Whether or not you change your name after getting married is a personal decision. Some folks love the idea of taking their spouse’s surname. Others join both last names with a handy hyphen. Still, others want to keep their old name because it’s a core part of their identity, and they’re attached to it. But what do you do if you’ve changed your last name and now you’ve gotten divorced?

Redditor u/ThrowRAHappyLiving recently went viral on the r/AITAH online group after opening up about a very delicate situation. Her ex-husband, who recently got engaged again, is now pressuring her to change her last name, years after their divorce. Read on for the story in full. Bored Panda has reached out to the author via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.

Even when some couples get divorced, they might decide to keep their surnames unchanged

Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)

One woman shared how her ex is now suddenly pressuring her to give up her last name

Image credits: Max Fischer / pexels (not the actual photo)

Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)

Image credits: ThrowRAHappyLiving

The ex seemed to be in a rush to make his new fiancée happy no matter what

The author of the story pointed out that she’s had her (now ex) husband’s last name for the past 17 years. It would be a shock for anyone if they were suddenly forced to change their name after nearly two decades.

After so much time, it’s become a core part of your identity: you’ve probably built your social life and career around it. So, it seems unfair to suddenly demand someone make the change. It’s doubly unfair if there’s a written agreement that they can keep the last name after the divorce, like in u/ThrowRAHappyLiving’s case.

What adds even more tension to the entire conflict is that it appears like the ex-husband is putting the feelings of his fiancée over those of the mother of his three children. Divorces do not have to be messy or petty: both ex-partners can be respectful and civil toward each other.

It seems like the new fiancée is making some unreasonable demands as a way of showing that she’s in control of the situation. Though it’s understandable that someone might feel intimidated by their partner’s ex, this doesn’t make it all right to intentionally disrupt their life out of fear, anger, or jealousy.

Or, to put it bluntly, the world won’t stop spinning if there are two women with the same surname. It’s perfectly possible to have a happy, healthy, and meaningful romantic life even when your partner’s ex shares the same name.

Sure, it might be a tad awkward when the entire family gets together during the holidays at first, but it’s nothing a bit of lighthearted humor and a dash of good manners can’t help with. Having the same last name is only a problem if you let it become one.

Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto / pexels (not the actual photo)

Getting divorced doesn’t necessarily mean becoming enemies

Generally speaking, when a couple gets divorced, it’s a good idea to talk about whether or not it would be all right for the person to keep their partner’s surname if they’d changed it. It’s a respectful thing to do, and it shows a willingness to compromise, no matter the decision.

However, once the decision is made, that’s pretty much that. It’s incredibly messy to demand your ex to change their surname back after years and years have passed. It only creates unnecessary drama and is going to hurt a lot of feelings. You should stick to whatever decision you made at the time of the divorce… especially if you got it formalized in writing.

Amicable divorces are certainly possible, but they require a lot of effort from both spouses. Divorces are very emotionally charged in and of themselves. As we’ve covered on Bored Panda earlier, it’s vital for the couple to communicate without blaming each other.

Another important factor is to avoid using one’s children as ‘pawns’ in the divorce. “Remember that they need to be able to love both of you,” a representative from the UK-based relationship support provider ‘Relate’ told us during an earlier interview.

“Creating clear boundaries is another important aspect of the process. Just because you’re parting ways doesn’t mean everything has to be a battleground. Lastly, consider seeking help from a counselor or mediator. You don’t have to do it alone,” they said.

“If an ex-partner is trying to cause emotional or financial harm during or after the divorce proceedings, the ‘right’ way to respond is to protect yourself both emotionally and legally. Furthermore, establish strong support networks among friends, family, or support groups who have experienced similar situations. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, lean on others, and accept their care.”

Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)

The author of the viral story shared some additional context in the comments

Most readers were very supportive of the woman. Here’s what they said

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