I created “ELEMENTS OF HOPE” as a series of 6 artworks. It was during A time in my life where claustrophobic darkness choked my spirit. Lessons were learned not without great struggles, and only with the ELEMENTS OF HOPE I survived. My hope comes from many different places continually changing when necessary. I keep my hope alive without the belief of victory. Rather, I keep moving on my journey to find brighter paths with different hopes. This seems to keep the darkness at bay.

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Searching for a sign

What seemed like a blink of an eye, my dark days soon became 7 years. Often I found myself sitting outside smoking a cigarette searching for a sign. I found great comfort watching the leaves dancing as they blew with the wind. Could this be a sign my mind would race? I did not feel much hope as I chose not to believe, instead becoming angry feeling like the universe was laughing at me. I kept a secret which I will share for the first time. Often during my times watching the wind, my hand would heat up. I wondered if the ghost of my mother was touching my hand the same way she consoled me as a child. Now when I see leaves floating in the wind, I look at the shadows wondering if my mother is watching. I found my sign and a new HOPE

Emotional Intelligence

I enjoyed hanging out with a few older jazz guys in their late 40s when I was 16. The bars never asked for my ID. Who would believe a 16 year old kid would keep company with men in their late 40s?! It was fascinating to me the way they spoke and how they constructed themselves. They had their own language using phrases like COOL CAT, Rhythm in Rhythm out, and constantly saying Dig It. One day we were informed that a good friend of the group passed away. That night many tears were shed. ”Your not in love, your just drunk.” An unforgettable phrase our friend loved to say. Ferocious laughter belted around our table as stories were told of our departed friend.That next month everyone remained cool although it was apparent by the thick melancholy which consumed the air. No one ever lashed out, and no one acted the fool. I took this lesson with me into my adulthood. When life gets hard throwing me curve balls I want to always act like my friends did and be the COOL CAT. It is easy for me to have negative thoughts rotting the brain. Finding HOPE in a situation helps me remain cool. This thinking has always led me to the next better path of my journey.

Absence of Light

Going broke is the obstacle which brought me the most challenges. There are basic social needs I have not been able to figure out. Dating is a major obstacle so I have put it on hold for the past 7 years. The extreme Isolation has made me more and more introverted. I easily can spend months at a time alone in my room creating art unaware I have not spoken to a single person. I admit, there is a part of me that enjoys the isolation immensely. I often grow out my beard as if I am playing a character in my own movie. I am not bound by outside judgments and this allows me to explore some interesting new ideas for my art. At times the loneliness of my life seems unbearable.The meaningful art I am creating gives me HOPE for a better future. There is a quote written by Simon Van Booy I relate to very much. “For lonely people, rain is a chance to be touched”

WAKE UP

I have this recurring nightmare. It starts with me in a crowded city where no one acknowledges my existence. I am fully aware that I’m dreaming and my nightmare is now beginning. The idea of waking up terrified sends me into a panic. I start to run aimlessly hoping to fully wake up. In my panic I try to take deep breaths but can’t draw air. Desperately trying to cry out for help I can hear the inaudible murmurs gasping for air in the real world. When I awaken I take control of my breathing as my body sits paralyzed, unable to move. When this dream occurs my mind is giving me a warning that I am losing hope. It is time to reevaluate what I am doing and find a new hope that works better for me

Presence of light

I dream the art I create will one day help me move to a big metropolitan city. As time passes that dream fades, feeling unattainable. To restore my hope I often close my eyes and imagine living in other places. Sometimes I am living in Chicago looking out my window watching as the snowfall changes the landscape to a majestic white. I dream of walking through a park breathing the crisp air looking at golden hues which officially welcomes fall. These thoughts warm my heart, making me feel great bringing hope into my life.

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HOPE

“In every change, in every falling leaf there is some pain, some beauty. And that’s the way new leaves grow.” ― Amit Ray

I focus on small victories these days. A great meal, an entertaining movie, a successful new art piece I created. This gives me a tremendous amount of joy in my life. My hopes change as the world changes. I don’t have grand thoughts of becoming rich and famous. For me living a simple life, not worrying only about things like putting food on the table. Having a few friends who I can go have a coffee with. All would feel like winning the lottery. I believe these things will happen. I have HOPE!

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