Losing a close friend can be just as painful as losing a romantic partner. Someone you trusted, loved and shared wonderful memories with is no longer a part of your life, and they may leave you feeling like there is a void that needs to be filled. But sometimes removing a friend is necessary. If they act entitled, selfish, rude or disrespectful, they aren’t much of a friend anyway. This list features conversations between friends that are disappointing and painful to read, but they’re a great reminder that none of us should ever settle for poor treatment. If someone can’t reciprocate being a great friend, don’t be afraid to cut them out.

But when you’ve known someone for a long time or tend to give others the benefit of the doubt, it might be hard to spot when someone is a fake friend. So we’ve consulted an article Sarah Regan wrote for MBG Relationships outlining tips from experts about how to recognize when someone is a toxic friend and how to respond to them. First, let's outline what a good friend is. According to licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT, "A quality friendship includes support, loyalty, and closeness—three things you cannot find in a fake friend.”

When it comes to the qualities of a fake friend, Sarah first notes that fake friends tend to only come around when they need something, and they mysteriously vanish when you need support. True friends aren’t trying to gain something from your relationship; they value you for you. Fake friends might expect help or support at the drop of a hat without ever considering what you are going through, and then they might become angry or impatient if you ever ask for something in return. Don’t let a fake friend make you feel like a burden, and don’t be willing to bend over backwards for people who wouldn’t do the same for you.

Another tell-tale sign of a toxic friend is someone who is unnecessarily competitive with you. They might try to one-up you in conversation or be less than supportive when you have success or achieve accomplishments. True friends are happy for one another, and never compare themselves to you. Friends should just be friends, not competitors. 

A good friend will also never make you feel bad about yourself. If someone you consider a friend ever makes you feel insecure, fails to lift you up when you’re down or judges you, I've got some news for you: they’re a fake friend. As with being overly competitive, this can stem from insecurities within an individual, but it still is not a valid excuse. Friends should remind one another that they’re valued just the way they are, and they should never make each other question if something is wrong with them.

Real friends will also be thrilled about your accomplishments and happy to celebrate with you. If a friend downplays things you’ve worked hard to earn or achieve, it might be time to cut them out. We all need a strong support system in our lives, and if the people close to you are not encouraging your dreams and celebrating your successes, don’t consider them friends. Life’s too short to have people around who will hold you back. 

Our friends should also energize and rejuvenate us, rather than drain our energy. If you find yourself feeling exhausted trying to deal with a particular friend, that’s never a good sign. They might be constantly asking for favors, cancel plans at the last minute when you’ve already left the house, demand they borrow something that you actually need or dominate all of your time together focused on their problems and what’s going on in their life. If they’re complaining incessantly or causing you stress, they’re not a great friend. And if a so-called friend is saying disrespectful things about you behind your back or spreading rumors about you, cut them off right then. Nobody deserves that.

Friendships can be complicated, and especially when you’ve had a relationship with someone for many years, it can be hard to determine whether they are fake or not. But at the end of the day, you have to discern whether they have your best interests at heart. If they cancel plans last minute several times in a row, but they’ve been dealing with mental health issues or a recent trauma, you might understand and give them a free pass. If they blow up at you one time and end up saying hurtful things, but they’ve always had your back in the past and promptly apologize, it might not be worth ending the friendship over. But if you’ve noticed a pattern of harmful behavior, especially after you’ve discussed how painful it is to you, then it might be time to reconsider the friendship. If they’re causing you more stress and grief than joy, that’s not a good sign. 

Friendships ebb and flow over time, but if you’ve determined that a certain person is no longer beneficial to your journey, you might want to start taking steps to remove them from your life. Depending on the nature of the friendship and why you’re frustrated with the person, it might be best to attempt having an honest conversation with them first to see if the relationship is salvageable. But if that does not prove successful or you’ve given them too many chances in the past, you might want to try cutting them off. This can be done by creating distance or by having a “breakup”. If you think it’s best to put distance between yourself and your former friend, you can start by canceling plans and not rescheduling. Some fake friends will get the message or won’t put in the effort to reconnect anyway, which can allow the relationship to fizzle out.  

Having a proper breakup is not always required when ending a fake friendship, because the other person may have never been as invested as you in the first place. But if you do want to have a conversation with them to provide clarity and let them know how they’ve hurt you, feel free to be honest about how you feel and why the relationship is no longer serving you. They may get defensive, disagree or respond with hurtful words out of spite, but at least you’ll know that you’re free from the burden of being their friend. (Unless they hit you up a month later asking for $300… Then you call them out on the Choosing Beggars subreddit.)

If you’ve ended a fake friendship and you’re in search of new friends who are more genuine and will treat you with the respect and care that you deserve, I want to encourage you to get outside of your comfort zone and reach out to others. Perhaps there’s someone at work who you enjoy talking to that you can invite out for an evening to build a friendship outside of the office. Maybe you volunteer on the weekends and can make like-minded friends through the organizations you serve there. And never underestimate the power of Facebook groups. There are groups and pages for every interest you could ever imagine, and for every fake friend, there are plenty of other people out there who will appreciate you and make you feel loved and supported.