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It’s only after you become a parent that you realize raising your child has a lot more hidden challenges than you could have foreseen. And we’re not just talking about how tough it can be to help them out with their homework and what to pitch to Santa for this year’s Christmas gifts. Good parents take the time to look after their kids’ mental health, not just their physical well-being.

A roof over their head and food on their table is absolutely essential, but how you communicate and how you treat them is absolutely vital for their welfare. There are various fears and anxieties to tackle… though the sad reality is that traumatic experiences can’t always be avoided. Nobody is perfect and all parents make mistakes.

Trauma counselor Courtney, who has 18 years of experience in her field, filmed a series of emotionally impactful videos on TikTok that we weren’t prepared to see. She shared the things that her child and teenage clients told her about their parents, by writing them on sticky notes. It just goes to show how insightful and smart kids really are, and how vital it is to actively listen to them. Scroll down to see what she revealed in her three incredibly powerful TikToks, and to see how the internet reacted.

More info: TikTok | YouTube | Podcast

Trauma counselor Courtney revealed some of the most heartbreaking things her kid and teen clients told her during therapy

Image credits: ask.courtney

You can watch the first part of her video series right over here

@ask.courtney They gave permission to share #teens #teenthoughts #parentsoftiktok #parenting #parenting101 #familiesoftiktok #therapy #familymatters ♬ Einaudi: Experience - Ludovico Einaudi & Daniel Hope & I Virtuosi Italiani

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Harley Lee
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Amen. Killing and threatening to kill my pets, loved ones, my animal friends does not motivate me to follow ur rules.

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The counselor notes that her clients all gave her permission to anonymously share what they had told her during their sessions with her.

Combined, the three videos got over half a million likes since being posted. The things the clients told Courtney are absolutely heartbreaking, and they had some TikTok users in tears.

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Winter
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

for the past year I have been stuggling to make my parents understand this as well.

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over it already
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oof... sounds like how I felt with my mom growing up. I try hard now not to be that parent, but should and will actively check in with each of my kids after school today.

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Counselor Courtney told Scary Mommy that there is no such thing “as a perfect parent.” 

“We've all been on our phones too much because we've needed to zone out after a long day or were stuck so deep in our own minds that we didn't give our children the attention they needed, or simply bailed out of a tea party because we were too overstimulated. It's okay—learning to take responsibility, showing accountability, and repairing are the ultimate goals,” the expert said.

#7

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ForThePeople
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But when the kid gets a phone, the parents will freak out about it whenever he/she/they/ are on it.

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MellonCollie
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

6 years old and they don't say goodnight anymore ... I don't know why this one in particular stuck out to me, but I find it very telling about how much the parents care. Poor kid :-(

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The trauma counselor mentioned that while it’s perfectly normal to want to know what happened during therapy sessions, “it's equally as important that the relationship between child and counselor remain safe and that means that parents won't always be privy to what is said.”

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Good communication is about trust and respecting boundaries. Some of the ways that parents can talk to their kids about their sessions, however, include asking them about their favorite part of therapy that day. If they see that their kids are tense and don’t want to open up, parents ought to point out that they’re not upset about this.

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ForThePeople
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Teens should get some independence, it should not be either a whooping whenever the kid has an opinion or helicopter parents.

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barn owls ️
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i want to hug this kid and tell them it isn’t their fault. i was raised like this and it’s very detrimental to the rest of your life

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“You can say, ‘I get it, you feel safe talking to [Counselor Name]. I like that, and I am happy that you have them to talk to. I want you to know that I, too, am working hard and when you are ready, I'd love to be a safe place for you where I can listen’—the best thing to do is respect that emotional boundary that's popping up for them,” she told Scary Mommy.

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She added that a way for parents to start an honest conversation with their kids is to ask for their permission. Here’s an example of what a parent might say: “I realize that we need to communicate more and I think that starts with me becoming a better listener. Like you, I am still growing and learning new things each day. Thank you for being patient with me. I know sometimes I haven't listened to you. I know how frustrating that is. So, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions. Are you ok with that?”

Some other things that parents can ask include: “If there was one thing at home that you could change, what would that be?" and "What is one thing in your life that you'd like to have more control over?”

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 “The more we know about ourselves, our childhood, and what we need now as adults the better we can heal and the more emotionally present we can be for our children. As parents, we mustn't strive for perfection but for growth. Be gentle with yourself as you grow and keep showing up…it truly takes a village,” Courtney said.

See Also on Bored Panda

A while back, single mom Ariane Sherine told Bored Panda that the difficult years of parenting are just phases, and that there will be plenty of shifts and changes along the way. She highlighted the fact that, just as parents need to take care of their children, they also need to take care of themselves.

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“See if you can get some help each week, whether that's grandparents doing a bit of childcare or paying a childminder. Use the extra time to exercise self-care and pamper yourself, whether that means having a massage or just a soak in the bath—do things you wouldn't be able to do while looking after your child,” she noted that if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can try talking to a friend or consider reaching out to a counselor.

#19

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ForThePeople
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I know I will get downvoted, but is is a fun relaxing game. No need to prioritize it over a kid though.

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a fruity dream of delusion
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

this is how it was with my sisters for a lot of my life… it just led them to disliking me and ignoring me even more for a very long time

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Previously, psychologist Lee Chambers shared his thoughts with Bored Panda about traumatic experiences and resilience.

"As human beings, we have a desire for certainty and routine that keeps us feeling safe and able to plan what lies ahead in an organized manner. When unpredictable situations or accidents impact us, it can be traumatic, and we will likely feel a sense of disappointment, frustration, and loss," the expert told us.

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Tracy Butler
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No, they definitely shouldn’t. I have so much respect for my father bc he’s never talked s**t on my alcoholic mother, ever. I called her an idiot once and he said, ‘well I won’t fight with you on that one’…that’s the worst 😝❤️

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Mokayokok
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is most parents. We don't want to unload our issue(s) onto you, it wouldn't be fair, and we love you too much to do that to you. It is not because we're trying to deceive you, we are actually trying to protect your well being.

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Artistic Panda (he him)
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2 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

WonderWoman
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

These notes were written BY the therapist relaying WHAT her patients have said - any spelling errors is the therapists

Kathryn Baylis
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Better to come from a broken home than to live in one. I know this because I grew up in a home with parents who should’ve divorced long before I was born. Never saw my parents kiss, never heard them say they loved each other—-or us. They slept in separate bedrooms, and barely spoke or even acknowledged each other, except to have the nastiest, no holds barred, arguments/fights where they pulled no emotional punches and said the most personally painful things to each other, for at least my whole life until I left home at 18 (and never looked back). My older brothers may have seen them when they were still in love, and older relatives have told us our parents were crazy in love when they got married, but I never did. My brothers and I would’ve maybe had a chance at having a wonderful stepfather if my parents had divorced. My father was the worst of the two, and if she got away from him, she might’ve once again become the nice person relatives told us she was before marrying him. Plus, my mother was a really pretty woman, and an extremely young looking 40, so would’ve definitely remarried, hopefully to a normal and kind man who just might have been the father us kids never had, and really needed.

zakk jakkl
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom divorcing my dad was the best decision for the entire family

S
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

One of the worst things you can do to your kids.

Angela
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom and dad would fight all the time. It was chaotic. When she would leave him, we finally had quiet. But she would always come back to him "for the sake of the kids" and the chaos would return too.

Lulu
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is what my parents did and it was very sad and traumatizing. When they finally divorced i felt extremely releaved. This is never a good idea

Mosheh Wolf
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When my wife was 18 and her sister was 26, they finally managed to convince their parents to get divorced (though there were some real reasons why it was impractical earlier). The relationship between their parents improved immensely, and their lives vastly improved. My FiL remarried, and his second wife has a great relationship with my MiL (my FiL recently passed, and the two still talk on the phone at least once a week). My MiL stayed happily single, and is living her best life at 85.

Lindsay
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm 40 years old & still dealing with the trauma I grew up with while living in a chaotic/dysfunctional family.

Nosirrow
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My parents got a divorce but remained in one flat. 12 or so years of civil war, me the only victim. Then father spent several years behind bars and later parents became friends. I hated that so much.

Doodles1983
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My parents split when I was 9. It was better overall. Staying together “because kids” is a waste of everyone’s time and potential.

STJ
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I can relate. We were all glad when mine got divorced.

Idiocy Incarnate (she/her)
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I- It hurts that some people feel this way and I feel in the future that I may feel like this too

Kyra Davis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No no no don't do it for the kids pls never try to stay together for the kids. It makes us feels whole train reck of emotions and they will likely get some lasting mental issues growing up in a home filled with resentment

elcee
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I still wish my parents had gotten divorced earlier I can remember moderating a few arguments as a teenager, making them take turns speaking and listening to ea other, and telling them not to stay tog for us. wish they had taken it to heart. also my mom felt she couldn't do it on her own, she had very poor self esteem, which ironically probably would have been improved by her leaving. but I get it all now that I'm old(er) and have been in therapy for years! but still, damage was done.

Kim Bush
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

One of the best quotes I have ever heard... "Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one".

Celtic Pirate Queen
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah, my ex wanted to stay together "for the kids". His parents did that (and they were OH SO happy) so he thought we should too. I couldn't stand the man anymore and finally talked him into seeing a marriage counselor. She helped me explain to him that a happy single Mom is much better for the kids than an unhappy bitter one.

Teri Miller
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not sure which is worse. My parents (with 6 kids) divorced and remarried 3 times. Everything sucked. We didn't miss my dad when he was gone (mean drunk), but mom was sad - she really loved him.

Barbara Clark
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Parents should get therapy and make an effort to stay together and enjoy their families.

Kyra Davis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not always. Try for maybe a year while unhappy but kids will sense the contempt and telling your kids you still love somebody that you yelll at all the time will mess them up bad

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O.M.Miki
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is what i wished when i was a kid and I even told that to my mom so many times. But the excuses to stay cause of siblings I find absolutely ridiculous. My brother and I don't even talk like pretty much ever. I ended up moving over seas 15 years ago with no intention to move back - have my own family now. However the fights my fathers would start with my mom stayed with me as it scared me for life. The year my ex husband started showing similar patterns I divorced (kids were 2 and 3) - moved to another part of the country single mom kids are now 10 and 12 still happy and going strong. Family is family is family but forced family is not.

RM Ker
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Reading some of these statements, I would have to agree.

Lisa H
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

December will be 44 years for mine.....and I haven't seen them truly express their live for each other, yet. They don't act like they love each other. I want to ask them about it but I know they're just going to tell me what I want to hear, not what I NEED to hear. Take off the kid gloves already.

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"It is important however that we embrace the fact that the world can be unpredictable and uncertain, and become more tolerant of this being a reality. Understanding that things are sometimes out of our control helps us to accept that not everything goes to plan, and accept when things happen to us that are negative. This acceptance allows us to embrace the change and difference, and manage our expectations so we can become more resilient to the ups and downs that all our lives lead,” the psychologist said.

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Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom lies a lot to. "I miss you!" She says over the phone. Just seen me for the first time in 4 years l:(

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harpling
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There is a very fine line between punishment and abuse. People who don't know where that line is should not be in charge of children.

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"Post-traumatic growth isn't always simple to explain or utilize, but often the adversity we face can create a precedent for what we can overcome, help us to see what we need to be grateful for, and give us an understanding of the support we do have. A big part of opening the door to grow from our struggles is finding acceptance and taking ownership over what you can control and finding healthy ways to express the negative emotion that comes with challenges that test us," psychologist Lee told Bored Panda.

He revealed that he himself had to learn to walk again. Here’s what he said helped him during that difficult time: “Using journaling and talking about how I felt played a significant part in my recovery when I had to learn to walk again, and gave me the space to grow to become mentally stronger as a result. It is also important to reflect on all the hurdles you've overcome, so you can see what skills and lessons you've learned to apply in the future, and adversity often helps us to see what really matters, and gets us closer to knowing our values and purpose."

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Here's how some internet users reacted to the extremely emotional videos