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31 Things People Discovered Were Not OK In A Relationship Only After Dating Someone Else
It’s no big secret that every relationship comes with its unique set of norms, limits, and problems. Yet sometimes, especially if you don’t have a lot of expertise in the area, it can be hard to recognize whether the tendencies of your partner are actually normal or if they carry an unhealthy undertone.
This is particularly true in the case of long-term relationships since it may be easier to overlook and perhaps even rationalize someone’s conduct when you’ve given all of yourself to one person for such a lengthy period. However, regardless of your circumstances, there are certain relationship issues that you should never put up with, be it something as evil as abuse or as seemingly harmless as being a bit too clingy.
“People whose first relationship was very long-term, what weird thing did you believe was normal until you started seeing other people?” – this web user turned to one of Reddit’s most thought-provoking communities, asking its members to describe what traits and behaviors they thought were normal before they started dating others. The thread managed to garner over 57k upvotes as well as 11.8k comments discussing the random and sometimes rather toxic antics of ex-lovers.
More info: Reddit
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#1
I texted my then new girlfriend about where I was and who I was with about every 30 minutes. After the 3rd time, she told me that she didn't need to get updates on what I was doing, and to just let her know when I got home safe. I remember feeling almost a physical weight being lifted off my chest because I didn't have to worry about my girlfriend freaking out if I didn't update her. I learned what trust felt like that night.
Sweetpotato314 2 years ago
That PTSD from toxic relationships is real. I found myself always telling my gf where I was going whenever I stood up. "I'm going to the bathroom." "I'm going to the mailbox." Whatever. She finally asked why I do that and, it is leftover from my last relationship. It is nice not to feel obligated to do that anymore.
#2
Daily binge drinking until I realized a) I'm an alcoholic and b) hetero relationships don't work when one partner tries to drink the gay away
Only took me 9 years but I got there eventually
#3
This is morbid but I thought it was normal to argue every day. I thought 'all couples have their bickering' and it was just a regular thing.
I was astounded when I went into my next relationship and actually got on with the guy and went weeks and weeks without having any issues. It always felt like the bubble was going to burst. Goes to show - don't stay in a relationship just because you've already invested a tonne of time. You get one life, spend it with someone who makes you laugh every day.
harpling 2 years ago
I remember being shocked when I was small and over at a friend's house. His parents disagreed about something and then, amazingly, didn't start screaming! They discussd whatever it was (something about a trampoline, I think) calmly, and listened to each other, and compromised on a solution. I had never seen adults behave like that! I'd always thought screaming and shouting was how people disagreed, and it was perfectly normal to disagree about everything.
#4
Your partner should actually make an effort to spend time with you. You shouldn't have to surprise them to spend any time with them.
#5
Psychological abuse. I have a physical reaction now when my current partners are nice to me when I do something he would have berated me for hours and locked me in my room for. Like, I get a panic attack *because* my partners are nice to me when I drop a glass, or got laid off, or forgot to unload the dishwasher. And then they don't bring it up every time they're irritated with me. My ex was still yelling at me 14 years later for s**t I did when we first started dating - s**t like I forgot to pick up his laundry from the floor or bought the wrong brand of bacon. At the end there, the lectures lasted hours as he recounted 14 years of offenses. My current partners? They don't throw s**t in my face that I did the day before. The dissonance is crazy. I knew the other abuse wasn't normal, but my step dad is the same way with my mom, so I had no idea, I just thought it's how men are.
Lisa H 2 years ago
My ex would constantly bring up the fact that I experimented with other guys prior to meeting him. "I'm so jealous that you did that thing with that one guy from years ago, but you won't do it with me." As I have tried to explain to him, that's when I realized I didn't like that thing, but he still acted hurt about it and took it as me rejecting him and not just accepting the fact that I have preferences in the bedroom. He never let it go.
#6
That you should be happy together *now*, and not constantly waiting for some vaguely defined future where everything's settled down.
#7
My first boyfriend was so ridiculously clingy. Like if we were in bed together we would HAVE to cuddle otherwise he would cry and think that I was mad at him, when in reality I was just hot and wanted some space.
I just thought that's what relationships were.
My relationship now is nothing like that. It is so nice to be in the same room but doing completely seperate things and not have to worry about each other.
#8
Both oh my exbfs (2 years each relationship) told me that I had to be under 100lbs. I’m very petite but changed when I ate so I only ate one a day. My now husband has to kindly remind me that it’s okay to eat more then one meal.
Purplescales 2 years ago
That is just unacceptable to expect a grown adult to be under 100 pounds, that sounds like they wanted a child but wouldn’t admit it.
#9
This is a little strange I guess, sort of an individual thing, but... with my first two relationships (5 years total between the two) I never realized how cuddly I am. I used to HATE being touched or kissed, and I never realized that wasn't just... the way I was. I even thought I might be asexual, but deep down I knew that wasn't the case.
My fiancé used to be the same way, but when we met, somehow things just... clicked into place.
#10
You're apparantly not supposed to be afraid of your boyfriend, and a man doing his share of his own housework is not impossible to come by nor something you can't realistically expect! Also your partner isn't supposed to hate your friends and family nor shout at you about not having steak for dinner. And throwing glasses/plates at you or throwing punches is, like, frowned upon. (I'm living a much better life nowadays, truly! :) )
#11
being cowed into an "open arrangement" = normal.
Him introducing me to "friends" while hanging out or going to parties and then him telling me later in the evening after the ice had broken that they were actually the girl(s) he was f*****g. Capitulating to his insistance that we continue to hang out even though I was uncomfortable with knowing this new information. = Normal.
Him making unwelcome and uncomfortable comments to other women I was friends with in front of me to attempt to orchestrate threesomes that I was not ok with.= Normal
If you love me, you'll chase after me = Normal
If you love me you'll leave face time up at all times so I can see whats going on in your dorm = Normal
If you love me you will not show any sad or mad emotion because it ruins my mood = Normal.
#12
Crying. All. The. Time.
She would use tears to the point of manipulation. This was in high school btw. I thought that was just “a girl thing” but no way. My current gf and I have been dating for 3 and a half years and she only cries when she’s in pain or having a panic attack. Both of which are not my fault and I can help her through.
Damn I thought every girl cried like 3 times a day. If any of you are dating a Kendra from Southern California, get the hell away.
Headless Roach 2 years ago
Some people are more emotional than others, it will not be manipulation in every case. Having said that, you are not your partner's therapist.
#13
People's love languages are all different. It's especially jarring when you have a *lot* of experience doing things a certain way, and then finding out that isn't what somebody else needs. It can take some work to figure out what's inherent to yourself and what was learned from your partner.
#14
I would lick the side of my first girlfriend's face like a dog and she loved it. My second girlfriend slapped me when I tried it.
#16
I see so much horrible things on here, mine is quite tame but here goes.
My first boyfriend would always leave me small presents or notes underneath my pillow if I had to get up earlier than he did. He was quite romantic and told me I love you quite a lot. When I got a new boyfriend I caught myself looking underneath my pillow for at least a month/2 months in, just out of habit.
Screen_Addict 2 years ago
Aww that's sweet, so much better than the some of the abusive things on here
#17
She made me believe the old TV tropes of women NEVER wanting sex. I had to work my a*s off to get her to give me some action.
The next girl I had was just f*****g amazed that I didn't just ask for it when I wanted it. The bewildered look on her face when she finally asked "You realize I'm horny too right?"
#18
I grew up in a pretty strict Christian home and was taught that sex before marriage was a sin.
My first teenage boyfriend and I were together for 5 years and never came anywhere close to having sex. At the time, I thought it was because I was a good Christian. Since sex before marriage was wrong, I didn't want to have sex with him. All my friends were either having sex or struggling not to. I didn't understand this because I didn't have the desire to do "wrong," just as I didn't have the desire to hurt people or lie or steal.
He and I broke up as our lives went in different paths. My next relationship became sexual pretty quickly, and it was only then that I realized that I was never really attracted to my ex, which is why I didn't want to have sex with him.
OnAFreakingRollercoaster 2 years ago
How many times do I have to downvote and report spam for this guy to get blocked? He is so f***Ing annoying
#19
My ex basically taught me that it wasn't okay for me to be upset about things. Every time I would get my feelings hurt (even when I was upset about something completely unrelated to him) it was somehow flipped around so I ended up reassuring and comforting him. That s**t really messed me up, and I basically had to relearn how to be vulnerable with my SO. He also had a very solid plan of how he expected me to live my life, basically his main goal for me was to have kids and be a good housewife. Yikes.
On the bright side, nowadays I'm happily engaged and my fiance treats me with so much love and respect. He's supportive of my dreams and we are able to lean on each other in times of hardship.
#20
It wasn't super long term, only about a year but when you're in high school that's fairly long term. My ex was a very clingy dude, sweet but would follow me around every social gathering and get jealous of me spending time with my friends. When I started dating the guy who is now my husband I remember looking around at a party early on of mostly my friends that he hadn't met before and I couldn't find him. I asked someone where he was and he was out by the fire with a group of people chatting and hanging out. I was astonished that we could just go our separate ways in a social setting and that was totally fine, we didn't have to be attached at the hip the whole time.
Edit: When I say he would follow me around I literally mean he never left my side. And these were parties and things where he knew everyone as well. At one point my friend was upset so I went into a bedroom with her and another friend to talk to her and within five minutes he came into the room and even though this was obviously private he just stood in there. And I did tell him multiple times that we didn't constantly have to be beside each other. If you and your partner like to hang out at parties that's fine but it was suffocating to me. He was jealous of my friends and complained when I would make plans with them. Honestly we were young and he's probably a totally fine dude now. We were just not right together.
#21
That mental/emotional abuse and not doing things together was normal...if that makes sense.
We met online and our first date was okay...but that was the last time we ever really went out in public. He was older than me so after work he would come to my college dorm. He forced me to have sex, and would get angry with me if I didn't....mock sadness and disappointment in me. I didn't want to but I thought I loved him and I thought he knew best.
He would avoid me for months at a time, just saying he was busy (usually during the summer. He was a teacher), and then try to convince me everything was okay come September.
He got engaged to another woman while still trying to convince me we were a happy couple. They got married two months ago.
Yes, I should have registered the signs, but he was my first relationship ever and I just wanted to believe it was all normal and okay. :(
On a much happier, lighter note, I am currently engaged to the actual man of my dreams, and he treats me like a princess :)
#22
Not every guy wants to throw on Motown and slow dance with you. Some of them don't even care to touch you.
I miss the slow dances.
#23
Putting his wants over my needs.
Putting his comfort above mine.
His comfort over my safety.
They shouldn't try to make you jealous. And definitely shouldn't get mad if it doesn't work.
They also shouldn't make you feel like one day their fist will find your face instead of a wall. Anger issues should not be normal. And one day I realized that if/when it happened, I could forgive him. I wish I had told someone that so they could have told me I should never even consider that possibility.
I also thought that violently swinging from rage to sappy romantic in less than a second was sweet, since it meant he was sorry for whatever he did or said.
#24
My ex put her happines on me making it my responisbilty. Would demand I stay around and cut my work hours back and then be upset when we wouldnt have money to go out. Every time I would try and leave I was coerced with sex to stay, because I was young and stupid. After 8 years I had enough I moved 5 states away. Had a chain of bad relatsionships that ended, took some time to work on myself and im now engaged to an amazing woman I can communicate with share feelings about issues and who values a healthy relationship.
Alana Voeks 2 years ago
My happiness is no one's responsibility, ever...but man would it be nice to be someone's interest from time to time...
#25
Her father hating me. I just thought this was normal, but in the subsequent 3 relationships (last one turning into a marriage and family) the parents were kind and I couldn't believe that is possible.
lauralett50 2 years ago
Some dad's do that if they believe you are not good enough for his "princess" . It's him not you.
#26
just like a lot of toxic behaviour. It wasnt a healthy relationship and I found myself looking after the other person and organizing my life around their needs. 4 years later and im still learning what a healthy relationship looks like and what its like when someone is looking after my needs.
#27
Wait, not everyone wants commitment? I always looked to the future. It was nice that the guys I dated in between my long relationships were kind enough to break it off when they realized what I was really after though.
Alana Voeks 2 years ago
At this point, I'll be happy to find someone patient who just doesn't mind my company.
#28
Not me but the girl I'm currently dating said that her first long-term boyfriend would stare at himself in the bathroom for an hour or so before going to bed each night.
#29
That some girls, in a relationship, don't like to kiss as often as others. I'm just talking about pecks when I/gf gets home etc. I always enjoyed a hello kiss but I guess some girls don't?
#30
It was very minor all things considered. I got used to never being complimented, just criticized. I take that back, he did compliment me, once. He told me that in Saudi (his parents worked for an oil company and had moved there) I'd be worth many camels because I was "buxsom, had child bearing hips, and reddish hair". Yeah, he actually said buxsom. I've been married 22 years, and he was several years before that, and I still don't do well with compliments.
foofoofloofy 2 years ago
Tbh, if you're only going to give your partner one compliment in your entire relationship, telling them that they're worth many camels is the way to go.
#31
I never necessarily thought it was "normal" since I reject that loose characterization, but my girlfriend used to beg me to sniff my farts. It wasn't in a kinky way or anything, that would be disturbing. But from time to time, she'd ask me if I needed to let one rip, and I'd be like "no...(is this girl okay)?" and she'd kind of just not give me a response and pretend like nothing happened. Then 15 minutes later, she'd ask again, and I'd be like "actually yeah, kind of, why?" And then she'd ask me to take off my pants and spread my legs, after which she'd nestle the tip of her nose in that dark crevasse, clear her throat, slap my a*s and say "okay, go" with an elegance fit for ballerinas, not for fart-sniffers.
What do you think ?
Rens 2 years ago
I fled my abusive ex 4 years ago; I have been in my new relationship for almost 3 years. I still apologise if I make a noise doing something or dropping something; I still feel very grateful that he doesn't throw the plate at me if he finds an accidental hair in his food; I still marvel that he doesn't punch or hit me if I accidentally snag and pull a hair when I'm giving him a haircut; he never tells me I talk too much, or tells me he's not interested in my opinion.... He always thanks me for every single cup of tea, every single meal, every load of laundry, every bit of cleaning. I'm not used to being appreciated and valued and even now, just writing this post brings me to tears. I love this man so much.
Electra Smith 2 years ago
So glad that you are with someone who treats you right and makes you happy. Good job being strong and doing the right thing after so much wrong was done to you.
Load More Replies... Alana Voeks 2 years ago
I left my most recent ex 4 years ago and I do not miss it. I used to be clingy and wanting a relationship desperately...but that was until I really looked at myself. I don't like physical touch, I don't like compliments, I like to be alone...the idea of sex still makes my anxiety drive up the wall. Like...nothing about me says "relationship material," so I'm pretty sure it was all media and society telling me that I'm nothing without someone else, and it is definitely my family just making it clear nearly every day that I'm nothing. Sooooo...yeah I don't want anything besides a nice job that won't set off my PTSD, a little place to call my own, and to be left tf alone.
memyselfandI 2 years ago
Try getting a cat. (If you can.) Good for non-clingy companionship, and any guy you meet who doesn’t like cats is already a red flag. Perfect jerk detector!
Load More Replies...
BeepBeepBoopBoop 2 years ago
most of this is me with my current boyfriend. I don't really wanna talk to him, especially not about personal stuff. I know I should break up with him but he always talks about how sad and depressed he would be if we broke up, along with "I would never break up with you over that". It makes me feel trapped sometimes. He's clingy to the point of he freaks out and texts my mom if I don't answer him within the hour. He never leaves my side at anything social, and freaks out if I do. He doesn't have many friends, but is friends with all my friends. He always thinks I'm mad at him. It's tiring. I'm his first girlfriend, so it's even harder. Some advice would be helpful ngl, but you don't have to, sorry. Thanks for reading this lol
Zedrapazia 2 years ago
You REALLY need to talk to him, even if it's uncomfortable and you don't like doing it very much. That's the only way to get out of this trap, and even if it ends with you leaving him, he'll have learned a lessions about how his own behavior affects his relationship to others. Does he have any past traumas himself that he reacts like that himself? Would be important to know and talk about.
Load More Replies...
Hey! 2 years ago
I was completely abused in my first marriage but I thought it was normal since my parents and siblings were treating me the same way. I finally got out and someone found me and we've been together over 30 years now. Just happens that we were both abused so we were extra careful, especially at the beginning, not to repeat anything that we went through. Both of us is put on a pedestal by the other and that feels great.
madamjoiedumort 2 years ago
I married the wrong man before I realized it's not normal to sleep with your cell phone under the covers next to you so he doesn't snoop. It's also not normal to never apologize for starting a fight then not apologizing or actually trying to fix a problem. Our marriage is broken because he's not interested in solutions.
Dodomaster Lord of chickens 2 years ago
Is it normal for your girlfriend to straight up refuse to tell you why they're having a breakdown? Or super clingy yet refusing to kiss you? I really need some help from those more experienced
Lessa Herbig 1 year ago
It is definitely not healthy to treat people that way. Nor is it healthy to allow yourself to be treated that way. Communication is KEY to any healthy relationship.
Load More Replies...
Candice Cook 1 year ago
I learned that it's not okay for any conversation about something you'd like to see change or how you're making me feel by doing xyz or anything related to emotions was fodder for an argument. I have needs and they are valid. It is in no way a criticism against you, it is just a fact that is true for me and if you don't care or can't be bothered to meet those needs then we need to go our separate ways.
steampunk dandelion 1 year ago
my first relationship was anything but normal, which honestly led me to believing anything could be normal for us. I was a stupid 14 year old and so was he, only a few months younger than me, and we were incredibly long distance (think 6 hour time gap) I was blindly devoted to someone I didn't even know the last name of, someone that only sent me 3 (heavily filtered) pictures of himself throughout our entire relationship. I thought it was all normal. over time as we got older (17/18 years old)bhe began to emotionally manipulate me, making me promise I'd be with him forever, telling me I was too good for him, that I was an angel on earth. I blindly loved him, ignoring all the red flags that popped up. he became an alcoholic to cope with his shyness, he started smoking after his friends pressured him into it. I thought it was normal that my partner would never listen to me and my fears. even after we broke up, he'd still emotionally manipulate anything he wanted out of me, including...
steampunk dandelion 1 year ago
...nude photos on my 18th birthday since I was "legal." it was nearly 5 am and in my sleep deprived state, I obliged. towards the end of my time knowing him, he threatened several times to take his own life and I would have to talk him out of it each and every time, spending hours crying in a purely stressed out state. it actually caused flare ups of bad pain due to my disability and I lost the ability to menstruate for 6 months. one day, he just ghosted me and I never heard from him again, although a mutual friend confirmed that he hadn't taken his own life. these days, things have gotten better, and I'm with someone that loves and cares about me, flaws and all. someone that doesn't ramble about attack helicopters the moment I mention I'm nonbinary. someone that doesn't fetishize my bisexuality. this person even got to see me at my worst, spending all my energy caring for someone that never did the same for me
Load More Replies...
Scarlett 2 years ago
When your parents have a toxic relationship and your dad is abusive and now you only know how to be defensive, combative, never opening up, constantly expecting to be yelled at, and a general piece of a s**t human. At this rate, I’m telling the .001% of people who might be interested in me to run.
Rens 2 years ago
I fled my abusive ex 4 years ago; I have been in my new relationship for almost 3 years. I still apologise if I make a noise doing something or dropping something; I still feel very grateful that he doesn't throw the plate at me if he finds an accidental hair in his food; I still marvel that he doesn't punch or hit me if I accidentally snag and pull a hair when I'm giving him a haircut; he never tells me I talk too much, or tells me he's not interested in my opinion.... He always thanks me for every single cup of tea, every single meal, every load of laundry, every bit of cleaning. I'm not used to being appreciated and valued and even now, just writing this post brings me to tears. I love this man so much.
Electra Smith 2 years ago
So glad that you are with someone who treats you right and makes you happy. Good job being strong and doing the right thing after so much wrong was done to you.
Load More Replies... Alana Voeks 2 years ago
I left my most recent ex 4 years ago and I do not miss it. I used to be clingy and wanting a relationship desperately...but that was until I really looked at myself. I don't like physical touch, I don't like compliments, I like to be alone...the idea of sex still makes my anxiety drive up the wall. Like...nothing about me says "relationship material," so I'm pretty sure it was all media and society telling me that I'm nothing without someone else, and it is definitely my family just making it clear nearly every day that I'm nothing. Sooooo...yeah I don't want anything besides a nice job that won't set off my PTSD, a little place to call my own, and to be left tf alone.
memyselfandI 2 years ago
Try getting a cat. (If you can.) Good for non-clingy companionship, and any guy you meet who doesn’t like cats is already a red flag. Perfect jerk detector!
Load More Replies... BeepBeepBoopBoop 2 years ago
most of this is me with my current boyfriend. I don't really wanna talk to him, especially not about personal stuff. I know I should break up with him but he always talks about how sad and depressed he would be if we broke up, along with "I would never break up with you over that". It makes me feel trapped sometimes. He's clingy to the point of he freaks out and texts my mom if I don't answer him within the hour. He never leaves my side at anything social, and freaks out if I do. He doesn't have many friends, but is friends with all my friends. He always thinks I'm mad at him. It's tiring. I'm his first girlfriend, so it's even harder. Some advice would be helpful ngl, but you don't have to, sorry. Thanks for reading this lol
Zedrapazia 2 years ago
You REALLY need to talk to him, even if it's uncomfortable and you don't like doing it very much. That's the only way to get out of this trap, and even if it ends with you leaving him, he'll have learned a lessions about how his own behavior affects his relationship to others. Does he have any past traumas himself that he reacts like that himself? Would be important to know and talk about.
Load More Replies... Hey! 2 years ago
I was completely abused in my first marriage but I thought it was normal since my parents and siblings were treating me the same way. I finally got out and someone found me and we've been together over 30 years now. Just happens that we were both abused so we were extra careful, especially at the beginning, not to repeat anything that we went through. Both of us is put on a pedestal by the other and that feels great.
madamjoiedumort 2 years ago
I married the wrong man before I realized it's not normal to sleep with your cell phone under the covers next to you so he doesn't snoop. It's also not normal to never apologize for starting a fight then not apologizing or actually trying to fix a problem. Our marriage is broken because he's not interested in solutions.
Dodomaster Lord of chickens 2 years ago
Is it normal for your girlfriend to straight up refuse to tell you why they're having a breakdown? Or super clingy yet refusing to kiss you? I really need some help from those more experienced
Lessa Herbig 1 year ago
It is definitely not healthy to treat people that way. Nor is it healthy to allow yourself to be treated that way. Communication is KEY to any healthy relationship.
Load More Replies... Candice Cook 1 year ago
I learned that it's not okay for any conversation about something you'd like to see change or how you're making me feel by doing xyz or anything related to emotions was fodder for an argument. I have needs and they are valid. It is in no way a criticism against you, it is just a fact that is true for me and if you don't care or can't be bothered to meet those needs then we need to go our separate ways.
steampunk dandelion 1 year ago
my first relationship was anything but normal, which honestly led me to believing anything could be normal for us. I was a stupid 14 year old and so was he, only a few months younger than me, and we were incredibly long distance (think 6 hour time gap) I was blindly devoted to someone I didn't even know the last name of, someone that only sent me 3 (heavily filtered) pictures of himself throughout our entire relationship. I thought it was all normal. over time as we got older (17/18 years old)bhe began to emotionally manipulate me, making me promise I'd be with him forever, telling me I was too good for him, that I was an angel on earth. I blindly loved him, ignoring all the red flags that popped up. he became an alcoholic to cope with his shyness, he started smoking after his friends pressured him into it. I thought it was normal that my partner would never listen to me and my fears. even after we broke up, he'd still emotionally manipulate anything he wanted out of me, including...
steampunk dandelion 1 year ago
...nude photos on my 18th birthday since I was "legal." it was nearly 5 am and in my sleep deprived state, I obliged. towards the end of my time knowing him, he threatened several times to take his own life and I would have to talk him out of it each and every time, spending hours crying in a purely stressed out state. it actually caused flare ups of bad pain due to my disability and I lost the ability to menstruate for 6 months. one day, he just ghosted me and I never heard from him again, although a mutual friend confirmed that he hadn't taken his own life. these days, things have gotten better, and I'm with someone that loves and cares about me, flaws and all. someone that doesn't ramble about attack helicopters the moment I mention I'm nonbinary. someone that doesn't fetishize my bisexuality. this person even got to see me at my worst, spending all my energy caring for someone that never did the same for me
Load More Replies... Scarlett 2 years ago
When your parents have a toxic relationship and your dad is abusive and now you only know how to be defensive, combative, never opening up, constantly expecting to be yelled at, and a general piece of a s**t human. At this rate, I’m telling the .001% of people who might be interested in me to run.
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