“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public

Most of us, for a variety of good reasons, will spend our time in public, eardrums ensconced in earphones or headphones to drown out the noise. But every now and then, it can be worth it to just listen to the conversations flowing around you because sometimes folks end up saying something truly hilarious without knowing it.

Someone asked “What was the funniest thing that you heard someone say in public?” and netizens shared the best, out of context conversations they have overheard. So get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and be sure to share your own examples in the comments below.

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public "Can't you see I'm blind?" "No because I'm blind too!" Two blind men before laughing their a**es off after bumping into each other.

Accurate_Western_346 , MART PRODUCTION/pexels Report

Final score:

371points

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Aliaksadr Lukauski 7 months ago

Did we just became best friends?

150points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Guy next to me at a urinal farted once and loudly says "sometimes when it rains it thunders". I stole it.

PhysiologyIsPhun , Ketut Subiyanto/pexels Report

Final score:

274points

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PandaJon 7 months ago

Were you standing next to Confucius?

47points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public A middle aged man in a phone call in a hospital cafeteria. “They did an autopsy on me and we’re waiting for results. I mean a BIOPSY! I’m not dead yet.”

Extension-Concept-88 , Ono Kosuki/pexels Report

Final score:

252points

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blobby 7 months ago

Yet?

54points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public I was sitting on the patio at a bar one afternoon just watching birds and enjoying a few beers alone. Next to me was a group of older folks (around retirement age) just hanging out. They were talking about all kinds of things. I’d drift in and out of listening to them when I heard one man talking about his doctor. He said the doctor had passed away two years prior in almost a depressed tone. The other men told him:

“Don’t be so sad man it’s not like he was your wife or anything.”

And without skipping a beat the man replied:

“I know I shouldn’t be so upset but man he just gave really good prostate exams.”

The entire table started cracking up. I nearly spit my beer out from laughing so hard and the man pointed at me and said:

“See he gets it!”

The laughter only got louder. I didn’t talk to them afterwards or butt into their conversation but it’s a fond memory of mine.

ieatpizzadouches , Mido Makasardi ©️/pexels Report

Final score:

240points

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Auntriarch 7 months ago

Butt into their conversation 😂

168points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public During a very quiet moment at church, in a service with both adults and children, a young child loudly asked his dad,”Does Spider-Man have a pen*s?!”😂😂😂😂😂.

Wonderful_Might6693 , cottonbro studio/pexels Report

Final score:

239points

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Penguin Panda Pop 7 months ago

No, but he does have an auxillary web shooter. (downvotes understandable).

205points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public I had put a hamburger on the seat of my son's baby stroller. My son was with my wife. Some guy walked by, looked down and without a beat said "Looks just like the father" and went on before I could call him an a*****e.

horschdhorschd , scott neil/pexels Report

Final score:

218points

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General Anaesthesia 7 months ago

Athlete?

74points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public I was walking along 10th street in Brooklyn when a man walked by on his phone and all I caught of his conversation was "I don't know, I've never owned a f*****g giraffe before."

Wonderful_Whereas402 , Ketut Subiyanto/pexels Report

Final score:

210points

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KinoEel 7 months ago

Well evidently someone needed tips in caring for their giraffe (writing this made me question how to spell evidently so if it’s wrong sue me)

48points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Boy at preschool was introduced to a new girl named Paige. He pulls one of the teachers aside and says “you know that her name is Paige?? Do you think…her parents like books?”.

rdmeroz , Mikhail Nilov /pexels Report

Final score:

207points

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Zoe's Mom 7 months ago

That's actually really cute.

116points

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After watching a Bro-y dude do this huge burnout at a stoplight leaving like a dozen people (including myself) in a cloud of smoke and dust my friend yelled louder than I've ever heard before "I'm sorry about your penis!" We all had a good laugh amidst the coughing.

Feline-Landline0 Report

Final score:

207points

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geezeronthehill 7 months ago

Saw a local cop arresting a guy for doing burnouts in a crowded parking lot. As I walked past he was saying "Look, buddy, I don't care how short your weiner is, you don't drive like that in my town."

159points

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#10

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Dude jazz singing 🎶Better find a bathrooooom, before I s**t my paaaaants🎶 while skipping along at the Botanical Garden in Hawaii. We didn't hear it in person but our dad caught it on our VHS-C camcorder and we wore out the tape rewinding it and laughing for years.

RealDAFTBONCHKOOPA , August de Richelieu/pexels Report

Final score:

206points

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blobby 7 months ago

🎶I just s**t my pants, it was diarrhea, thought it was a fart, turns out it was diarrhea 🎶

51points

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#11

An older woman standing outside a restaurant… She was waiting for her husband to come pick her up because it was raining. He kept arguing about picking her up. Told her just to suck it up and walk across the parking lot. Finally he left and went to the car. She looks at me and says if I could teach a dildo to bring home a paycheck I wouldn’t have to put up with his s**t.

rgk0925 Report

Final score:

204points

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KinoEel 7 months ago

Well AI is getting better and being implemented in more and more household items

54points

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#12

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Went to see Thor Ragnarok and was seated next to a mother and teenage son. After the Hulk fight when Hemsworth is topless the following exchange happens in hushed tones but sitting next to them I could hear.

Mom: oh yummy
Son: mom shhhhhh
Mom: what
Son: that's embarrassing stop being gross
Mom: why exactly did you think I was watching this?

Threndsa , Pavel Danilyuk/pexels Report

Final score:

201points

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Cee Sparrow 7 months ago

I mean, that would be the ONLY reason I would see a show called Thor Ragnarok.

63points

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#13

At intermission during ‘The Phantom of the Opera’ on Broadway. Scottish teenage boy seated in front of me turns to his mother (in a thickkk Glaswegian accent):

“I always thought that the Phantom was meant to be some kind of tragic, romantic anti-hero. But he’s just a f*****g d**k”.

LongBombsToSnake Report

Final score:

184points

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Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 7 months ago

My mind read that in a Billy Connolly voice

106points

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#14

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public I was waiting in line at the convenience store. The guy in Front of me at the register had to cancel his transaction or something. Young woman working the register called out to her manager " I need your approval '. Guy said " it's ok I think you're doing a fine job.".

sublevelstreetpusher Report

Final score:

184points

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7 months ago

yall I love the girl's hairstyle i wear my hair like that everyday :DD i know its off topic but yea

45points

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#15

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public A very pregnant friend of mine and I were at a pharmacy to get, among other things, a toothbrush. While she was looking, a visibly nervous teen boy slinks past us and stops in front of the condoms etc, about six feet away from us in the same aisle. My friend, tracking the embarrassment that only teens can get, held her belly and shouted to the kid “Hey kid! You want me to tell you which ones DON’T work?”

I’ve never seen anyone turn so red, or run so fast.

canadianpaleale , Maria Pashkova/pexels Report

Final score:

165points

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cerinamroth 7 months ago

Could have ended up getting someone else pregnant or giving them an STD! People should never be shamed for wanting to use contraception.

144points

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#16

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public When I worked in a library. Overheard two kids in the children's area. Brendan 1: "Your name's Brendan? My name's Brendan too. Are we.......brothers?" Brendan 2: "No. I'm in the first grade."

EerieArizona , Mikhail Nilov/pexels Report

Final score:

159points

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Mark 7 months ago

The Brendans are too powerful. They've met. We must evacuate now.

81points

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#17

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Was outside doing some yard work when a neighborhood kid was riding his bike past my house. He ends up falling down at the end of my driveway and I go “hey are you alright?”

He gets back up on his bike and yells “no thanks, I already have a family!” Then rides away. I chuckle every time I remember it.

daewood69 , Tarikul Raana/pexels Report

Final score:

156points

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Kimbowa 7 months ago

Made me laugh out loud. “Hey you wanna be my son?” No thanks…

45points

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#18

Was in a restroom once at Caesar’s Palace in Vegas. Some guy in the bathroom stall ripped this huge fart and a random guy washing his hands shouted, “Hail Caesar!”.

Rallye_Man340 Report

Final score:

154points

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Dick Fint 7 months ago

Veni, vedi, flatus!

28points

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#19

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Overheard a conversation about people talking about rich people and weird foods, and eventually they started talking about oysters. One of them remarked, “well if you wanna eat boogers outta rocks, you gotta be rich”.

stinkyboiiii , Dominika Poláková/pexels Report

Final score:

151points

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Ace 7 months ago

Not wrong though.

103points

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#20

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public I lived in Amsterdam at the time, a city widely known for all adults and most children having a fluent command of English Was walking behind a group of American tourists speaking English saying “you know what the coolest thing about being in Europe is? You can speak to each other and no one understands a word we’re saying, we can say anything we want” Was amazingly dense and pretty funny.

smartshoe , Matheus Bertelli/pexels Report

Final score:

143points

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Stannous Flouride 7 months ago

When I took Tagalog back in the 1990s I had a streak of blue hair and often rode the bus with older Filipinos who usually had something to say about it. I loved saying "Ayaw mo ba ng kulay asul?" (Don't you like the color blue?) but always did so with a smile and a wink that made them laugh.

84points

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#21

An elderly couple in the supermarket. He's walking funny and she turns to him and says “You've still got a hard-on! I told you it wouldn't wear off by now”.

HarrargnNarg Report

Final score:

142points

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Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 7 months ago

I guess he took the blue pill ...

75points

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#22

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public I was riding my bike and passed by a guy going the opposite way on a unicycle. As we pass he said, “F****n’ two wheeler!”.

rockerroller , Robert Miller/flickr Report

Final score:

133points

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Mark 7 months ago

Peasant, I laugh from my zero-wheeled sailboat. I can't do anything else, because I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean

79points

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#23

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Grocery store:
“I know how to buy eggs Diane, I’ve done it before…”

I could not stop saying this for the rest of the day. I was a real joy to be around.

crommulence_now , Jack Sparrow/pexels Report

Final score:

133points

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Lotekguy 7 months ago

I've never seen Eggs Diane in a store or on a menu. How much of a treat am I missing?

45points

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#24

My sister went to see Titanic. After the credits rolled someone behind her stretched then said:

> I told you it sank .

Glad_Possibility7937 Report

Final score:

132points

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Lee Banks 7 months ago

Very first boyfriend took me to see this in the theater. During one scene, he told me he loved me. I awkwardly replied with "I love her dress." The non thirteen year old couple behind us nearly died trying to contain their laughter.

16points

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#25

I know this won’t reach many but I was at a pizza place and there was this family of four (mom, dad, grandpa, kid that’s maybe 5-6 years old) and all I hear from the kid is, “YOU’RE ALMOST 50?! THAT’S HALFWAY TO BEING DEAD!!”.

Chillificate Report

Final score:

132points

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Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 7 months ago

I'm 67... I'm more than halfway... lol

61points

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#26

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Wife and I are grocery shopping and in the row next to us we hear a child getting agitated and having words with his brother. Out of the blue we hear him say to his mother “Mom! Jake is breathing my air”. Wife and I look at each other and giggle. We rush to their row and we find Jake is a small 2 month old in a carrier.

MakeMeASandwichGirl , Timur Weber/pexels Report

Final score:

131points

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Kimbowa 7 months ago

I know. I hate sharing my air with people sometimes. Isn’t there enough to go around?

42points

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#27

A mom and her son were checking out at a Home Depot. The cashier was scanning the ladies purchases then scanned the kids hand, looked at her scanner and said to the boy, you are free! The kid looked at her and said, no I'm not I am 5.

whatnow4239 Report

Final score:

126points

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Kimbowa 7 months ago

3 free!

31points

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#28

A friend of a friend was shopping and had her kid with her. As they walked by the feminine products aisle her 6 yr old son asked her very loudly if she needed to get another big box of v*gina diapers because Dad says you bleed like a stuck pig. I was crying I was laughing so hard. When she seen me and my friend standing there she went ten shades of red.

Northmech Report

Final score:

120points

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PattyK 7 months ago

… she saw me …

68points

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#29

I was in church and somehow the subject of sex was brought up by the pastor. Some lady in front of me said "I pray before, during and after" followed by a hallelujah.

theprodigy93 Report

Final score:

118points

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Auntriarch 7 months ago

If you count yelling "oh god yes" as a prayer

115points

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#30

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public My dad adopted a dog that has a poop-eating habit, eats every other dog’s droppings. My sister came over with some breath spray for dogs. Dad’s response: “she eats poop. You can’t just throw a tic-tac on a pile of manure.”

defnotapirate , Mithul Varshan/pexels Report

Final score:

112points

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Myrtille rat 7 months ago

when doggos eat poop that's often caused by a lack of vitamin B because of a malabsortion , can also be a side effect of stress or because they have parasites a quick check to the vet might be needed

92points

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#31

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Not really in public because he was a temporary coworker of mine, but in making small talk he mentioned that his son was looking at colleges to go to. So I asked him if his son was a junior or a senior. And he said “No, I named him after my dad”

That was years ago and I still have no idea how to respond to that.

santaclausonprozac , Canva Studio/pexels Report

Final score:

106points

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Kimbowa 7 months ago

Lol

21points

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#32

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public A pregnant woman at Walmart talking to a cashier said “yeah I’m gettin a DUI after this one, no more kids.” Of course she meant IUD but the lady didn’t correct her and I died laughing. Maybe it was pregnancy brain.

corpimposter , Ketut Subiyanto/pexels Report

Final score:

101points

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LillieMean 7 months ago (edited)

Reminds me of when my husband's brother said he bought a new LSD monitor even though he meant an LCD monitor. We managed to joke around with lots of, hear the colors brighter jokes. Edit: typo

46points

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#33

An instructor for a school club turned to another instructor:

“Have you signed that thing that says, ‘I don’t diddle kids’ yet?”

I died.

WeinerB23 Report

Final score:

100points

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Lotekguy 7 months ago

Big difference in meaning whether the end quote mark is before or after the "yet".

74points

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#34

Friend of mine in high school went to pick up her little brother from some sort of after school activity. There was a lady sucking on a cigarette standing near the school doors talking on her cell phone loudly. In the most grizzled smoker voice she said "Hot dogs will give you cancer." *Takes a draw from the cigarette* "One bite and you're a goner."

acheron53 Report

Final score:

100points

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Stannous Flouride 7 months ago

In 2020 a neighbor said he'd never get vaxxed because "you don't know what's in it" _as_ he was smoking a cigarette.

80points

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#35

I was at a Rubio’s many years ago and the woman in front me had brought her food up to the counter to tell them she had ordered chicken tacos but had gotten fish tacos. She and the employee are going back and forth on what’s in the tacos, the employee was adamant it was chicken. The woman is really pissed at this point and goes “It’s fish. If you don’t believe me, smell my fingers”. My friend and I ended up going outside because we were laughing so hard.

emi2018 Report

Final score:

98points

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Lester the Space Duck 7 months ago

Smells like fish, tastes like chicken.

31points

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#36

Two of my friends joking around til one of them says "you know, if the Catholic Church knew of your existence they'd immediately endorse abortions" 💀.

espectro11 Report

Final score:

97points

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Greg Baughman 7 months ago

One of my favorite insults is "You're just mad because you were the pro-choice poster child"

42points

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#37

“Well ever since she got the dog, she only buys organic eggs.” “Oh does she feed the dog eggs?” “No, but you know, being a pet owner is a big responsibility so she’s trying to watch her health.”

gaqua Report

Final score:

88points

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Krd 7 months ago

In their defense if I was to die right now, I would be more concerned with what happens to my cat more than anything else.

72points

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#38

We stopped at a yard sale one weekend. We had a really small bulldog with us, super friendly and they were ok with her being there while we browsed. Their little girl, maybe four years old, asked to pet the bulldog and we said she’d love that. So the little girl leans over to pet the pup… and that causes her to do the plumber’s butt crack thing. Mom runs over and pulls the pants and pull up diaper back up. The little girl turns to mom and says “I’m not done pooping yet.”

Mom’s face… it was like the visual version of one of those abrupt record scratches. We played it cool with a little chuckle and said “kids, gotta love em.” We got back to the car and just lost it, just crying laughing.

sunburn_on_the_brain Report

Final score:

87points

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Out of chocolate 7 months ago

This person estimated that the kid was “about 4” This kid could have been three, which is generally when most kids are fully trained but not all. Second, as a special education teacher, I have six year olds in diapers with expressive language but unable to control their bodily functions. What I am saying is this: we don’t know the situation.

40points

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#39

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Someone brought an infant to a formal/dress wear restaurant at 9 at night that was constantly crying, heard someone say "that's a kid I'd leave at the airport".

RoseWould , cottonbro studio/pexels Report

Final score:

84points

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Kimbowa 7 months ago

But then it would just become a crying baby on the airplane.

16points

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#40

Was at a bar once, and there was a drunk girl trying to put on her heels for a few minutes. She was clearly *gone* gone, and couldn't manage. A man that was there with her said "It's like watching a monkey try to f**k a football." and I couldn't help but catch a case of the giggles.

The words themselves didn't do it, but the mental image wrecked me.

Tylensus Report

Final score:

83points

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Peter Trudell Jr 7 months ago

Once had a comedy bit about drunk people. You can tell a person is too drunk when they can't put on their shoes. First they'll find their foot but not their shoe... then they'll drop their foot and find the shoe, but now can't find their foot again... it continues until they pass out.

39points

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#41

Overheard two grown men in a grocery story...

"mom said you have to buy your OWN ice cream from now on!".

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Final score:

32points

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#42

Was walking past a group of teenagers whilst on my way to do some shopping...they were horse playing around and I just heard one girl yell out "Arggghhhh man, Cameron, you just kicked me right in the p**s flaps!!!" So so loudly...I stifled a laugh but saw so many people stop and just look over to her 🤣.

KindHermit Report

Final score:

28points

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#43

I overheard a group of maybe high schoolers arguing who is more country. One just asked “You’re country, huh? How long is your driveway?”

Tokent23 Report

Final score:

27points

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Sue User 7 months ago

I told a telehealth nurse i get winded walking my driveway and she said" thats very bad". Then I realised my mistake and clarified" its longer than a football field"

24points

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#44

At community college in the Detroit area in U.S. Government class, the prof was lecturing about how the federal government used threats to withdraw funding to coerce the states into making the legal drinking age 21.

A girl right behind me said to the girl next to her, "Then why can I go to Canada and drink?"

The other girl said, "I think that's, like, another country.".

apetoo Report

Final score:

27points

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Rebelliousslug 7 months ago

Yikes, they were college age?

18points

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#45

Couple in a dark theater before the previews:

GUY: "I can't see s**t!"

GIRL: "...but can you smell it?".

Chabedieux Report

Final score:

26points

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Arnold Larkins 7 months ago

*sniff sniff*

3points

#46

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Guy at a pet store feeds a goldfish to a tank full of turtles.
Turtles go NUTS.
Me: WOW, do they always get this excited about food?
Guy: I don't know, I don't work here.

socks4theHomeless , Taryn Elliott/pexels Report

Final score:

25points

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Myrtille rat 7 months ago

monster :(

29points

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#47

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Guy walks by with a bag of food, another guy said HEY! You get me anything? Dude stops, says yeah, I got you a two piece, and raised both fists. They both hyena laughed.

ECUTrent , Tahir Osman/pexels Report

Final score:

25points

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#48

I was coming out of a movie with a couple friends, and we passed two kids on their way into another movie. As we passed them, I heard one kid say to the other,

"Yo mama is so poor when she dies she'll drop common loot!"

and I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. I don't know if that's a common one for kids now, but I'd never heard it. F*****g slayed me.

The_Quammunist Report

Final score:

25points

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Cee Sparrow 7 months ago

What is common loot?

17points

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#49

I was in the local Korean supermarket walking out and this little Korean boy is singing, "It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!" And his dad who was pushing him in the shopping cart says, " NO! It's not a peanut butter jelly time!"

Mysterious_Valuable1 Report

Final score:

24points

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Ranger Kanootsen 7 months ago

*Looks into the distance* It's ALWAYS peanut butter jelly time...🫡

21points

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#50

When a bird gives you a present, *you keep that present* Rebecca!

brandon_f221 Report

Final score:

22points

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General Anaesthesia 7 months ago

Birdie birdie in the sky, do not do that in my eye, boy am I glad cows can't fly. That present?

18points

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#51

A young woman from my apartment building got into a car accident, while trying to exit and turn left onto the main roadway (4-lanes, 35mph).

I was in the lobby when she came back in with her dad after the accident, and she said:

"well, what was i supposed to do? just wait there forever!?".

cad908 Report

Final score:

22points

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2DB 7 months ago

A great many left-turn collisions happen for just that reason: the one making the turn loses patience & forgets that the Universe doesn't recognize their urgency.

5points

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#52

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public At work today, my coworkers and I were having a very passionate conversation about if ketchup is good or not. One of my coworkers said, “Ketchup is for white people who pretend to like flavor.” I couldn’t stop laughing.

freallyvibing , Katerina Holmes/pexels Report

Final score:

22points

POST

I’ll have a treble thanks. 7 months ago

Upvoted because it was funny, maybe not ´politically ´ correct but funny.

16points

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#53

In 2021, I was in a COVID testing line behind a mom and son who I overheard were getting tests for international travel purposes. The son said “next trip, I want to go somewhere exotic…like New Jersey” (this was in NYC).

brooklynredhed Report

Final score:

21points

POST

Anononymeousesis (He/Him) 7 months ago

An adjacent state, for any unaware.

14points

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#54

Wandering Walmart late at night. Dude I’m the next aisle over, loudly asking : DO YOU HAVE ANY HATS…? OF THE PARTY VARIETY?!

My partner and I now regularly refer to items as being of the “blank” variety as an inside joke.

Cy-Guy Report

Final score:

21points

POST

Did I say that out loud? (he/him)cis/het 7 months ago

Sounds like a reference to "House of Fun" by Madness.

5points

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#55

People constantly tell me how their kid has “done a complete 360” meaning a 180 with improved whatever.

love2go Report

Final score:

20points

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Stannous Flouride 7 months ago

Unless you're a figure skating coach.

17points

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#56

"He operates like a scavenging street rat.".

yuiwerty Report

Final score:

20points

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Me Oh My 7 months ago

Definitely not something you want to hear about a surgeon.

9points

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#57

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public I was teaching a 5 year old drum lessons at a studio and I wrote the word “rhythm” on the board. Pointing at it, I asked him if he knew how to say this word.

He stared at it for 5 seconds and said, “I can’t read.”.

Abject_Newspaper_627 , cottonbro studio/pexels Report

Final score:

19points

POST

7 months ago

its alright, English spelling /reading gets confusing sometimes lol :D. for example as a kid i thought you pronounced the l in salmon.

9points

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#58

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public On 9/11 in nyc:

"You know it's serious when Starbucks is closed".

Vampilton , Tim Mossholder/pexels Report

Final score:

19points

POST

Display_Name 7 months ago

Same with Waffle House.

8points

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#59

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public "Hold on, I need to air my pimple..." while holding his bangs up.

Dalostbear , Ralph Rabago/pexels Report

Final score:

18points

POST

Krd 7 months ago

Im guessing his hair was poking into a sore pimple/blemish?!

5points

#60

Riding Pirates of the Caribbean in Disneyland, a row of 4 obnoxious teenage girls (OTG) sitting behind us talking VERY loudly. After the drops I hear:

OTG1: "Oh my God, I'm going to get chlamydia from this ride!"

Me (an ER nurse): "you mean giardia, chlamydia is a sexually transmitted disease."

Friend sitting next to me (an ER MD): *laughs*

OTGs don't talk for the rest of the ride.

orngckn42 Report

Final score:

18points

POST

Scott Dankel 7 months ago

Right before OTG is used, is the phrase obnoxious teenage girls. I'm old, but even I got that one.

8points

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#61

While taking a train back from a hockey game in Denver, some drunk guys in their early 20s were drunk and being completely obnoxious to everyone around them … Stuff like spitting their tobacco chew under their seats and talking about obscene/ridiculous stuff for a solid 20 min.

A guy next to me in an opposing Canucks jersey was chatting with my group under his breath about how offensive their conversations were, and how annoyed he was at these guys…

Their topic gets to “woke issues” and one of the a******s goes “I don’t get why Harvey Weinstein gets so much flak…. I love Harvey Weinstein”.

… without missing a beat, the Canucks jersey guy matches their frat bro-voice and sarcastically goes: “oh yeah - Weinstein! … I loved that one thing he was in …. What was her name again?!”.

… It took us all by surprise as this guy had been pretty quiet before - so to hear him flip the script and match their level of obnoxious sexist frat-bro voice was too f*****g funny. My friends and I started howling laughing… the a******s tried to quip back with nonsense that didn’t land… which made it even funnier.

I still laugh when I think about this moment.

smiteme Report

Final score:

17points

POST

StretcherBearer 7 months ago (edited)

🤮 fraternity 🤡

9points

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#62

In a concert venue restroom, dude loudly asks, "So, p**s here often?!..Sorry, just trying to break the ice...".

Okay_Advice1942 Report

Final score:

17points

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Greg Baughman 7 months ago

I call BS on this one. Dudes do NOT have casual conversations while at a urinal.... It's in the unwritten "bro code".

29points

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#63

I was in the theater watching Bohemian Rhapsody, and I forget the scene, but some kid blurted out, "Is everyone in this movie gay?".

the_steve_tell Report

Final score:

17points

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athornedrose 7 months ago

there's a line in the movie where someone says something along the lines of "no one is going to crank that [bohemian rhapsody] in their car with their friends by an all male band called queen" and my friend and i laughed so loud. 2 elderly men in front of us turned to stare and we said "sorry. it's just that we actually do that" the held up their clasped hands and said "we know. we did too once upon a time" and smiled at us. it was so friggen cute.

19points

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#64

I'm in an hospital elevator I hear this old guy go to a young guy "you're the only one here not in a wheelchair" the young guy goes "yeah I'm jealous" I couldn't stop laughing.

Glittering_Suit_6511 Report

Final score:

16points

POST

Kimbowa 7 months ago

He wished he was sitting down I hope?

3points

#65

I once heard a man ask someone at the grocery store for “Mexican taco bread”.

Platyduck Report

Final score:

16points

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SparkDragon 7 months ago

Brain fart

16points

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#66

Stoner lady at the pet store: "If I was a cat, I would eat catnip.".

2manyhotdogs Report

Final score:

16points

POST

Oskar vanZandt 7 months ago

Who wouldn't?!? I'd also sniff it, lick it, bat it and roll around in it... Like my cats do.

5points

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#67

Walking down a sketchy street a guy probably on d***s talking to another guy: did you know the marshmallow man in ghostbusters won an academy award?

stretch_muffler Report

Final score:

15points

POST

SH Holmes 7 months ago

I was so confused at first because I thought he was on d***s instead of d***s.

24points

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#68

I used to work at a gourmet candy shop. Christmas time, store was PACKED, parents bring their stuff up and have an 8 year old boy.

They were buying alcoholic chocolate and the kid just SO LOUD goes "WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR THAT!!! OR PEANUT BUTTER!!!"

The mom is mortified, the dad goes "yeah what's your peanutbutter exchange rate?" Mom mortified even more.

Redvixenx Report

Final score:

15points

POST

Beck 7 months ago

I don’t really get it…..what’s the joke?

6points

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#69

Once I was hiking back in the early 2000’s, and I walked past a Dad with his daughter and her friend. The daughter said to the friend “I wish I were at the mall or at home watching MTV right now…” It was hilarious at the time, and now is a perfect microcosm of the era. I often wonder where that woman is today and what she is doing.

trainwreck42 Report

Final score:

13points

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Rebelliousslug 7 months ago

At home watching ridiculousness or catfish

12points

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#70

"Mommy is she a girl or a guy"

My friends a metal head and has a*s length hair.

rats-are-super-cool Report

Final score:

13points

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Bewitched One 7 months ago (edited)

And? Are they a girl or a boy? This doesn’t answer their question

7points

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#71

Target dressing rooms are often just a section of cubicles between two departments & they're open to the air.

Two teenage girls were sharing a dressing room to try on swimsuits & one blurts out "What if girls had BALLS?"

You know how your voice sounds different if you're pushing your stomach out? You could tell she was pooching out her groin when she said it. It's been over 10 years & it still makes me laugh. It was dead quiet for a beat & then everybody in ear-shot burst out laughing.

ittybittylurker Report

Final score:

13points

POST

Amazonia 7 months ago

TIL that men think women can "pooch out" their groin.

19points

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#72

I'm on a trip with my friends family while we were 16 or so. We all went out to lunch, and the waitress was totally flirting with my friend. NOT even trying to hide it.

So she comes over to refill our drinks. She smiles, looks at my friend, and asks if he wants more. My friends mom, straight faced puts her hand over his glass and says, "No, he better not. He'll wet the bed tonight".

She starts laughing, his face turns bright red and he storms out of there.

A few mins later, my friends mom found out the waitress had the next night off, so she told her she needed to bring a friend tomorrow night and go on a double date with her son & me.

And we had a wonderful double date thr next night.

Living-Rip-4333 Report

Final score:

11points

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Penguin Panda Pop 7 months ago

This one has a 'and then everybody clapped' vibe.

21points

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#73

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public When I went to watch the first Paranomal Activity in theaters it was a lot of ours “The Blair Witch Project” type experience and when the credits were rolling you can hear a dude that got up and clearly say “I ain’t never bringing no b***h to my house.”.

AlanM6 , Tima Miroshnichenko/pexels Report

Final score:

10points

POST

Violet Radar 7 months ago

Heh?

5points

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#74

While at Disney World chilling on the big white Tom Sawyer boat we heard a kid say to his mom:

“Hey mom, do you think I know what a cannibal is?”

That phrasing is so funny to me it’s stuck with me ever since.

CosmicOwl47 Report

Final score:

9points

POST

#75

Was at ice cream shop and what I assume was an uncle and a niece about 8ish years old. I’m standing there waiting for my families order, and all I hear is,
“Was it fun in jail?” From the little girl.
Then uncle responds, teeth clenched, “I went to prison.”

I don’t know why I thought this was so funny but man I was trying hard not to crack up. Kids are wild.

pheobethespider Report

Final score:

8points

POST

Sue User 7 months ago

For those who dont know, jail is short term, and you can get out for work sometimes ( you go to work but report back to jail at night) .Prison is long and rough.

19points

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#76

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public My 7 year old niece talking to her 8 year old friend, about the friends 4 year old brother.

(Some part of the conversation I didn't hear at the beginning)

Friend: Wanna buy my brother?

Niece: What?

Friend: He drives me crazy!

Niece: (laughs)

Friend: I'm just kidding, I wouldn't sell him. I totally wouldn't shove a cookie down his throat, so he'll choke.

The_Oceans_Daughter , Ron Lach/pexels Report

Final score:

7points

POST

Kimbowa 7 months ago

Yikes?

7points

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#77

Mother to her 5 year old son in the cereal aisle of a grocery store: "You have now failed me twice today.".

blinduvula Report

Final score:

-4points

POST

Kimbowa 7 months ago

Sad

13points

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#78

“I could literally see his bowl cut rubbing off in my front seat”.

NotReallyInterested4 Report

Final score:

-12points

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Carrie B 7 months ago

11points

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#79

Backstory: One night back in college me and a few friends were on our way to dennys after a night of drinking. During the drive a girl in the backseat had to throw up. The driver pulled over and the girl attempted to open the door but couldn’t bc of child lock. My friend in the passenger seat jumped out to open her door at the same time the driver rolled down her window and…..yeah. My buddy caught projectile vomit all over his shirt. We weren’t about to abandon our trip, so the driver gave my vomit covered friend an old work shirt out of his trunk. As we are walking into Dennys an older boomer couple is walking out and the woman says to my friend “Hey! Your shirt is wrinkled!” Without missing a beat my buddy replied “Yeah, well your face is wrinkled, b***h.” It was a legendary comeback we still talk about to this day. I never laughed so hard in my life.

be-well-and-prosper Report

Final score:

-39points

POST

MP Deco 7 months ago

not funny....grow up.😬😠

20points

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What do you think ?

A James 7 months ago

Walking down the street in Philly. Guy in a blinged out Cadillac Escalade on the phone with the windows down. His side of the conversation... "That has got to be the stupidest f***ing thing I've ever heard you say! You gotta be a f***ing idiot to think that! I can't believe how f***ing stupid you sound." About 10 seconds of silence then "OK, yeah, see you at dinner, love you Ma".

23points

Olli Hawk 7 months ago

I have a few I’m posting separately; once I was in the urinal when I heard this dude let out the most atrocious a**l explosion I’ve ever heard, and without missing a beat he gasps and yells “did you guys HEAR what that a*****e said to me!?

Jay Hall 4 months ago

The proper reply is; "he was talking s**t wasn't he?"

1point

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LillieMean 7 months ago

I have one too. In the swimming pool, I heard how two elderly ladies were discussing their grandchildren's studies and career choices. Lady1: But what are we to criticize other people's choices. Lady2: True. We all poop the same poop. How philosophical.

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public

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