A police officer pulls over a semi truck. He gets the usual license and registration, but hears strange noises coming from the trailer, so he decides to investigate. Inside, he finds 50 penguins.

“Sir, why do you have 50 penguins in your truck?” The officer asks the driver

“Well, they’re my friends, and we like to go on journeys together in my truck” the man replies

“I’m sorry sir, but you can’t just own 50 penguins. I’m afraid you’re going to have to take them to the zoo”

The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same cop pulls the truck over again, and once again hears strange noises in the trailer. He goes to check and finds the same 50 penguins.

“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday!” The cop angrily tells the driver

“I did take them to the zoo! They loved it! Today we’re going to the beach”.

pplazzz Report

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Norm told this best:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the bartender replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???".

imref Report

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It must suck having gay parents. You either get twice the normal amount of dad jokes or stuck in an endless loop of go ask your mother.

markymark0123 Report

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An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.

The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.

He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”

The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”

Things remain the same for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender becomes concerned and asks him “how come you’re only ordering one shot? Did something happen to your brother? Is he ok?”

The Irishman replies, “of course not, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking”.

Mr_TigerZ Report

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An old man is lying on his death bed with his wife at his side. They had 3 kids but the last one, Steve, looked nothing like the first 2 so he was always suspicious. The old man looked at his wife and says: "Hunny, it doesn't matter at this point but I need to know. Is Steve my son?" His wife smiles and says: "I swear to you, he is your son". The old man then dies peacefully. Then his wife says: "thank god he didn't ask about the first 2".

AlphyCygnus Report

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My friend got me an elephant for my room. I said thanks and she said, don’t mention it.

JustbyLlama Report

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What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Phillope.

magusmccormick Report

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How do you tell the difference between an electrician and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized.".

SailBoatFuel Report

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There's this guy, Dave who absolutely hates going to the doctor. Luckily for him, his brother Henry is a veterinarian. So anytime Dave is sick, he tells Henry and Henry will say "look I'm not a doctor but here is what I would do and the medicines I would take".
One day Dave breaks his leg so he calls up his brother and tells Henry he broke his leg. Henry is quiet for a bit and then says "Dave, I've got bad news".

CluelessDinosaur Report

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How do you think the unthinkable?

... With an itheberg.

ALittleNightMusing Report

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Short and sweet. A man and a young boy are walking together, deep in a creepy forest.

The young boy says: I'm scared...

The man replies: I'm the one who has to walk back alone...

SassiesSoiledPanties Report

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An old preacher, a renowned scholar, a rich businessman, and a young boy were riding on a small plane.

The engine fails and the pilot tells the passengers: "We're going down, but we only have 4 parachutes. One of us will have to stay, but it ain't gonna be me!" He grabs a parachute and jumps.

The scholar gets out of his seat and says, "I'm too smart to die!". He also grabs a parachute and jumps.

Once the businessman sees this, he says, "I'm too rich to die!". He grabs the third parachute and jumps.

The preacher looks at the young boy and says, "I've lived a long life, but you're still young. Take the last parachute and live."

The boy responds, "Thank you sir, that's very kind of you. But we can both survive."

Confused, the preacher asks, "What do you mean? We only have one parachute left."

To which the boy responds, "Before the scholar jumped, he grabbed my backpack.".

NeighborhoodNo7917 Report

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I couldn't work out why the ball was getting bigger...

Then it hit me.

sparkysparks666 Report

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A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said “beautiful shirt“.
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.“.

Catastophic_Fantasy Report

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What do dark humor and food have in common?

Not everybody gets it.

Joe-Schmeaux Report

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Knock knock

Hike.

Hike who?

Unsuspecting friend.

I await with baited breath.

Sets the perfect trap.

NSA_Chatbot Report

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What do you call a magical dog?

A Labracadabrador.

That joke makes me chuckle every time it passes through my brain.

The_difficult_bit Report

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What's the difference between a dirty transit hub and a lobster who's had plastic surgery? One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.

rentiertrashpanda Report

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So many years ago I was shopping for groceries and standing in the aisle with the honey and syrup. An older gentleman casually walked up to me and said, "What's the hardest part of licking molasses? Spreading their little cheeks." Then he walked off.....funny joke and random encounter 10/10.

AMA_About_Birdlaw Report

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A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tell him "Sorry, we don't serve strings here. Get out."

The string walks out and unravels one end of himself and ties himself up a few times and walks back in and orders a drink. The bartender says "Aren't you the string that was just in here?"

The string replies >!"No, I'm a frayed knot"!<

Heard this joke probably 23 years ago. Still love it and tell it to people.

Sa7aSa7a Report

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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

sasquatchfuntimes Report

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One of my go to's I actually found on here a while back:

What's brown, and rhymes with snoop?

Dr dre.

butterflypuncher Report

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A guy from the city is out driving in the country.

He passes a farm and sees the farmer holding a pig up, so the pig can eat apples out of an apple tree. The city slicker has never seen anything like that, so he stops, hops the fence and approaches the farmer.

"What in the world are you doing?" the city slicker asks.

"Holdin' up mah pig, so he can eat apples out tha tree," the farmer says.

"Why not shake the tree, and let your pig eat the apples off the ground?" the city slicker says. "Wouldn't that save a lot of time?"

"Well," the farmer says, "What's time to a pig?".

Identical_Stranger Report

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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the dumb guys house.

Knock, knock. Who's there?
It's the chicken.

EastSideNick Report

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I actually just heard it today.

Jeffrey Dalmer ate Five Guys before it was even a restaurant.

ailish Report

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