And I don't need an intro or reminder to "smash" that button, or music gah! Just get to it. And again. NO MUSIC!

So many times this. But you can access it from any device at any time. "B***h! It's work. I'm gonna save it on the work computer and then burn it from my memory. You think I wanna see this at home? You outta your damn mind Microsoft!"

I work at a vet clinic and that happens all the time. We say it ourselves. Family.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

On my laptop that I've been logging in on for 5 years in my house!

That's the correct acceptable method.

Depending on location though

I’m in this picture and I don’t like it! I almost tried petting a fluffy wild yak (I initially thought it was a bison but either way same story). I was walking alone inside a national park (got separated from my friends and decided to find myself to the exit). I saw a herd of them and let my intrusive thoughts win over. Walked over to them but luckily they fled. I was alone without any other visitors in sight and cell phone reception was nonexistent. Idk what I was thinking but hey I’m still alive to tell the story! Also why are they fluffy and friend shaped if not friends 🥲

Paramedics are better suited to emergencies than most other doctors..

How could one forget it's their day off? Hell, from minute one of the week, I'm counting down.

"Then my ex walked home"

To be fair, considering that Bram Stoker was Irish, the story of Dracula isn't the craziest story his countrymen & women have told.

Oh come on, you can't throw an insult like that! What did the trash can do to you to be burned like that?

That's like - 'Why Iron-man and not Fe-male?"

I tried Rosetta Stone for Italian and one of the phrases it taught me was “the horse is beside the car”. I thought, when am I going to use that? Then I happened to see a horse standing beside a car on an olive farm and I knew I’d never get another chance to use that phrase again! It’s the only thing I remember from that Rosetta Stone course too 😆

i want that hat.

Proud to be twisted? Let that freak flag fly. We support it.

Poetic AF

I don't know why but when there is no comments on a post I feel the need to think of something worthy of commenting.

As my mom used to say when we went shopping when I was a kid…”you can look, but don't touch”. Works for me very well.

Tell your nephew that you are going to give this man permission to look if he wants, thus also teaching him that consent is the important part. And then get his number.

Glad it not just me. I try to go first thing or my whole day is ruined.

Google always thinks I'm in a location 300 kilometers away though

bc shes amazing dUH

Nooo, I hate the texture of the wooden spoon against my tongue!

Blood clots

His wife when he gets home, WeLl?

Being rich doesn't mean making good decisions sober or drunk

Pro tip: buy really big boots.

does anyone know an exorcist

Either you need to feed your cat better or little Dahmer needs to be watched closely

that is a perfectly reasonable reaction

Cream of Wheat looks like concrete to me.

It can also mean it has only one bathroom, but it was super cheap and easy to put beds in two more rooms.

How do you sign a get well card for someone who is seriously sick? Do I go with the fake me or the real me? Obviously I went with the real me and said get back to work you slacker.

That's a nice Waffle House to be fair. Very Edward Hopper.

My nephew started walking before his twin sister did, and when she saw it, she realized she also wanted in on that action.

savage

Do you like a clean room? It takes time to turn the room.

they have rizz

They can have it before dinner when they serve whore d'oeurves.

I believe this is very clever and very true

Jorts is one of the few accounts I miss on Twitter.

As long as he doesn't pee on the couch...

Fake it till you make it?

I met my husband because a seagull stole the sammich I just made for him and sold him. I did not make him a new one either, just laughed at him.. been feeding him ever since.

Much underrated hobby, the old "gander at stuff". One of my faves.

Ugh, this happened to me in Paris too, I was so frustrated, especially as the guy's English was so much worse than my French. Pretty sure if I had have spoken English first he would have been annoyed and looked down at me as if I was a peasant (you know the look that only a Parisian can give when someone dares speak English to them)

Scary when you read this and you drive the same vehicle.

put ice cream in them like bowls and you'll be fine

What?