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“Guys Who Got Told ‘No’ During A Failed Marriage Proposal, What Happened Afterwards?” (30 Answers)
Interview With Expert
In many long-term relationships, at some point someone will start to think about marriage. Everyone has different standards, but more often than not, it’s pretty usual for one party to get down on one knee and propose.
Someone asked “Guys who got told “No” during a failed marriage proposal, what happened afterwards?” and people shared their stories. We got in touch with renowned clinical psychologist, host of The Reimaging Love Podcast and author of Love Every Day, Dr. Alexandra Solomon, to learn more about things to think about in serious relationships.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
My wife told me no twice before saying yes. The first time she said “you’re drunk” I was, point taken. The second time she replied “I love you and like dating you but you’re not emotionally mature enough to marry”. Indeed. I cut back my drinking and worked on my emotional maturity / mental health. We’ve been married over 20yrs now.
#2
It was rough! We cried together in the car on the way home. She loved me but she wasn’t ready. We talked about it in the following days, it felt like a setback but (looking back) it was actually a springboard to a deeper level of communication.
2 years later she gave an enthusiastic “yes” and now we have a beautiful baby girl and 6 years of happy marriage.
#3
Technically she said yes. But then we went to surprise her family with the good news and her parents immediately told us to break it off. She was not going to spend her entire remaining life with a black man. We just broke up and moved on. I found a way better girl from a non-racist family. We’re married with 3 kids now and doing great. Ex is a d**g addict in Kentucky, BUT AT LEAST she’s married to a white man. Living paycheck to paycheck.
CrunChewy McSandybutt 4 months ago
Oof. That's gotta be extremely painful. I'm glad things worked out for OP. If the girl ended up a drúg addict, I have to believe that there was some awful abuse happening in that family.
Bored Panda got in touch with Dr. Alexandra Solomon renowned clinical psychologist, host of The Reimaging Love Podcast and author of Love Every Day to learn more about what people need to really consider before committing to a long-term relationship.
“Committing to a long-term relationship requires what I refer to as Relational Self-Awareness, an ongoing curious and compassionate relationship you cultivate with yourself which becomes the foundation for a thriving intimate relationship. Deepening your Relational Self-Awareness enables you to recognize and better understand the thoughts and feelings you’re having about your relationship and then communicate clearly and kindly with your partner about what is going on for you.”
#4
If a girl says no to a proposal the guy should have known better than to ask.
A good friend of mine, who was only 19 at the time, heard from her parents that her boyfriend of about 4 months was going to propose at midnight on New Years in front of her entire family. She was terrified and didn't want to say yes, but her parents were super insanely strict and threatened to throw her out of the house if she didn't say yes. I called her (I was drunk) at 11:58 and kept her on the phone for about 10 minutes telling her bad jokes and getting every single person at the party I was at to say HNY to her. Ruined the moment for the guy, and he never asked. Ooops I ruined New Years Eve 1991 for Kevin. Oh we've been married for 28 years now.
Nina 4 months ago
Why on earth would her parents want her to say yes? They had only been together for 4 months, why would you force your child into that? There is no mention of a pregnancy, which some people would think a valid reason, so parents being super strict just doesn't make sense to me.
#5
So for my other half s 30th I phoned her and said "do you want an engagement ring or a dishwasher".
She chose the dishwasher.
14 years later we are still together :)
In her defence I had always been very anti-marriage and she thought I was joking. Also washing dishes by hand sucks so I think she made the right choice.
#6
Not the guy here, but the nay-sayer. He had just finished a 1000 mile solo cycling tour and I met him at the finish. I was so caught up in his achievement that I did not see the proposal coming and I was shocked. So I told him right there: "I love you, but I can't give you an answer right now". Of course there were tears and we both called family members and then continued on our planned holiday. We had such a good time on our holidays and were able to enjoy each other's company like normal. So I figured that if we can handle this bump in the road this well, we are a great team and at the end of the holiday I told him I would love to marry him. That was 7 years ago, and I haven't regretted my decision for a second. I simply needed time to process a life-changing choice and my partner was mature enough to understand this.
BewilderedBanana 4 months ago
Definite relationship goals (the maturity and understanding, not necessarily the getting married bit)
“Being able to give and receive feedback is a crucial skill for long-term relationship success! While there are so many considerations for someone as they create a long-term relationship, what is most important is to understand that excitement about this new chapter in your life likely sits alongside some sadness about saying goodbye to your single chapter. Transitions are emotionally stirring, even transitions that we choose and are excited about. Creating a “we” requires accommodation, flexibility, and adaptation.”
#7
We'd been joking around about it for months, I'd ask sarcastically in the most un-romantic way. She'd say no, we'd laugh and move on with our day...
I'd apparently conditioned her so well that when I asked for real, she flippantly turned me down, and everyone around me either gasped or got this real awkward look on their face. She changed her tune s**t quick when she actually looked and saw me holding the ring.
We've been married 17 years now. Good times.
#8
My mom's boyfriend proposed to her three months into dating. She was 40, had one disastrous marriage and subsequent divorce under her belt by that time, and felt like it was too soon in the relationship to be talking marriage. He accepted her No, but said he wouldn't ask again, and he hasn't. They've been together 25+ years now and never married.
#9
Not a guy, but I set things up to be perfect, the two of us totally alone at sunset on a Sicilian beach, and he said no out of pure shock. He'd always expected that it would be him asking me not the other way round.
Then his brain kind of caught up with what was going on and he was horrified at himself for just saying "no" like that. He told me of course he wanted to marry me and he hadn't meant no as in he didn't want to marry me, it was more like "no way did you just ask me that"! But it came out wrong.
We both agreed that this wasn't the proposal we'd both want to remember forever, so we'd do it again properly some other time. 9 months later he proposed to me on my birthday in one of my favourite spots. To his relief I didn't say no, and we've now been married 10 years.
BewilderedBanana 4 months ago
Should have said no just to mess with him and even the score :) Then get married anyway
She shared some questions that one must really answer to himself honestly before taking a step as “big” as marriage. “What am I most excited about regarding this relationship? What parts of my “old life” might I miss the most? When I need to give my partner feedback or ask for something I need, what do I need to keep in mind or remember? For example, ask before I feel angry and resentful, let my partner know why doing this for me or with me would mean a lot to me, remember that my partner and I are on the same team, remember that my partner also has feelings and needs, try to figure out an “third option” beyond my way or my partner’s way that honors each of us.”
#10
I said no because he was an addict (I was not but I was young n dumb). He “showed me” by running out and marrying an Asian woman with 2 kids six months later. She used him for a green card and he adopted her kids so now he has to pay her child support. I learned this because his MOM came by my parents home to “catch up.” My mom said it was beyond awkward. I broke up with this fool when I was 17 and she was trying to reconnect us. Bruh, I’m 34 happily married and we have 4 kids. Kick rocks.
#11
Not my story, but told from our jeweler when we were buying our wedding bands…
So a guy comes in to buy an engagement ring. The jeweler sits down with him to talk about design, cost, and what have you. Our jeweler always asks people about how they are going to propose. She likes to share in the excitement. The guy brags about how he is going to propose to his gf at a ball game. On the big screen in front of the entire stadium while his favorite team plays. As the guy is speaking our jeweler notices that everything is centered around the guy. From the ring, to the proposal. No mention of what his gf likes. Our jeweler gets a bad feeling, but she sells him the ring.
Not long after the guy comes back in with the ring. The gf said no which really didn’t surprise the jeweler.
#12
Not a guy but a girl, I asked my boyfriend to marry me. I didn't do a whole scene about it, we were talking and I said that I wanted to get married and I felt ready for it and he just said no.
I was mad, he had never mentioned this and we've talked about it before. All he had ever said was that he didn't want it cause it was expensive and didn't want a big party and so, in my understanding, we would get married at the courthouse and have a small gathering with family and close friends.
Then I found out he didn't want to get married cause his parents had a divorce and he didn't want to go through that
It took a while to unravel all his issues with marriage. At a certain point I said I'm not gonna wait around with a guy that doesn't want to get married, I had always been very clear about wanting to get married. He disagreed and said I've also mentioned that I didn't want a big wedding. I'm like...wut?
We realised we were both talking about different things. He had put together marriage and the wedding and I wasn't.
Still obviously it wasn't solved right then and there. I gave him some time to think. After like a month I came back to the subject and he asked me why I wanted to get married and I talked about all the laws that protect the couple in the eventuality of disease and death, in owning property, in security if we had children, etc. He suddenly just said "oh I didn't know about that, then yeah we'll get married then"
We've been happily married for 5 years. Almost everyday he says he's so happy being married to me and that his wedding day was one of the happiest of his life.
“In a relationship, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Your stuff plus my stuff equals our stuff: this is what I like to refer to as The Golden Equation of Love. This means all of “your stuff,” from your Family of Origin, your previous relationships, and your past experiences, it all comes with you into your relationship. Because a long-term relationship requires vulnerability and trust, your relationship will stir up stuff from the past.”
#13
Asked this girl to marry me and she said no because I didn't ask her right. I don't know exactly why, but it didn't bother me much. We had a strange history and it just seemed like par for the course. About a year later, I met someone else and we will be celebrating 31 years in a few weeks. Sometimes things do work out for the best.
#14
I am a woman, but I spent a year asking my boyfriend to marry me on a regular basis. I’d say “wanna get married?” And he’d say yes, and I’d say “can I tell my parents?” And he’d say no. A straight up year. Until finally we went on a little trip a couple hours from our apartment and he whipped out the letters he’d exchanged with my parents about wanting to propose. Just had our 6th anniversary.
#15
Proposed to her at 22. She said no. We stayed friendly while life took us on different paths. About twenty five years later, we got married.
“The strongest relationships are the ones in which partners can open up to each other about the beautiful and tender parts of their stories. This is the heart of intimacy. Our past is not something for our partner to fix but it is something our partners need to understand. It is also helpful for you to understand your partner’s past so that their preferences and fears make sense to you.”
#16
You just have to hug her and high-five her a several times over, and ask again. Works like charm in The Sims.
#17
Dated for 3 years. He was, I thought the love of my life. I locked eyes with him and as I was about to open my mouth and say “will you marry me” he said “we need to break up”. He met some one else. They have been married for two years and it turns out I’m into women. We DO NOT speak but I wish him the best.
#18
I can tell you what happens when you propose and she isn't feeling it but says yes anyway because of social pressure - very awkward sad time until you finally have the talk you should have had before proposing.
#19
My dad proposed to my mom 3 times. She laughed each time and took the ring all 3 of them. They have been living miserably together ever since (I’m 31 now) they built a separate living room and avoid each other. My dad says he regrets it to this day.
My dad is a wonderful man, and every time I asked why he stayed with that retched woman he would say “because she’s your mother” he never goes into any more detail.
If she says no just move on.
#20
I got proposed to in a full restaurant by hiding the ring in deserts... he even hired a photographer. I said yes due to pressure, and then when we got in the car, I said no because we're were only dating for about 2 weeks. He did not take it lightly, and then he assaulted me.. so yeah, never again saying yes due to pressure.
BewilderedBanana 4 months ago
Surprise public proposals are bad enough, but ending in assault? and after dating for just 2 weeks? Guy needs a reality check. Castration would also help
#21
She was graduating with her Masters, I still had two years left for my PhD.
I floated the idea privately,... she said "If you ask me formally, I will say yes. But if you really love me, give me a year to prove to myself that I can live on my own."
I said "No problem."
She moved to her job, down in New Jersey. Next I heard of her, she was engaged to another guy I knew.
I took that as "another bullet dodged, another life lesson learned.".
#22
My wife said yes but I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop up until the wedding day. She had rejected two men before me on marriage proposals and had told me she was a bit of a commitment phobe. Her matron of honor slept over the night before the wedding and slept by the front door to make sure my wife didn’t leave during the night and if she did, to call me and let me know what happened so I could enact my backup plan.
I had a backup plan in case she pulled a runner at the ceremony. She almost didn’t go in on the day of. I was prepared just in case.
Then she showed up, we got married and just celebrated our ten year anniversary. She still breaks out in hives and has mini freak outs when she realizes how long we’ve been together despite having two kids, a house, mortgage etc.
For those of you guys dealing with commitment phobes, tell them what you’ve got planned. I let my wife know months ahead of time that I was planning on proposing and gained insights that if I were going to do it, that it had to be a certain way. Never propose in public unless your girlfriend is into that. Also make sure that if you are going to propose, she’s aware and that you know with certainty that’s what she wants.
Communicate people. It isn’t that hard.
#23
I realized ten seconds later that she actually said "You know I will." And she's just really quiet when she talks.
#24
HS sweethearts, off and on again through college and after. 9 years in total. Planned a trip and as we were leaving, she said, "I hope you aren't going to ask me to marry you." Ring stayed in the bag and tried to enjoy the awkward trip. I was pretty devastated.
She got married to someone about 6 months after that (I know).
A few years later I met someone with whom I understood what a relationship should be. I traded in the original ring and have been married for 19 years now. Both she and my 2 kids are amazing, and I'm super thankful things worked out how they did.
#25
I'm not a man (bi f), but proposed to my gf at the time. Tbf there were a lot of complicating factors in our relationship, but regardless I was head over heels in love with her and wanted to marry her.
She said no. Our relationship continued for about a year, me hoping that she would come around to wanting to marry me. We had... oof too many conversations about the seriousness of our relationship and each time she would say "why can't you just get over it?" (meaning me asking her to marry me).
I eventually ended it when I finally realized that she just didn't love me the way I did her and that I deserved better. Unfortunately that took longer than it should have to realize, but I'm one that if things end between us, then *it's fully over.* And I didn't want to do it prematurely.
Everything worked out well though. My now husband asked me to marry him, and we've been happy almost 10 years now.
#26
Not my own experience, but I was in the restaurant when a failed proposal happened.
Somehow the guy was able to get the families involved in this fancy dinner without the girl’s knowledge as to what was going to happen. He orders their drinks, where he had the ring cleaned and then placed at the bottom of her pina colada drink. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and that’s when some of her family moved in close with their cameras/phones ready for the proposal. She comes back and the drinks are brought. She refuses the drink.. much to his dismay. But doesn’t get the hint. She DOESN’T WANT IT. “You should have your drink, it’s really good.” She again says NO. This goes on, back and forth. Finally she says no and is disturbed by his pushy behavior. I hear this from my table, “I can’t marry someone who won’t respect my boundaries.” She gets up and walks out of the restaurant. The guy sits there waiting for her to “cool” off. She doesn’t come back in. So he fishes out the ring and has the drinks taken away. She comes back in near the end and he shows her the ring tells her it was in the drink. And she slaps him and says no. This time she is angry and leaves. Everyone packs up and heads to pay. He just sits there by himself. I wanted to get up and say something, but my date was ready to go home.
#27
My 7th grade teacher brought his gf to school to propose to her in front of our entire class and she said no it was the topic of discussion almost every day that year nbs he ended up moving schools at the end of the year.
Penguin Panda Pop 4 months ago
I'm not sure in which country they let teachers bring randoms in, but ok.
#28
Was with a girl for a couple years. I started talking about getting married. She was up for it but kinda distant about it. I take her out ring shopping and she breaks down. Tells me she can’t marry me.
I was really confused I thought things were going great. Turns out I was just the guy taking care of her until her Ex gets out of prison.
I paid for her schooling helped her get off d***s. We were looking at houses. I thought we were making a life together.
She left me not long after that. He got out of prison a few months later. She went back to stripping. I ran into them a few times. I guess she’s happy.
#29
I had a foreign student at my university, I’d only spoken to on the phone a few times, and whom **I’d never met** call my *father* on Christmas morning of my Freshman year. He asked my dad for my hand in marriage. They talked for ages, and my stupid father said yes! He was so out of touch with my life, he assumed the guy was my boyfriend. My dad thought I’d be thrilled, the idiot.
Ample Aardvark 4 months ago
How does someone you only spoke with a few times get hold of your parents number?
#30
I got everything ready and she said “no, at least not right now”. And it sorta muted the rest of the weekend. Several people heard I was gonna ask and congratulated me the next week… it was surreal informing them she said no.
It should have been a wake up call to just end it there, but neither of us wanted to. We were our first everything and we had a lot of history. I guess I thought it would just work out, but her reservations on being married at that time never really went away. I admitted that both of us wanted exclusive things- our lives were headed towards opposite directions, And compromise just meant someone was going to be resentful.
When we started dating, both of us really helped each other out in a lot of areas and through some really challenging times. But we learned (later on) that things that were great then may not be great now. Both of us were good people, but some things just have a lifespan. We got what we needed and it was time for the next phase of our lives… alone.
A huge part of successful marriages requires compromise on small issues. But some issues have no compromise. Its ok to fight for things if theres a way that both of you can get what you want, and theres no shame in letting things go if theres nothing more than can be done
We broke up 7 or so months later. Restarting life (for what was the second time for me) was tough because I was also going through a lot of othet things and she wasnt able to be there anymore. The same thing was happening on her end, so it just kinda ended there.
We both dated other people and got married to others eventually. So in the super longer term, it was all ok.
What do you think ?
Michael Largey 4 months ago (edited)
The number of people who should witness your proposal should be the same number that will witness your wedding night. And for the same reason.
Load More Replies...
Salty_Sasquatch 4 months ago
My husband proposed to me on top of the Space Needle (in Seattle) at sunset, when we could see the lights coming up in the city and the ferries all lit up going across the water.
Shark Lady 4 months ago
My dad had a little too much Dutch courage when he proposed to my mum. He was so drunk that my mum called him the next day to check that he really meant it.
kansasmagic 4 months ago
One piece of advice that I can offer: If someone is drunk when they propose, the only correct answer is "ask me again when you are sober".
Load More Replies... Lady Vader 4 months ago
I was the proposee. He asked, I said no. It shouldn't have been a surprise because we were broken up at the time but still friends. I was in my mid-twenties (too young to think of settling down), I wasn't religious, and I didn't want kids. So while we loved each other, it was never going to work. Super awkward drive home from the restaurant and we didn't speak for a long time. We re-connected as friends and years later he met HER, his true match. I was so thrilled for both of them and ended up being a groomswoman in their wedding. Fifteen years later, they are still happily married and have a beautiful family, I'm still happily single, and everything worked out the way it was supposed to.
Vincent Philippart 4 months ago
This whole proposal thing is another weird american obsession around mariage. Mariage should be a serious conversation, not some kind of emotionnal circus. And it's so sexist too. The man getting down on his knee, exposing himself (and his ring) to the judgement of the woman... it's all a bit degrading.
kansasmagic 4 months ago
Hollywood has conditioned too many people to believe that a big, public, impetuous proposal is the way to go. NO. *Talk* about it first. Unless you *know* that your partner feels the same way about marriage - as well as children, parenting, where to live, etc. A proposal is just an overture to a wedding ceremony, which is just an overture to possibly *decades* of sharing your life with another person (and likely their family, and possibly children). The proposal is not an end in itself. I'm fairly confident that almost every one of these "failures" could have been avoided if people had only talked about it beforehand.
Rosgrana 4 months ago
I don’t get the big “proposal” thing. “I have taken as long as I need to think this over, decide it’s what I want to do, and you now have about eight seconds to make the same decision before you look like an a**e for not answering. Unless we’re in public. Then you’ll look like an a**e if you do anything but gush “Oh yes!” and hug me.” If you’ve discussed it and decided to get married, then you’re engaged, no “proposal” necessary, and staging one is fake and pointless. If you haven’t, then for Pete’s sake do that, instead of ambushing your partner with a huge question they aren’t prepared for.
Rebecca Taylor 3 months ago
my huband and i new the day we met it was right, he never offiicially proposed . He did ask my dad if he could marry me. Ididn't know that. We had a long distant relationship and afer 3 months we wet the wedding date for theww months later. After knowing him 6 month our friends thought we were going to fast. We were married 37 years and36 day when he died 01/04/24. I think public proposals shoulld only be to surprise th family. I brlirve you should know before or it is like shaming one who says no an embarrasing the one asking. Our marrage was a very sweet one and I wanted to have longer with him,, for he was mmy best friend abd my other half.
Rebecca Taylor 3 months ago
forgive my spelling errors i got to emotional and did't spell check
Load More Replies...
Jen Hart 4 months ago
My husband and I were walking around in a nice city park that had lots of mature oaks. It was early fall, and squirrels were busy! He kinda pulled me off the path to the other side of a tree... the whole time, I thought he wanted to point out a cute squirrel or something 😄 That's when he proposed, and I accepted. He didn't have a ring (we were broke college kids), but it didn't matter. We've recently passed 27 years of marriage ❤️
Michael Largey 4 months ago (edited)
The number of people who should witness your proposal should be the same number that will witness your wedding night. And for the same reason.
Load More Replies... Salty_Sasquatch 4 months ago
My husband proposed to me on top of the Space Needle (in Seattle) at sunset, when we could see the lights coming up in the city and the ferries all lit up going across the water.
Shark Lady 4 months ago
My dad had a little too much Dutch courage when he proposed to my mum. He was so drunk that my mum called him the next day to check that he really meant it.
kansasmagic 4 months ago
One piece of advice that I can offer: If someone is drunk when they propose, the only correct answer is "ask me again when you are sober".
Load More Replies... Lady Vader 4 months ago
I was the proposee. He asked, I said no. It shouldn't have been a surprise because we were broken up at the time but still friends. I was in my mid-twenties (too young to think of settling down), I wasn't religious, and I didn't want kids. So while we loved each other, it was never going to work. Super awkward drive home from the restaurant and we didn't speak for a long time. We re-connected as friends and years later he met HER, his true match. I was so thrilled for both of them and ended up being a groomswoman in their wedding. Fifteen years later, they are still happily married and have a beautiful family, I'm still happily single, and everything worked out the way it was supposed to.
Vincent Philippart 4 months ago
This whole proposal thing is another weird american obsession around mariage. Mariage should be a serious conversation, not some kind of emotionnal circus. And it's so sexist too. The man getting down on his knee, exposing himself (and his ring) to the judgement of the woman... it's all a bit degrading.
kansasmagic 4 months ago
Hollywood has conditioned too many people to believe that a big, public, impetuous proposal is the way to go. NO. *Talk* about it first. Unless you *know* that your partner feels the same way about marriage - as well as children, parenting, where to live, etc. A proposal is just an overture to a wedding ceremony, which is just an overture to possibly *decades* of sharing your life with another person (and likely their family, and possibly children). The proposal is not an end in itself. I'm fairly confident that almost every one of these "failures" could have been avoided if people had only talked about it beforehand.
Rosgrana 4 months ago
I don’t get the big “proposal” thing. “I have taken as long as I need to think this over, decide it’s what I want to do, and you now have about eight seconds to make the same decision before you look like an a**e for not answering. Unless we’re in public. Then you’ll look like an a**e if you do anything but gush “Oh yes!” and hug me.” If you’ve discussed it and decided to get married, then you’re engaged, no “proposal” necessary, and staging one is fake and pointless. If you haven’t, then for Pete’s sake do that, instead of ambushing your partner with a huge question they aren’t prepared for.
Rebecca Taylor 3 months ago
my huband and i new the day we met it was right, he never offiicially proposed . He did ask my dad if he could marry me. Ididn't know that. We had a long distant relationship and afer 3 months we wet the wedding date for theww months later. After knowing him 6 month our friends thought we were going to fast. We were married 37 years and36 day when he died 01/04/24. I think public proposals shoulld only be to surprise th family. I brlirve you should know before or it is like shaming one who says no an embarrasing the one asking. Our marrage was a very sweet one and I wanted to have longer with him,, for he was mmy best friend abd my other half.
Rebecca Taylor 3 months ago
forgive my spelling errors i got to emotional and did't spell check
Load More Replies... Jen Hart 4 months ago
My husband and I were walking around in a nice city park that had lots of mature oaks. It was early fall, and squirrels were busy! He kinda pulled me off the path to the other side of a tree... the whole time, I thought he wanted to point out a cute squirrel or something 😄 That's when he proposed, and I accepted. He didn't have a ring (we were broke college kids), but it didn't matter. We've recently passed 27 years of marriage ❤️
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