“Your heart’s in the right place, but I don’t know where the hell your brain is.”

“What’s the point of going out? We’re just gonna wind up back here, anyway.”

“I’ll tell you there, Bobbo, either this kid has a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.”

“Cheese. It’s milk that you chew.”

“When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

“Joey doesn’t share food!”

“Sometimes I don’t feel like going to work but then I remember I was born cute not rich.”

“We were both wrong, not equally wrong. You were at least six more wronger than me.”

“When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.”

“Actually doing things gets you fired.”

“If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.”

“Help me, please. I’m too moist and tender to retire.”

“Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain.”

“Shut up and take my money!”

“Is mayonnaise an instrument?”

“No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.”

“When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life’ll be all like ‘what?!’”

“Who is Justice Beaver?”

“I have an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.”

“Do you think people will still be using napkins in the year 2000, or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?”

“Your father will be home soon, and he will be looking for dinner. Tell him I hope he finds it.”

“From the first moment in that coffee shop, I knew that there was something special between us, even though I did work on a study that disproved love at first sight.”

“I’m not overweight. I’m undertall.”

“My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.”

“You two get your B-double-O-Bs off my husband!”

“If I didn’t have you, life would be blue, I’d be Dr. Who without the TARDIS.”

“I tell you, when I actually die, some people are going to get seriously haunted.”

“I’m cracking eggs of wisdom!”

“Of all the friends I’ve had, you’re the first.”

“Eat my shorts!”

“Well, it began like that, and then middle, middle, middle, and then I sold her to a drug dealer.”

“It’s like we both had these holes in our lives, but now we fill each other’s holes.”

“When my time comes, I want to be buried face down, so that anybody that doesn’t like me can kiss my ass.”

“Eh, what’s up, Doc?”

“The three true branches of the government are military, corporate, and Hollywood.”

“Well, your Ken can kiss my Barbie.”

“Ruh-roh–RAGGY!!!”

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“Get out of here, Summer! You ruined the Season 4 premiere!”

“My butler hung up on me.”

“Oh yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I’m thinking? I’m thinking shut up and get a salad!”

“Help!”

“Dad, don’t do anything stupid! You haven’t updated your will yet.”

“Mom, Dad, I love you. Please don’t sell me to Paris Hilton.”

“Ever since we said ‘I do,’ there have been so many things that we don’t.”

“I’m sorry you’re stupid.”

“Why do you want to irritate your corn?”

“Stan, don’t you know the first law of physics? Anything that’s fun costs at least eight dollars.”

“What seems to be the officer, problem?”

“Damn Jackie, I can’t control the weather.”

“If cell phones worked, every movie would be two minutes long.”

“If I wanted something my brother had, I’d knock him down and take it.”

“She’s really a very sweet woman. She just doesn’t like to show it.”

“I haven’t seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.”

“We can make this work, like couples who meet on Craigslist.”

“I love the snow! I am a winter nymph! I love America!”

“I’m going to come up with something so romantic and heartfelt it’s gonna make you feel like a piece of crap! A piece of crap!”

“I was watching a provocative movie on cable TV called ‘The Net,’ starring that woman from ‘The Bus.’”

“I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.”