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It’s only after you become a parent that you realize raising your child has a lot more hidden challenges than you could have foreseen. And we’re not just talking about how tough it can be to help them out with their homework and what to pitch to Santa for this year’s Christmas gifts. Good parents take the time to look after their kids’ mental health, not just their physical well-being.

A roof over their head and food on their table is absolutely essential, but how you communicate and how you treat them is absolutely vital for their welfare. There are various fears and anxieties to tackle… though the sad reality is that traumatic experiences can’t always be avoided. Nobody is perfect and all parents make mistakes.

Trauma counselor Courtney, who has 18 years of experience in her field, filmed a series of emotionally impactful videos on TikTok that we weren’t prepared to see. She shared the things that her child and teenage clients told her about their parents, by writing them on sticky notes. It just goes to show how insightful and smart kids really are, and how vital it is to actively listen to them. Scroll down to see what she revealed in her three incredibly powerful TikToks, and to see how the internet reacted.

More info: TikTok | YouTube | Podcast

Trauma counselor Courtney revealed some of the most heartbreaking things her kid and teen clients told her during therapy

Image credits: ask.courtney

You can watch the first part of her video series right over here

@ask.courtney They gave permission to share #teens #teenthoughts #parentsoftiktok #parenting #parenting101 #familiesoftiktok #therapy #familymatters ♬ Einaudi: Experience - Ludovico Einaudi & Daniel Hope & I Virtuosi Italiani

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Harley Lee
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Amen. Killing and threatening to kill my pets, loved ones, my animal friends does not motivate me to follow ur rules.

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The counselor notes that her clients all gave her permission to anonymously share what they had told her during their sessions with her.

Combined, the three videos got over half a million likes since being posted. The things the clients told Courtney are absolutely heartbreaking, and they had some TikTok users in tears.

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Winter
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

for the past year I have been stuggling to make my parents understand this as well.

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Summer Mason
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have only used disappointed two times with my kids. Cause I know it's affects. Once when our middle son called a black girl at his school the n word, and second when my oldest daughter was caught stealing from the supermarket. We did not raise them to be like that. So there for yeah, us as parents where disappointed in their actions. And guess what? They have never done these things since. As one parent to another, be careful when you chose the term disappointed. I never want my kids to feel like a disappointment.

Charlie
Community Member
8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This. That word should only be used if they actually knew better, not just because you wanted them to magically do better without being taught.

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Misty-Dawn Amayi
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The caveat here is that my great-grandfather knew a healthy way to play this card. I came from a place of traumatic abuse, and being physically assaulted or insulted didn't work on me anymore. I knew nothing I said, did, or felt, would change things. G- grandfather never hurt me. If I *willfully* did wrong, he'd point out the times I did better and then make me account for my reason for doing bad this time. If it was an act of ignorance- a first-off, he'd ask me what I learned from the consequences of my words or actions. You will disappoint and be disappointed a lot in life. What matters is if you use these moments to learn and teach or use them to make you or another feel worthless.

Lee Rankin
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Misty thanks for your very insightful comment. The situation you describe resonates with me having been 'cared' for by foster parents most of my life. Never felt wanted, never felt loved. They told me that I was with them because my mother didn't want me. Which is probably the worst thing anyone can say to a kid. I also experienced the trauma of having a beloved pet killed. My darling little Sydney Silky dog dared to frighten the chooks in the hen coupe. The F**ks said "we can't have that". Dogs who threaten the hens making the hens not wont to lay eggs for us must be DESTROYED!! Let's take into account that I am 80 yo so I'm talking about around the years 1946-7. Damage to children has been going on since the beginning of time. It is definitely getting better! Now I see fathers outside playing with their kids, taking them to the park & imparting valuable knowledge to them through encouraging their sport etc.

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ohjojo (you/your's)
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People carry this their whole lives. You can see it in the people you work with.

TooBusyExisting
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

yesss. whenever I hear that someone is disappointed in me I get so upset. I am already disappointed in myself, they don't have to make it worse

Miss Frankfurter
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When my parents said this to me it hurt more than anything else they could possibly said. It just crushed everything in me.

Bad Ass69
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Telling me I was a disappointment was my mother being kind! She always said stuff like. I was an accident and she never meant to have me. Or. That I was some form of punishment GOD let Satan hang around her neck. I was 5 years old the first time she laid that last one on me! What a b!t©h right!

Jennifer Potter
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wow. Sorry you had to endure that! I hope you met lots of other people that treated you better!

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Pjerrot
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To this Day when People tells me,that They are Dissapointed in Me ,it crushes me…. It’s My Childhood all over again… Its the most Heavy feeling… I’m over 50 now….

Robin DJW
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Breaks my heart. I hope I wasn't this parent when mine were still at home.

just another teen
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

me to me to I wish I could just give you a hug and go through this together

Isa's left eye
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They want me to confide in them and then when I do, they call me a disappointment.

Amanda Garren
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That hurts to be told no matter your age but definately as a young person

Alexandra Sanders
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

gramma calls me an idiot, stupid, dumbutt, and once she even called me a lil butch (12 yo here help me :´) )

Jeanne Castiglia
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i'm 64 years old, & am still crushed about my father saying this to me when i was a teen

Bekki Sala
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've heard this so much from my parents, all through my childhood and sometimes now. I'm in my 30's.

Doodles1983
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I get that. But I also think that parents should express disappointment, it helps a kid learn. It’s HOW it’s done that matters.

ACosmicFool
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

my 6th grade teacher told me she was disappointed in me for finishing a test too quickly. i had to hold back a few tears because it just broke me. i understood every question. i just went at my own pace because it was easy to me, & i'm not even a smart kid either, people just have their own paces they go at.

afia kooma
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Im so glad their therapist made them see thatt they where just learning, and not to blame them self for it. Wish parents could understand too ❤️

Peter Spencer
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My parents were disappointed with me all the time for various reasons: it got to the point where I just ignored their opinions and did my own thing. These days I have as little as possible to do with my family.

Riley Quinn
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My parents never participated in this "I'm disappointed in you" foreplay. They went straight into corporeal punishment.

sovy marcia
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i think for lots of situations with teens/kids and parents, that as soon as a teen or kid has an important assertive opinion, and wants to inform their parents about it, if the parents simply disagree, its the end of their relationship with you, or the loss of even starting one.

Mauricio A.Rivera
Community Member
2 years ago

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I'm going to have to stop commenting, it'll get me in trouble , right now these posts are not offering enough background to form an honest understanding of both sides. I'm just getting wilful and entitled brats, who possibly need to be admonished. For example if the rest of this post's background reads," telling me that you are disappointed in me "BECAUSE I BROUGHT A GUN TO SCHOOL",kills me" then this is why we are in trouble when it comes to school shootings!

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over it already
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oof... sounds like how I felt with my mom growing up. I try hard now not to be that parent, but should and will actively check in with each of my kids after school today.

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Counselor Courtney told Scary Mommy that there is no such thing “as a perfect parent.” 

“We've all been on our phones too much because we've needed to zone out after a long day or were stuck so deep in our own minds that we didn't give our children the attention they needed, or simply bailed out of a tea party because we were too overstimulated. It's okay—learning to take responsibility, showing accountability, and repairing are the ultimate goals,” the expert said.

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ForThePeople
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But when the kid gets a phone, the parents will freak out about it whenever he/she/they/ are on it.

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MellonCollie
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

6 years old and they don't say goodnight anymore ... I don't know why this one in particular stuck out to me, but I find it very telling about how much the parents care. Poor kid :-(

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The trauma counselor mentioned that while it’s perfectly normal to want to know what happened during therapy sessions, “it's equally as important that the relationship between child and counselor remain safe and that means that parents won't always be privy to what is said.”

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Good communication is about trust and respecting boundaries. Some of the ways that parents can talk to their kids about their sessions, however, include asking them about their favorite part of therapy that day. If they see that their kids are tense and don’t want to open up, parents ought to point out that they’re not upset about this.

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ForThePeople
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Teens should get some independence, it should not be either a whooping whenever the kid has an opinion or helicopter parents.

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barn owls ️
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i want to hug this kid and tell them it isn’t their fault. i was raised like this and it’s very detrimental to the rest of your life

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“You can say, ‘I get it, you feel safe talking to [Counselor Name]. I like that, and I am happy that you have them to talk to. I want you to know that I, too, am working hard and when you are ready, I'd love to be a safe place for you where I can listen’—the best thing to do is respect that emotional boundary that's popping up for them,” she told Scary Mommy.

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She added that a way for parents to start an honest conversation with their kids is to ask for their permission. Here’s an example of what a parent might say: “I realize that we need to communicate more and I think that starts with me becoming a better listener. Like you, I am still growing and learning new things each day. Thank you for being patient with me. I know sometimes I haven't listened to you. I know how frustrating that is. So, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions. Are you ok with that?”

Some other things that parents can ask include: “If there was one thing at home that you could change, what would that be?" and "What is one thing in your life that you'd like to have more control over?”

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 “The more we know about ourselves, our childhood, and what we need now as adults the better we can heal and the more emotionally present we can be for our children. As parents, we mustn't strive for perfection but for growth. Be gentle with yourself as you grow and keep showing up…it truly takes a village,” Courtney said.

See Also on Bored Panda

A while back, single mom Ariane Sherine told Bored Panda that the difficult years of parenting are just phases, and that there will be plenty of shifts and changes along the way. She highlighted the fact that, just as parents need to take care of their children, they also need to take care of themselves.

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“See if you can get some help each week, whether that's grandparents doing a bit of childcare or paying a childminder. Use the extra time to exercise self-care and pamper yourself, whether that means having a massage or just a soak in the bath—do things you wouldn't be able to do while looking after your child,” she noted that if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can try talking to a friend or consider reaching out to a counselor.

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ForThePeople
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I know I will get downvoted, but is is a fun relaxing game. No need to prioritize it over a kid though.

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a fruity dream of delusion
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

this is how it was with my sisters for a lot of my life… it just led them to disliking me and ignoring me even more for a very long time

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Previously, psychologist Lee Chambers shared his thoughts with Bored Panda about traumatic experiences and resilience.

"As human beings, we have a desire for certainty and routine that keeps us feeling safe and able to plan what lies ahead in an organized manner. When unpredictable situations or accidents impact us, it can be traumatic, and we will likely feel a sense of disappointment, frustration, and loss," the expert told us.

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Tracy Butler
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No, they definitely shouldn’t. I have so much respect for my father bc he’s never talked s**t on my alcoholic mother, ever. I called her an idiot once and he said, ‘well I won’t fight with you on that one’…that’s the worst 😝❤️

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Mokayokok
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is most parents. We don't want to unload our issue(s) onto you, it wouldn't be fair, and we love you too much to do that to you. It is not because we're trying to deceive you, we are actually trying to protect your well being.

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Artistic Panda (he him)
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2 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

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"It is important however that we embrace the fact that the world can be unpredictable and uncertain, and become more tolerant of this being a reality. Understanding that things are sometimes out of our control helps us to accept that not everything goes to plan, and accept when things happen to us that are negative. This acceptance allows us to embrace the change and difference, and manage our expectations so we can become more resilient to the ups and downs that all our lives lead,” the psychologist said.

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Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom lies a lot to. "I miss you!" She says over the phone. Just seen me for the first time in 4 years l:(

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harpling
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There is a very fine line between punishment and abuse. People who don't know where that line is should not be in charge of children.

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"Post-traumatic growth isn't always simple to explain or utilize, but often the adversity we face can create a precedent for what we can overcome, help us to see what we need to be grateful for, and give us an understanding of the support we do have. A big part of opening the door to grow from our struggles is finding acceptance and taking ownership over what you can control and finding healthy ways to express the negative emotion that comes with challenges that test us," psychologist Lee told Bored Panda.

He revealed that he himself had to learn to walk again. Here’s what he said helped him during that difficult time: “Using journaling and talking about how I felt played a significant part in my recovery when I had to learn to walk again, and gave me the space to grow to become mentally stronger as a result. It is also important to reflect on all the hurdles you've overcome, so you can see what skills and lessons you've learned to apply in the future, and adversity often helps us to see what really matters, and gets us closer to knowing our values and purpose."

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Here's how some internet users reacted to the extremely emotional videos