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Marriage Mentor Illustrates What Happens When Parents Have Stronger Emotional Bonds With Kids Than With Spouses
Interview
Humans may be one of the most advanced species on this planet, but it surely comes back to bite us on the rump when it comes to relationships because, well, it’s hard, man, and we ain’t making things any easier.
Marriage mentor Suzy Sypert, with whom Bored Panda got in touch for an interview, has recently been going viral for explaining just how much relationships can get problematic in a family depending on how close parents are with their kids.
In the now-viral TikTok video, Sypert elaborates on the Family of Origin Triangulation phenomenon, whereby one parent or step-parent can grow to hate a kid because of how close they grow to the other parent.
More Info: TikTok Part 1 | TikTok Part 2 | Instagram | Website
RELATED:
While TikTok is primarily an entertainment social medium, it’s quickly becoming an educational one too
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Huge disclaimer by Suzy Sypert: “first, only a licensed therapist hired by someone can truly diagnose the issues in their lives that need to be addressed. I’m here to educate and draw attention to things that happen to people as they’re growing up.”
“Second, how this plays out for people and what they need to do to heal is as varied as the families that we grow up in, and again, is why people need to do their own work and find a therapist that can help them look at their specific situations.”
“I am deeply indebted to Adam Young Counseling and his podcast ‘The Place We Find Ourselves,’ as well as, The Allender Center of Dan Allender for all the things they have helped me learn and understand on this topic and other issues of attachment theory.”
And now, on with our article!
And what started off as a mother-in-law improv quickly turned into an educational video on the Family of Origin Triangulation
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
So, TikToker Julianna Jenning posted a video where she improvised toxic MILs. One of the phrases she used was “you’re his wife, but I’m his mother, and I raised him!”
Well, marriage mentor Suzy Sypert stitched that for her own TikTok video and used the opportunity to explain this thing called the Family of Origin Triangulation.
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Basically, in a healthy family, the parents would have a closer emotional relationship between each other than they would with their children. This, of course, doesn’t mean the kid isn’t loved—just that the parents share a more intimate bond between each other than with the child, who is loved nonetheless.
If all of this sounds all too familiar, Sypert explains that this is a pretty common occurrence: “F.O.T. is much more common than people want to admit. We even have terms that are sometimes used for it: ‘Mamma’s boy’ or ‘Daddy’s girl.'”
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Now, it can happen that one of the parents could develop an emotional relationship that is closer to their kid than to their spouse. As a result, the child starts meeting the emotional needs of the parent, and they inevitably start carrying the burden, while the spouse starts developing disdain for the child.
This can happen with any variation: between the mother and her son or daughter, as well as the father and his son or daughter.
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Here’s part one of Suzy’s explanation on the family of origin triangulation
@suzysypert##stitch with @itsjuliannajennings where do the ##milfromhell come from? It could be that Family of Origin Triangulation ##friendsreunion2021♬ original sound – Suzy Sypert
In part two of her video, Sypert elaborates on how this can also happen between biological parents and their kids when a step-parent is in the mix. So, for example, a mother can be closer to her son than she is to her boyfriend.
Sypert released a ‘part two’, where she answers a TikTok user’s question
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
This ultimately boils down to immense pressure for the child. They are now effectively functioning as the spouse on an emotional level. It doesn’t allow the child to be a child and enjoy childhood, and this is besides being emotionally burdened by the parent’s emotions and the whole thing being very damaging.
Told you relationships are hard.
And that’s not all. Sypert elaborated that it can affect people’s marriages and abilities to relate to their spouse and others and it can affect people’s sexuality and how they pursue connections with others.
“This is happening during a person’s most formative years—childhood—and continues into adulthood where the child continues to serve the role they did as a kid. In short, it can affect every part of our life. How we love. How we see ourselves. How we see others. How we parent,” explained Sypert.
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
While so far there is just one video out answering people’s questions, Sypert plans to release more videos and to elaborate on the topic of Family of Order Triangulation.
“I would like to cover some of the negative impacts on adults who were triangulated as children, perhaps some red flags that ‘if you felt this way or that’ you may have been triangulated, some good resources to go to to start the healing journey, what sibling relations may have felt like if you were triangulated, maybe sharing some stories that give examples of what triangulation looks and feels like, explaining the difference between loving your kids and triangulation, and how triangulation plays out in marriages,” said Sypert.
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
Image credits: Suzy Sypert
So, Sypert comes out with what is now part one of this video, and it blows up on TikTok. As of the moment of this article, the video has garnered over 2.4 million views with over 436,000 likes, over 23,000 shares and thousands of comments, asking further questions and whatnot.
“I was really shocked that the video went viral. I only had a few hundred followers when it went viral, but I am so glad it did because it just reaffirms the fact that this is much more common and culturally accepted than we realize.”
“The most common and detrimental phrase I hear is, ‘my parents did the best they could.’ We have to be willing to appreciate all the good our parents did for us, while admitting the harm that also took place. That’s the bridge where healing can happen,” concluded Sypert.
You can check out the full part two video below
@suzysypertReply to @aspen.roseandco part 3, 4…to follow ##milfromhell ##familydrama ##answeringquestions♬ original sound – Suzy Sypert
There are plans for more videos on the topic, so be sure to follow Sypert on her TikTok channel. But before you go, tell us your thoughts on this in the comment section below!
What do you think ?
Viviane 3 years ago
I've previously heard the term "emotional incest". A parent uses a child for their emotional needs. One case I've known: a mother (married to the father) started confiding in and venting to her daughter from the time the daughter was 11. The girl felt guilty that she couldn't solve her mother's problems. It's such a breach of boundaries to turn one's child into one's confidante.
Ash Trash 3 years ago
So when talking to your children, explain the situation, but rely on a spouse/close friend for emotional needs.
Load More Replies...
Martha Meyer 3 years ago
Hmm, as the child of a single mother with dad only in the picture on weekends, I think there is a larger spectrum than just these two options. I was definitely closer to my mother than other kids my age who had both parents at home, but I don't feel she used me as her emotional trash bin. I also know a friend where I feel both parents totally overfocused on him beyond childhood in a way he eventually found suffocating. Still, very interesting food for thought!
Imitating 3 years ago
I think that just means you just didn't see your mom's third point of support - her emotional support point not being your dad anymore, she may have utilized another family member or friend(s). I also only saw my dad a few times a year and so was closer to my mom, but my mom was very intentional not to turn me into her support system. I was very loved, but allowed to still be a child.
Load More Replies...
Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
Read up on triangulation dynamics in psychology. Any group of three will have two go against one, is the general idea of it. And it will apply to "groups" within a larger group. For example, mom-family vs dad-family vs the kids.
H Edwards 3 years ago
I remember an adult warning me as a kid that groups of three friends can be tricky. It's something I have always found to be true, and I'm sure I have avoided some potentially hurtful situations simply because I've always been hyper-aware of the dynamic whenever I have been part of a group of three.
Load More Replies...
Matt Burke 3 years ago
My family is healthy.. It's me and my boys. Im not emotionally inimate with their mom because she's not really in the picture. Dont' love youre vision of a healthy family as an 'intact' hetero-sexual couple.
Sky Render 3 years ago
Now when it gets really messed up is when one partner refuses to be emotionally attached to the children and only defines themselves by their relationship with their partner. That's when you get a situation where any emotional attachment to the children is taken as an imposition. That tends to lead to a lot of unhappy families and divorces.
Chaos&Roses 3 years ago (edited)
I feel like there are two sides to this. As a parent, I feel it's important to show your kids emotions and help them learn that not every adult is the perfect person. In reality the triangle has all equal sides. Children should be involved in helping emotionally support struggling parents. Sharing the burden of emotional needs teaches a child a larger capacity for understanding and empathy and how grown relationships work (age appropriate) Alot of this psychology works in theory, and the practice has shown our young ones are coming into adulthood with no understanding of how adult emotions work because we've been so careful to shelter them from anything that might upset them. Psychology is great if you fit into that compartment, but it leaves you feeling completely disfunctional in a world of people appearing to be "normal" if you don't fit
Viviane 3 years ago
I have no issue with parents admitting to making mistakes, since that can help teach children than one can recover from mistakes. Because of my family's issues, I'm on the fence about "Children should be involved in helping emotionally support struggling parents". How would that work in practice? What would be appropriate for different ages/personalities/abilities? Do you have examples? I want to make sure I'm understanding what you mean, as my childhood experiences may be getting in the way of that.
Load More Replies...
blugeagua 3 years ago
She was actually another person dealing with a situation and was giving an example of what she heard.
Load More Replies...
Rissie 3 years ago
I'm not feeling the triangle at all. Support systems are usually way larger than that. When it comes to emotional support, I wouldn't even put a child in it to begin with. A child in the emotional support triangle is unhealthy. They should rely on you, not the other way around, it is NOT an equal relationship at all. So no, this triangle is just a terrible visual element to explain a point.
Allen John 3 years ago (edited)
I dislike the fact the tiktok doesn't allow users to switch off the mirror view when recording with the front facing camera. It is annoys me to see text and numbers mirrored.
Jennifer Briscese 3 years ago
I did a paper on this issue in grad school using the television show "Everybody Loves Raymond" as a example of unhealthy triangulation. Raymond was triangulated with his mother who had a emotionally withholding husband. The mother repeatedly tries to come between Raymond and his wife. For more information look up Bowen's family systems theory.
Della Greymane 3 years ago
So basically f*ck all us single parents since we can't have a healthy triangle?
ChloeClementine 3 years ago
No, she's saying don't use your kids as a substitute spouse. My parents had a terrible marriage, mom used my 2 brothers as a substitute husband. Because she had them do things for her, she gave 2 boys full reign to act as parents. Went as far as to say my older brother, by 4 years was like a father figure. I had a father whom I saw almost every day. She even had my brother try to help me with the basic things she was supposed to teach us. It's how I got gingivitis at 8 years old. My brothers are good people, no thanks to my mom, but they have a lot of complexes because she treated them like grown men instead of kids. Their lives are difficult, and while I was neglected, I rather take that than the childhood they had.
Load More Replies...
s. vitkovitsky 3 years ago
These teen Tik Tokers are all so wise! Why do people bother reading books or getting a higher education when the answer to all your deep issues is right there at your fingertips!? They don't even need credentials, we can see them talking at us, and that's good enough proof of expertise!
Viviane 3 years ago (edited)
Suzy Sypert has a Master's Degree and works as a counselor. As for her age: according to https://suzysypert.com/about/ she got married in 2008 after two years of dating. That should make her 15 years old today. Of course, we're assuming she started dating in infancy and got married at two years old. Joking aside, you're right to approach Tik Tok with some healthy skepticism. However, you might want to base the sarcasm on a bit more than blanket assumptions.
Load More Replies... 
Not A Panda 3 years ago
How do you reckon that someone who has a good healthy relationship with their partner must therefore be neglecting all their other relationships? Are you not capable of carrying on multiple healthy relationships perhaps?
Load More Replies...
Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
Please read up on triangulation dynamics in psychology. It's documented, studied, and accepted theory on inter-personal relationships.
Load More Replies...
Viviane 3 years ago
I've previously heard the term "emotional incest". A parent uses a child for their emotional needs. One case I've known: a mother (married to the father) started confiding in and venting to her daughter from the time the daughter was 11. The girl felt guilty that she couldn't solve her mother's problems. It's such a breach of boundaries to turn one's child into one's confidante.
Ash Trash 3 years ago
So when talking to your children, explain the situation, but rely on a spouse/close friend for emotional needs.
Load More Replies... Martha Meyer 3 years ago
Hmm, as the child of a single mother with dad only in the picture on weekends, I think there is a larger spectrum than just these two options. I was definitely closer to my mother than other kids my age who had both parents at home, but I don't feel she used me as her emotional trash bin. I also know a friend where I feel both parents totally overfocused on him beyond childhood in a way he eventually found suffocating. Still, very interesting food for thought!
Imitating 3 years ago
I think that just means you just didn't see your mom's third point of support - her emotional support point not being your dad anymore, she may have utilized another family member or friend(s). I also only saw my dad a few times a year and so was closer to my mom, but my mom was very intentional not to turn me into her support system. I was very loved, but allowed to still be a child.
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
Read up on triangulation dynamics in psychology. Any group of three will have two go against one, is the general idea of it. And it will apply to "groups" within a larger group. For example, mom-family vs dad-family vs the kids.
H Edwards 3 years ago
I remember an adult warning me as a kid that groups of three friends can be tricky. It's something I have always found to be true, and I'm sure I have avoided some potentially hurtful situations simply because I've always been hyper-aware of the dynamic whenever I have been part of a group of three.
Load More Replies... Matt Burke 3 years ago
My family is healthy.. It's me and my boys. Im not emotionally inimate with their mom because she's not really in the picture. Dont' love youre vision of a healthy family as an 'intact' hetero-sexual couple.
Sky Render 3 years ago
Now when it gets really messed up is when one partner refuses to be emotionally attached to the children and only defines themselves by their relationship with their partner. That's when you get a situation where any emotional attachment to the children is taken as an imposition. That tends to lead to a lot of unhappy families and divorces.
Chaos&Roses 3 years ago (edited)
I feel like there are two sides to this. As a parent, I feel it's important to show your kids emotions and help them learn that not every adult is the perfect person. In reality the triangle has all equal sides. Children should be involved in helping emotionally support struggling parents. Sharing the burden of emotional needs teaches a child a larger capacity for understanding and empathy and how grown relationships work (age appropriate) Alot of this psychology works in theory, and the practice has shown our young ones are coming into adulthood with no understanding of how adult emotions work because we've been so careful to shelter them from anything that might upset them. Psychology is great if you fit into that compartment, but it leaves you feeling completely disfunctional in a world of people appearing to be "normal" if you don't fit
Viviane 3 years ago
I have no issue with parents admitting to making mistakes, since that can help teach children than one can recover from mistakes. Because of my family's issues, I'm on the fence about "Children should be involved in helping emotionally support struggling parents". How would that work in practice? What would be appropriate for different ages/personalities/abilities? Do you have examples? I want to make sure I'm understanding what you mean, as my childhood experiences may be getting in the way of that.
Load More Replies... blugeagua 3 years ago
She was actually another person dealing with a situation and was giving an example of what she heard.
Load More Replies... Rissie 3 years ago
I'm not feeling the triangle at all. Support systems are usually way larger than that. When it comes to emotional support, I wouldn't even put a child in it to begin with. A child in the emotional support triangle is unhealthy. They should rely on you, not the other way around, it is NOT an equal relationship at all. So no, this triangle is just a terrible visual element to explain a point.
Allen John 3 years ago (edited)
I dislike the fact the tiktok doesn't allow users to switch off the mirror view when recording with the front facing camera. It is annoys me to see text and numbers mirrored.
Jennifer Briscese 3 years ago
I did a paper on this issue in grad school using the television show "Everybody Loves Raymond" as a example of unhealthy triangulation. Raymond was triangulated with his mother who had a emotionally withholding husband. The mother repeatedly tries to come between Raymond and his wife. For more information look up Bowen's family systems theory.
Della Greymane 3 years ago
So basically f*ck all us single parents since we can't have a healthy triangle?
ChloeClementine 3 years ago
No, she's saying don't use your kids as a substitute spouse. My parents had a terrible marriage, mom used my 2 brothers as a substitute husband. Because she had them do things for her, she gave 2 boys full reign to act as parents. Went as far as to say my older brother, by 4 years was like a father figure. I had a father whom I saw almost every day. She even had my brother try to help me with the basic things she was supposed to teach us. It's how I got gingivitis at 8 years old. My brothers are good people, no thanks to my mom, but they have a lot of complexes because she treated them like grown men instead of kids. Their lives are difficult, and while I was neglected, I rather take that than the childhood they had.
Load More Replies... s. vitkovitsky 3 years ago
These teen Tik Tokers are all so wise! Why do people bother reading books or getting a higher education when the answer to all your deep issues is right there at your fingertips!? They don't even need credentials, we can see them talking at us, and that's good enough proof of expertise!
Viviane 3 years ago (edited)
Suzy Sypert has a Master's Degree and works as a counselor. As for her age: according to https://suzysypert.com/about/ she got married in 2008 after two years of dating. That should make her 15 years old today. Of course, we're assuming she started dating in infancy and got married at two years old. Joking aside, you're right to approach Tik Tok with some healthy skepticism. However, you might want to base the sarcasm on a bit more than blanket assumptions.
Load More Replies... Not A Panda 3 years ago
How do you reckon that someone who has a good healthy relationship with their partner must therefore be neglecting all their other relationships? Are you not capable of carrying on multiple healthy relationships perhaps?
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
Please read up on triangulation dynamics in psychology. It's documented, studied, and accepted theory on inter-personal relationships.
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