Sure, maybe that stepdad really did love those kids. Seems he was fair as far as treatment regarding his biological kids anyway....but that is totally irrelevant. Those kids did not love their stepfather, that's a plain and simple fact. I don't see what could be gained from them pretending to cry about it. They seem like good kids that tried to support their mom. Mom should be comforting the stepdad's bio kids who are likely much younger than OPs kids rather than trying to force the older kids to pretend to be sad.

What's wrong with laughter? On the day we spread my grandfathers ashes I was a mess, despite everything we had done before that moment, it felt final. Then my sister put her foot through a rotten piece of wood on the dock of the lake we were at, and lost her shoe. And all I could do was laugh. She laughed, and so did everyone else, because my grandfather never liked it when people were sad, he wanted them to be happy. My point is, I loved my grandfather very much, but these kids did not love their step-dad. Kids have a very black and white view of the world, this was a ruler in theirs who did not allow them to be children and had expectations of them that they couldn't live up to, and by the sounds of it, may have punished them further for not loving him the way he wanted. You aren't the AH and your ex is just in denial, she saw the image in her head and decided it was reality. This may have been the first step into her seeing that her reality wasn't real.

If my husband (kids stepdad) died I would want my kidd next to me for support at the funeral. But it is up to them how and when of if they grieve.

If mom wanted real grieving she should have made sure the stepad was someone loveable to the kids while still alive.

Several things: 1. I've found that when people are grieving they can be very irrational, and things said in grief sometimes never go away. I've seen several cases of people who had an argument around the time a family member died, before the funeral, after the funeral, during the funeral, etc. etc. etc ... and a lot of times, those differences were NEVER resolved. People died without ever reconciling. 2. People grieve in their own way, and that includes laughing. 3. I get the impression this stepdad was VERY controlling, and it's possible that MAYBE the Mom, having been controlled by this person for 7 years, is still trying to please this person and live up to their expectations. The mental and emotional damage of being in a relationship with a very controlling person can be difficult to overcome. I have a relative who, decades later, still isn't the same, still kind of lives in a shell. To be honest, I feel sorry for everybody.

TBH your ex may just be grieving and encouraging grief the way she thinks people are “supposed” to grieve by Hollywood standards. There is, however, no “right” way to grieve. If his passing was sudden it can take a while to process and it means another big change for the kids. She shouldn’t try and force anything though which is what you’re saying so no. NTA

At my grandmother's funeral, I was inconsolable. However, my grandmother was an amazing woman and had essentially been one of my best friends. Whenever something crazy was going on in my life, I would tell her what happened and then when I was seventeen, she was gone. It will be twenty years this year and I still cry for her somedays. However, it seems like there was no love between the step children and step dad and to me that is a failure on the mom's part. She apparently didn't see how this man treated her children and now is expecting them to grieve for him. You can't force someone to grieve if they don't feel it. Laughing is something that you are supposed to do while grieving. You are not supposed to cry all day. Even when my grandmother died, we all still laughed while remembering the good times. These kids were not at the grave laughing, they were in a car parked away, therefore their laughter should not bother their mother.

That mom is never going to love those kids again. All she'll see when she looks at them is a brat who tells her she's glad her husband is dead, at said husband's funeral, before flouncing off. I fail to see how the kids were "supporting" her in a way she should be proud of. They did their level best to make this difficult, and dad had to drag them through most of it. They couldn't even read a twenty second generic poem or something? Or sit with their mom? Their mom could tell they were *gleeful* about her husband dying, *that's* why she was so focused on trying to get them to show otherwise: she was in denial that they were these people. JFC, seriously, they just set that relationship on fire, and their mom will never look at them the same.