Jealousy and insecurity are some of the most unattractive traits in a person. It boggles our minds that there are still people living in the 21st century who judge their significant others for having dated other people before meeting them.

Redditor u/CatOwnerVictim vented to the r/offmychest online community about how her fiancé didn’t want her to wear a white dress to their wedding because she wasn’t a virgin. Read on for the full story, how the internet reacted, and a surprise update.

Bored Panda reached out to u/CatOwnerVictim via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.

If your partner feels insecure that you’ve dated someone before them, this can put your entire future together in jeopardy

Image credits: Johnstocker (not the actual photo)

A woman shared how her fiancé had a problem with her wearing a white dress to their wedding

Image credits: nebojsa_ki (not the actual photo)

The couple had a massive argument in front of the guy’s mom

Image credits: CatOwnerVictim

Image credits: Đình Luật (not the actual photo)

The story ended with a surprise twist

The redditor told r/offmychest that she was reconsidering marrying ‘Ryan,’ who she’d been together with for 6 years, because of how insecure he was about her dating past. She had one serious boyfriend before him, but he was unable to get over the fact. So much so that he demanded she wears red, not white, to their wedding because she wasn’t a virgin anymore.

The silver lining was that the guy’s mom was completely on redditor u/CatOwnerVictim’s side. “Ryan, his mom and I stood in our living room and argued about my sex life being shown in a dress. His mom stated that he is no longer a virgin either so maybe he should wear red too and he burst out crying,” the OP wrote how his mom stood in solidarity with her.

Many internet users who read the story were bewildered by the guy’s bizarre behavior. They advised the woman to leave him (aka “throw the whole man away”). And that’s exactly what she did! In a short separate post on r/dating_advice, she shared how she had broken off her engagement and would be going on her first date in “many many years.”

She had moved on from ‘Ryan,’ something that many redditors were happy she had the courage to do. Nobody should be forced to stay in a relationship overflowing with jealousy and insecurity.

Image credits: Vivek Dabi (not the actual photo)

Retrospective jealousy can completely wreck your relationship

The best way to misery and unhappiness is to constantly keep comparing yourself to others. Or, in this case, ‘Ryan’ somehow decided that the fact that he wasn’t the first person his ex-fiancée dated was somehow more important than having a loving relationship with her. So-called retrospective jealousy is actually a common issue for couples.

It’s what happens when one or both partners feel jealous about the other’s past. They feel like something that happened years ago might threaten their current relationship, so they keep dwelling on this fact, instead of embracing it and letting it go.

Some examples of retrospective jealousy include wondering if your significant other’s previous partners were better lovers, whether they want to go back to them, and whether they still fondly remember their time together. Instead of focusing on the present and how great the relationship might be going, you keep ruminating about the past which you literally can’t control. You’re getting worked up and endangering your future together over memories. Fortunately, there are ways to get around this common mind trap. But they require some messy introspection and work with your emotions—something that not every individual is willing to do.

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Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko (not the actual photo)

Try not to turn your relationship into a ‘trial.’ Instead, focus on the present

Robert L. Leahy, Ph.D., writes on Psychology Today that the first thing you can do is normalize your feelings. “This kind of jealousy is normal and simply reflects the primitive human desire to be the only one—ever. In fact, in some cultures there remains an insistence on ‘virginity’ for new partners, although it is often not possible, practical, or desirable. Any competition is viewed as a current threat. So don’t think that you are crazy because you have these feelings.”

Next, accept these feelings for what they are. Be compassionate toward yourself. At the same time, don’t turn your relationship into a trial: throwing accusations and interrogating your partner will only hurt your relationship. Also, keep in mind that past relationships ended for a reason. “You don’t need to resurrect the past to get on with your life,” Leahy explains.

What’s more, you should give up on the illusion that you can ‘control’ how your partner thinks and feels. This is what’s called romantic perfectionism, and it’s completely unrealistic. It only adds tension to the relationship. Instead, focus on making the present better and the fact that not everything will be as ‘ideal’ as you imagine it ‘should’ be—you might need to develop a more grounded approach to what life, dating, and relationships are actually like. The first step would be to not tell your partner to wear a red dress to your wedding.

Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)

Some internet users gave the woman some spot-on advice

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