Join the Fun!

Duck standing on pavement, looking amused, possibly reminding viewers of a funny joke they've heard and remember to this day. Norm told this best:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the bartender replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???".

imref , Saeid Anvar Report

127points

POST

Doenutts 1 week ago

this is brilliant 🤣

24points

Man in green plaid hat drinking at a bar, celebrating a funny joke remembered to this day. An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.

The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.

He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”

The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”

Things remain the same for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender becomes concerned and asks him “how come you’re only ordering one shot? Did something happen to your brother? Is he ok?”

The Irishman replies, “of course not, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking”.

Mr_TigerZ , RDNE Stock project Report

107points

POST

Doenutts 1 week ago

**slow clap**

16points

A couple lying on the floor, one holding a baby, smiling and sharing the funniest joke still thought about today. It must suck having gay parents. You either get twice the normal amount of dad jokes or stuck in an endless loop of go ask your mother.

markymark0123 , Kaboompics.com Report

101points

POST

Not-a-Clue (she/her) 1 week ago

I love the story of the teen who trolled his dads by leaving a '"world's greatest dad" mug around at home and let them fight it out 😂

31points

AlphyCygnus , Monstera Production Report

Two kids playing with a toy car on wooden floor, evoking fun and laughter, reminiscent of the funniest joke told to this day. An old man is lying on his death bed with his wife at his side. They had 3 kids but the last one, Steve, looked nothing like the first 2 so he was always suspicious. The old man looked at his wife and says: "Hunny, it doesn't matter at this point but I need to know. Is Steve my son?" His wife smiles and says: "I swear to you, he is your son". The old man then dies peacefully. Then his wife says: "thank god he didn't ask about the first 2".

95points

POST

Cosmos 1 week ago

HA!

12points

Man hitchhiking on a rural road, wearing glasses and a dark jacket, pondering the funniest joke he's heard. I was driving down the road and saw a hitchhiker. Being in a generous mood, I decided I’d give him a ride. After I picked him up and we started on down the road, he was very thankful, but said “you aren’t scared that I could be a serial k*ller or something?” So I chuckled, looked at him and said “the chances that we are both serial k*llers is probably pretty low, don’t you think?”.

Low_cards , Seth Doyle Report

94points

POST

D G 1 week ago

Why is the "i" in killers censored????

21points

Elephant standing in the grassy savanna, evokes the funniest joke you've been told that you still think about to this day. My friend got me an elephant for my room. I said thanks and she said, don’t mention it.

JustbyLlama , Ghida Basma Report

81points

POST

CAREL LAWANI 1 week ago

I don’t get it

10points

Feet wearing sandals on a brick sidewalk, capturing a casual moment related to the funniest joke theme. What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Phillope.

magusmccormick , yoppy Report

77points

POST

Nea 1 week ago

This killed me 😂😂

20points

Worker in a yellow hard hat and gloves fixing wires outdoors, reminiscent of a funny joke you still think about to this day. How do you tell the difference between an electrician and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized.".

SailBoatFuel Report

76points

POST

RU Sirius 1 week ago

I'm an electrician I guess )))

14points

moggie63 1 week ago

Nope, don't get it.

4points

Amused panda 1 week ago

I didn't get it the first time I read it either, since I've not heard 'unionised' used when people in the UK are members of trade unions, and I'd expect it to be hyphenated for 'un-ionised'. (Also a Brit.)

7points

MyNameIsNotAPortent 1 week ago

How do you make an electrochemist dissociate?

4points

Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen 1 week ago

Break up with it?

3points

LeighAnne Brown-Pedersen 1 week ago

This one made me sound it out… while laughing!🤣

2points

Greengrass 4 days ago

Took me too long to get that

0points

Plant Wizard 5 days ago

Oh wow! I just LOVE this one. Brilliant!

0points

Roger9er 1 week ago

Little tension in this one. I guess it didn't mix well.

0points

Gabriella Fernandez 1 week ago

Im a chemist i guess LOL

0points

JK 1 week ago

For those that don't get it, electricians are union, chemists are not. One can't be fired at will, the other can.

0points

Nicole Weymann 1 week ago

Also "ions" are charged atoms or molecules. An *un-ionized* (as the Chemist would say) atom/moleculed has not electrical charge.

0points

Dread Pirate Roberts 1 week ago

Love it 😆

0points

#10

A dark, mysterious forest setting, reminiscent of the funniest joke you've been told that you still think about to this day. Short and sweet. A man and a young boy are walking together, deep in a creepy forest.

The young boy says: I'm scared...

The man replies: I'm the one who has to walk back alone...

SassiesSoiledPanties , Rosie Sun Report

72points

POST

Gabrielle 1 week ago (edited)

Plot twist: the boy is the man's son, and the dad's walking with him to his school.

27points

Catastophic_Fantasy , Kaboompics.com Report

#11

“Wooden plate with peanuts on a marble countertop, related to funniest joke discussions.” A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said “beautiful shirt“.
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.“.

69points

POST

jessica r 1 week ago

When I'm in a bar, not even the complimentary peanuts talk to me. FML.

10points

#12

Man holding calf muscle in pain on grass, wearing teal running shoes, reminiscent of a funny joke moment. There's this guy, Dave who absolutely hates going to the doctor. Luckily for him, his brother Henry is a veterinarian. So anytime Dave is sick, he tells Henry and Henry will say "look I'm not a doctor but here is what I would do and the medicines I would take".
One day Dave breaks his leg so he calls up his brother and tells Henry he broke his leg. Henry is quiet for a bit and then says "Dave, I've got bad news".

CluelessDinosaur , Kindel Media Report

69points

POST

Hassel Davidhoff 1 week ago

I think I'm missing something because I don't get it...

7points

#13

Man looking at a soccer ball with a thoughtful expression, outdoors. I couldn't work out why the ball was getting bigger...

Then it hit me.

sparkysparks666 , Harsh Raj Gond Report

68points

POST

wowbagger 1 week ago

Excellent picture!

15points

#14

A pot of boiling water, related to the funniest joke you’ve been told and still think about today. How do you make holy water? Easy. Just boil the hell out of it.

chazbo26 , Scott Akerman Report

67points

POST

Nea 1 week ago

Sounds logical to me.

12points

#15

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) How do you think the unthinkable?

... With an itheberg.

ALittleNightMusing , Pixabay Report

67points

POST

StarCrossedFriday 1 week ago

Okay, I giggled a little 😁

13points

#16

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) An old preacher, a renowned scholar, a rich businessman, and a young boy were riding on a small plane.

The engine fails and the pilot tells the passengers: "We're going down, but we only have 4 parachutes. One of us will have to stay, but it ain't gonna be me!" He grabs a parachute and jumps.

The scholar gets out of his seat and says, "I'm too smart to die!". He also grabs a parachute and jumps.

Once the businessman sees this, he says, "I'm too rich to die!". He grabs the third parachute and jumps.

The preacher looks at the young boy and says, "I've lived a long life, but you're still young. Take the last parachute and live."

The boy responds, "Thank you sir, that's very kind of you. But we can both survive."

Confused, the preacher asks, "What do you mean? We only have one parachute left."

To which the boy responds, "Before the scholar jumped, he grabbed my backpack.".

NeighborhoodNo7917 , Jimmy Chan Report

64points

POST

xolitaire 1 week ago

I know this one, but instead of the scholar it's Trump

37points

#17

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) A grocer is restocking the vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says “Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the spinach?” The man replies “Well ma’am we’re out of spinach today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then.”

The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks “Sir, I was wondering where I could find the spinach?” Confused, the grocer says “Well ma’am we are out of spinach today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow.”

The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks “Pardon me, but do you know where the spinach is?”

The grocer looks at her angrily and says “Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?” The woman replies “D-O-G” “Okay” says the grocer. “Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?” “C-A-T” says the woman. “Perfect” the grocer replies. “Now how do you spell f**k, as in spinach?” She replies, "sure, F - U - ... wait a sec ... there is no f**k in spinach.”

The grocer says “THAT’S THE POINT LADY!".

winkelschleifer , Matheus Cenali Report

63points

POST

Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 week ago

ROTFLMAO 😂 Love it

12points

#18

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a*s.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a*s.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Phat-mahn , RDNE Stock project Report

63points

POST

Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 week ago

As a recovering Catholic, I might actually go to this sermon!!!

31points

#19

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) NSFW but hilarious…

A penguin has his car break down and takes it in to get serviced on a hot summer’s day. While he’s waiting, he notices an ice cream parlor across the street. He heads over and gets a nice, big, vanilla ice cream cone and sits on the curb and eats it.

Since it’s so hot outside, it melts a bit and gets all over the place, especially around his beak.

Just then the mechanic calls to him and says his car is ready.

He heads inside, where the mechanic tells him, “looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin responds, “oh, no, it’s just a little ice cream.”.

whitethunder9 , Pixabay Report

58points

POST

StarCrossedFriday 1 week ago

I hate that my mind instantly went there 🫤

15points

#20

Happy dog sitting in a field, tongue out, surrounded by dry grass and graffiti in the background. What do you call a magical dog?

A Labracadabrador.

That joke makes me chuckle every time it passes through my brain.

The_difficult_bit , Oil Report

58points

POST

Nea 1 week ago

All dogs are magical and therefore Labracadabradors.

16points

#21

A man in a denim jacket laughing and pointing, reminded of the funniest joke he's been told. Knock knock

Hike.

Hike who?

Unsuspecting friend.

I await with baited breath.

Sets the perfect trap.

NSA_Chatbot , whoiswasiq Report

53points

POST

kissmychakram 1 week ago

Brilliant.

12points

#22

Person eating pizza, wearing a ring with navy nails, pondering a funny joke they still think about to this day. What do dark humor and food have in common?

Not everybody gets it.

Joe-Schmeaux , Fernanda Lima Report

51points

POST

Nea 1 week ago

Dark humour it is.

13points

#23

A coiled rope on a white background. A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tell him "Sorry, we don't serve strings here. Get out."

The string walks out and unravels one end of himself and ties himself up a few times and walks back in and orders a drink. The bartender says "Aren't you the string that was just in here?"

The string replies >!"No, I'm a frayed knot"!<

Heard this joke probably 23 years ago. Still love it and tell it to people.

Sa7aSa7a , Mockup Graphics Report

50points

POST

Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 week ago

Love this kind of joke!

12points

#24

A pig with large ears in a muddy field, related to the funniest joke you’ve been told topic. A guy from the city is out driving in the country.

He passes a farm and sees the farmer holding a pig up, so the pig can eat apples out of an apple tree. The city slicker has never seen anything like that, so he stops, hops the fence and approaches the farmer.

"What in the world are you doing?" the city slicker asks.

"Holdin' up mah pig, so he can eat apples out tha tree," the farmer says.

"Why not shake the tree, and let your pig eat the apples off the ground?" the city slicker says. "Wouldn't that save a lot of time?"

"Well," the farmer says, "What's time to a pig?".

Identical_Stranger , mali maeder Report

48points

POST

Corvus 1 week ago

Deep.

10points

rentiertrashpanda , William Warby Report

#25

Bright red shrimp on gravel, evoking thoughts of the funniest joke you've been told. What's the difference between a dirty transit hub and a lobster who's had plastic surgery? One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.

48points

POST

Brittania Kelli 1 week ago

What's the difference between Mary Poppins and Ghandi? One is supercalifraglisticexpialidocious and the other is a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-with-extreme-halitosis.

24points

#26

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) So many years ago I was shopping for groceries and standing in the aisle with the honey and syrup. An older gentleman casually walked up to me and said, "What's the hardest part of licking molasses? Spreading their little cheeks." Then he walked off.....funny joke and random encounter 10/10.

AMA_About_Birdlaw , Pixabay Report

48points

POST

Der Kommissar 1 week ago

Have you ever smelled mothballs? if so, how do you get their tiny legs apart?

13points

#27

Alligator in water with greenery, evoking a funny joke memory. What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

sasquatchfuntimes , Rene Ferrer Report

44points

POST

GhostlySnail (she/her) 1 week ago

There’s a whole kids comic book series based off this one pun, they’re actually really good

9points

#28

Man in a hoodie sitting on a couch, reflecting on the funniest joke he still thinks about to this day. One of my go to's I actually found on here a while back:

What's brown, and rhymes with snoop?

Dr dre.

butterflypuncher , Peacock Report

41points

POST

Khavrinen 1 week ago

What's brown and sticky? -- A stick.

16points

#29

Speckled chicken in a farm setting, evoking memories of a classic funny joke still thought about today. Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the dumb guys house.

Knock, knock. Who's there?
It's the chicken.

EastSideNick , Christian West Report

37points

POST

Eric Williams 1 week ago

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f.....g wanted to. That's the f.....g reason. RONALD REAGAN: I forgot. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into que

29points

#30

Front view of Five Guys restaurant, known for its milkshakes, with red signage and brick facade, open for customers. I actually just heard it today.

Jeffrey Dalmer ate Five Guys before it was even a restaurant.

ailish , JOHN K THORNE Report

27points

POST

sturmwesen 1 week ago

Dahmer

6points

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#31

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) George W Bush was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office when an aide came in.

“Sir, here is today’s list of casualties from the coalition in Iraq. I’m sorry to say that we lost a Brazilian.

Bush dropped his head into his hands. “Oh no…oh no…oh no…”

The aide felt bad. He had never seen him so distraught. “Sir, is there anything that I can do for you?”

Bush looked up and asked with pain visible in his eyes. “Yes…just tell me…how many is a Brazilian?”

(The subject probably dates me!).

heretomeetthedog , LBJ Library Report

23points

POST

Robert Millar 1 week ago

George Bush, visiting England, was viewing the Magna Carta. "When was this signed?" He asked. 1215 was the answer. "Darn it!" He said. "Missed it by 20 minutes!"

12points

#32

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) Blind man walks into a hardware store with his seeing eye dog. Picks the dog up by its tail and starts swinging it around over his head. Manager walks up and asks:

“Hello, sir. Can I help you?”

Blind man replies: “Nah. Just looking around.”.

pomdudes , Gustavo Fring Report

20points

POST

Mama Clare 1 week ago

I did chuckle at this one

2points

Dutch Swimmer Goes Viral For Super Revealing Trunks During 2024 Olympics: “Is This Legal?”

See Also on Bored Panda

Thrill-Seeking Diver Jumps Down Extreme Waterslide, Ignoring The Strict Ban For Women

#33

A Mexican magician tells his audience for his last trick he will make himself disappear! He starts uno, dos … poof … he disappears without a tres.

MarshMallo15 Report

20points

POST

Nea 1 week ago

😁😁

3points

#34

Mozart died a long time ago and was buried in the local cemetery. The groundskeeper was doing his job and all of a sudden heard something odd. In a panic, he ran to the pope and yelled. Pope! Pope! Come with me there’s something you have to hear!! So the two of them run back to the cemetery and they heard Mozart’s Fifth symphony, and they looked at each other puzzled, but they stayed listening and then they heard the fourth symphony then the third symphony and then the second played and all the sudden it dawned on the pope and he looked at the ground keeper and said “son you do not need to worry Mozart is just de-composing!”.

MarshMallo15 Report

20points

POST

Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 week ago

*groan* So bad it's good

3points

Woman Put A Water Fountain With A Camera In Her Yard, Here Are 24 Photos Of Regular Visitors (New Pics)

See Also on Bored Panda

“Ma’am I Live Here”: Woman Refuses To Back Out Of Driveway, Learns A Lesson The Hard Way

#35

A family is visiting the zoo; mom, dad, and their young son. As they’re looking at the elephants the boy asks his mother: “Mommy, what’s that hanging off the elephant?” She replies: “That’s his trunk!” The little boy says: “No, no! On the other end!” She replies: “That’s the elephants tail.” The little boy says: “No! No! Next to his leg!” The mom gets flustered and says: “Oh, it’s nothing! Go ask your father!” The little boy asks his father the same questions, ending up frustrated and saying: “No! No! No! What’s that next to his leg?” The father replies: “Well son, that’s the elephant’s p**is” The little boy thinks for minute, and asks his father: “Well, why did mommy say it was nothing?” Father replies: “Well son, your mom is a little spoiled”
~rim shot~.

SnooDoubts2040 Report

19points

POST

Michael Largey 1 week ago

During a visit to a government farm in the 1920s, First Lady Coolidge noticed that a rooster was mating frequently on the same day. She told the tour guide "Tell Mr. Coolidge." When the guide did later, Coolidge asked if the rooster was always mating with the same hen. When the guide said no, the President told the guide "Tell Mrs. Coolidge."

1point

#36

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) My mom told me there is a weirdo on every bus. I've never found him. - Steven Wright.

LadyTreeRoot , Jakob Scholz Report

19points

POST

ALittleKnownGoddess 1 week ago

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

3points

50 Of The Most Incredible Shots That Were Submitted To The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards

See Also on Bored Panda

French Diver’s “Jewels” In Tight Swimming Trunks Become Talk Of The Town At Olympics

#37

A woman wakes up on her birthday, and says to her husband "Honey, I had a dream last night that you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What do you think it means?" Her husband smiles and says "Maybe tonight you'll find out." Later that night, the couple go out to a nice show, and have dinner at their special place. At the end of the meal, the husband takes out a small gift-wrapped box, gives it to his wife, and says, "Happy Birthday honey" The wife opens the box and inside is a book titled "How to Interpret Your Dreams.".

JetScreamerBaby Report

18points

POST

Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 week ago

That guy is in sooooo much trouble! 😆

7points

#38

Not a joke exactly. One time me and my dad and his employ where just standing outside and a bird pooped on my dad's head and his employee started to run off and my dad's like where are you going? And the guy says to get some toilet paper, and my dad says why it will fly away before you get back.

anonamouse4271 Report

18points

POST

A girl 1 week ago

Aw. I thought that was my dad's joke. Circa 1975

3points

Woman Moves Out Of Parents' Home After They Asked Her To Give Her Space To Brother, They Freak Out

See Also on Bored Panda

Mom Leaves $250k Inheritance To Son, Throws A Fit When Daughter Stops Looking After Her

#39

A man goes to his doctor. Doc says,”I have good news and bad news”…….the man says give me the good news first. “Ok, you 24 hours to live”. The man shots back, “that’s horrible! What could be worse than that?”. “I was supposed to call you yesterday“.

Drphil1969 Report

18points

POST

Dread Pirate Roberts 1 week ago

😂

2points

#40

Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a pervert in nothing but a trench coat stops in front of them, opens his coat and flashes them!

Two of the little old ladies immediately have a stroke. The third one couldn't quite reach.

Eclectophile Report

18points

POST

Cyber Returns 1 week ago

Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench. One says "Isn't it windy" The second says "No, it's Thursday" the third says "So am I, lets go have a cuppa"

11points

#41

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) Two muffins are sitting in an oven

one muffin turns to the other and says "damn its getting hot in here"

the other muffin exclaims "holy s**t a talking muffin".

jtowndtk , Ivan Samkov Report

16points

POST

Lost Panda 1 week ago

I remeber it as two sausages in a frying pan, but funny nonetheless

3points

Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

See Also on Bored Panda

“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

#42

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) Why does a chicken coup only have 2 doors?
If it had 4, it’d be a chicken sedan.

And, why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

giveme-adundie , Colombe Delons Report

16points

POST

Leoninus Fate 1 week ago

oddly these were the same 2 jokes that was on Loud House {i mean there old jokes but the character in the show said the same 2 jokes one after the other in the same way word for word...}

1point

NancyintheSmokies4 , Dallas Reedy Report

#43

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb? “None of your f*****g business.”.

16points

POST

Emma S 1 week ago

I'm walking here!

12points

#44

A duck walks into a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. “I’d like some Chapstick”, he tells the pharmacist. “How are you going to pay for that?” the pharmacist asks. The duck replies “Just put it on my bill”.

Gilligan_G131131 Report

15points

POST

Der Kommissar 1 week ago

that joke always quacks me up

1point

#45

When I was little, I would ask my mom to tell me this story/joke over and over and it would make me crack up. She said that there was a dude, and he had heard they were drafting men to a war. But he didn’t want to go to war, so he pulled out all his teeth bc I guess that would prevent him from getting drafted. Then when the recruiters came and made all the men line up to be inspected, the first thing they looked at was his feet. And they said “we can’t recruit you. You have flat feet.” And that’s it. That’s the joke.

unknwnsatori Report

15points

POST

StarCrossedFriday 1 week ago

Well, my brother and I used to have hysterics over my mum’s impression of a dying head louse. Every time we got headlice and had to go through the shampoo and combing, she’d do it to cheer us up, and we’d beg her to do her act for weeks on end. And OP’s mum’s story is actually pretty funny 😬

8points

"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

See Also on Bored Panda

Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

#46

A man dies and goes to hell. He's met by a big ugly demon who tells him he must choose his eternal punishment behind one of 3 doors.

Behind the first door is endless fire, everyone and everything is burning.

Behind the second door is ice. Everything is frozen, people's limbs break off, etc.

Behind the 3rd door, everyone is standing up to their chests in s**t, but they're drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes.

Guy's like, well I don't want to burn or freeze, and they're all drinking coffee and smoking, seems actually kinda nice. So he chooses door 3.

He wades down into the excrement and sloshes his way to the coffee pot and pours his first cup. Around 5 minutes later, the demon enters the room and says, "Alright everyone, break's over. Stand on your heads!".

anon Report

15points

POST

Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 week ago

Ewwww!

3points

#47

A man is in a bar and overhears a group of women with a strong English accent.

He walks over and asks "Excuse me, are you women from Scotland?"

One of the women angrily replies "It's Wales!"

The man replies, "I'm sorry, are you Whales from Scotland?".

VarsityTheater Report

15points

POST

Corwin 02 1 week ago

"and that is all I remembered when I woke from the coma"

5points

“All Three Shot Out Pink”: Triplets' Baby Shower Turns Sour, Pregnant Wife Wants A Divorce

See Also on Bored Panda

College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

#48

It's a silly dad joke one but it goes like this

"What has five toes and isn't your foot?"

"My Foot".

SkyMortar65 Report

13points

POST

#49

Did you hear about the pirate that bought himself a pair of earrings for $2? That’s not bad for a buccaneer!

Morrack2000 Report

13points

POST

#50

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) I once saw “If you took a s**t please give it back” written in a bathroom stall. Still makes me chuckle.

CryptoSlovakian , Ben Schumin Report

12points

POST

Leoninus Fate 1 week ago

in our family we used to say "I have to take a Sh*t/Pi$$" and without fail someone would always say "Well don't take one of mine"

3points

#51

“What Is The Funniest Joke You’ve Been Told That You Still Think About To This Day?” (30 Answers) How do you make a handkerchief dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

Ninnaoverthere , vjlawson2001 Report

12points

POST

#52

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

getthephenom Report

11points

POST

ALittleKnownGoddess 1 week ago

Ba dum tiss

1point

#53

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

jethrobeard Report

11points

POST

Not-a-Clue (she/her) 1 week ago

This really doesn't work written down.

0points

#54

Short, simple, and a dad joke but it still makes me laugh as much now at 33 as when I was 10 or 11 and first read it:

"There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says 'you drive, I'll do the shooting.'".

thufirseyebrow Report

11points

POST

Leoninus Fate 1 week ago

For everyone that was too dim to get it {or young, I guess since this is an old joke...} THEY ARE IN A TANK, a TANK, like you drive in a war and it can SHOOT...... understand now? hopefully good

1point

Valuable-Average-476 Report

#55

From a book I read to my daughter 20 years ago:

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Howie
Howie who?
I’m fine. Howie you?

8points

POST

Nea 1 week ago

My nephew sill love this 😀

2points

Illustrious-Two-1202 Report

#56

I still giggle at this one my friend told me a few months ago:

Person A: Did you hear about the celebrity who was stabbed?

Person B: No, what was her name?

Person A: Reese something

Person B: Witherspoon?

Person A: No with a knife

or the classic “I can’t believe they’re still together after all the s**t they’ve been through… your a*s cheeks”.

7points

POST

#57

This one relies on the delivery.

"What does a 300 pound canary say?"

And then, as loud as you possibly can, shout CHIRP!

ArtificialSatellites Report

6points

POST

Lotekguy 1 week ago

I first heard it with the punch line in a deep voice saying "Here, kitty, kitty "

2points

#58

The cop who asked the speeder what his excuse was.

The speeder says, my wife ran off with a cop last week, I figured you where bringing her back.

anonamouse4271 Report

5points

POST

Nea 1 week ago

Wife jokes SUCK.

3points

#59

My grandmother hit me with the best joke I’ve ever heard in my life. I was about 12 when she told me this.

“A male potato chip and a female chip walk into a bar… the female chip goes to the bathroom. A different female chip walks up and asks the male chip… so… are you Herr’s or Frito Lay…”

Free to lay. Man. My grandmother was an absolute queen.

DaddyDoubleDoinks Report

4points

POST

Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 week ago

ROTFLMAO 😂 🤣 😅 That was funny!

0points

#60

So I was over at Jeffrey Dahmer’s house and asked if he had any lettuce. He was like, “Sure - there’s a head in the fridge.”.

CatacombsRave Report

4points

POST

Der Kommissar 1 week ago

You know Jeffrey is mad at you if, at dinner, he gives you the cold shoulder.

3points

A writer here at Bored Panda, I am a lover of good music, good food, and good company, which makes food-related topics and feel-good stories my favorite ones to cover. Passionate about traveling and concerts, I constantly seek occasions to visit places yet personally unexplored. I also enjoy spending free time outdoors, trying out different sports—even if I don’t look too graceful at it—or socializing over a cup of coffee.

Read less »

Gabija is a photo editor at Bored Panda. Before joining the team, she achieved a Professional Bachelor degree in Photography and has been working as a freelance photographer since. She also has a special place in her heart for film photography, movies and nature.

Read less »

What do you think ?

POST

ZGutr 1 week ago (edited)

Everybody that lives here says the house is haunted. I've been here 274 years now and never noticed anything

21points

Birb 1 week ago

What do you call a spider with 8 eyes? A spiiiiiiiider

17points

Meta Veldkamp 1 week ago

How do you call a moose with no naam, anonymoose

1point

Tobias Reaper 1 week ago

A: Knock Knock B: whos there A: interupting cow B: interupting co.... A: MOOOO

14points

Lez Be Honest 4 days ago

This is my favorite joke in the whole world!!! I laugh like crazy every time I tell it!

1point

Thorty4 1 week ago

What's E.T short for..... because he has little legs.

10points

Cosmos 1 week ago

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle!

9points

Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 week ago

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck! I tried to childproof my house, but they keep getting in!

8points

Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 week ago

The cemetery is so crowded, but people are still dying to get in!

10points

Jessica Scott 1 week ago

One my dad told me that I always loved (yes we're a twisted family): What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver? WHACK... Damn! Damn... WHACK.

7points

Metalhead Turtle 🇺🇦 1 week ago

Made me smile. I guess I'm twisted, too.

1point

reuben kift 1 week ago (edited)

Why can't my bicycle stand up by itself? Because, it is two-tired.

7points

Papa 1 week ago

An older gentleman was working out at the gym with his trainer. An attractive young woman happened to walk by, and the old man asked his trainer "What machine should I use to impress that young lady?" The trainer looked at the old man, then looked at the young lady, and then looked back at the old man, and said "I'd recommend the ATM in the lobby."

6points

BookFanatic 1 week ago

I've got a couple. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. What happened when the blue ship crashed into the red ship? All the sailors were marooned. I also know a score of dirty jokes, but I'll keep it clean.

6points

Der Kommissar 1 week ago (edited)

What's brown and sticky? a stick. what is red and is bad for your teeth? a flying brick

5points

Meta Veldkamp 1 week ago

😂😂😂😂 this one made me spill my drink

0points

Nea 1 week ago

Good job at keeping most of these non-offensive

5points

Rae Reyn 1 week ago

Norwegian ships now have barcodes on the side so when the ships come in to port they can Scandinavian.

4points

McTrash (They/them) 1 week ago

What do you get when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?

4points

Meta Veldkamp 1 week ago

👌l

0points

Jimmy Cornillez 1 week ago

A guy walks into a bar and says ouch. Two guys walk into a bar. You figure after the first guy hit it the 2nd guy would've ducked.

3points

char 1 week ago

what are the strongest days of the week? saturday and sunday, all the others are weekdays.

2points

char 1 week ago

one of my favorite childhood memories was building sandcastles with my grandpa. then my mom took the urn away.

2points

Montanavanna 1 week ago

Why can't a lesbian go on a diet and wear make up at the same time? Cuz you can't eat Jenny Craig when you got Mary Kay on your face..baddum tss..this might be a joke for people above a certain age but I have always loved it

2points

Richard Graham 1 week ago (edited)

What do you get when you cross a Mafia Don with an Interpretive Dancer? Someone who will make you an offer you don't understand.

2points

AnnaB Premium 1 week ago

Guy 1: I just got back from Barbados. They had the best lemon pie! It was $2.00 a slice. Then I went to Jamaica. The lemon pie there was $8.00 a slice! Guy 2: Why the difference? Guy 1: I don't know. Those are just the pie rates of the Caribbean.

2points

Corvus 1 week ago

How does a Welsh man find a sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying ;)

2points

Not-a-Clue (she/her) 1 week ago

Some funny one and quite a lot that were meh or totally pointless. A few I didn't get at all, and I think are possibly culturally or language specific.

2points

Meta Veldkamp 1 week ago

A cricket goes into a bar and the bartender says: we have a drink named after you. An the cricket says: you have a drink named Steve???

1point

DeZeCrATioN 1 week ago

What do a necrophi|iac and an alcoholic have in common? Both like to crack open a cold one :)

1point

Meta Veldkamp 1 week ago

💀🖤🩶

1point

Josh David Whitmore 1 week ago

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. HEY!....it could happen!

1point

Highfalutin Heron Premium 1 week ago

Why did the little kid go to rehab? He was hooked on phonics

1point

Rednose 1 week ago

True story. My SIL raises chickens. One morning as she opened the sealed feed barrel, out jumped a chicken. Not one to waste a spontaneous pun, I suggested she might be eligible for the "pullet surprise."

1point

René Sauer 1 week ago

Too bad my favorites are build on german language and are thus hard to translate.

1point

Pixie T 9 hours ago

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalottapus

0points

Dl B 1 week ago

There is a bakery that has a very small floor space so they store the baked goods on high shelves along the wall. They hired a young woman with very short skirts to be the cashier. One day a man came in for some raisin bread. She had to get the ladder, bring it over to the proper shelf and climb all the way to the top to get the raisin bread. The man was enjoying watching her, in her short skirts climb up there. As she was coming down another man came in. He saw was happening and decided he needed some raisin bread. After she went and got the second guy his loaf he decided he needed a second loaf. As she was at the top of the ladder an old man with a cane came shuffling in. The girl thought she could save some time and effort. She yelled from the top of ladder to the old man "Is yours raisin too" He replied "No, but it is wigglin' some"

0points

Josh David Whitmore 1 week ago

I asked my doctor what is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer. He said, "The taste."

0points

Josh David Whitmore 1 week ago

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. HEY!.....it could happen!

0points

Kain Guru 1 week ago

How do you kill a blue elephant? Shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

0points

Amy Roberts 1 week ago

And when we tell them, let’s just include some more female characters and get rid of the masculine neutral??

0points

Carl Smith 1 week ago

This comment has been deleted.

0points

Carl Smith 1 week ago

What's black and white and red all over? A nun with her throat slit.

-1point

Papa 1 week ago

I always thought it was a zebra with a sunburn.

1point

POST

ZGutr 1 week ago (edited)

Everybody that lives here says the house is haunted. I've been here 274 years now and never noticed anything

21points

Birb 1 week ago

What do you call a spider with 8 eyes? A spiiiiiiiider

17points

Meta Veldkamp 1 week ago

How do you call a moose with no naam, anonymoose

1point

Tobias Reaper 1 week ago

A: Knock Knock B: whos there A: interupting cow B: interupting co.... A: MOOOO

14points

Lez Be Honest 4 days ago

This is my favorite joke in the whole world!!! I laugh like crazy every time I tell it!

1point

Thorty4 1 week ago

What's E.T short for..... because he has little legs.

10points

Cosmos 1 week ago

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle!

9points

Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 week ago

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck! I tried to childproof my house, but they keep getting in!

8points

Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 week ago

The cemetery is so crowded, but people are still dying to get in!

10points

Jessica Scott 1 week ago

One my dad told me that I always loved (yes we're a twisted family): What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver? WHACK... Damn! Damn... WHACK.

7points

Metalhead Turtle 🇺🇦 1 week ago

Made me smile. I guess I'm twisted, too.

1point

reuben kift 1 week ago (edited)

Why can't my bicycle stand up by itself? Because, it is two-tired.

7points

Papa 1 week ago

6points

BookFanatic 1 week ago

6points

Der Kommissar 1 week ago (edited)

What's brown and sticky? a stick. what is red and is bad for your teeth? a flying brick

5points

Meta Veldkamp 1 week ago

😂😂😂😂 this one made me spill my drink

0points

Nea 1 week ago

Good job at keeping most of these non-offensive

5points

Rae Reyn 1 week ago

Norwegian ships now have barcodes on the side so when the ships come in to port they can Scandinavian.

4points

McTrash (They/them) 1 week ago

What do you get when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?

4points

Meta Veldkamp 1 week ago

👌l

0points

Jimmy Cornillez 1 week ago

A guy walks into a bar and says ouch. Two guys walk into a bar. You figure after the first guy hit it the 2nd guy would've ducked.

3points

char 1 week ago

what are the strongest days of the week? saturday and sunday, all the others are weekdays.

2points

char 1 week ago

one of my favorite childhood memories was building sandcastles with my grandpa. then my mom took the urn away.

2points

Montanavanna 1 week ago

2points

Richard Graham 1 week ago (edited)

What do you get when you cross a Mafia Don with an Interpretive Dancer? Someone who will make you an offer you don't understand.

2points

AnnaB Premium 1 week ago

2points

Corvus 1 week ago

How does a Welsh man find a sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying ;)

2points

Not-a-Clue (she/her) 1 week ago

Some funny one and quite a lot that were meh or totally pointless. A few I didn't get at all, and I think are possibly culturally or language specific.

2points

Meta Veldkamp 1 week ago

A cricket goes into a bar and the bartender says: we have a drink named after you. An the cricket says: you have a drink named Steve???

1point

DeZeCrATioN 1 week ago

What do a necrophi|iac and an alcoholic have in common? Both like to crack open a cold one :)

1point

Meta Veldkamp 1 week ago

💀🖤🩶

1point

Josh David Whitmore 1 week ago

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. HEY!....it could happen!

1point

Highfalutin Heron Premium 1 week ago

Why did the little kid go to rehab? He was hooked on phonics

1point

Rednose 1 week ago

1point

René Sauer 1 week ago

Too bad my favorites are build on german language and are thus hard to translate.

1point

Pixie T 9 hours ago

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalottapus

0points

Dl B 1 week ago

0points

Josh David Whitmore 1 week ago

I asked my doctor what is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer. He said, "The taste."

0points

Josh David Whitmore 1 week ago

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. HEY!.....it could happen!

0points

Kain Guru 1 week ago

How do you kill a blue elephant? Shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

0points

Amy Roberts 1 week ago

And when we tell them, let’s just include some more female characters and get rid of the masculine neutral??

0points

Carl Smith 1 week ago

This comment has been deleted.

0points

Carl Smith 1 week ago

What's black and white and red all over? A nun with her throat slit.

-1point

Papa 1 week ago

I always thought it was a zebra with a sunburn.

1point