To judge someone by their intentions instead of judging them by their actions. My dad taught me this when I was a little kid. He’s a big “Tinkerer” as he calls himself. He loves doing projects, almost to the likes of Doc Brown. I was maybe 7-8 and my dad was working on a clock. He had got this really old clock, maybe from the 1800s, and was going to stick it inside of an old wagon wheel from the the 1700s. He’d taken it apart and had everything set up, took him a few days to do so. I went into the garage when he wasn’t home and decided to get the project started for him because he’s my dad and I love him.

Ended up dropping everything. The gears in the clock spilled out and the wagon wheel broke apart. He came home and asked what happened and I told him I dropped it while I was trying to start the project. He just exhaled and cleaned it up. I wasn’t punished or anything. A few years later I asked him why because I would’ve been pissed if my kid did that to my project, the clock and wheel were easy a few hundred dollars. His reasoning, why would I punish you when you were just trying to help. I use this constantly in my life. Recently when my kids used a sharpie on the wall to write about how much they love me and when my girlfriend kills my tomato plants because she trimmed them too much since I wasn’t able to due to working extra shifts at work.

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Gémeaux jumeaux

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why would I punish you when you were just trying to help <3

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When something s****y happens, I tell myself 'there's no bad days'. Like basically hey, this one thing sucked, but no day is inherently bad, and you only think it is cuz you don't always notice the stuff that goes right- you didn't spill coffee all over yourself in the gas station this morning, you didn't lose your wallet or keys leaving the house. Every day can have bad moments, but one thing doesnt represent a whole day. Idk, i kind of realized that the moment you tell yourself you're having a bad day, you focus on and overemphasize every minor inconvenience or small mishap, and put yourself in a s****y mood over a few little things. Don't let stupid s**t kill your vibe, no bad days.

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Aroace tiger (she/they/he)

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I need to work on this

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I keep telling myself that people would miss me if I was gone. That little life hack has prevented me from ending it on many occasions.

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Andrei Marentette

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OMG, I'm so sorry and I've been there as well. If you need to talk, pls let me know.

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Mine involves job interviews (software contractor, interviewing frequently for new gigs). Having done a little stage acting in the past, I learned to reframe interviews and get into a character. In my version I already work there and am returning from a sabbatical. It's going to be great to get back and see my old friends again. It's a really fantastic group, we get along great, working there is a blast, we love our boss, etc.

So instead of studying interview questions like I'm cramming for an exam and then walking in feeling like it's an exam, I would google streetview the building, so when I get there it feels like I've been there before. Walking into their office feels like coming home. I'm genuinely glad to see everybody, totally comfortable with the situation. This attitude comes through when we meet, and when you feel comfortable with people they feel comfortable with you. The whole cultural fit thing falls right into place, which I think is a major factor in interviews. I'm actually retired now, but I had a very high success rate and I give a lot of credit to this approach.

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Gémeaux jumeaux

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So cool, one of the 'mind manipulation' examples that actually doesn't seem manipulative at all, only win-win for everyone

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Instead of using willpower to resist junkfood, I've stopped feeling compelled to eat it by just internalizing that it causes more instances of pain than pleasure.

Every time I bend over to pick up something and feel my fat stomach, there's a pang of guilt and disgust. It happens every time I sit down for any reason and feel my gut protruding. Passing a mirror causes it. Every morning shower I mortar myself with that feeling.

Being overweight is an ever present cloud of self-disgust for me, and for some reason I choose to feel that all of the time for a fast food meal that feels good for five to twenty-five minutes and then f*****g evaporates. Immediately afterward I'm aimless seeking another pointless ephemeral distraction. It makes about as much sense as choosing all that self-hatred for a pooping's worth of reddit scrolling, when the craving usually dies with my hunger if I just eat healthy anyway.

If I'm about to eat like s**t, I imagine the moment I'm finished with it, have a sluggish tight gut, and am instantly in need of another vice to replace it. The comfort doesn't last ten seconds after the final bite.

The wrong choice has stopped making sense to me, which feels so much different than forcing myself to make the right choice with willpower, so much easier.

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Gémeaux jumeaux

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Love the honesty, the very humanness of this. Good for OP, working so hard to get out of that old neural pathway that no longer serves them. This is the hard truth of real, lasting change, not some santized '3 steps to a perfect life' article. Down with self-hate.

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Reframing is pretty solid.

Instead of: “my girlfriend dumped me.”

Try: “why would I want to be with a person who treats me this way?

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FakeOptimist

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Make it about you, and that you value yourself instead of a disappointment.

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if in a class room/meeting setting and you suspect someone is watching you, YAWN. Then turn to see if they yawn also. if they do, they've been watching you closely.

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It's_me

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Or, if they don't, they're a psychopath and yawns don't affect them. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-online-secrets/201508/why-psychopaths-are-immune-contagious-yawning

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I’m not naturally great at time management. To combat my tendency of failing to give myself enough time, I put a lot of appointments on my calendar a random interval of time sooner than it’s required. If my doctor appointment is in 2 months, I’ll put down that it’s 45 minutes sooner than it actually is (i.e. 1:15pm instead of 2pm). By the time the day of appt has arrived, I don’t remember whether I tricked myself or not. It helps that I incorporate this change at random and using different intervals of time so I can’t remind myself “oh, I know I have an extra half hour because I always buffer my calendar with 30 minutes to spare.” So I have to trust my calendar and abide by the time it says, just in case old-me was telling the truth this time :)

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Gémeaux jumeaux

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Hahaha, Old-me vs. Me 2.0 hack.

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I don’t assume.

This applies to too many situations to list but here’s a couple. I don’t assume I know what another person is thinking. I don’t assume they’ll make the same decision as me even if they have the same information.

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Glengoolie Blue

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Yeah, like how did 70-million-some people watch the same campaign as I did and then vote for Donald Trump? Don't assume everyone is reasonable.

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I use these at work all the time:

1. When you want someone to respond to a whole bunch of things in an email, number the items. That way when they respond to only a couple items, you can say, "please also give a response to items #4, 7, and 9."
2. If you want a meeting with someone, suggest a time and place. They are more likely to respond to you than to come up with a meeting themselves. This was great when I was in sales and trying to get a meeting with a prospective new client. Sometimes I'd even send them a meeting invitation and say, "please suggest a different time/day if this doesn't work with your schedule."
3. If you need information from someone to make your deadline but you aren't getting the info you need, tell them you can't meet your deadline if you don't get it by a certain date. Then that date becomes a deadline for them. "I need those markups by Tuesday if I'm going to have enough time to finish by the May 13 due date." This works really well if their boss or client is also on the email. Just make sure it's organic and it doesn't appear you copied their boss just to be a jerk. Also, don't do this to your own coworkers.

What these all come down to, is be specific when communicating with people. You can't rely on people to put your needs ahead of their own. So you need to make your needs a part of their needs.

I'm an engineer and I work with architects and other engineers often. It's a collaborative job so there's a lot of moving parts. People often fall into the trap of thinking everybody is working toward your needs but the reality is they have their own deliverables and deadlines.

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Alan Morgan

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#1 ... this works BUT in my experience it is important to severely limit the number of items. You are far more likely to get answers to three questions than ten. I prune my demands ... could I get this from somewhere else? Do I really need this? Which are the three most important requests, and could I ditch the rest or defer them to a later date?

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This is entirely anecdotal, but it's worked for me for years: while walking through bad neighbourhoods, people seem less likely to bother you if you're eating something. I think a lot of it has to do with appearing calm, but I've never had anyone give me a hard time while I'm munching on an apple or banana our whatever. Much safer than fiddling with one's smartphone, anyway. :P

Would love an explanation for this, even if it's just something I've constructed in my own mind.

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*don't fiddle with your phone when walking anywhere, including to and from your car. Look around, stay alert. Get in your car and lock the doors first thing. You'll stave off a lot of attacks by just paying attention and barring access. Shady people go for people not paying attention.

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Taking a late lunch at work.

I find that if i wait and take my lunch break closer to the end of my shift (around 2pm), it makes the days feel shorter/more bearable. Idk why, it just always felt awful taking it in the middle of my shift and having a whole other half to go after i finished lunch.

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Glengoolie Blue

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I've always had jobs where I started really early, but I've always tried to take lunch at noon for that same reason. I'll work six hours before lunch and 2 hours afterward, etc.

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If you have trouble remembering if you've done a daily task, say OUT LOUD that you are doing that task as you do it. I am taking a multivitamin. I am locking the door. I am feeding the dog. It will be easier for you to remember that you did that task because you are using the speech part of your memory.

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Dixie Girl

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I do this when I leave for work and I have had the stove on. I turn it off, look at the dog and tell him I turned the stove off.

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The physical act of smiling has been shown to improve your mood, so I'll often smile or even chuckle to myself over nothing. And I always smile at everyone I meet, as much for my own sake as for theirs.

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Barbara Kelly

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Also saying a quick "Good morning!" (or whatever time of day) to those you pass on the street or interact with before negotiating.

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I have a few ADHD tips that have helped me in life. I see the "10 minute" rule float around on Reddit every now and then, meaning if a task takes less than 10 minutes to complete then go ahead and do it. Another procrastination tip that my psychiatrist told me is if my "plans" don't exist on the face of a clock then they are not actually plans. I can tell myself "I'm gonna do the dishes today" all I want but if I don't make those plans more concrete then they are less likely to actually get done. So I try to say things like "I'm gonna do the dishes at 2:30 today"...I'm not perfect at executing these strategies all the time and that's okay; I do manage to follow them at least some of the time. Even a few successful occurrences help keeps things from piling up too quickly and becoming overwhelming.

On a more interpersonal level, I try to be more mindful with my compliments and actually compliment the person rather than an object. For example, instead of saying "that color looks great on you!" I'll try to say something like "oh wow, that color really makes your eyes sparkle!" or "that color makes you look incredible!"...it shifts the compliment away from the color looking great to the person looking great thanks to that color, if that makes sense.

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Sardonyx_3

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:D

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This is for my toddler.

I’ve tried a bunch of things to get her to do thing. For example I’m trying to wean her off the pacifier.

Tried gentle parenting techniques, pacifier fairy, even hiding some. Nothing.

You know what worked? Pacifiers are for babies, babies don’t get ice cream. Boom, that simple psychological trick got her to give it up.

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OnAFreakingRollercoaster

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Yum ice cream 🤤

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Most applicable thing I learned from doing sales for a few years is the "upfront contract." I use it all the time. Basically get an agreement from whoever you're talking to that they'll do something if you do something before you do that something. Makes everyone way happier.


Super common example: you have a roommate or SO who you live with. The common bathroom and kitchen both need cleaning.


How most people do it:
1) Clean the bathroom
2) Approach SO/roommate and say "hey, I just cleaned the bathroom but the kitchen is still really dirty. Can you clean that?


Your roommate or SO will often hate this. They feel like they're being told to do something that they had no say in, which builds resentment. They will often think things like "the kitchen was way dirtier than the bathroom, you took the easy job" or "the kitchen isn't even that dirty and I'm in the middle of something, what a nag you are."


With an upfront contract:
1) Approach SO/roommate and say "hey, the kitchen and bathroom are dirty. If I clean one will you clean the other?
2) Reach an agreement before acting. Make sure they explicitly agree to do their end. Should be easy (unless they're a jerk, in which case you have bigger problems)
3) Clean what you agreed to clean


With this approach they'll feel like they had input on the plan, and even like you're offering a favor by letting them choose which one to clean. Now if you have to remind them about it, they'll feel more guilt over not holding up their end of the bargain rather than you coming off as a nag. This makes a HUGE difference, and if you think about it, is much more fair than option 1.

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Glengoolie Blue

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Sure, but you'll always get stuck cleaning the toilet.

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When i make any decision i ask myself why i'm making this particular choice. What is my current emotional state. Am i using my mind or emotion to buy this thing or do this? I delay to stabilize my emotional state and then i make the decision. This always helps me to to clarify my values and priorities and more thoughtful and intentional decisions.

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SkekVi

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Oh this is DBT!! It's important to not use only emotion or only mind to make decision, you should balance it as best you can. My mom advises 'sleep on it'--if you want to buy a thing, wait 24 hours to make sure it's not impulsive.

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Apparently mirroring people, like doing similar body movements and using the same words, makes them like you more as they feel more connected to you. Be careful though to not overdo it, because there is a thin line between mirroring and mocking.

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Barbara Kelly

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Very close to chameleon behavior and inauthenticity.

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I always think to myself before interviews or speeches "I'm not nervous, I'm excited" Because it's almost the same brain chemistry.

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And do a power stand! I love power stands 😁

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I try to determine if I can remember any one person’s mistake. Like can I remember their name, what they did, or when it happened?

It’s almost always no, that I can’t remember it. So I then I remind myself it’s ok for me to make mistakes. As long as I don’t KEEP making the same mistakes, and become memorable, it’ll all be ok.

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SkekVi

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Omg my mom told me this same thing when I was younger! It helps so much!!

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Think of my future self...

How will my future self feel in an hour or two if I skip my gym session?

Will my future self be happy if I do this pile of dishes now, before bed? Or would he prefer to have to do it in the morning, before work?

I have a three month deadline on this project, will my future self appreciate my current self taking the first three or four weeks easy, or will he be really pissed off?

...essentially delayed gratification. Pretty much all the bad stuff gives us instant gratification, while all the good stuff has delayed gratification. I always try to remember that - if I have to wait to reap the rewards then it's probably the best option.

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Em

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The trouble with this is that I am my future self.

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I fix things in factories, they are typically broken by operators either accidentally or maliciously. When I speak to the operators, they typically get jumpy and panicky.
I tell myself they don't know as much about the equipment, and I need to give them the benefit of the doubt.
I reassure them that I'm not interested in getting them in trouble or reporting them, I just want to know what they or the machine did before it failed so as I dont spend hours looking in the wrong place. Since doing this, I have earned a lot of trust, I have become more relaxed at work and my work rate/repair time is much better

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Justin Thyme

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Same principle in Safety

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Try to avoid using the word "but," or if you must, put whatever part you want to emphasize after. "But" tends to negate whatever you said before it Here's an example:

"You're doing great, but you could do x and y better."

Versus

"You could do x and y better, but you're doing great!”

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The Other Guest

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It's better to phrase the whole thing as a positive and a goal. "You're doing really well in math, especially addition. Now we can focus on subtraction so you'll be great at both!"

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I used to work with a guy who was super opinionated about everything... he would die on every single hill, usually for the stupidest reasons. Like, everyone in the room would agree our next meeting should be Tuesday at 3pm, he would grind the entire process to a halt, single-handedly arguing that the next meeting should be Tuesday at 3:15pm. He'd dig his heels in and argue until it wore everyone down and we did it his way. Whenever he was called out for it, he justified it by saying he was a person of strong conviction and that he would always "speak up for what he believed."

I started getting ahead of it by crediting him for ideas he didn't have. So in the example I just gave, I'd chime in first and say, "Brent and I were talking earlier and I liked his idea of meeting at 3pm." Or I would say, "Brent had an interesting idea," and I would go on to share my idea as if Brent had told me.

He always looked really confused, but he never argued.

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I shop for records and video games at flea markets and such a lot, and a useful trick I use is that I've invented a fictional person on whose behalf I am acting. It's pretty useful to be able to pretend I know less about stuff than I actually do, and it can be a great shortcut to get out of a situation where their asking price is completely insane for example and I don't want to get bogged down fruitlessly haggling - I tell them "Okay, let me text my friend" and walk off tapping at my phone for a while.

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General Anaesthesia

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"No deal, that's much too expensive, thanks" is shorter.

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If someone you want to get to know better is telling you something about themselves, ask questions about that thing. When people share they are looking for connection. By participating in the convo and asking for more info you’re showing them you care about what they’re saying. No it doesn’t matter if you’re actually interested. What really matters is that you’re putting in the effort to think of the other person. This may seem so simple, but you’d be surprised how much it can mean to someone to just care about what they care about.

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Vanessa MacKenzie

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like your ex and his rebuilding of a V8 motor ;)

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If you think you’re going to quit something or do something that is a questionable or tough decision, just give it one more day…

Ex:

If you really just need a cigarette, but you know you shouldn’t. Just don’t smoke for one more day.

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Andrei Marentette

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This works so well for caffeine. I've been drinking red bulls for 3 years and this is gonna help so much

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"**We'll cross that bridge if we get there"** - that helps with anxiety.

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Cloudy

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But then I worry about the bridge, where, when, why

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When ingratiating yourself to someone, don't give the obvious compliment. Say someone has gorgeous, thick, long hair. Find something less obvious to compliment them on. It's likely they get a lot of comments about the obvious thing. A different compliment will stick with them more.

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CelticElff

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But FFS, be genuine.

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If you're lying, always always ALWAYS include some detail that is embarrassing to you. It makes your story far more believable.

For example:

Instead of saying, "No I wasn't at Jimson James' house. I was with Randy the whole time."

Try saying, "No I haven't been to Jimsons' in a while. I clogged his toilet so I don't think his parents want me over there for a while... So me and Randy hung out."

The extra embarrassing detail makes your story seem more truthful. It gets you out of a lot of s**t.

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Justin Thyme

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Until somebody check out your story....

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When I can sense my thoughts turning dark, I start singing to myself. It's basically distraction and does help when I can catch things early enough.

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Justin Thyme

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But, then u wind up stuck on the Barney song.....

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When someone asks me an impertinent or nosey question, instead of answering I ask them why they are asking. Usually, even a Karen will actually answer *my* question and we can chat about their reason until I'm done without ever answering their question. Only rarely do I have to say that I am suspicious about the motivation behind the question and will not answer.

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John Harrison

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Or say "I'd prefer not to talk about that." "Tricks" that teach us to avoid being upfront and truthful aren't helpful.

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If you’ve lost something and are looking for it but can’t find it, stop. Start looking for something else completely different and you will find the thing you lost first.

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Jana Jankova

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And if you can't find the first thing, start looking for a third one until you completely forget what you were looking for in the first place, and it no longer matters :D

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My father was a psychologist, and I remember being very, very little when he explained to me that people are much more likely to say yes to any question when you smile and nod at them.

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