Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
then open in external browser
and click "Open in External Browser" 
Most of us, for a variety of good reasons, will spend our time in public, eardrums ensconced in earphones or headphones to drown out the noise. But every now and then, it can be worth it to just listen to the conversations flowing around you because sometimes folks end up saying something truly hilarious without knowing it.
Someone asked “What was the funniest thing that you heard someone say in public?” and netizens shared the best, out of context conversations they have overheard. So get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and be sure to share your own examples in the comments below.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
"Can't you see I'm blind?" "No because I'm blind too!" Two blind men before laughing their a**es off after bumping into each other.
cerinamroth 1 year ago
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzOf0Li2xYg In this great clip of blind comedian Chris McCausland, he explains what happened when he (a blind person) thought his neighbour was being rude and ignoring him when the neighbour was just deaf.
Lotekguy 1 year ago
LOVE that program (the British original. Our recent US attempt was abysmal.) I have enjoyed that clip several times. Also recommend finding the clip of Chris and Lee Mack presenting an award at the BAFTAs.
Load More Replies...
Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My! 1 year ago
There's a Gene Wilder/Richard Pryor movie, See No Evil, Hear No Evil. Wilder's character is deaf, and Pryor's is blind. They witness a murder. It's genuinely one of the funniest movies I've ever seen, and I normally don't like Pryor at all. You'll split your britches!
Terry Tobias 1 year ago
The two of then together is comedy gold! Now I'm gonna to have to look for their movies to stream tonight!
Load More Replies...
RELATED:
#2
Guy next to me at a urinal farted once and loudly says "sometimes when it rains it thunders". I stole it.
Dick Fint 1 year ago
This happened over 30 years ago in a hotel/motel directly across from Sea-Tac airport, when Bill "that's not my stain on that dress" Clinton was in office. Middle of the, day kinda busy, urinals are a bit crowded. Guy cut loose with an absolute canvas ripper. Didn't lose or gain an octave. Just started, went for a bit, cut off like it had a switch. Some small chuckles then some says nice & loud "EXCUSE ME MR. PRESIDENT, I DIDN'T QUITE HEAR THAT." Then the belly laughs started. And the hollering, because some people were losing control of their "streams". To this day still the funniest thing involving a fart I ever heard in a public place.
Dick Fint 1 year ago
I left out a word and I was unable to edit. It's supposed to read "then some *guy says nice & loud.
Load More Replies...
Chelsea McKee 1 year ago
I feel like we could put urinals in a more stall like environment. Why don't men get any privacy?
cerinamroth 1 year ago
Well, that will make the annoying song by the Corrs sound a little different next time I hear it! ("Thunder only happens when it's raining...")
Smalltoid 1 year ago (edited)
Is that not Fleetwood Mac? Edit: Just looked it up. The song "Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac was indeed covered by the Corrs
Load More Replies... 
gilded panda 1 year ago
Yeah back a year ago in high school someone “when it rains it hails”…yeah no one still uses that urinal
#3
A middle aged man in a phone call in a hospital cafeteria. “They did an autopsy on me and we’re waiting for results. I mean a BIOPSY! I’m not dead yet.”
Robert Trebor 1 year ago
I recently consented to have a man slice the side of my head open to help diagnose a condition, and I've been catching myself saying that the autopsy um biopsy confirmed that I have giant cell arteritis. I've said this several times.
Fussy1 1 year ago
Years ago when my then 17 (now 31) year old daughter needed immediate surgery a medical team gathered in the room to explain the procedure and answer any questions we may have. I asked if she would be receiving full 'euthanasia' so she wouldn't be in any discomfort. Dead silence in the room ... until my daughter burst out laughing, followed by some of the medical staff who couldn't control their laughter. The surgeon cleared his throat and assured me this was a routine surgery and didn't think euthanasia would be necessary and they had planned to just go with the anesthesia at this time. Then he turned to my daughter and informed her that it would probably be best not to let me 'order' for her anymore. Which only made everyone laugh harder. All these years later, whenever one of my kids has a medical issue, they remind each other not to let mom talk to the doctor!
Cuppa tea? 1 year ago
Surgeon came home from work and was asked about the day. He said: I'm up my elbows into surgery and before you know it it was an autopsy.
#4
I was sitting on the patio at a bar one afternoon just watching birds and enjoying a few beers alone. Next to me was a group of older folks (around retirement age) just hanging out. They were talking about all kinds of things. I’d drift in and out of listening to them when I heard one man talking about his doctor. He said the doctor had passed away two years prior in almost a depressed tone. The other men told him:
“Don’t be so sad man it’s not like he was your wife or anything.”
And without skipping a beat the man replied:
“I know I shouldn’t be so upset but man he just gave really good prostate exams.”
The entire table started cracking up. I nearly spit my beer out from laughing so hard and the man pointed at me and said:
“See he gets it!”
The laughter only got louder. I didn’t talk to them afterwards or butt into their conversation but it’s a fond memory of mine.
geezeronthehill 1 year ago
Once a guy gets past fifty he should look for doctors with small hands.
#5
During a very quiet moment at church, in a service with both adults and children, a young child loudly asked his dad,”Does Spider-Man have a pen*s?!”😂😂😂😂😂.
Penguin Panda Pop 1 year ago
No, but he does have an auxillary web shooter. (downvotes understandable).
Jane Jayne Jain Jeign Jein 1 year ago
I used to support people with server learning disabilities and there was one woman who had very limited vocabulary, but she would have a favourite 'word of the week'. We were in church one day and the vicar, as part of his sermon, starts asking "Are you ready to confess your sins to Jesus? Are you ready to be absolved? Are you ready to welcome the lord into your life?" and with perfect comic timing she shouted out "No!" to every question. It was a beautiful moment.
Spidercat 1 year ago (edited)
Aaah yes, the moment you ponder on the possibility that Peter Parker possesses a penìs...
#6
I had put a hamburger on the seat of my son's baby stroller. My son was with my wife. Some guy walked by, looked down and without a beat said "Looks just like the father" and went on before I could call him an a*****e.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
Possible retort: "Yes, I'm a whopper....Do I know you from someplace?"
#7
I was walking along 10th street in Brooklyn when a man walked by on his phone and all I caught of his conversation was "I don't know, I've never owned a f*****g giraffe before."
ohjojo (you/your's) 1 year ago
My friend and I will pull this kind of thing in an elevator when the doors open. People walk in on absurd partial conversations. One I remember is " they don't think it's contagious but they didn't think my toe would fall off either."
Cindy Irvin 1 year ago
I walked past a couple of guys going in the opposite direction. All I heard of their conversation was "Did you ever get that grave thing taken care of?"
#8
Boy at preschool was introduced to a new girl named Paige. He pulls one of the teachers aside and says “you know that her name is Paige?? Do you think…her parents like books?”.
Lotekguy 1 year ago (edited)
No. They're descended from a long line that began as medieval court attendants.
#9
After watching a Bro-y dude do this huge burnout at a stoplight leaving like a dozen people (including myself) in a cloud of smoke and dust my friend yelled louder than I've ever heard before "I'm sorry about your penis!" We all had a good laugh amidst the coughing.
geezeronthehill 1 year ago
Saw a local cop arresting a guy for doing burnouts in a crowded parking lot. As I walked past he was saying "Look, buddy, I don't care how short your weiner is, you don't drive like that in my town."
Adam Zad 1 year ago
After a football game in high school, while I was waiting for my ride, I saw a guy in a Mustang in the parking lot, revving the engine and popping the clutch to impress a couple of girls. I heard a pop and a clunk and looked over. His driveshaft was on the ground. Oops.
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 1 year ago
The thinking is the bigger the tires the smaller your weenie. So whenever I'm out on the road and see some jacked up imitation monster truck I say "look at the tiny peeenis!" lol
tee-lena 1 year ago
Made the same comment when I saw my first Tesla tank yesterday. Who needs an effing tank in sunny San Diego?
Load More Replies...
Sky Render 1 year ago
I'll often shout something similar from the safety of my car at drivers behaving badly as well. Though I suspect most of them are actually compensating for other shortcomings when they do stuff like that.
Angela C 1 year ago
I'll usually say "wow your d**k must be huge" in the most sarcastic tone possible
Load More Replies...
Celtic Pirate Queen 1 year ago
OMG - I always yell that to guys in sports cars (really? A Ferrari in Downtown Eugene? We are SOOOOO impressed). So my husband asked what do I yell when I see a woman behind the wheel? "Congratulations on your divorce!"
FriendlyGhost 1 year ago
When I was maybe seven I was in the American Girl store with my mother and at the time five-year-old sister and there was a man there on the phone holding a 3mo and he said, (I am not f*****g kidding) "I don't f*****g care about your penis, mY bAlLs aRe SoRe!" Laughing every time I think about how confused I was. 🤣
Kelly H. Wilder 1 year ago
While I understand the sentiment of overcompensation, I don't like the comparison. Why is it OK to use this as a slam? It's not OK to make negative remarks about traits a person has no control over. Yet we make exceptions for penile size. 🤷♀️
Crystalwitch60 8 months ago
Oh boy do I gotta explain this one to you lmao , you clearly do not get the comparison do you !! When a man is showing off in a car lol it means they are lacking in something in their life other than a sense of decency that is lol n it’s always been a well known fact that they are making up for a lack of manhood fact ! n while p***s size is not funny in the normal context in this kind it’s hilarious get over it
Load More Replies...
Linda Riebel 1 year ago
Can we please stop making fun of men's size? Not fair to men who are small down there. (Before you ask, not anyone I know).
Crystalwitch60 8 months ago
Well they deserve it when they play stupid games like this !
Load More Replies...
#10
Dude jazz singing 🎶Better find a bathrooooom, before I s**t my paaaaants🎶 while skipping along at the Botanical Garden in Hawaii. We didn't hear it in person but our dad caught it on our VHS-C camcorder and we wore out the tape rewinding it and laughing for years.
blobby 1 year ago
🎶I just s**t my pants, it was diarrhea, thought it was a fart, turns out it was diarrhea 🎶
Colin Matthews 1 year ago
Brilliant i often skat sing my internal monologue just because… gets me some weird looks
Rosie! 1 year ago
Imagine being this guy and not knowing this family has this on video? I think that maybe everyone has somthing like that. I might be in the background of some home video doing somthing stupid and I would never know. It's kind of comforting if you really think about it. Someone in the world may be thinking of you right now.
#11
An older woman standing outside a restaurant… She was waiting for her husband to come pick her up because it was raining. He kept arguing about picking her up. Told her just to suck it up and walk across the parking lot. Finally he left and went to the car. She looks at me and says if I could teach a dildo to bring home a paycheck I wouldn’t have to put up with his s**t.
KinoEel 1 year ago
Well AI is getting better and being implemented in more and more household items
Beck 1 year ago (edited)
Teach a dildo to bring home a paycheque AND drive a car :)
Load More Replies...
Crystalwitch60 8 months ago
Don’t be a lazy idiot it’s just rain it’s not gonna k**l you !! n I’m female I’d never ask a man to do this ! why should he get wet n you don’t selfish b***h !
🩶🩷Marvin HoG🩷🩶 1 year ago
I wear glasses, getting them rained on sucks. My husband would never tell me to suck it up, he gladly gets the car for me if I don't have my cloth on me.
Ken Beattie 1 year ago
Funny comment, but yeah... she made him walk through the rain for her own comfort then gives him s**t about it.
#12
Went to see Thor Ragnarok and was seated next to a mother and teenage son. After the Hulk fight when Hemsworth is topless the following exchange happens in hushed tones but sitting next to them I could hear.
Mom: oh yummy
Son: mom shhhhhh
Mom: what
Son: that's embarrassing stop being gross
Mom: why exactly did you think I was watching this?
Cee Sparrow 1 year ago
I mean, that would be the ONLY reason I would see a show called Thor Ragnarok.
CaptainSlapNTickle 1 year ago (edited)
But, if it was a dad and that was directed audibly at an actress onscreen... Misogynist, objectifying women.
Kate C 1 year ago
While I agree this was a mild comment by the mother, to be fair, if it was a father sitting with his young daughter and he made a "oh yummy" comment about an actress on the screen removing clothing people would be commenting "ick".
Susan Teter 1 year ago
What...y'all think men don't say these things??? YES THEY DO!
Load More Replies...
#13
At intermission during ‘The Phantom of the Opera’ on Broadway. Scottish teenage boy seated in front of me turns to his mother (in a thickkk Glaswegian accent): “I always thought that the Phantom was meant to be some kind of tragic, romantic anti-hero. But he’s just a f*****g d**k”.
Spooky Demon Bat (she/they) 1 year ago
I heard it in a David Tennant voice
Load More Replies...
Wish I was napping 1 year ago
Why not? It's good that parents expose kids to all the arts. My grandma started taking me to plays when I was seven. I have great memories and love them to this day.
Load More Replies... #14
I was waiting in line at the convenience store. The guy in Front of me at the register had to cancel his transaction or something. Young woman working the register called out to her manager " I need your approval '. Guy said " it's ok I think you're doing a fine job.".
#15
A very pregnant friend of mine and I were at a pharmacy to get, among other things, a toothbrush. While she was looking, a visibly nervous teen boy slinks past us and stops in front of the condoms etc, about six feet away from us in the same aisle. My friend, tracking the embarrassment that only teens can get, held her belly and shouted to the kid “Hey kid! You want me to tell you which ones DON’T work?”
I’ve never seen anyone turn so red, or run so fast.
cerinamroth 1 year ago
Could have ended up getting someone else pregnant or giving them an STD! People should never be shamed for wanting to use contraception.
Kirsty 1 year ago
He wasn't shamed, a joke was made. I'd argue if you're so ashamed and embarrassed by contraceptives then you aren't mature enough to be having sex in the first place 🤷
Load More Replies...
Simon Chen 1 year ago
Aw, man, thats not funny. Poor boy was doing the resposible thing and was shamed for it. Not nice, just ignore him.
Szzone 1 year ago (edited)
So a shy teenager was doing something that's wise, albeit for them nerve-wrecking and embarassing and your friend scared him away from the condom aisle. And it's funny for some reason. Imagine if the story was about adult men scaring a teenage girl away from the contraceptive aisle with a joke. Bored Panda readers would be bringing the torches and pitchforks.
THE COOL ZACH 1 year ago
I love jokes but I'm not really a fan of this one,it was unneeded and a bit cruel
Szzone 1 year ago
Agreed. Don't make a joke at a person's expense who is already nervous, anxious and possibly ashamed.
Load More Replies...
weatherwitch 1 year ago
It's incredibly difficult to get guys to wear condoms so shaming a young man like this who's already nervous just isn't nice.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
Don't shame anyone for sourcing protection. You have no idea what their story is.
Nikki Gross 1 year ago (edited)
If you grow up in a religious environment, talking about sex is taboo, or not mentioned at all, it can be embarrassing when you first start buying condoms. Sex was something that was not talked about at home unless it was as a joke. When I was growing up it was pre internet, talking about sex with our friends or reading a magazine was how we learned. When I was older, one of my best friends Mom was open to talk, when she figured out we were scared to ask about sex. I was in my late 20's when I stopped feeling embarrassed buying condoms. My friends would talk, because of how I was raised, we did NOT talk about sex in my family. NEVER make someone, especially a kid, feel embarrassed for making the right choice. It may be funny to you, but from personal experience just how scary it feels when your looking at a dozen different condoms and don't know what to buy. Just please be kind or help before you make fun or joke, especially when you know that kid is already scared.
#16
When I worked in a library. Overheard two kids in the children's area. Brendan 1: "Your name's Brendan? My name's Brendan too. Are we.......brothers?" Brendan 2: "No. I'm in the first grade."
Arnold Larkins 1 year ago
QUICK! EVACUATE EVERYONE IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE!
Load More Replies...
ROSESARERED 1 year ago
Reading this while watching the mummy, the most powerful Brendan of all
#17
Was outside doing some yard work when a neighborhood kid was riding his bike past my house. He ends up falling down at the end of my driveway and I go “hey are you alright?”
He gets back up on his bike and yells “no thanks, I already have a family!” Then rides away. I chuckle every time I remember it.
funkybluegirl (she/her) 1 year ago
I laughed out loud, too. I was starting to get sleepy, but that woke me right up.
Load More Replies...
Anonymous 1 year ago
I experienced a nearly opposite version of this. Boy on the first day of kindergarten: * sobbing * "Are you my mom now?" Me: * hugs * "Your mom is still your mom. She loves you. Don't worry. You're going home in a few hours. I'll take care of you until then, but you're going home." (Parents, please, explain school to your children, so they know it's not an orphanage).
Kat 1 year ago
Kid thought the man might attempt to abducted him. So he politely, declined.
Load More Replies... #18
Was in a restroom once at Caesar’s Palace in Vegas. Some guy in the bathroom stall ripped this huge fart and a random guy washing his hands shouted, “Hail Caesar!”.
The Redhead 1 year ago
At work on lunch break sitting in my car; this made me laugh so hard just now that I had to get out of my car, run through the rain and use the restroom so I didn't wet myself.
Dread Pirate Roberts 1 year ago
LMAO that's even better than that time during my college years where I walked into the bathroom while the high schools were touring the campus, and I just hear, "YOUR BROTHER SHOT MY BOYFRIEND IN THE A*S!"
Just-4-2day 1 year ago
History of the World - Part One. https://youtu.be/Wtr-tbnOZUg?feature=shared
#19
Overheard a conversation about people talking about rich people and weird foods, and eventually they started talking about oysters. One of them remarked, “well if you wanna eat boogers outta rocks, you gotta be rich”.
Sunny Day 1 year ago
Can you imagine how hungry the first human to eat oysters had to be? Ooh, rock guts! I think I'll eat them.
Ace 1 year ago
Yeah, they used to be a cheap food for poor people well into the 20th century. What I can't get over is why anyone would have decided that they're better raw? Cooked, for example in a steak and oyster pie, they're actually not bad. Or smoked.
Load More Replies...
Oskar vanZandt 1 year ago (edited)
They're welcome to them, slimy little shite globules... and don't get me started on the oysters.
Shannimal 1 year ago
I looove oysters. Some horseradish, lemon and little bit of Tobasco sauce.
Krd 1 year ago
Sounds like you don't love the taste of oysters, they are basically a vehicle for the horseradish/lemon/Tabasco.
Load More Replies...
Mark Boelte 1 year ago
Wow, used to eat tons of oysters. Was a very cheap food, bought by the bushel right off the boats. Can't believe people see that as 'rich peoples food' now.
PrettyJoyBird 1 year ago
Lobster too used to be "poor"people food. Now its $5 minimum a claw.
Load More Replies...
RageOfAquarius 1 year ago
Where I live it's cheaper to just buy an oyster license and harvest your own
Crystalwitch60 8 months ago
Erm excuse you lol oysters are lush I’m far from rich quite the opposite but I eat em when I can get them lol they actually ain’t that expensive either the upside of living in the uk
#20
I lived in Amsterdam at the time, a city widely known for all adults and most children having a fluent command of English Was walking behind a group of American tourists speaking English saying “you know what the coolest thing about being in Europe is? You can speak to each other and no one understands a word we’re saying, we can say anything we want” Was amazingly dense and pretty funny.
Stannous Flouride 1 year ago
When I took Tagalog back in the 1990s I had a streak of blue hair and often rode the bus with older Filipinos who usually had something to say about it. I loved saying "Ayaw mo ba ng kulay asul?" (Don't you like the color blue?) but always did so with a smile and a wink that made them laugh.
cerinamroth 1 year ago
Hehe, I am British but am a German speaker (and translator). My sister and I went to Berlin for the weekend and because we were speaking English to each other when we walked up to reception, the woman behind the desk spoke to us in English as well, which was fine. I admitted we were a little early for check in but asked if there was a way we could check in early, or leave our luggage and she said she'd have to ask someone. So she called the person and proceeded to b***h about us in no uncertain terms in German. When she hung up, I said sweetly (in German), well, if it's such a big problem, you could have just said so! Her face dropped and she looked horrified. Heh!
ChickyChicky 1 year ago
Oh my gosh. Me and my friend were in the Netherlands, we'd lived there for a while. We were in the store buying groceries. We were in line when we realized we forgot something. My friend ran back to get it and I yelled "and don't forget the pickles!" Some teenagers and their parent were in front of us. The teenagers started making fun of us to each other, in Dutch. I looked straight at them and said "Ik spreek ook nederlands, hoor." (I also speak Dutch) Their parent cracked up and the girls got real quiet. :D
Load More Replies...
Robert Trebor 1 year ago
My brother and I went to Sweden in 1994, and later he studied Swedish, and went back in 2000, and was frustrated that no one would speak Swedish with him, because they wanted to improve their English.
Petra Schaap 1 year ago
and if you DO speak Swedish to them, they get annoyed because you're not fast enough :-D Swedish student here!
Load More Replies...
Henry K 1 year ago
I was with my family in Yellowstone Park and we were walking behind a family in one of the thermal features. They were looking at a map of the USA, and talking in German about taking a drive to San Francisco the next day. I am fluent in German because I spent 6 months at the Stanford University overseas German campus. They had no idea how far SF was from Montana. They assumed that the map scale was the same as the scale of a map of Europe where you and drive to Paris, France or to Italy from the same location in Germany.
Upstaged75 1 year ago
So you're saying I don't need to start learning Dutch for my trip there this summer? I thought it would be helpful to know some, but maybe not?
Load More Replies...
Becca not Becky 1 year ago
I was in my University library when a fellow sophomore sat across from me and started speaking very loudly on her phone in Spanish. She said some pretty rude things about people in the area, but I kept trying to study. When she hung up and started talking to me, I casually let it drop that I speak Spanish. Her face was priceless
#21
An elderly couple in the supermarket. He's walking funny and she turns to him and says “You've still got a hard-on! I told you it wouldn't wear off by now”.
MushroomHead22 1 year ago
just to clarify, the blue pill isn't some magic pill that suddenly gets you erect. it assists in moving the blood to the penis when required. after the excitement is done it is supposed to go back to normal, if it doesn't that's where the problem comes in.
Load More Replies...
ElfVibratorGlitter 1 year ago (edited)
Uh oh. Time to head to the hospital if it's been more than 4 hours.
Ray LeBlanc 1 year ago
The little soldier won't stay standing at attention without constant supervision. Longer than that means he has a medical problem .
#22
I was riding my bike and passed by a guy going the opposite way on a unicycle. As we pass he said, “F****n’ two wheeler!”.
Mark 1 year ago
Peasant, I laugh from my zero-wheeled sailboat. I can't do anything else, because I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean
KinoEel 1 year ago
Hey, I sail in a lake, so can swim to shore in any direction
Load More Replies... #23
Grocery store:
“I know how to buy eggs Diane, I’ve done it before…”
I could not stop saying this for the rest of the day. I was a real joy to be around.
Lotekguy 1 year ago
I've never seen Eggs Diane in a store or on a menu. How much of a treat am I missing?
Nitka Tsar 1 year ago
You CAN buy eggs the wrong way! My husband is a pro at it. He NEVER checks if any are broken!
Vera Diblikova 1 year ago
In our Kaufland are always looking in the carton, but it is not for check the brokoen, but if it isn¨t st waluable in.
Load More Replies...
Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey 1 year ago
statement needs just one more comma..... are we buying eggs, Diane? or buying Eggs Diane?
Jane Hower 1 year ago
She probably wanted to roll each one in the carton to be sure they hadn't broken.
GPawesomeness 1 year ago
Probably telling him/her to open the carton and check for broken ones, I'm guessing......
Janet Graham 1 year ago
I usually get a chuckle hearing the bossy woman and her husband. I particularly enjoy the passive aggression that so many exhibit.
#24
My sister went to see Titanic. After the credits rolled someone behind her stretched then said: > I told you it sank .
Lee Banks 1 year ago
Very first boyfriend took me to see this in the theater. During one scene, he told me he loved me. I awkwardly replied with "I love her dress." The non thirteen year old couple behind us nearly died trying to contain their laughter.
Comfortably Numb 1 year ago
You may be amazed, some people don't know it happened at all. They apparently think it was just a great fictional movie😬
Load More Replies...
Tropical Tarot 1 year ago
I went to sit in the theater twice and both times somebody yelled "The boat sinks!"
Isabel Galvez 1 year ago
When I went to see it, there was a girl outside yelling:"Leonardo DiCaprio dies!". Luckily, I had seen it twice already.
Dread Pirate Roberts 1 year ago
Lol reminds me of that time I went to see Glass, and one of the personalities of a dude with D.I.D. in it was a seductive woman. And I suddenly hear a guy behind me go, "No homo."
#25
I know this won’t reach many but I was at a pizza place and there was this family of four (mom, dad, grandpa, kid that’s maybe 5-6 years old) and all I hear from the kid is, “YOU’RE ALMOST 50?! THAT’S HALFWAY TO BEING DEAD!!”.
Professor Fate. 1 year ago
Im 77 and it's time to be realistic. I'm almost a third of the way there.
StretcherBearer 1 year ago
Coming up on 50 in a few months.🤣 sounds like something my hilariously snarky 15yo daughter would say.
Blue Bunny of Happiness 1 year ago
I cracked up when a patient (in his 60s) referred to his age as being “closer to the exit than the entrance”.
Marina M. 1 year ago
When my kids were young, my parents took them to the zoo. They stopped in front of the elephant enclosure and my son, who was practicing his reading, took a few moments to read the information plaque. He then turned to his grandmother, his eyes big with wonder, and yelled, "Grandma, you're older than the elephant!!"
#26
Wife and I are grocery shopping and in the row next to us we hear a child getting agitated and having words with his brother. Out of the blue we hear him say to his mother “Mom! Jake is breathing my air”. Wife and I look at each other and giggle. We rush to their row and we find Jake is a small 2 month old in a carrier.
Kimbowa 1 year ago
I know. I hate sharing my air with people sometimes. Isn’t there enough to go around?
Nikkie Nothing 1 year ago
When my 2 cousins were little and fighting in the back seat about who was on who's side and who was touching who one of them busted out the he's breathing my air line. My aunt had to get out of the car because she was laughing so hard, they were still in the driveway, hadn't even left the house yet 😂.
#27
A mom and her son were checking out at a Home Depot. The cashier was scanning the ladies purchases then scanned the kids hand, looked at her scanner and said to the boy, you are free! The kid looked at her and said, no I'm not I am 5.
#28
A friend of a friend was shopping and had her kid with her. As they walked by the feminine products aisle her 6 yr old son asked her very loudly if she needed to get another big box of v*gina diapers because Dad says you bleed like a stuck pig. I was crying I was laughing so hard. When she seen me and my friend standing there she went ten shades of red.
Elladine DesIsles 1 year ago
My daughter uses "seen" this way. It drives me to distraction, but I've given up trying to correct her. Lately, I've been noticing more and more examples of this usage, however, and I fear it may be a linguistic evolution I am too old to accept.
Load More Replies...
Rachel Pelz 1 year ago
Would have been nice to say something to the kid like, "well we all sometimes do", or "that's just natural". I feel sorry for that mother.
DuckDuckGooseberry 1 year ago
BP, the word is VAGINA. 51% of the world’s population have them, it’s a clinical term
Rocky Horror Panda 1 year ago
BP acts like we the subscribers are all 6 years old. It's getting REALLY ANNOYING.
Load More Replies...
Jayeff Vee 1 year ago
When you say, "I seen," I assume the sentence will not end with, "the inside of a book."
Danish Susanne 1 year ago
I find it a bit sad, that she would feel embarrassed by something so natural.
Janet Graham 1 year ago
Very funny! I'm glad they are that open about it. My starter husband didn't have any sisters and got embarrassed about anything remotely related to periods, fertility, sex, etc.
#29
I was in church and somehow the subject of sex was brought up by the pastor. Some lady in front of me said "I pray before, during and after" followed by a hallelujah.
Northlander72 1 year ago (edited)
A school teacher from a Christian school had asked her elementary school students the question "Which body part is the first to actually reach Heaven?" Among the raised hands, she first asked one of the boys. "Well... I think it's the head, because that is what we use to think about God." Nodding her head, the teacher said "That is a good answer." Then she asked one of the girls. "I think it's our heart, because that's how we love God." Again, she nodded and praised her for the answer. Then she asked little Timmy. "The feet." Timmy stated, very matter-of-factly. Puzzled by the somewhat unexpected answer, the teacher asked Timmy why he thought the feet would be the first body part to enter Heaven, and Timmy was more than happy to explain. "See, I was going to my room to go to bed when I heard my mom saying 'Oh God, I'm coming. Oh Gooood', and when I looked into her room, I could see her lying on her back with her feet in the air, with my dad between them, trying to hold her back."
Load More Replies...
Jerome Lenovo 1 year ago
" and somehow the subject of sex was brought up by the pastor " there was kids in the assembly I guess
#30
My dad adopted a dog that has a poop-eating habit, eats every other dog’s droppings. My sister came over with some breath spray for dogs. Dad’s response: “she eats poop. You can’t just throw a tic-tac on a pile of manure.”
Myrtille rat 1 year ago
when doggos eat poop that's often caused by a lack of vitamin B because of a malabsortion , can also be a side effect of stress or because they have parasites a quick check to the vet might be needed
CF 1 year ago
It is very important to start with a trip to the vet, for those uncommon cases that are due to medical or dietary problems. Unfortunately the vast majority of (owned and well-fed) poop eaters do it because they seem to like the taste and developed the habit as a pup. As a veterinarian, this is one of my most hated problems to try and deal with since there is rarely a quick fix. I can count the number of tines that meat tenderizer or other store bought "solutions" have worked on one fingerless hand. This comment comes from a vet who adopted a middle aged poop-eater (dog) and never found a solution other than scooping poop ASAP. 😄
Load More Replies...
Dread Pirate Roberts 1 year ago
Really glad none of my dogs have never had that problem...though my golden retriever has an obsession with licking his Irish setter brother's wiener....I've had to Google so many things since getting 2 dogs at once 😳
Vera Diblikova 1 year ago
Wow, tic-tac, what an idea! I must discuss it on our pack morning meeting!
Chelsea McKee 1 year ago
They used to say that eating s**t, especially if it's done regularly, is a sign of a nutritional deficiency in dogs.
#31
Not really in public because he was a temporary coworker of mine, but in making small talk he mentioned that his son was looking at colleges to go to. So I asked him if his son was a junior or a senior. And he said “No, I named him after my dad”
That was years ago and I still have no idea how to respond to that.
Rocky Horror Panda 1 year ago
This is an easy one, and it concerns me that OP couldn't simply say, "Oh, sorry, but I meant his grade in high school." Seems like OP acted stupid for clout/upvotes. 🤦♀️
#32
A pregnant woman at Walmart talking to a cashier said “yeah I’m gettin a DUI after this one, no more kids.” Of course she meant IUD but the lady didn’t correct her and I died laughing. Maybe it was pregnancy brain.
LillieMean 1 year ago (edited)
Reminds me of when my husband's brother said he bought a new LSD monitor even though he meant an LCD monitor. We managed to joke around with lots of, hear the colors brighter jokes. Edit: typo
Greg Baughman 1 year ago
My funniest Walmart story... My wife sent me for... lady supplies... (which is a task on its own... but I digress) As I go to the checkout, I see some tic-tacs. So I grab a package. Because who doesn't like tic-tacs? So, the girl scans both items, and says "Is that all for you?" Without a beat, I said "No, just the tic-tacs are for me..." She stops... looks at what she just bagged.. and busted out laughing. :D
Lester the Space Duck 1 year ago
Depending on how many kids she already has, she just might be getting a DUI after this one....
Kat 1 year ago
I take meclizine daily. I was stayed overnight at the hospital with my toddler.and sence we came by ambulance, I did not have any. The next day. I mentioned to the nurse, that I take mescaline daily.............the look.
Pandamonium 1 year ago
I used to do the same thing except I was confusing it with an IED - even now I always stop and think twice before I say IUD
Anonymous 1 year ago
I once mistakenly recommend an IED to my sister when telling her how great mine was for reducing cramps. She laughed and reminded me I couldn't have picked a worse vowel to mix up.
Diane Aguilar 1 year ago
Can't have any cramps if you don't have the organs to have them with... or the body.
Load More Replies... Bill Swallow 1 year ago
There's got to be a joke somewhere in there about an IUD being the opposite of a DUI, but I can't think of one at the moment. One causes an accident, the other prevents one?
#33
An instructor for a school club turned to another instructor: “Have you signed that thing that says, ‘I don’t diddle kids’ yet?” I died.
Lotekguy 1 year ago
Big difference in meaning whether the end quote mark is before or after the "yet".
Jane Jayne Jain Jeign Jein 1 year ago
This is really funny but there should seriously be a name for this crappy practice of companies to get employees to sign stupid disclaimers, like do they seriously think they're going to catch someone out like this. "Yes I love diddling kids but I'd never lie on a form to my employer because that would just be beyond the pail!"
Jane Jayne Jain Jeign Jein 1 year ago
This joke does not endorse diddling kids. It is funny. And I was diddled as a kid.
Load More Replies... #34
Friend of mine in high school went to pick up her little brother from some sort of after school activity. There was a lady sucking on a cigarette standing near the school doors talking on her cell phone loudly. In the most grizzled smoker voice she said "Hot dogs will give you cancer." *Takes a draw from the cigarette* "One bite and you're a goner."
Stannous Flouride 1 year ago
In 2020 a neighbor said he'd never get vaxxed because "you don't know what's in it" _as_ he was smoking a cigarette.
cerinamroth 1 year ago
You don't want to open a book either because it might fill your head with *something* (gestures vaguely)...
Load More Replies...
Linda van A. 1 year ago
An alcoholic who never takes a painkiller because it is so bad for your liver.
Rocky Horror Panda 1 year ago
Read that in the original Exorcist demon voice, and this becomes a horror trope.
Crystalwitch60 8 months ago
According to Americans lol everything will give you cancer , where as the only thing that actually GIVES you cancer is …. BEING BORN ! the rest just helps it along a bit ! n this lady is one awful hypocrite 😂🤦♀️
#35
I was at a Rubio’s many years ago and the woman in front me had brought her food up to the counter to tell them she had ordered chicken tacos but had gotten fish tacos. She and the employee are going back and forth on what’s in the tacos, the employee was adamant it was chicken. The woman is really pissed at this point and goes “It’s fish. If you don’t believe me, smell my fingers”. My friend and I ended up going outside because we were laughing so hard.
Realistic Optimist 1 year ago (edited)
If the difference between the fish and chicken isn't extremely obvious, something is wrong regardless of which it ends up being.
Aidan Pite 1 year ago
One time me, my dad, and a waitress suffered a significant miscommunication in a restaurant in Mexico (totally our fault for not understanding what we were actually trying to order) and when we got our tacos I kept insisting that we'd been given chicken, not fish. Dad was adamant that it was fish because we'd ordered fish. I was adamant that fish doesn't have this texture of flesh or grease. I was finally vindicated when we went to a place with menus in English and we realized our mistake. The word we had been using has two meanings, and we had been asking for one while expecting the other.
Diane Aguilar 1 year ago
"Pollo" and "pescado" are both completely different words, rhough... ?
Load More Replies...
#36
Two of my friends joking around til one of them says "you know, if the Catholic Church knew of your existence they'd immediately endorse abortions" 💀.
Greg Baughman 1 year ago
One of my favorite insults is "You're just mad because you were the pro-choice poster child"
Bill Swallow 1 year ago
Other good ones: "I'll bet mind readers only charge you half price" or "I bet if you unscrewed his ears, Cabbage would fall out".
Load More Replies... JustAnotherPanda (she/they/he) 1 year ago
Me when I make trump About everything
Load More Replies...
Hoi-Polloi 1 year ago
Way back in the day my friend told me, "Man I wish we were different ethnicities so I could be racist against you." Then we both nearly fell over laughing because it was so ridiculous.
#37
“Well ever since she got the dog, she only buys organic eggs.” “Oh does she feed the dog eggs?” “No, but you know, being a pet owner is a big responsibility so she’s trying to watch her health.”
Krd 1 year ago
In their defense if I was to die right now, I would be more concerned with what happens to my cat more than anything else.
RavenCroft 1 year ago
Statistically, if you were at home it would eat your body
Load More Replies...
#38
We stopped at a yard sale one weekend. We had a really small bulldog with us, super friendly and they were ok with her being there while we browsed. Their little girl, maybe four years old, asked to pet the bulldog and we said she’d love that. So the little girl leans over to pet the pup… and that causes her to do the plumber’s butt crack thing. Mom runs over and pulls the pants and pull up diaper back up. The little girl turns to mom and says “I’m not done pooping yet.” Mom’s face… it was like the visual version of one of those abrupt record scratches. We played it cool with a little chuckle and said “kids, gotta love em.” We got back to the car and just lost it, just crying laughing.
Out of chocolate 1 year ago
This person estimated that the kid was “about 4” This kid could have been three, which is generally when most kids are fully trained but not all. Second, as a special education teacher, I have six year olds in diapers with expressive language but unable to control their bodily functions. What I am saying is this: we don’t know the situation.
Nitka Tsar 1 year ago
It is even really common for 7 year old boys to still need diapers at night! The problem is, that nobody talks about it!
Load More Replies... 
Bored Trash Panda 1 year ago
You don't know the girls situation so you have no right to judge. she could have developmental delays, health issues that she needs to wear them, or many other things. Don't be an a*s.
Load More Replies...
Do-nut touch da donut 1 year ago
I missed the period between "browsed" and "their little girl"... needless to say i was a lil worried for a sec
That tiny x on the pop up add 1 year ago (edited)
Psst. You are being summoned at https://www.boredpanda.com/funny-hilarious-signs-pics/ post number 43
Load More Replies... Janet Graham 1 year ago
No reason for mom to be embarrassed. At least the kid is aware of what she's doing. That is a step closer to being house trained!
joanne kearns 1 year ago
I really hope you lot are kidding with some of these comments what difference does it make how old the child is
Crystalwitch60 8 months ago (edited)
😂but why the hell is a 3-4 yr old wearing a f kin nappy 🤦♀️🤬lazy parenting right there ! And yes I’m a mother ! Two kids now 24-21 n both were outta nappies by two ! n I’m now 60
#39
Someone brought an infant to a formal/dress wear restaurant at 9 at night that was constantly crying, heard someone say "that's a kid I'd leave at the airport".
Robert Beveridge 1 year ago
Unless it turned into Tom Hanks in the airport movie
Load More Replies... Lotekguy 1 year ago
No, but you may be for other reasons, despite having chosen a such a great screen name. How far down the line are you from Inigo's turn at the hel.?
Load More Replies... Janet Graham 1 year ago
Wow! Dumb move on the parent's part. I am surprised the restaurant allowed small children, many don't. Since no one in that group was having a good time, they should have left. Better yet, get a sitter or have a friend spend the night with the baby. Mom could have stayed home!
Danish Susanne 1 year ago
I wouldn't have downvoted you if your last sentence had been. Mom or Dad could have stayed home.
Load More Replies... cerinamroth 1 year ago
How horrible. No, children don't belong in a fancy restaurant at that time in the evening if they are likely to kick off (although it can happen despite best-laid plans, of course), but there's no need to say they deserve to be abandoned. You wouldn't say it about a puppy or kitten so get your s**t together.
John Mosley 1 year ago
joke /jōk/ noun: a thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter. Get your s**t together.
Load More Replies... #40
Was at a bar once, and there was a drunk girl trying to put on her heels for a few minutes. She was clearly *gone* gone, and couldn't manage. A man that was there with her said "It's like watching a monkey try to f**k a football." and I couldn't help but catch a case of the giggles. The words themselves didn't do it, but the mental image wrecked me.
Peter Trudell Jr 1 year ago
Once had a comedy bit about drunk people. You can tell a person is too drunk when they can't put on their shoes. First they'll find their foot but not their shoe... then they'll drop their foot and find the shoe, but now can't find their foot again... it continues until they pass out.
alloutbikes@yahoo.com 1 year ago
I got so drunk once that I couldn't take off my socks.
Load More Replies... Upstaged75 1 year ago
That particular expression is well known in horseback riding circles. It means you're riding badly - usually by pumping too much with your seat.
#41
Overheard two grown men in a grocery story... "mom said you have to buy your OWN ice cream from now on!".
#42
Was walking past a group of teenagers whilst on my way to do some shopping...they were horse playing around and I just heard one girl yell out "Arggghhhh man, Cameron, you just kicked me right in the p**s flaps!!!" So so loudly...I stifled a laugh but saw so many people stop and just look over to her 🤣.
Jay Cee 2 months ago
It was back to boarding school day and I was sitting in the entry of my daughter's house waiting for her and my wife to come in from the car. From around the bend in the corridor I heard some girls chattering and a loud voice that said "I'm sure my breasts have grown over the summer!" I gave a deep and masculine cough as five mid teen girls came around the corner. One of them flushed very red.
#43
I overheard a group of maybe high schoolers arguing who is more country. One just asked “You’re country, huh? How long is your driveway?”
#44
At community college in the Detroit area in U.S. Government class, the prof was lecturing about how the federal government used threats to withdraw funding to coerce the states into making the legal drinking age 21. A girl right behind me said to the girl next to her, "Then why can I go to Canada and drink?" The other girl said, "I think that's, like, another country.".
#45
Couple in a dark theater before the previews: GUY: "I can't see s**t!" GIRL: "...but can you smell it?".
#46
Guy at a pet store feeds a goldfish to a tank full of turtles.
Turtles go NUTS.
Me: WOW, do they always get this excited about food?
Guy: I don't know, I don't work here.
nunya beeswax 1 year ago
To be fair, most fish are extremely malnourished and sickly at pet stores, so the guy probably put the fish out of its misery.
Load More Replies...
John Mosley 1 year ago
Well, those are referred to as "feeders". They are destined to be fed to something, don't know why you guys don't want the turtles to get a treat.
#47
Guy walks by with a bag of food, another guy said HEY! You get me anything? Dude stops, says yeah, I got you a two piece, and raised both fists. They both hyena laughed.
#48
I was coming out of a movie with a couple friends, and we passed two kids on their way into another movie. As we passed them, I heard one kid say to the other, "Yo mama is so poor when she dies she'll drop common loot!" and I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. I don't know if that's a common one for kids now, but I'd never heard it. F*****g slayed me.
Cammy Mack 1 year ago
It's a video game reference. The enemy doesn't carry anything special, they drop things like paper and string, not gold plated pistols.
Load More Replies...
#49
I was in the local Korean supermarket walking out and this little Korean boy is singing, "It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!" And his dad who was pushing him in the shopping cart says, " NO! It's not a peanut butter jelly time!"
Ranger Kanootsen 1 year ago
*Looks into the distance* It's ALWAYS peanut butter jelly time...🫡
TiNaBoNiNa 1 year ago
When I worked in a children's section of a department store, a mother was pushing her daughter in a stroller. The little girl was chanting very loudly, "I'm a horse! I'm a horse!" Except she couldn't pronounce the "s," so, "I'm a whore!" over and over again. The mother and I locked eyes and busted out laughing.
unfilteredCigarette73 1 year ago
Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat..oh God no..its..happening... get g hffszhh
Jesha 1 year ago
Go look up Peanut Butter Jelly Time and you, too, can have it live in your head for 25 years like we have!
Load More Replies...
#50
When a bird gives you a present, *you keep that present* Rebecca!
General Anaesthesia 1 year ago
Birdie birdie in the sky, do not do that in my eye, boy am I glad cows can't fly. That present?
#51
A young woman from my apartment building got into a car accident, while trying to exit and turn left onto the main roadway (4-lanes, 35mph). I was in the lobby when she came back in with her dad after the accident, and she said: "well, what was i supposed to do? just wait there forever!?".
#52
At work today, my coworkers and I were having a very passionate conversation about if ketchup is good or not. One of my coworkers said, “Ketchup is for white people who pretend to like flavor.” I couldn’t stop laughing.
I’ll have a treble thanks. 1 year ago
Upvoted because it was funny, maybe not ´politically ´ correct but funny.
Cammy Mack 1 year ago
"Politically correct" anything should be burned to the ground.
Load More Replies...
#53
In 2021, I was in a COVID testing line behind a mom and son who I overheard were getting tests for international travel purposes. The son said “next trip, I want to go somewhere exotic…like New Jersey” (this was in NYC).
#54
Wandering Walmart late at night. Dude I’m the next aisle over, loudly asking : DO YOU HAVE ANY HATS…? OF THE PARTY VARIETY?! My partner and I now regularly refer to items as being of the “blank” variety as an inside joke.
#55
People constantly tell me how their kid has “done a complete 360” meaning a 180 with improved whatever.
Lotekguy 1 year ago
Or telling about how that SAT score saved him from having to pay college tuition.
Load More Replies...
#56
"He operates like a scavenging street rat.".
#57
I was teaching a 5 year old drum lessons at a studio and I wrote the word “rhythm” on the board. Pointing at it, I asked him if he knew how to say this word.
He stared at it for 5 seconds and said, “I can’t read.”.
#58
On 9/11 in nyc:
"You know it's serious when Starbucks is closed".
Kimbowa 1 year ago
When Covid first started I said you know it’s serious if Disneyworld is closing.
never-wake-up (fae/faer) 1 year ago
to be fair, fastfood places have a way to stay open under all conditions. magic. When there were floods in my semirural area, the local McDonalds was the only place that still had electricity somehow, life saver for finishing essays fr
Sue User 1 year ago
Unofficially, FEMA ( Federal Emergency Management Agency) uses the Waffle House Index. Green means the restaurant is serving a full menu, a signal that damage in an area is limited and the lights are on. Yellow means a limited menu, indicating power from a generator, at best, and low food supplies. Red means the restaurant is closed, a sign of severe damage in the area or unsafe conditions.
Load More Replies... #59
"Hold on, I need to air my pimple..." while holding his bangs up.
#60
Riding Pirates of the Caribbean in Disneyland, a row of 4 obnoxious teenage girls (OTG) sitting behind us talking VERY loudly. After the drops I hear: OTG1: "Oh my God, I'm going to get chlamydia from this ride!" Me (an ER nurse): "you mean giardia, chlamydia is a sexually transmitted disease." Friend sitting next to me (an ER MD): *laughs* OTGs don't talk for the rest of the ride.
Scott Dankel 1 year ago
Right before OTG is used, is the phrase obnoxious teenage girls. I'm old, but even I got that one.
Lotekguy 1 year ago
We should make "obnox" a verb, as in "your behavior really obnoxes me ". I heard a guy using it that way years ago, and always hoped it would catch on.
Load More Replies... 
Michael Largey 1 year ago
Channeling Groucho Marx, "Chlamydia, chlamydia. Oh don't get chlamydia..."
lookinforlists15 1 year ago
Bro was really obnoxious about it though. He could've been a bit nicer about it. Btw, You should all know the only reason the majority of girls ride horses is because they go up and down, and up and down, and up and down.
#61
While taking a train back from a hockey game in Denver, some drunk guys in their early 20s were drunk and being completely obnoxious to everyone around them … Stuff like spitting their tobacco chew under their seats and talking about obscene/ridiculous stuff for a solid 20 min. A guy next to me in an opposing Canucks jersey was chatting with my group under his breath about how offensive their conversations were, and how annoyed he was at these guys… Their topic gets to “woke issues” and one of the a******s goes “I don’t get why Harvey Weinstein gets so much flak…. I love Harvey Weinstein”. … without missing a beat, the Canucks jersey guy matches their frat bro-voice and sarcastically goes: “oh yeah - Weinstein! … I loved that one thing he was in …. What was her name again?!”. … It took us all by surprise as this guy had been pretty quiet before - so to hear him flip the script and match their level of obnoxious sexist frat-bro voice was too f*****g funny. My friends and I started howling laughing… the a******s tried to quip back with nonsense that didn’t land… which made it even funnier. I still laugh when I think about this moment.
#62
In a concert venue restroom, dude loudly asks, "So, p**s here often?!..Sorry, just trying to break the ice...".
Greg Baughman 1 year ago
I call BS on this one. Dudes do NOT have casual conversations while at a urinal.... It's in the unwritten "bro code".
Peter Trudell Jr 1 year ago
depends on how drunk you are... pretty drunk and everyone's your friend and everyone's havin' a happy time at the trough.
Load More Replies...
Eric Williams 1 year ago
There's one exception..."brrr, the water's cold!" answer..."sure is deep too!" (ladies, it's a guy thing)
#63
I was in the theater watching Bohemian Rhapsody, and I forget the scene, but some kid blurted out, "Is everyone in this movie gay?".
athornedrose 1 year ago
there's a line in the movie where someone says something along the lines of "no one is going to crank that [bohemian rhapsody] in their car with their friends by an all male band called queen" and my friend and i laughed so loud. 2 elderly men in front of us turned to stare and we said "sorry. it's just that we actually do that" the held up their clasped hands and said "we know. we did too once upon a time" and smiled at us. it was so friggen cute.
#64
I'm in an hospital elevator I hear this old guy go to a young guy "you're the only one here not in a wheelchair" the young guy goes "yeah I'm jealous" I couldn't stop laughing.
#65
I once heard a man ask someone at the grocery store for “Mexican taco bread”.
Robert Trebor 1 year ago
Like the German asking for food weapons because can't think of untensils.
Load More Replies...
#66
Stoner lady at the pet store: "If I was a cat, I would eat catnip.".
Oskar vanZandt 1 year ago
Who wouldn't?!? I'd also sniff it, lick it, bat it and roll around in it... Like my cats do.
#67
Walking down a sketchy street a guy probably on d***s talking to another guy: did you know the marshmallow man in ghostbusters won an academy award?
SH Holmes 1 year ago
I was so confused at first because I thought he was on d***s instead of d***s.
MaximumKarmaSaint 1 year ago
I was also very confused because I read d***s instead of d***s from your comment.
Load More Replies...
2DB 1 year ago
Well, the Visual Effects team was nominated for an Oscar but lost to *Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom*. Guy must have been on drụgs or something.
Load More Replies... #68
I used to work at a gourmet candy shop. Christmas time, store was PACKED, parents bring their stuff up and have an 8 year old boy. They were buying alcoholic chocolate and the kid just SO LOUD goes "WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR THAT!!! OR PEANUT BUTTER!!!" The mom is mortified, the dad goes "yeah what's your peanutbutter exchange rate?" Mom mortified even more.
#69
Once I was hiking back in the early 2000’s, and I walked past a Dad with his daughter and her friend. The daughter said to the friend “I wish I were at the mall or at home watching MTV right now…” It was hilarious at the time, and now is a perfect microcosm of the era. I often wonder where that woman is today and what she is doing.
#70
"Mommy is she a girl or a guy" My friends a metal head and has a*s length hair.
Bewitched One 1 year ago (edited)
And? Are they a girl or a boy? This doesn’t answer their question
Internet wanderer 1 year ago
Likely a guy, judging by the confusion of long hair usually meaning girl, but the slight chance it's a guy.
Load More Replies... #71
Target dressing rooms are often just a section of cubicles between two departments & they're open to the air. Two teenage girls were sharing a dressing room to try on swimsuits & one blurts out "What if girls had BALLS?" You know how your voice sounds different if you're pushing your stomach out? You could tell she was pooching out her groin when she said it. It's been over 10 years & it still makes me laugh. It was dead quiet for a beat & then everybody in ear-shot burst out laughing.
Jesha 1 year ago
I mean I get what they're trying to say. Like when you clench your core muscles and push your pelvis forward and bow your spine so your groin is kinda forward compared to your gut area.
Load More Replies... Sky Render 1 year ago
With the right intersex condition (or obviously being transgender pre/non op MTF), this can happen!
#72
I'm on a trip with my friends family while we were 16 or so. We all went out to lunch, and the waitress was totally flirting with my friend. NOT even trying to hide it. So she comes over to refill our drinks. She smiles, looks at my friend, and asks if he wants more. My friends mom, straight faced puts her hand over his glass and says, "No, he better not. He'll wet the bed tonight". She starts laughing, his face turns bright red and he storms out of there. A few mins later, my friends mom found out the waitress had the next night off, so she told her she needed to bring a friend tomorrow night and go on a double date with her son & me. And we had a wonderful double date thr next night.
Sue User 1 year ago
Yeah, mom humiliates son in front of woman, then arranges date? Guy is so embarrased of being humiliated in front of woman he storm out, but goes on date with woman next night? Woman demands waitress go on blind date ( and bring a friend) with her son that she just humiliated and waitress agrees? Were they in Waffle House ?
Load More Replies... #73
When I went to watch the first Paranomal Activity in theaters it was a lot of ours “The Blair Witch Project” type experience and when the credits were rolling you can hear a dude that got up and clearly say “I ain’t never bringing no b***h to my house.”.
#74
While at Disney World chilling on the big white Tom Sawyer boat we heard a kid say to his mom: “Hey mom, do you think I know what a cannibal is?” That phrasing is so funny to me it’s stuck with me ever since.
#75
Was at ice cream shop and what I assume was an uncle and a niece about 8ish years old. I’m standing there waiting for my families order, and all I hear is, “Was it fun in jail?” From the little girl. Then uncle responds, teeth clenched, “I went to prison.” I don’t know why I thought this was so funny but man I was trying hard not to crack up. Kids are wild.
Sue User 1 year ago
For those who dont know, jail is short term, and you can get out for work sometimes ( you go to work but report back to jail at night) .Prison is long and rough.
SparkDragon 1 year ago
Thank you for this, I genuinely didn't know the distinction. ☺️
Load More Replies... #76
My 7 year old niece talking to her 8 year old friend, about the friends 4 year old brother.
(Some part of the conversation I didn't hear at the beginning)
Friend: Wanna buy my brother?
Niece: What?
Friend: He drives me crazy!
Niece: (laughs)
Friend: I'm just kidding, I wouldn't sell him. I totally wouldn't shove a cookie down his throat, so he'll choke.
MaximumKarmaSaint 1 year ago
I don't know, this is the way most siblings talk about each other.
Load More Replies... #77
Mother to her 5 year old son in the cereal aisle of a grocery store: "You have now failed me twice today.".
#78
“I could literally see his bowl cut rubbing off in my front seat”.
TheOGpandaHavana 1 year ago
A bowl cut is a haircut style that literally looks like someone put a bowl on their head and then shaved everything below it. I'm guessing that the little hairs that come off when you shave were rubbing off all over their car seat which would be terrible to clean (and itchy af!) Here is an example: https://menshaircuts.com/bowl-cut-men/
#79
Backstory: One night back in college me and a few friends were on our way to dennys after a night of drinking. During the drive a girl in the backseat had to throw up. The driver pulled over and the girl attempted to open the door but couldn’t bc of child lock. My friend in the passenger seat jumped out to open her door at the same time the driver rolled down her window and…..yeah. My buddy caught projectile vomit all over his shirt. We weren’t about to abandon our trip, so the driver gave my vomit covered friend an old work shirt out of his trunk. As we are walking into Dennys an older boomer couple is walking out and the woman says to my friend “Hey! Your shirt is wrinkled!” Without missing a beat my buddy replied “Yeah, well your face is wrinkled, b***h.” It was a legendary comeback we still talk about to this day. I never laughed so hard in my life.
Peter Trudell Jr 1 year ago
dude was drunk and just got vomited on. I doubt he was in a mood pleasant enough to appreciate sartorial critiques.
Load More Replies... 
Justin Smith 1 year ago
They were drunk. Do you expect them to be mature?
Load More Replies...
Rinso The Red 1 year ago
Funny thing in the comments. No one is acknowledging how weird/rude it is to comment on some random strangers shirt?
Mary Guerinot 1 year ago
Vvee Work - Rudeness goes both ways in this case!
Load More Replies... Rae North 1 year ago
Funny to losers maybe. Otherwise, wasn't raised to respect elders or anyone probably.
Mary Guerinot 1 year ago
RaeNorth - And the "elder" was respectful? Respect should go both ways.
Load More Replies... What do you think ?
Olli Hawk 1 year ago
I have a few I’m posting separately; once I was in the urinal when I heard this dude let out the most atrocious a**l explosion I’ve ever heard, and without missing a beat he gasps and yells “did you guys HEAR what that a*****e said to me!?
Jay Hall 1 year ago
The proper reply is; "he was talking s**t wasn't he?"
Load More Replies... LillieMean 1 year ago
I have one too. In the swimming pool, I heard how two elderly ladies were discussing their grandchildren's studies and career choices. Lady1: But what are we to criticize other people's choices. Lady2: True. We all poop the same poop. How philosophical.
Chris Przeklasa 1 year ago (edited)
I was sitting at a bar when two ladies started discussing a mans member..I overheard smiled and said "It's not the size of the boat it's the motion of the ocean" without a blink of an eye she responds " try swimming across the ocean in a canoe" lol yes I bought them their next round
Hooked 1 year ago (edited)
I have one too : I was eating at a restaurant with my husband in a town known for its thermal springs and spa's. A older couple, and what appeared to be her mother, were sitting at a table next to ours. They're discussing what they had been doing that day and the mother (in law) explained that she and her daughter went to the spa and brought back some bottles of "terminal water". I nearly choked on my food when I tried not to laugh. It's been over 20 years, but we still call spring water terminal water. Edit : 2 typos
Little king trash mouth 1 year ago
Me too! I'm on the iOS app and only one line if each post shows up.
Load More Replies...
Papa 1 year ago
It was over 40 years ago, but I will never forget one day when I was high school when the teacher had stepped out of the room and a few of the girls were teasing a guy who was very innocent. One of them asked him if he was a virgin. He thought for a minute, and finally replied "No, I'm a Presbyterian."
Sharkfin6 1 year ago
I was like that in grade school. I had mostly female friends and one of the older guys teased me one time saying: "Hey i heard you're a player!" and I responded "well, yeah I play the trombone". He died laughing but made sure to ruffle my hair afterwards.
Load More Replies... Becca not Becky 1 year ago
Back in 2012, I was in the university dining hall. I heard some dudes talking and one said "Man, imma defriend the sh1t out of you on Facebook, Josh!"
Olli Hawk 1 year ago
Facebook died out but I’m still gonna be stealing that one
Load More Replies... Olli Hawk 1 year ago
I literally heard this less than five minutes ago and came back to this thread to post it, I just walked into a cafe and I heard these two guys talking, I don’t know what the context is but I heard one say to the other “you gotta hold BABIES. Do you even KNOW how many babies you have to hold?? You need to hold SO MANY BABIES. And I mean an absurd amount of babies, you gotta hold like 40 babies a week I’m TELLING YOU” it wasn’t really the conversation itself, but the guy was saying it in the most urgent tone, like holding babies will save his life
Aussiegirl 1 year ago
I was shopping & I heard a lady on the phone say ‘I think you are the scammer, tell your mum to stop f*****g my cattle’ she had an American accent which made it sound even funnier (I’m in Australia) She saw me chuckling & gave me a smile & said something else hilarious but I don’t remember what it was
Olli Hawk 1 year ago
I have a few I’m posting separately; once I was in the urinal when I heard this dude let out the most atrocious a**l explosion I’ve ever heard, and without missing a beat he gasps and yells “did you guys HEAR what that a*****e said to me!?
Jay Hall 1 year ago
The proper reply is; "he was talking s**t wasn't he?"
Load More Replies... LillieMean 1 year ago
I have one too. In the swimming pool, I heard how two elderly ladies were discussing their grandchildren's studies and career choices. Lady1: But what are we to criticize other people's choices. Lady2: True. We all poop the same poop. How philosophical.
Chris Przeklasa 1 year ago (edited)
I was sitting at a bar when two ladies started discussing a mans member..I overheard smiled and said "It's not the size of the boat it's the motion of the ocean" without a blink of an eye she responds " try swimming across the ocean in a canoe" lol yes I bought them their next round
Hooked 1 year ago (edited)
I have one too : I was eating at a restaurant with my husband in a town known for its thermal springs and spa's. A older couple, and what appeared to be her mother, were sitting at a table next to ours. They're discussing what they had been doing that day and the mother (in law) explained that she and her daughter went to the spa and brought back some bottles of "terminal water". I nearly choked on my food when I tried not to laugh. It's been over 20 years, but we still call spring water terminal water. Edit : 2 typos
Little king trash mouth 1 year ago
Me too! I'm on the iOS app and only one line if each post shows up.
Load More Replies... Papa 1 year ago
It was over 40 years ago, but I will never forget one day when I was high school when the teacher had stepped out of the room and a few of the girls were teasing a guy who was very innocent. One of them asked him if he was a virgin. He thought for a minute, and finally replied "No, I'm a Presbyterian."
Sharkfin6 1 year ago
I was like that in grade school. I had mostly female friends and one of the older guys teased me one time saying: "Hey i heard you're a player!" and I responded "well, yeah I play the trombone". He died laughing but made sure to ruffle my hair afterwards.
Load More Replies... Becca not Becky 1 year ago
Back in 2012, I was in the university dining hall. I heard some dudes talking and one said "Man, imma defriend the sh1t out of you on Facebook, Josh!"
Olli Hawk 1 year ago
Facebook died out but I’m still gonna be stealing that one
Load More Replies... Olli Hawk 1 year ago
I literally heard this less than five minutes ago and came back to this thread to post it, I just walked into a cafe and I heard these two guys talking, I don’t know what the context is but I heard one say to the other “you gotta hold BABIES. Do you even KNOW how many babies you have to hold?? You need to hold SO MANY BABIES. And I mean an absurd amount of babies, you gotta hold like 40 babies a week I’m TELLING YOU” it wasn’t really the conversation itself, but the guy was saying it in the most urgent tone, like holding babies will save his life
Aussiegirl 1 year ago
I was shopping & I heard a lady on the phone say ‘I think you are the scammer, tell your mum to stop f*****g my cattle’ she had an American accent which made it sound even funnier (I’m in Australia) She saw me chuckling & gave me a smile & said something else hilarious but I don’t remember what it was
You May Like "This Roast Is Absolutely Eternal": 40 Of The Funniest Text Conversations That Made People Laugh (New Pics) 160 Knock-Knock Jokes That Should Open The Door 110 Yo Mama Jokes To Leave Your Friend Speechless
Mantas Kačerauskas
Aivaras Kaziukonis
Saimonas Lukošius
Related on Bored Panda
