How am I jealous of a post?

Shut up and take my money!

That uncle has a strange name, Anxiety Disorder. Bet he was not so popular.

Him: Guess where we're going to eat. Me: Paris?

That's wholesome!

Double Bonus! You get to feel virtuous twice…first when you save food, then later when you clean up the fridge.

B******t. I was born in 1962 and my mother taught me everything home-ec. I can cook. I can bake. I can properly wrap a gift. I know how to dust and sweep and vacuum and clean. And it's all because my mother taught me that stuff. And my mother wasn't a "weirdo" for the time.

Truly one of the best TEDs I've seen.

But don't say out loud "I'm glad YOU'RE happy"

Rudolph is a male name and is referred to as male. Rudolph is biologically female but presents as male. Rudolph is transgendeer.

As someone who has lost a brother to suicide ..this is an awesome message

This is the truest story I've ever read

Then they throw salt in the wound with the "When I was your age" speech.

And that's with december being almost over

In a minute…

The moms on the bus go zzz zzz zzz

She already came back an hour later AND bought donuts and iced coffee? She didn't use the time very well to take care of herself. I would have sent my wife away again. (Once we would have eaten the donuts.

I don't think her apologizing for sitting in her seat has anything to do with her being an introvert... I am one and just would put on my headphones and watch a movie in peace. I cannot imagine what I would have to apologize for.

He has learned the impossible. He is the master.

Leonardo painted the Mona Lisa for 4 years, you're good.

❤️

Who has time for that s**t? Chuck em all in, and whichever gets stained are too weak to be a part of your wardrobe. Done and dusted.

I have said so many sentences I never knew I would need to say but the amount of times I’ve had to say “Dont lick that” is astounding. Most common is don’t lick the floor (typically in public), but other family favorites are don’t lick the slide at the playground, the bottom of so and so’s shoe, the door handle, the edge of the restaurant table, my toes… no idea why my son got sick so often as a toddler.

Oh, can you put the bins out to the curb while you're there?

F**k yes, i can vouch for this. I have been doing this for the last 5 years.

I listened to 20 years of complaints about how bad I snore. Boyfriend even made me use my CPAP machine to help with my sleep apnea because I snore so badly. HIS snoring and sleep apnea is 10 times worse than mine, but he won’t use a CPAP, see a doctor about it, or do anything about it. I have to sleep on the literal opposite end of the house from him. And he says he “misses me” at night. Sorry, buddy, I like to actually be able to sleep!

I need a half and half basket

This is funny....but you'll never catch me referring to my wife as "the wife"

Yup. Literally every important place has “call dad first” because he’s the one who will pick up the phone. Email? Me, I got that covered.

I was going to say me too only to realize I won't be buried!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

That's hurtful. I am an adult and even I agree to put shoes on. I am in bed.

My lovely wife has done this to me and has had a conversation in her head, to the point were she is unhappy with my response, before I've even been made aware of the "conversation". I'm like, "but, I, what, who, how, why,.......I'm sorry". It is quite funny but also a little scary.

The doctor said I needed to consume more greens. Creme de menthe is green. For all I know, so is whatever is in this little green bottle.

Sometimes we all just need to vent about our partner. Get the petty annoyances out before they fester and turn into something bad

That excuse blows

Ummm, I, ummm, got a question. What are muumuus in this case? Sincerely, a german

Better love story than Twilight

Word.

I do wish meme-makers learned to speak/write the languages they pilfer to make something funny... "there, they're, their"... "bought, brought".... waa laaa = voila! It's French, it's not difficult! I am going to lie down now... ;-)

Especially when plans involve the husband 🙃

Haha i love this guy. The amount of his tweets that i have saved to my camera roll is…. Well…. Questionable.

*Wife wakes up because a bird farted*

Relationship goals! 🥰

Are you Sarah Millican?

Don't underestimate the power of a little human!

I’m the “oh,” celeb of the day, a former steeler who’s name I forget but apparently he went to Penn State and there was a celebration in 2 days for something major. It sounded sad. 🙁

But... but...socks live on the floor?