It’s very expensive to eat 3 times a day. Wake up later, miss breakfast, and save money.
Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago
Tell that to my stomach, it has the memory of an elephant and doesn't forget nor forgive
#15
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
#16
It's okay to eat food that's just 'a little bit expired', it won't hurt you.
#17
Don’t talk to anybody on the train, except for your mom. Well, maybe it would be best to ignore her too.
#18
No flashlight on your phone? Take a photo of the sun, and use it in the dark.
#20
"Key your car so that people think you’re cool enough to have enemies."
#21
Stop worrying.
Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago
Why haven't I thought of that? *adds another item on the things to worry about*
#22
Put a teabag in your whiskey, so you can day drink without being judged.
Fester Sixonesixonethree 1 year ago
That is freakin' brilliant! Now where can I buy a fake tea bag...
#23
"If you’re caught speeding go faster. The police can’t arrest you if they can’t catch you."
#24
"When feeling sick, drink boiling water to sterilize your insides."
#25
Take your kids to a pumpkin patch and let them pick out any pumpkin. Then, make them carry it to the car. They’ll never want to go back there again.
#26
Never do a whole job when a half job will do.
#27
"If it's called rat poison, then eat it. It isn't human poison."
Fester Sixonesixonethree 1 year ago
I kind of know people that would follow that logic to tragic ends. God bless...
#29
If the monster comes out of the closet tonight, say hi for me then go back to sleep.
#30
If he does that thing you like, marry him.
#31
If you have a headache, stub your toe. You'll forget you have a headache.
Rainwing_Demigod 1 year ago
Then, continuously hit different parts of your body on various surfaces until you no longer have any body parts to hurt. Then, your body aches and you go lie down and cry. A lot.
#32
If your tires are too old, refresh them with a marker.
#33
"When you get a girlfriend you can’t make jokes about not having one or never getting one. The solution, don’t get one ever."
#34
Always take a laxative with a sleeping pill.
Headless Roach 1 year ago
That reminds me of an old ad for drugs improving bowel movements. Their slogan was "Clearing your bowels without interrupting your sleep". This is real, not kidding.
#36
No hair? Draw it! Or get a tattoo.
DennyS (denzoren) 1 year ago
I've seen this before though...were they tattoo dots to make it look like hair.
#38
"Wanna take a break from social media? Give yourself a paper cut on both your thumbs."
Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago
How will I scroll through Bored Panda with cuts on both thumbs? 😭
#40
"Don't breathe, 100% of people who breathe die at some point."
#41
"Always get through red lights as quickly as possible. Stopping increases your chance of being carjacked."
Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago
It's the middle of the night, you're on a lonely road, fields and woods all around you. There's a lonely traffic light, and it's red. You stand there and wait until it turns green, because you're in Germany. 🇩🇪
#42
Don’t find someone rich.
DennyS (denzoren) 1 year ago
I mean, it is difficult. They're always on vacation or on a yacht.
#43
Don’t buy a bikini. Instead, get a size XXXL men’s shirt. That way, men won’t notice you.
Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago
I bet you don't get the intended result when you have a wet white shirt clinging to you...
#44
Never break two laws at the same time because that’s how you get caught.
#45
"Unlikely to happen but here we are. If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that."
#49
There is never enough time in the morning. Try to combine brushing your teeth with your breakfast.
ᶜʰᵃᵒᵗⁱᶜ ˡᵉᵍᵃˡ 1 year ago
"Jimmy, are you brushing with orange juice again!?" "No mom, it's granola!"
#50
"From my father: don’t go to the doctor’s office if you only have one problem. Wait until you have four or five; that’s how you get the most bang for your buck."
#51
"Need to be somewhere on time and don't want to deal with traffic? Inflate your car's tires with helium and gradually float to your destination."
#53
Pee into the wind without worry.
#54
If you pull clothes out of your closet or drawer and decide not to wear them, go ahead and throw them in the dirty clothes. Doing laundry is loads of fun.
#55
Take as much time as you need in the car rider line. No one is in a hurry.
#56
"'Put some butter on it' - My father to me directly after getting a 3rd-degree burn on my arm (cooking accident)."
DennyS (denzoren) 1 year ago
I've heard and seen this done...somehow this is one of those old beliefs.
#58
When drunk always send the nude and text ex.
#59
Add a cup of antifreeze to your break fluid so it doesn't freeze this winter.
#60
"Don't study computer programming. The market is probably going to be saturated by the time you graduate."
From a computer science professor in the mid-80s.
#61
"Just get a degree. It doesn't matter which one."
$40,000 and one unused degree later...
Jeff Gabrisl 1 year ago
I got a degree in philosophy, I can't find a job, but at least I know why!
#63
Never date a girl who pays her rent in one’s.
#64
"Invest in brother-in-law's bar. Thanks, Dad. Bye-bye 30k and bye-bye bar. Did not know I'd be working alongside an illiterate buffoon."
#65
"If someone is starving to death, don't give them any food, or you will be interfering with God's will."
#67
"When confronted by a bear, give it a hug and tell him it'll be alright."
DennyS (denzoren) 1 year ago
There there brown bear, have no fear, we'll get there, don't shed a tear, whenever you're sad I'll be here.
#68
"Instead of paying for a gym membership just join the military."
Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago
If you have kink that involves people with weapons, intent on killing you, go right ahead!
#69
"If you run out of dishwasher detergent, just substitute it with regular dish soap. A big mistake that will only be made once."
ArodTheHorrible 1 year ago
On the plus side, all the suds clean your floor and part of your walls, right?
#70
"Apply garlic to a freshly opened cut or burn to immediately intensify the pain."
#71
"If you are afraid someone will say no, just don't ask."
#73
"If you're sad and you can't stop crying, make a water bottle and cry into it and then drink your tears. You'll feel stupid and start laughing at how random and quirky you are."
#74
"Take action take control, quit school."
#75
"If you don't know if something is microwavable put it in the microwave to test if it is."
ArodTheHorrible 1 year ago
Then go grocery shopping. If your house is still standing when you return, it must be ok
#77
"Before going through resumes, throw the top half in the trash. You don't want to hire unlucky people."
#78
"Invest in DVDs because you can pawn them for cash when you need money."
#79
"Got a new tattoo? Don’t use healing creams! Let your dog lick it, dog saliva has an antiseptic!"
#80
"Was told by a sailor of 5 decades that the best way to get rid of sunburn is to take the hottest shower possible. Not only did that cause immeasurable pain, but didn't help in the slightest."
#81
"As a temporary measure, it's ok to insert a copper penny into a screw-in fuse box circuit until replacement fuses can be obtained."
That dangerous "advice" almost caused a house fire due to an overheating circuit.
What do you think ?
Reginald the spider crab 1 year ago
if you ever feel down about yourself,simply remember that the world would be a better place without you. you cannot let that happen.keep living out of spite,and to outlive your enemies.become to angry towards those who hate you to die.
Panda Pandemic 1 year ago
Stuff like this however funny is kind of scary. There are people still learning and don't know any better and can think this is advice. Better yet some people are not fortunate enough to have someone in their lives to teach them and make them aware. Besides it's just not cool to mislead anyone no matter how comical we think it is.
Reginald the spider crab 1 year ago
if you ever feel down about yourself,simply remember that the world would be a better place without you. you cannot let that happen.keep living out of spite,and to outlive your enemies.become to angry towards those who hate you to die.
Panda Pandemic 1 year ago
Stuff like this however funny is kind of scary. There are people still learning and don't know any better and can think this is advice. Better yet some people are not fortunate enough to have someone in their lives to teach them and make them aware. Besides it's just not cool to mislead anyone no matter how comical we think it is.
You May Like 50 Funny Yet Helpful Pieces Of Advice That Might Become A Guiding Light For Any Tricky Situation “Die In A Minute”: 40 Times Autocorrect Made A Mess From A Normal Text 50 Times People Ruined A Perfectly Good Panoramic Shot
Justina Čiapaitė
Ilona Baliūnaitė
Akvile Petraityte 🇺🇦
Related on Bored Panda
