“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public

Most of us, for a variety of good reasons, will spend our time in public, eardrums ensconced in earphones or headphones to drown out the noise. But every now and then, it can be worth it to just listen to the conversations flowing around you because sometimes folks end up saying something truly hilarious without knowing it.

Someone asked “What was the funniest thing that you heard someone say in public?” and netizens shared the best, out of context conversations they have overheard. So get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and be sure to share your own examples in the comments below.

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public "Can't you see I'm blind?" "No because I'm blind too!" Two blind men before laughing their a**es off after bumping into each other.

Accurate_Western_346 , MART PRODUCTION/pexels Report

Final score:

371points

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Aliaksadr Lukauski 7 months ago

Did we just became best friends?

150points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Guy next to me at a urinal farted once and loudly says "sometimes when it rains it thunders". I stole it.

PhysiologyIsPhun , Ketut Subiyanto/pexels Report

Final score:

274points

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PandaJon 7 months ago

Were you standing next to Confucius?

47points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public A middle aged man in a phone call in a hospital cafeteria. “They did an autopsy on me and we’re waiting for results. I mean a BIOPSY! I’m not dead yet.”

Extension-Concept-88 , Ono Kosuki/pexels Report

Final score:

252points

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blobby 7 months ago

Yet?

54points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public I was sitting on the patio at a bar one afternoon just watching birds and enjoying a few beers alone. Next to me was a group of older folks (around retirement age) just hanging out. They were talking about all kinds of things. I’d drift in and out of listening to them when I heard one man talking about his doctor. He said the doctor had passed away two years prior in almost a depressed tone. The other men told him:

“Don’t be so sad man it’s not like he was your wife or anything.”

And without skipping a beat the man replied:

“I know I shouldn’t be so upset but man he just gave really good prostate exams.”

The entire table started cracking up. I nearly spit my beer out from laughing so hard and the man pointed at me and said:

“See he gets it!”

The laughter only got louder. I didn’t talk to them afterwards or butt into their conversation but it’s a fond memory of mine.

ieatpizzadouches , Mido Makasardi ©️/pexels Report

Final score:

240points

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Auntriarch 7 months ago

Butt into their conversation 😂

168points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public During a very quiet moment at church, in a service with both adults and children, a young child loudly asked his dad,”Does Spider-Man have a pen*s?!”😂😂😂😂😂.

Wonderful_Might6693 , cottonbro studio/pexels Report

Final score:

239points

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Penguin Panda Pop 7 months ago

No, but he does have an auxillary web shooter. (downvotes understandable).

205points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public I had put a hamburger on the seat of my son's baby stroller. My son was with my wife. Some guy walked by, looked down and without a beat said "Looks just like the father" and went on before I could call him an a*****e.

horschdhorschd , scott neil/pexels Report

Final score:

218points

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General Anaesthesia 7 months ago

Athlete?

74points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public I was walking along 10th street in Brooklyn when a man walked by on his phone and all I caught of his conversation was "I don't know, I've never owned a f*****g giraffe before."

Wonderful_Whereas402 , Ketut Subiyanto/pexels Report

Final score:

210points

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KinoEel 7 months ago

Well evidently someone needed tips in caring for their giraffe (writing this made me question how to spell evidently so if it’s wrong sue me)

48points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Boy at preschool was introduced to a new girl named Paige. He pulls one of the teachers aside and says “you know that her name is Paige?? Do you think…her parents like books?”.

rdmeroz , Mikhail Nilov /pexels Report

Final score:

207points

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Zoe's Mom 7 months ago

That's actually really cute.

116points

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After watching a Bro-y dude do this huge burnout at a stoplight leaving like a dozen people (including myself) in a cloud of smoke and dust my friend yelled louder than I've ever heard before "I'm sorry about your penis!" We all had a good laugh amidst the coughing.

Feline-Landline0 Report

Final score:

207points

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geezeronthehill 7 months ago

Saw a local cop arresting a guy for doing burnouts in a crowded parking lot. As I walked past he was saying "Look, buddy, I don't care how short your weiner is, you don't drive like that in my town."

159points

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#10

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Dude jazz singing 🎶Better find a bathrooooom, before I s**t my paaaaants🎶 while skipping along at the Botanical Garden in Hawaii. We didn't hear it in person but our dad caught it on our VHS-C camcorder and we wore out the tape rewinding it and laughing for years.

RealDAFTBONCHKOOPA , August de Richelieu/pexels Report

Final score:

206points

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blobby 7 months ago

🎶I just s**t my pants, it was diarrhea, thought it was a fart, turns out it was diarrhea 🎶

51points

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#11

An older woman standing outside a restaurant… She was waiting for her husband to come pick her up because it was raining. He kept arguing about picking her up. Told her just to suck it up and walk across the parking lot. Finally he left and went to the car. She looks at me and says if I could teach a dildo to bring home a paycheck I wouldn’t have to put up with his s**t.

rgk0925 Report

Final score:

204points

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KinoEel 7 months ago

Well AI is getting better and being implemented in more and more household items

54points

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#12

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Went to see Thor Ragnarok and was seated next to a mother and teenage son. After the Hulk fight when Hemsworth is topless the following exchange happens in hushed tones but sitting next to them I could hear.

Mom: oh yummy
Son: mom shhhhhh
Mom: what
Son: that's embarrassing stop being gross
Mom: why exactly did you think I was watching this?

Threndsa , Pavel Danilyuk/pexels Report

Final score:

201points

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Cee Sparrow 7 months ago

I mean, that would be the ONLY reason I would see a show called Thor Ragnarok.

63points

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#13

At intermission during ‘The Phantom of the Opera’ on Broadway. Scottish teenage boy seated in front of me turns to his mother (in a thickkk Glaswegian accent):

“I always thought that the Phantom was meant to be some kind of tragic, romantic anti-hero. But he’s just a f*****g d**k”.

LongBombsToSnake Report

Final score:

184points

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Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 7 months ago

My mind read that in a Billy Connolly voice

106points

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#14

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public I was waiting in line at the convenience store. The guy in Front of me at the register had to cancel his transaction or something. Young woman working the register called out to her manager " I need your approval '. Guy said " it's ok I think you're doing a fine job.".

sublevelstreetpusher Report

Final score:

184points

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7 months ago

yall I love the girl's hairstyle i wear my hair like that everyday :DD i know its off topic but yea

45points

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#15

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public A very pregnant friend of mine and I were at a pharmacy to get, among other things, a toothbrush. While she was looking, a visibly nervous teen boy slinks past us and stops in front of the condoms etc, about six feet away from us in the same aisle. My friend, tracking the embarrassment that only teens can get, held her belly and shouted to the kid “Hey kid! You want me to tell you which ones DON’T work?”

I’ve never seen anyone turn so red, or run so fast.

canadianpaleale , Maria Pashkova/pexels Report

Final score:

165points

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cerinamroth 7 months ago

Could have ended up getting someone else pregnant or giving them an STD! People should never be shamed for wanting to use contraception.

144points

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#16

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public When I worked in a library. Overheard two kids in the children's area. Brendan 1: "Your name's Brendan? My name's Brendan too. Are we.......brothers?" Brendan 2: "No. I'm in the first grade."

EerieArizona , Mikhail Nilov/pexels Report

Final score:

159points

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Mark 7 months ago

The Brendans are too powerful. They've met. We must evacuate now.

81points

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#17

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Was outside doing some yard work when a neighborhood kid was riding his bike past my house. He ends up falling down at the end of my driveway and I go “hey are you alright?”

He gets back up on his bike and yells “no thanks, I already have a family!” Then rides away. I chuckle every time I remember it.

daewood69 , Tarikul Raana/pexels Report

Final score:

156points

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Kimbowa 7 months ago

Made me laugh out loud. “Hey you wanna be my son?” No thanks…

45points

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#18

Was in a restroom once at Caesar’s Palace in Vegas. Some guy in the bathroom stall ripped this huge fart and a random guy washing his hands shouted, “Hail Caesar!”.

Rallye_Man340 Report

Final score:

154points

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Dick Fint 7 months ago

Veni, vedi, flatus!

28points

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#19

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Overheard a conversation about people talking about rich people and weird foods, and eventually they started talking about oysters. One of them remarked, “well if you wanna eat boogers outta rocks, you gotta be rich”.

stinkyboiiii , Dominika Poláková/pexels Report

Final score:

151points

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Ace 7 months ago

Not wrong though.

103points

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#20

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public I lived in Amsterdam at the time, a city widely known for all adults and most children having a fluent command of English Was walking behind a group of American tourists speaking English saying “you know what the coolest thing about being in Europe is? You can speak to each other and no one understands a word we’re saying, we can say anything we want” Was amazingly dense and pretty funny.

smartshoe , Matheus Bertelli/pexels Report

Final score:

143points

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Stannous Flouride 7 months ago

When I took Tagalog back in the 1990s I had a streak of blue hair and often rode the bus with older Filipinos who usually had something to say about it. I loved saying "Ayaw mo ba ng kulay asul?" (Don't you like the color blue?) but always did so with a smile and a wink that made them laugh.

84points

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#21

An elderly couple in the supermarket. He's walking funny and she turns to him and says “You've still got a hard-on! I told you it wouldn't wear off by now”.

HarrargnNarg Report

Final score:

142points

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Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 7 months ago

I guess he took the blue pill ...

75points

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#22

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public I was riding my bike and passed by a guy going the opposite way on a unicycle. As we pass he said, “F****n’ two wheeler!”.

rockerroller , Robert Miller/flickr Report

Final score:

133points

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Mark 7 months ago

Peasant, I laugh from my zero-wheeled sailboat. I can't do anything else, because I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean

79points

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#23

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Grocery store:
“I know how to buy eggs Diane, I’ve done it before…”

I could not stop saying this for the rest of the day. I was a real joy to be around.

crommulence_now , Jack Sparrow/pexels Report

Final score:

133points

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Lotekguy 7 months ago

I've never seen Eggs Diane in a store or on a menu. How much of a treat am I missing?

45points

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#24

My sister went to see Titanic. After the credits rolled someone behind her stretched then said:

> I told you it sank .

Glad_Possibility7937 Report

Final score:

132points

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Lee Banks 7 months ago

Very first boyfriend took me to see this in the theater. During one scene, he told me he loved me. I awkwardly replied with "I love her dress." The non thirteen year old couple behind us nearly died trying to contain their laughter.

16points

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#25

I know this won’t reach many but I was at a pizza place and there was this family of four (mom, dad, grandpa, kid that’s maybe 5-6 years old) and all I hear from the kid is, “YOU’RE ALMOST 50?! THAT’S HALFWAY TO BEING DEAD!!”.

Chillificate Report

Final score:

132points

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Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 7 months ago

I'm 67... I'm more than halfway... lol

61points

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#26

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Wife and I are grocery shopping and in the row next to us we hear a child getting agitated and having words with his brother. Out of the blue we hear him say to his mother “Mom! Jake is breathing my air”. Wife and I look at each other and giggle. We rush to their row and we find Jake is a small 2 month old in a carrier.

MakeMeASandwichGirl , Timur Weber/pexels Report

Final score:

131points

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Kimbowa 7 months ago

I know. I hate sharing my air with people sometimes. Isn’t there enough to go around?

42points

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#27

A mom and her son were checking out at a Home Depot. The cashier was scanning the ladies purchases then scanned the kids hand, looked at her scanner and said to the boy, you are free! The kid looked at her and said, no I'm not I am 5.

whatnow4239 Report

Final score:

126points

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Kimbowa 7 months ago

3 free!

31points

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#28

A friend of a friend was shopping and had her kid with her. As they walked by the feminine products aisle her 6 yr old son asked her very loudly if she needed to get another big box of v*gina diapers because Dad says you bleed like a stuck pig. I was crying I was laughing so hard. When she seen me and my friend standing there she went ten shades of red.

Northmech Report

Final score:

120points

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PattyK 7 months ago

… she saw me …

68points

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#29

I was in church and somehow the subject of sex was brought up by the pastor. Some lady in front of me said "I pray before, during and after" followed by a hallelujah.

theprodigy93 Report

Final score:

118points

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Auntriarch 7 months ago

If you count yelling "oh god yes" as a prayer

115points

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#30

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public My dad adopted a dog that has a poop-eating habit, eats every other dog’s droppings. My sister came over with some breath spray for dogs. Dad’s response: “she eats poop. You can’t just throw a tic-tac on a pile of manure.”

defnotapirate , Mithul Varshan/pexels Report

Final score:

112points

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Myrtille rat 7 months ago

when doggos eat poop that's often caused by a lack of vitamin B because of a malabsortion , can also be a side effect of stress or because they have parasites a quick check to the vet might be needed

92points

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#31

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Not really in public because he was a temporary coworker of mine, but in making small talk he mentioned that his son was looking at colleges to go to. So I asked him if his son was a junior or a senior. And he said “No, I named him after my dad”

That was years ago and I still have no idea how to respond to that.

santaclausonprozac , Canva Studio/pexels Report

Final score:

106points

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Kimbowa 7 months ago

Lol

21points

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#32

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public A pregnant woman at Walmart talking to a cashier said “yeah I’m gettin a DUI after this one, no more kids.” Of course she meant IUD but the lady didn’t correct her and I died laughing. Maybe it was pregnancy brain.

corpimposter , Ketut Subiyanto/pexels Report

Final score:

101points

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LillieMean 7 months ago (edited)

Reminds me of when my husband's brother said he bought a new LSD monitor even though he meant an LCD monitor. We managed to joke around with lots of, hear the colors brighter jokes. Edit: typo

46points

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#33

An instructor for a school club turned to another instructor:

“Have you signed that thing that says, ‘I don’t diddle kids’ yet?”

I died.

WeinerB23 Report

Final score:

100points

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Lotekguy 7 months ago

Big difference in meaning whether the end quote mark is before or after the "yet".

74points

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#34

Friend of mine in high school went to pick up her little brother from some sort of after school activity. There was a lady sucking on a cigarette standing near the school doors talking on her cell phone loudly. In the most grizzled smoker voice she said "Hot dogs will give you cancer." *Takes a draw from the cigarette* "One bite and you're a goner."

acheron53 Report

Final score:

100points

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Stannous Flouride 7 months ago

In 2020 a neighbor said he'd never get vaxxed because "you don't know what's in it" _as_ he was smoking a cigarette.

80points

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#35

I was at a Rubio’s many years ago and the woman in front me had brought her food up to the counter to tell them she had ordered chicken tacos but had gotten fish tacos. She and the employee are going back and forth on what’s in the tacos, the employee was adamant it was chicken. The woman is really pissed at this point and goes “It’s fish. If you don’t believe me, smell my fingers”. My friend and I ended up going outside because we were laughing so hard.

emi2018 Report

Final score:

98points

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Lester the Space Duck 7 months ago

Smells like fish, tastes like chicken.

31points

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#36

Two of my friends joking around til one of them says "you know, if the Catholic Church knew of your existence they'd immediately endorse abortions" 💀.

espectro11 Report

Final score:

97points

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Greg Baughman 7 months ago

One of my favorite insults is "You're just mad because you were the pro-choice poster child"

42points

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#37

“Well ever since she got the dog, she only buys organic eggs.” “Oh does she feed the dog eggs?” “No, but you know, being a pet owner is a big responsibility so she’s trying to watch her health.”

gaqua Report

Final score:

88points

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Krd 7 months ago

In their defense if I was to die right now, I would be more concerned with what happens to my cat more than anything else.

72points

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#38

We stopped at a yard sale one weekend. We had a really small bulldog with us, super friendly and they were ok with her being there while we browsed. Their little girl, maybe four years old, asked to pet the bulldog and we said she’d love that. So the little girl leans over to pet the pup… and that causes her to do the plumber’s butt crack thing. Mom runs over and pulls the pants and pull up diaper back up. The little girl turns to mom and says “I’m not done pooping yet.”

Mom’s face… it was like the visual version of one of those abrupt record scratches. We played it cool with a little chuckle and said “kids, gotta love em.” We got back to the car and just lost it, just crying laughing.

sunburn_on_the_brain Report

Final score:

87points

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Out of chocolate 7 months ago

This person estimated that the kid was “about 4” This kid could have been three, which is generally when most kids are fully trained but not all. Second, as a special education teacher, I have six year olds in diapers with expressive language but unable to control their bodily functions. What I am saying is this: we don’t know the situation.

40points

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#39

“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public Someone brought an infant to a formal/dress wear restaurant at 9 at night that was constantly crying, heard someone say "that's a kid I'd leave at the airport".

RoseWould , cottonbro studio/pexels Report

Final score:

84points

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Kimbowa 7 months ago

But then it would just become a crying baby on the airplane.

16points

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#40

Was at a bar once, and there was a drunk girl trying to put on her heels for a few minutes. She was clearly *gone* gone, and couldn't manage. A man that was there with her said "It's like watching a monkey try to f**k a football." and I couldn't help but catch a case of the giggles.

The words themselves didn't do it, but the mental image wrecked me.

Tylensus Report

Final score:

83points

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Peter Trudell Jr 7 months ago

Once had a comedy bit about drunk people. You can tell a person is too drunk when they can't put on their shoes. First they'll find their foot but not their shoe... then they'll drop their foot and find the shoe, but now can't find their foot again... it continues until they pass out.

39points

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Note: this post originally had 79 images. It’s been shortened to the top 40 images based on user votes.

What do you think ?

A James 7 months ago

Walking down the street in Philly. Guy in a blinged out Cadillac Escalade on the phone with the windows down. His side of the conversation... "That has got to be the stupidest f***ing thing I've ever heard you say! You gotta be a f***ing idiot to think that! I can't believe how f***ing stupid you sound." About 10 seconds of silence then "OK, yeah, see you at dinner, love you Ma".

23points

Olli Hawk 7 months ago

I have a few I’m posting separately; once I was in the urinal when I heard this dude let out the most atrocious a**l explosion I’ve ever heard, and without missing a beat he gasps and yells “did you guys HEAR what that a*****e said to me!?

Jay Hall 4 months ago

The proper reply is; "he was talking s**t wasn't he?"

1point

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LillieMean 7 months ago

I have one too. In the swimming pool, I heard how two elderly ladies were discussing their grandchildren's studies and career choices. Lady1: But what are we to criticize other people's choices. Lady2: True. We all poop the same poop. How philosophical.

14points

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“I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe”: The 40 Funniest Things Folks Have Heard In Public

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