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It’s only after you become a parent that you realize raising your child has a lot more hidden challenges than you could have foreseen. And we’re not just talking about how tough it can be to help them out with their homework and what to pitch to Santa for this year’s Christmas gifts. Good parents take the time to look after their kids’ mental health, not just their physical well-being.

A roof over their head and food on their table is absolutely essential, but how you communicate and how you treat them is absolutely vital for their welfare. There are various fears and anxieties to tackle… though the sad reality is that traumatic experiences can’t always be avoided. Nobody is perfect and all parents make mistakes.

Trauma counselor Courtney, who has 18 years of experience in her field, filmed a series of emotionally impactful videos on TikTok that we weren’t prepared to see. She shared the things that her child and teenage clients told her about their parents, by writing them on sticky notes. It just goes to show how insightful and smart kids really are, and how vital it is to actively listen to them. Scroll down to see what she revealed in her three incredibly powerful TikToks, and to see how the internet reacted.

More info: TikTok | YouTube | Podcast

Trauma counselor Courtney revealed some of the most heartbreaking things her kid and teen clients told her during therapy

Image credits: ask.courtney

You can watch the first part of her video series right over here

@ask.courtney They gave permission to share #teens #teenthoughts #parentsoftiktok #parenting #parenting101 #familiesoftiktok #therapy #familymatters ♬ Einaudi: Experience - Ludovico Einaudi & Daniel Hope & I Virtuosi Italiani

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Harley Lee
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Amen. Killing and threatening to kill my pets, loved ones, my animal friends does not motivate me to follow ur rules.

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The counselor notes that her clients all gave her permission to anonymously share what they had told her during their sessions with her.

Combined, the three videos got over half a million likes since being posted. The things the clients told Courtney are absolutely heartbreaking, and they had some TikTok users in tears.

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Winter
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

for the past year I have been stuggling to make my parents understand this as well.

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over it already
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oof... sounds like how I felt with my mom growing up. I try hard now not to be that parent, but should and will actively check in with each of my kids after school today.

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Counselor Courtney told Scary Mommy that there is no such thing “as a perfect parent.” 

“We've all been on our phones too much because we've needed to zone out after a long day or were stuck so deep in our own minds that we didn't give our children the attention they needed, or simply bailed out of a tea party because we were too overstimulated. It's okay—learning to take responsibility, showing accountability, and repairing are the ultimate goals,” the expert said.

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ForThePeople
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But when the kid gets a phone, the parents will freak out about it whenever he/she/they/ are on it.

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MellonCollie
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

6 years old and they don't say goodnight anymore ... I don't know why this one in particular stuck out to me, but I find it very telling about how much the parents care. Poor kid :-(

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The trauma counselor mentioned that while it’s perfectly normal to want to know what happened during therapy sessions, “it's equally as important that the relationship between child and counselor remain safe and that means that parents won't always be privy to what is said.”

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Good communication is about trust and respecting boundaries. Some of the ways that parents can talk to their kids about their sessions, however, include asking them about their favorite part of therapy that day. If they see that their kids are tense and don’t want to open up, parents ought to point out that they’re not upset about this.

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ForThePeople
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Teens should get some independence, it should not be either a whooping whenever the kid has an opinion or helicopter parents.

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barn owls ️
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i want to hug this kid and tell them it isn’t their fault. i was raised like this and it’s very detrimental to the rest of your life

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“You can say, ‘I get it, you feel safe talking to [Counselor Name]. I like that, and I am happy that you have them to talk to. I want you to know that I, too, am working hard and when you are ready, I'd love to be a safe place for you where I can listen’—the best thing to do is respect that emotional boundary that's popping up for them,” she told Scary Mommy.

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She added that a way for parents to start an honest conversation with their kids is to ask for their permission. Here’s an example of what a parent might say: “I realize that we need to communicate more and I think that starts with me becoming a better listener. Like you, I am still growing and learning new things each day. Thank you for being patient with me. I know sometimes I haven't listened to you. I know how frustrating that is. So, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions. Are you ok with that?”

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April Stephens
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is a great post, and writing the kids' observations like this is a great idea. So my comment is a little besides the point, but what I want to confess as a parent is that playing with a 5-year-old is intense. I can do a few minutes at a time, a few minutes every day, of tickling or pretend play. And I would spend a lot of time, hours a day, with a 5-year-old reading, doing puzzles, or going for a walk, so it's not as if I can't spend time. But playing with toys together is so exhausting because they ask me to build it for them, or they take apart my building/creation/set up of whatever kind. I am not good enough at sharing for that! Anyway, I am going to try to be better after reading this.

majandess
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Take heart. I'm also a parent who felt like I couldn't play. That was my husband's thing. Playing for hours. But my son (14) reminds me - every now and then when I feel I'm failing - that sometimes what we do do together is just as much playing. When he was little, to delay going to bed, he would ask me a question about something he wanted to know. And I'd sit with him at my desk and read about it, or look up videos about it, or draw it, or whatever... And that was his bedtime story. We would go on "grand adventures"... Learning about stop lights, we would chase yellow lights through downtown and talk about what the colors mean. We've followed garbage trucks and gotten lessons about how they work from the sanitation workers who caught us. We've been invited to learn about roasting coffee because the owner of a shop caught us wondering and talking about it. My son has loved every second. So, take heart... What kids mean when they say "play" is "spend time".

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Got Myself 4 Pandas
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm physically limited due to a health condition, it kills me that I can't run around the park with my youngest two kids the way I did with my older two - but instead we play board games, do crafts, bake, Lego, draw etc - I do my best but I'd love to be able to do more active things with them

GPZ
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sadly, the lack of time to play with your children, particularly when they're this age, can be a function of the cost of living and both parents having to work to just to be able to pay the rent and put food on the table

Pizzagirl 91
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes! And it's not just this generation, either. My mother was a stay at home mom, and I can't really remember her playing with us. We are 5 siblings, the largest age gap is 5 years. She was cooking, doing laundry etc., we'd keep ourselves occupied! We had a yard to play in, we had friends and imagination! Our twins are not even 2 years old and, while they love playing with us, they are fine playing just with each other or alone. It's a stark contrast to children I see at the playground, who need attention all the time to the point where they ask me (a stranger) to watch them on the swings. My stepdaughter (6), who was an only child until the twins, wants much more attention than I can give, and what's more, she isn't happy with doing household stuff with me, like the twins. She needs full focus on her, and that's really difficult with 5 people and a cat living together.

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Evelyn Haskins
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The trouble with a single child. I can NEVER remember wanting my parents to play with me. More like "Just leave me alone!"

Julie
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can remember someone of an older generation say they thought it was weird when parents play with kids because they didn't know anyone who did that. And I thought about it and mine never did. It's not to say they didn't do things with us or take us places, but they didn't actually play with us. I'm wondering if it was because everyone had siblings or neighborhood kids they were friends with and it was expected that they should play together, not with their parents.

Laura Pfeifer
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think parents need to be intentional about playing with their kids and engaging with them. We get caught up in being busy and stressed so much! On the other hand… It’s easy for a kid to see someone outside of the family is more playful and fun, because they are not the one with the responsibility. Like a grandparent who is done raising their kids, an aunt, a babysitter.

ACosmicFool
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

come on parents. this kid is five years old. already in therapy and you don't play with them or pay attention to them? sounds like child neglect at its finest.

STJ
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't remember my parents ever playing w us. When my bro got old enough our dad got involved w his baseball.

Valerie Johnston
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is so important to pmay and interact with our children and grandchildren. It doesn't even take long. If you take even a little bit of time devoted to your child, read a book, play a game, play with them even for 30 min, it makes aa huge difference.

Jackie Nettleton
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is horrible who doesn’t want to enjoy time with their children it’s an awful thing for a child to know their parents don’t want to spend time with them

Susan Montgomery
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I’m middle aged now and only recently realized how my stay-at-home parent never made the time to play with me when I was little, even though they had more than enough time — they sat around most of the day and watched TV.

Alexandra Sanders
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

my gramma so called doesn´t have time to play uno w/me (my apostrophe key aint workin´ again XD) but still... you have time to sleep, but not play uno w/your 12 yo great granddaughter?

Riley Quinn
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Had my parents bothered to set family as a priority, just a couple times a month, I honestly think we wouldn't be estranged.

Powercat
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My parents never played with me ever. I didn't even know it was an option. I thought that grown-ups didn't play. When I got older and had kids ask me to play with them I was very confused. It completely eluded me why kids would think that grown-ups would want to play with them. Took me a while to understand that I was the one who was raised differently.

RM Ker
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I dont understand why parents have kids if they dont want to spend time with them. I miss my little boy so much. There is nothing better than seeing the world through the wonderment of a child's eyes. They are so much fun.

laura lee
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I got, as the unexpected later in life baby, we did that already with the others, I'm tired, I'm too old. Sometimes they'd straight up gaslight me, ok near always, that they did do all this stuff with me and I'm like no that must've been one of my older siblings. Then they're like ohh hmm maybe then I get brushed off like I'm some hysterical wife from a fifties drama or something. Or a terrible ungrateful child.

Brazen
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

One of the few times I remember my mom playing with me, it was with a coloring book. As we were coloring all that she could do was tell me that I was coloring wrong and how I should color each page consistently, ie. same colors for the same dress, hair style, etc. It was a Cinderella coloring book and it's probably going to stick with me forever. I don't think parents sometimes realize what they are doing, or in this case what they are doing by not playing.

Lee
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If people can't make the time to be parents then why have kids?

Ren Karlej
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A lot of people don't realise what it's really going to be like, unfortunately. Many find delight in playing with small children and others find it boring. Some get bogged down in the work that comes with running a house, having a job and trying to keep on top of all the work that comes with children and just forget how important the fun stuff truly is. It's sad. I don't remember my parents playing with me, my mother was always busy and overworked and tired, but I did at least have siblings.

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Some other things that parents can ask include: “If there was one thing at home that you could change, what would that be?" and "What is one thing in your life that you'd like to have more control over?”

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 “The more we know about ourselves, our childhood, and what we need now as adults the better we can heal and the more emotionally present we can be for our children. As parents, we mustn't strive for perfection but for growth. Be gentle with yourself as you grow and keep showing up…it truly takes a village,” Courtney said.

See Also on Bored Panda

A while back, single mom Ariane Sherine told Bored Panda that the difficult years of parenting are just phases, and that there will be plenty of shifts and changes along the way. She highlighted the fact that, just as parents need to take care of their children, they also need to take care of themselves.

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“See if you can get some help each week, whether that's grandparents doing a bit of childcare or paying a childminder. Use the extra time to exercise self-care and pamper yourself, whether that means having a massage or just a soak in the bath—do things you wouldn't be able to do while looking after your child,” she noted that if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can try talking to a friend or consider reaching out to a counselor.

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ForThePeople
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I know I will get downvoted, but is is a fun relaxing game. No need to prioritize it over a kid though.

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a fruity dream of delusion
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

this is how it was with my sisters for a lot of my life… it just led them to disliking me and ignoring me even more for a very long time

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Previously, psychologist Lee Chambers shared his thoughts with Bored Panda about traumatic experiences and resilience.

"As human beings, we have a desire for certainty and routine that keeps us feeling safe and able to plan what lies ahead in an organized manner. When unpredictable situations or accidents impact us, it can be traumatic, and we will likely feel a sense of disappointment, frustration, and loss," the expert told us.

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Tracy Butler
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No, they definitely shouldn’t. I have so much respect for my father bc he’s never talked s**t on my alcoholic mother, ever. I called her an idiot once and he said, ‘well I won’t fight with you on that one’…that’s the worst 😝❤️

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Mokayokok
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is most parents. We don't want to unload our issue(s) onto you, it wouldn't be fair, and we love you too much to do that to you. It is not because we're trying to deceive you, we are actually trying to protect your well being.

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Artistic Panda (he him)
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2 years ago

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"It is important however that we embrace the fact that the world can be unpredictable and uncertain, and become more tolerant of this being a reality. Understanding that things are sometimes out of our control helps us to accept that not everything goes to plan, and accept when things happen to us that are negative. This acceptance allows us to embrace the change and difference, and manage our expectations so we can become more resilient to the ups and downs that all our lives lead,” the psychologist said.

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Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom lies a lot to. "I miss you!" She says over the phone. Just seen me for the first time in 4 years l:(

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harpling
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There is a very fine line between punishment and abuse. People who don't know where that line is should not be in charge of children.

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"Post-traumatic growth isn't always simple to explain or utilize, but often the adversity we face can create a precedent for what we can overcome, help us to see what we need to be grateful for, and give us an understanding of the support we do have. A big part of opening the door to grow from our struggles is finding acceptance and taking ownership over what you can control and finding healthy ways to express the negative emotion that comes with challenges that test us," psychologist Lee told Bored Panda.

He revealed that he himself had to learn to walk again. Here’s what he said helped him during that difficult time: “Using journaling and talking about how I felt played a significant part in my recovery when I had to learn to walk again, and gave me the space to grow to become mentally stronger as a result. It is also important to reflect on all the hurdles you've overcome, so you can see what skills and lessons you've learned to apply in the future, and adversity often helps us to see what really matters, and gets us closer to knowing our values and purpose."

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Here's how some internet users reacted to the extremely emotional videos