"I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order. And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money."

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Apparently, there’s a beef shortage on the rise. The good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

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"I only have two new years resolutions.

One: To lose the weight I gained since the accident.

Two: Stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident.'"

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It’s kind of silly we’re trying to turn plants into burgers. Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

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Why is it called "Fast-food"?

Because you're supposed to eat it really fast. Otherwise, you might actually taste it.

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What do you call a vegan burger?

A misteak.

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Why don't Americans eat snails?

Because they like fast food.

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Why did the hipster burn his mouth on pizza?

He ate it before it was cool.

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"I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to 'McNugget' a chicken?"

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If Burger King married Dairy Queen where would they live?

At White Castle.

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What did Jeffery Dahmer say after eating at a fast food place?

"This does not taste like Five Guys."

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You’re interviewing for a fast food job and they ask about your short and long-term goals:

Short term: "I want to work at McDonald's."

Long term: I don’t want to work at McDonald's."

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How did Burger King propose to his girlfriend?

With an onion ring.

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Why do hamburgers go to the gym?

To get better buns.

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What kind of cake do you get at a fast food restaurant?

A stomach cake.

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What do you call a pig thief?

A hamburglar.

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How do you make a hamburger smile?

Pickle it gently!

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"I ate a burger in the church today. The priest then said, 'Holy cow.'"

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"Found human hair in my McDonald’s burger. I was so surprised. I didn’t know that they use natural ingredients."

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Would octopus make good fast food?

"You must be squidding!"

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"I have been reading so many bad things lately about how all the bad things sugar and junk food could do to me, so my New Year's resolution is no more reading."

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What are the best days of the week in FastFoodland?

Fry-day and Sundae!

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The first rule of Fast Food management:

"Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-through."

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Which fast food chain would be a good basketball player?

"Dunkin' Donuts."

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What did one angry pizza say to the other?

"You want a piece of me?"

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What type of burger isn't allowed on the Titanic?

An iceburger.

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What kind of security systems do fast food places have?

Burger Alarms.

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Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?

Because its finger licking good!

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What do you get when you cross a hamburger with a computer?

A Big Mac.

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"Every time I eat fast food I can talk to dead people. Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries."

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What did the pirate say when he dropped his fast food order?

"Arrr! Me harteys!!!"

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What was favorite Steve Jobs' fast food?

Big Mac.

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What do you call a Burger King on a deserted island?

"Lord of the fries."

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What did Little Caesars say to Wendy's?

"You'll always have a pizza my heart."

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How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five: One to screw in the light bulb, and four to protest in front of McDonald's.

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What did the hamburger say to the pickle?

"You're dill-icious!"

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Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can’t stand fast food.

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Why does McDonald’s always seem so fun?

"Time fries while you’re there."

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Why did the rooster cross the road?

He heard that the chickens at KFC were pretty hot.

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Did you hear about the time Billy Crystal took Meg Ryan to McDonald's?

It's "When Harry Fed Sally".

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What do you call a vampire who works the night shift at a fast food restaurant?

"Count Spatula!"

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Have you heard about the activist group that fights for ceramic containers in fast-food restaurants? They call themselves the "Bowl movement".

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What do you get when you mix breaking bad with fast food?

Walter Whitecastle, aka "Heisenburger."

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Why do Cannibals go to Germany when they want some fast food?

Because it's full of Frankfurters and Hamburgers.

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Did you hear about the hamburger who couldn't stop making jokes?

He was on a roll!

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Where do monkeys go to get their fast food?

"Burger Kong."

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What was "The Mountain’s" favorite fast-food restaurant?

"Popeyes."

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A guy goes to a fast food shop. He asks the worker for a burger without onions. The lady takes a couple of minutes inside the kitchen and comes back saying, "I'm sorry darling, but we've run out of onions, can I offer you a burger without tomatoes instead?"

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What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?

"McLady."

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What is a common question at lizards' fast food joints?

"Do you want flies with that?"

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Potato chips are like car company. They are very good at making airbags.

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What's the most important ingredient in a business burger?

The deal pickle!

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because KFC was on the other side.

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What is Peter Pan's favorite place to eat?

Wendy's.

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Why did the rooster cross the road to KFC?

To see a chicken strip.

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"Most people want a perfect relationship. I just want a hamburger that looks like the ones in commercials."

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What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast-food restaurant?

"Chick Fillet."

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How much is a lifetime supply of fast food?

Not much.

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"I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up Pizza and Coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy. She still regrets letting me name the kids."

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What does the sun get with it's sandwich?

Light mayo.

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What does Bruce Lee order at Burger King?

"WOPPAAAH!"

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Did you see the Will Smith movie about McDonald's?

It's called the "Pursuit of Happy Meals".

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"Your mamma is so old she knew Burger King when he was a prince."

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Where do burgers like to dance?

At a meat ball!

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Our local monastery has opened a fast food outlet. I went in and said to the guy, "Hi, are you the deep-fat fryer?" He said, "No, I'm the chip monk."

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The ancient Romans would be saddened to know how many of their advances we'd forgotten. Aquaducts, fast food, underfloor heating... But hey, it's all water over the bridge.

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What’s the most aggressive fast-food business right now?

Nacho's business.

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What does a shark call a jet skier?

Fast food.

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I'm really looking forward to the World Cup-themed McDonald's burger.

"The Qatar Pounder."

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How does a burger introduce his wife?

"Meet Patty."

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"I went to McDonald's, Wendy’s, and Burger Kings. All the fries were burnt! Then I realized it was Black Fryday."

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"I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect-based burgers. All I’m hearing are crickets!"

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"I went on a date the other night. She took out the pickles from her burger and cut them in half. For me, that's a dill breaker."

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What did the boy say when he chased the food?

"That’s fast food!"

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What did the frog order when he went to McDonald’s?

A hoppy meal.

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What do race horses eat?

Fast food.

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Why did the man climb to the roof of the fast food restaurant?

They told him the meal was on the house!

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How do you insult a hamburger patty?

Call it a meatball.

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A fast food employee dropped my burger patty on the floor before serving it to me.

They said it was ground beef.

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Where do fast food places get those square fish for the filet-o-fish sandwiches?

From the asquarium.

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What happens when you cross a chicken with a turbocharger?

Fast food.

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Why do the French like escargot so much?

Well, they've long expressed their disdain for fast food.

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Did you hear about McDonald's?

They eggspanded the breakfast menu.

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"Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house. It was delicious."

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What is a cannibal's favorite fast food?

HANDburgers.

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A ghost sits down at a restaurant table and orders a burger and a drink. He confirms his order and the waiter asks him, "Do you want frights with that?"

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"My co-worker is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine."

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"I'm starting a new business tomorrow.

It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year. I'm calling it, 'Resolutions.'"

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What is classical music's only reference to a fast food franchise?

Taco Bell's Canon.

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