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40 Things Said On A First Date That Absolutely Ruined All Chances For A Second
Interview With Expert
It takes a while to truly get to know someone. After all, gaining an accurate understanding of a person's values, dreams, and quirks usually requires more than one conversation. Usually, but not always. Sometimes, people have such incompatible traits or beliefs that we sense it right away.
So when Reddit user Velcroshell asked everyone on the platform to share the things they'd heard on a first date that prevented a second one, the responses started pouring in. Continue scrolling to check out the submissions, and don't miss the chat we had with therapist Jourdan Travers. You'll find it in between the stories.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
We went to a club where there were lots of dancing. There was a woman there who was clearly trashed and blacked out on the dance floor. I don't know how she was still standing upright as she looked like she shouldn't be. I said to my date (I was 30, F) that I wanted to find her friends and make sure she got home safe and that that made me sad and worried for her. And my date said, "Well most girls have fantasies about being r*ped, so she probably would like it."
Needless to say, I rejected his offer to stay over that night, and braved the NYC subway at 2am instead. There was no second date.
To gain a better understanding of the dos and don'ts on a first date, we got in touch with Jourdan Travers, LCSW, a licensed clinical therapist and clinical director of Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching to individuals, couples, families, and organizations in over 40 countries worldwide.
According to her, if you want to know if things are going well, ask yourself if your date is genuinely interested in learning more about you and if they ask questions and answer the questions you ask them.
"First dates are meant for getting to know a person and seeing if there's a connection or the potential for one," Travers told Bored Panda. "Do you share similar interests, hobbies, or a sense of humor? It's an opportunity to keep things casual, without the pressure of a fancy dinner or adventure followed by an expectation of intimacy."
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#2
For context, I have cerebral palsy. I am well-adjusted so it's not always obvious but I needed tons of OT and PT growing up, and I currently have a hard time with balance, spatial perception, and muscle control.
I landed a date with this very hot girl; ticked off all the boxes I liked and she was very sweet to boot. By all accounts the date was going perfectly. We were both having a great time, we held hands briefly, and the time seemed to fly by.
Towards the end though we decided to take a subway to a bar I really liked across town and she saw a sign that stated seated passengers would need to surrender their seats to elders and/or disabled people who need them. She blatantly said that she hates disabled people getting accommodations, said disabled people are drains on society, and expressed her view that if someone is disabled enough to need a special parking spot or a seat then they should commit themselves to "homes". Her tone did a 180 and I couldn't believe it, she became like a different person for a minute.
I finished the date but in my head I realized that no amount of external sexiness could make up for internal nastiness. An hour-ish after I got home she texted me saying she had a wonderful time and asked me on a second date, and I apologized and said no, not interested. She asked why and I told her that I was in fact a disabled person and was hurt by her comments on the subway, and she never responded. One of my friends was annoyed that I turned down such a hot girl, until I explained all of what happened. That was that.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 4 months ago (edited)
What an absolutely repulsive human being that girl is. Disabled people are people. They are not “drains on society”; they are just as human as the able-bodied. It is true that some disabled people are unable to work, and some need specialized care, and some need accommodations, but they absolutely DO contribute to society. And they DESERVE to get the accommodations, care, and help that they need. My dad became fully disabled after an accident in 2000 - apparently, according to this girl, I should have tossed him into a Dumpster instead of spending the next 21 years caring for him and then holding his hand as he died.
#3
He told me he didn’t feel comfortable that I was pursuing a doctorate because he didn’t like women who thought they were smarter than he was.
Quantifiable data supports these sentiments. Last year, social and behavioral health psychologist James Moran examined dating behaviors using the Netflix show "Dating Around" as a basis for his analysis.
Together with his team, Moran conducted two studies. One looked at the actions used on a first date and the other determined how effective they were. For the first study, participants were asked to list behaviors they believed would lead to successful first dates. The second involved coding the dating behaviors from the Netflix show "Dating Around" to rank their power in landing a second date.
#4
"I'm posting everything we say on Instagram. And I'm getting suggestions on what to ask you from my followers".
Went "to the toilet" and left.
#5
”Poor people shouldn’t get any help. They should just stop being poor.”
I can’t believe I went on a date with an actual Meme.
The results of Moran's work also revealed that:
- Men reported that deep conversation was the primary technique they would use, while women focused mostly on telling jokes and being funny. Other popular behaviors were complimenting, listening, and trying to be kind.
- Women were also the ones who said that they would consider kissing on a first date and that getting too drunk during a first date is a bad idea.
- Women thought that men would be more successful on the first date if they followed traditional etiquette norms, such as being attentive, polite, and kind.
- Men claimed that women who engaged in "involvement" behaviors, such as flirting, holding hands, complimenting, and drinking alcohol, would generally do better on a first date.
#6
"Are you sure you want to eat that?"
I wanted some fried banana peppers in addition to my small salad.
I was also 118lb and exercised regularly.
Good thing that dude was a jerk because I was on the fence about canceling my drinks date with another guy if this one went well. Luckily Mr. Judgy McJudgerson was not it, and the man I may have canceled became my husband. Thank you, Bachelor Number One, for being an a*s.
#7
Bro yelled at our uber driver for being a couple minutes late. I was mortified to be on a date with someone who treats service workers like s**t.
Joseph Dixon 4 months ago
He should have driven himself if he were so horribly inconvenienced.
#8
She said something to the effect of, "I have two kids. Don't waste my time unless you plan to be a father to them." I'm ok with kids but not with that approach.
However, "it's best to avoid deeply personal topics when going on a first date," added Travers, who also contributes to the website Therapy Tips, a news and publishing division of Awake Therapy.
"The purpose of a first date is to get to know the other person and see if there's potential for a connection. While discussions about money, sex, religion, and politics are important, they're not necessary during the initial meeting." You can delve into these subjects later, after the two of you have already established some rapport.
#9
"You're not Black enough for me."
When my date told me this, I excused myself to the bathroom and dipped out the side door of the restaurant, leaving her with the check.
#10
As I exited my car in the parking lot to meet up for dinner:
“OMG! YOU LIED!!! YOU SAID YOU WERE 5’8”!!!! YOU ARE AT LEAST 5’10” IN HEELS! DO YOU NOT SEE HOW EMBARRASSING THIS IS FOR ME?????”
I immediately got back in my car and drove away…
We hadn’t even greeted each other yet. He just angrily screamed this at me from 20 feet away… He is 5’10”. I had no problem with him being 5’10”, but apparently he does? It was a weird interaction.
#12
Within seconds of my arrival, he mentioned that he needed the Medical Examiner to hurry up and release his wife's death certificate, because he needed the insurance money for a business he was starting. She "drowned in the bathtub while drunk."
His first wife allegedly died in an accidental fall.
The major airline he flies for has a serial k*ller in its ranks.
#13
We walked into a bar and most of the people there were Black. No big deal, I live in a southern city that’s mostly Black, segregation might exist here, but you’ve got to work for it.
She had just moved to my city, so wasn’t accustomed to this I guess, she took one look around and said “do you want to go somewhere where there’s more people like us?” I thought she meant lesbians, so I said sure, and suggested a bar a lot of lesbians go to.
We get to the bar, lo and behold it’s roughly 50/50 split between Black and white folk. She said “there’s still so many of them”. I *finally* asked what she meant.
Bold as day she said “Black people. There’s so many Black people”. Date over.
#14
"I have to live with my Mom because all three of my baby mama's insist that I pay child support".
NopeNopeNopeNopeNope!
ETA: I think I need to add that, he wasn't mentioning it, he was COMPLAINING about it. Like "if these women didn't insist on child support, I would be able to move out" and "I have to put dinner on my credit card because I'm always broke because I have to pay child support"...I paid for my own meal, BTW. Which I don't mind doing, I always insist on the first date so they don't think I "owe" them something in return, but he had to out his $12 Denny's meal (yes, he insisted on Denny's) on a credit card.
#15
"I expect my women to be shaved from below the eyebrows".
StrangeOne 4 months ago
"MY women"?! Just the possessive, objectifying language is a red flag, alone. But that would look very odd. Would that mean he expects women to have them have friar tuck style hair, too?
#16
I had a dude do nothing but monologue about his ex the entire date. He kept repeating the same “but I’m totally over her” line. It got so bad he even started showing me pictures and her social media (showing me that she was dating someone new now)
I kinda just realized this dude needed someone to talk to in that moment and I really had nothing better going on so f**k it, speak your truth man.
The date was 2.5h long.
Anagram margana 4 months ago
Oh, this is just sad. Hope he realizes he needs some professional help.
#17
He was going on about a boys trip he took with his old college buddies, and I started tuning out. Then he said **"and my friend, Rob, was like 'wait until these b***hes figure out we're not choking them because they like it!' hahaha!"**
It took me way too long to fully comprehend what he was saying. Like dude, you're telling me you hate women (or your friend does, and it amuses you) on our first date. Are you aware I am in possession of a v*gina? That was the end of that.
#18
She called her ex boyfriend "cheap" because he would only take her out to eat 2-3 times per week and cooked the other days.
#19
Had a date with a guy who interrupted me several times and then told me "I just really love interrupting you because you make this word face when I do." I ended the date about 5 minutes later.
Edit: I did mean "weird" not word 😅.
#20
We had a great time at bar 1 and proceeded to bar 2. Immediately arriving at bar 2 music was playing and people were dancing. She started making fun of a woman just dancing enjoying herself. She even got other peoples attention around us and pointed at the dancing lady. I skipped out when she wasn’t looking.
Regina Holt 4 months ago
Heck, I would have just gone up and started dancing with the woman who was enjoying dancing. Leave that date in the dust.
#21
The date went really well. I was only looking for something casual and so was he. The chemistry and connection were good. The kiss goodbye was meh. The last thing he said on top of that sealed it for me: “great, it’ll be a few weeks but I’m sure I’ll be able to fit you in my rotation.”
I don’t expect to be the only one you see, but if your rotation is so big that it’ll be weeks before I’m *blessed* with an opening- I have a feeling that my enjoyment is not going to be the focus, and that’s a hard pass.
#22
She went on an anti-immigrant rant in a crowded donut shop. She had her back to everyone, so she couldn’t see that people were looking at her. But I was facing them and saw everyone’s stares. Fun times.
#23
Went on a date with a guy once who had to share multiple times on the date about something Andrew Tate said about women and dating.
It’s like we couldn’t have a conversation about modern day dating without him quoting what this guy said about it.
1) Andrew Tate is terrible.
And 2) please formulate your own opinions rather than just adopting them all from someone else. I’m on a date with you, not Andrew Tate.
#24
I went on a date with a guy and brought him to an Italian resturaunt I really liked. It was a family owned operation and while not the most presentable, the food was amazing. Upon sitting down he remarks "Pfff, salt and pepper in shakers, ha, where are we, Waffle House?" basically insinuating that this place was trash based on this.
I know its a tiny thing but I just couldn't shake it that he would make such a comment after I said how much I liked the place.
StumblingThroughLife 4 months ago
Should have responded with: "No one's stopping you from leaving..."
#25
25M
Girl (26F) I went on a date with: "I work two days a week and it's soooooo draining (normal 8 hour days mind you). I just work to pay the minimum on my debt. I live with my parents otherwise, but they want me to find someone so I can move out."
She had zero ambition to do anything besides get a boyfriend to take care of her.
StumblingThroughLife 4 months ago
At least a lot of these red flaggers show their true colours on (mostly) the first date.
#26
Not the first date but the first time we had sex- I forgot I left my NuvaRing in so it hurt when he tried to penetrate me. I couldn’t understand why it was sore and was actually really worried, but he looked unbelievably smug and proud that his d**k had hurt me (maybe cause it was validating as to his size) and said “don’t worry, you’ll learn to get better at taking it”.
(My ability to take it is fine, for the record).
LakotaWolf (she/her) 4 months ago
I used the NuvaRing as birth control for years. It is not normal to have pain upon penetration with the NuvaRing. It’s possible OP didn’t have it inserted properly or that they have a condition that causes pain during penetration. NOT excusing the guy’s comments or actions in the slightest - just stating it isn’t “normal” for penetrative sex to hurt while using the NuvaRing. And since it’s a continuous-release hormonal form of BC, it’s not really recommended to remove it except for very short periods of time (it is designed to stay inside of you for 3 to 4 weeks.) It’s also translucent and VERY easy to lose :p I didn’t remove mine, but it, uh… let’s just say an internal form of the game “ring-toss” happened and the NuvaRing got stuck on the, ahem, “peg” and flew across the room when said ring-toss peg was withdrawn from the playing field. It was VERY difficult to find on light gray carpeting XD
#27
"I don't want to be in a relationship with a cripple".
I wear an ankle support which you would never know unless I showed you. I don't wear shorts as I'm a bit insecure about it. The only reason she found out was I loosened it off while we were sitting at the table as having it tightened up for long periods of time makes my ankle ache.
#28
I told him I don't drink due to substance abuse issues in the past; he suggested we go back to his place and do shots.
#29
"I was a suspect in the m*rder of my third wife. They never caught her m*rderer."
It was then that I realized he had positioned himself so that the exit was behind him, and the bathroom was behind me. I.e. I could not excuse myself to the bathroom and then make a run for it. I sat through the rest of the date and made sure I got safely home, then ghosted him. Only time I've ever ghosted anyone.
#30
I asked what her hobbies were or what she liked to do for fun and she said "netflix and talking to boys". I was like, "oh i like netflix too.. what shows". She responded with, "i just like having something on and sitting there. I dont really have favorite shows, I dont like doing anything that makes me sweat, and I dont like 'hobbies'".
BYEEEEEEEEEEE. I noped out of that date in like 25 minutes. You like nothing? Not only am I the complete opposite of that but she admitted to not liking "liking" something to do. F**k outa here.
#31
Went out with a women who talked about herself the entire time. Like not a single question about me. I'm a decent conversationalist and want to get to know someone so I'll ask questions but apart from that I didn't really talk. The only person that seemed to ask me any questions was the server.
General Anaesthesia 4 months ago
So, that's enough talk about me, let's talk about you. What do you like the most about me?
#32
This is me telling on myself. I don't date much, but my first time meeting a girl we were hitting a lull in the conversation. For some reason I tried to fill the lull with a discussion about what she wanted her wedding to be like. Maybe a little too soon for that discussion.
#33
2 fun stories.
The first, I was talking about my experience going to Chicago; I said it was a cool place, but too easy to end up lost somewhere. The guy immediately said "Yeah there's too many black people there".
Then a different guy told me in the middle of the date, "you're overweight and you have bad posture, you should go back to the gym".
I said nope to both, although the first one still tried for a while to get me to go back out with him until I blocked his number.
Regina Holt 4 months ago
Don't racists know that there are plenty of people who are not racist, and thus would be turned down for another date?
#34
He came 2 hours late (without any message in between). When he arrived he said "I"m late but that doesn't matter because I'm here now.".
#35
He was a lech the entire date. At the end he told me he'd pray for me. The next day I got a 4-page letter requesting I excuse his behavior, but after all, I'd encouraged it.
#36
I had a bumble date a few years ago, and within literally 2 mins of meeting her, she started b*tching about her ex, referring to him as "c*nt-bucket".
Instant red flag. Leave the ex talk until at least date 3. I didn't wanna risk becoming a future C*ntBucket!
#37
Within the first few minutes "I've been going to AA meetings and have been able to limit myself to only six beers a night".
#38
“Your a*s is nice, can I see it?”.
Did I say that out loud? (he/him)cis/het 4 months ago
You can take a good look as I walk away.
#39
I was on a date with a girl and she said she hated Nickelback. I didn't even wait to finish my fries or McNuggets. I just got up and called my mom to come get me.
#40
"I still live with my ex" ......... I'm out.
What do you think ?
BookFanatic 4 months ago
First date was going very well. He showed me a picture of his dog and I cooed over it and said what a sweet puppy-dog. Showed him a picture of my two cats and he said "I don't like cats, they can burn in Hell as far as I'm concerned." This date is over, as far as I'm concerned.
Jess Smith 4 months ago
But...that's...like...IS HE TRYING TO BE A CARTOON SUPERVILLAIN OR SOMETHING?
Load More Replies... Myoviridae 4 months ago
I actually appreciate when people show me they are a horrible person up front. Saves so much time and emotional investment.
Traveling Lady Railfan 4 months ago
"When somebody shows you who they really are, believe them"... This saying I've heard before, but finally learned how to recognize and apply to real life. That and "you should give people a second chance, but never give them a third"
Load More Replies...
Roberta Surprenant 4 months ago
With 22 years of marriage (and counting), glad I'm out of the dating scene!.
BookFanatic 4 months ago
First date was going very well. He showed me a picture of his dog and I cooed over it and said what a sweet puppy-dog. Showed him a picture of my two cats and he said "I don't like cats, they can burn in Hell as far as I'm concerned." This date is over, as far as I'm concerned.
Jess Smith 4 months ago
But...that's...like...IS HE TRYING TO BE A CARTOON SUPERVILLAIN OR SOMETHING?
Load More Replies... Myoviridae 4 months ago
I actually appreciate when people show me they are a horrible person up front. Saves so much time and emotional investment.
Traveling Lady Railfan 4 months ago
"When somebody shows you who they really are, believe them"... This saying I've heard before, but finally learned how to recognize and apply to real life. That and "you should give people a second chance, but never give them a third"
Load More Replies... Roberta Surprenant 4 months ago
With 22 years of marriage (and counting), glad I'm out of the dating scene!.
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