Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app

Continue in app Continue in browser

9Kviews

166 Dwight Schrute Quotes That We Just Can’t Get Enough Of

ADVERTISEMENT

O, Dwight, however much we love you! Thine quirks, thine wisdom, thine unmatched grit! Thou art probably the greatest TV series character ever that gives us, the socially ungraceful introverts, at least a smidgen of bravery in being as non-conforming as we like to be. Well, you might’ve gotten the gist by now - we cannot get enough of Dwight Kurt Schrute III, and he’s at the very top of our list of the most beloved fictional characters ever. And thus, we’ve created a whole list of Dwight Schrute quotes and now are sharing it with you!

Unlike the rest of The Office characters, Dwight is much more multi-layered. In fact, although he’s probably the weirdest person you’ve ever met on screen due to the complexity of his character, Dwight’s also probably the most real of them all. And just read some of his wise quotes! All of his phrases will make you laugh the hardest but will also carry a message about dignity, authenticity, bravery, and loyalty. You know, the things that make humans human. And did we mention that some of them are just hilariously funny quotes? We did? Well, no harm in repeating it, then.

Now, prepare yourself beetroot tartar to go with these wonderful quotes - a combo to die for! Once you’re done reading them, give the best ones your vote, and if you’d like a bit more, then read our The Office quotes article, too! Oh, and also, don’t forget to share these funny Dwight Schrute quotes with anyone who seems to be a bit down these days - it will surely improve their disposition!

This post may include affiliate links.

#1

Dwight Schrute looking with an annoyed look “I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”

27points

CalmAndCollected 2 years ago

I had that happen to me too... but it turned into my neighbor... I got in way more trouble

4points

View more comments

#2

Dwight Schrute shouting with a judgmental expression "I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends."

23points

ArodTheHorrible 2 years ago

We get to meet those friends later... all weirdos

1point

#3

Dwight Schrute looking with a waiting look in the interview room "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."

22points

Mark Berry 2 years ago

Sage wisdom!

1point

View more comments

#4

Dwight Schrute sitting outside with a proud expression "People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck."

22points

ADVERTISEMENT

#5

Dwight Schrute in a grim reaper suit in the interview room "R is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not muckduck."

21points

#6

Dwight Schrute looking disappointed but not surprised Michael Scott: “Why do you have a diary?”

Dwight: “To keep secrets from my computer.”

19points

#7

Dwight Schrute looking from over his table with an empty look “If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.”

19points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

What a real introvert says....

1point

View more comments

#8

Dwight Schrute looking menacingly from over Jim's shoulder "Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually, Jim is my enemy..."

18points

Down With Agent Hedgehog! 2 years ago

You need to stop thinking.

2points

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

#9

Dwight Schrute talking on the phone "There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately, I spoke to Oscar on the phone, so none of this is useful."

18points

Down With Agent Hedgehog! 2 years ago

I Shall Know. I Am Invincible Mind-Reading Lap Cactus. and sacred Lap Cactus sees All.

2points

#10

Dwight Schrute looking hesitantly at his notes “Do I have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes. February 14th.”

17points

PixxelDust 2 years ago

Me

1point

#11

Pam Halpert talking to Dwight Schrute while he is in a sheriffs uniform "When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her."

17points

#12

Dwight Schrute talking a littlle disappointed while talking "Who is Justice Beaver?"

16points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

This from an episode in 2011 and you'd have to be an Office fan to enjoy this. As I understand it, Jim wanted to play a prank and told Dwight he was going to offer free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert and provide a phone number to call to claim the tickets. The phone number to call was Todd Packer's (yuck!). Dwight's response was 'Who is Justice Beaver"? And - that's how Justice Beaver was born. Justice Beaver has had a great life, including being a supreme court member, a crime fighting hero, another name for make-up sex, etc., etc.

0points

#13

Micheal scott looking at Dwight Schrute, that's talking with a proud look "In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me, and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead."

14points

ADVERTISEMENT

#14

Dwight Schrute Talking very convincingly “You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once.”

14points

#15

Dwight Schrute talking very convincingly "There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague."

13points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

Done. His plans never seem to work out the way he intended.

1point

#16

Jim Halpert, Dwight Schrute, Michael Scott all wearing dunder mifflin uniforms while sitting on a couch "I am fast. To give you a reference point, I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… and a panther."

13points

Luke T 2 years ago

There HAS to be something in those beets

0points

#17

Dwight Schrute looking at a computer game passionately "I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly."

13points

#18

Dwight Schrute looking with a threatening look through a door "I am better than you have ever been or ever will be."

13points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

Yeah, I've worked for people with this level of confidence. Emphasis on 'worked'.

1point

ADVERTISEMENT

#19

Dwight Schrute telling something to micheal, micheal looking done "Not everything is a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail."

13points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

Brilliant!

2points

View more comments

#20

Dwight Schrute looking down a little sad "Always the Padawan, never the Jedi."

12points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago (edited)

Yes, Dwight, but rebellions are built on hope!

1point

#21

Dwight Schrute looking convincingly at Filis "Today, smoking is going to save lives."

12points

PixxelDust 2 years ago

This is even funnier without context

0points

#22

Dwight Schrute looking with a chocked expression "As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical."

12points

Jake B 2 years ago

The Humanity Bureau

0points

#23

Dwight Schrute talking confidently at a meeting "I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart."

12points

Down With Agent Hedgehog! 2 years ago

Convenient

1point

View more comments

ADVERTISEMENT

#24

Dwight Schrute telling something to other people very passionately “Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.”

12points

#25

Dwight Schrute talking to Angela with a slightly worried expression "Many ideas were not appreciated in their time, like shampoo."

11points

#26

Dwight Schrute talking with a proud look on his face "Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you're gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone."

10points

#27

the office cast surrounding a baby stroller "Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller, should be indestructible."

10points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

Analogy at it's finest!

2points

#28

Dwight Schrute looking confidently "Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision."

10points

ADVERTISEMENT

#29

Dwight Schrute talking with an annoyed expression "In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas."

10points

#30

micheal scott looking lost while dwight schrute is standing in the background and writing something down “Michael always says, ‘K-I-S-S: keep it simple, stupid.’ Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.”

10points

#31

Dwight Schrute looking with conviction "A gym turns fat into cash."

10points

#32

Dwight Schrute with a scary look on his face looking through blinds "Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not."

10points

#33

Dwight Schrute sitting on a counter talking to Erin "You couldn’t handle my undivided attention."

9points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

Truer words have never been spoken.

1point

#34

Dwight Schrute standing looking disappointed "I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England."

9points

ADVERTISEMENT

#35

Dwight Schrute and Jim Halpert in the interview room looking a little silly "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"

9points

Jake B 2 years ago

Then why the wigs Dwight? Hmmmm? Why the wigs?

1point

#36

Dwight Schrute looking at Andy Bernard with a playful yet scary side-eye "I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors."

9points

katekat_1 2 years ago

Until you see something you dont wanna see

0points

#37

Dwight Schrute looking with a look full of conviction “How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.”

9points

katekat_1 2 years ago

The math isn't mathing

1point

View More Replies...

View more comments

#38

Dwight Schrute explaining a diagram “It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis. The person who I most medium suspect.”

9points

#39

Dwight Schrute angrily talking and side-eyeing "You know, I really would’ve appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers. I would’ve introduced you to mine."

8points

ADVERTISEMENT

#40

Dwight Schrute happily looking at Andy while holding a tray full of bagels “Can’t a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they’ll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez. When did everyone get so cynical?”

8points

Jake B 2 years ago

My last office

0points

#41

Dwight Schrute looking with a slightly annoyed face at someone “You’re a perfectly fine toilet. I’m just an extraordinary piece of crap.”

8points

#42

Dwight Schrute trying to convince the camera crew with his look "Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so badass!"

8points

#43

Micheal Scott and Dwight Schrute standing outside while being wet "You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize."

8points

Jake B 2 years ago

It’s been sold to Amazon

0points

ADVERTISEMENT

#44

Dwight Schrute looking at Meredith Palmer, who's lying in a hospital bed "Blink once if you want me to pull the plug."

7points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

To be successful, one must create fail safe plans. Blinking is an semi-autonomic response. The plugs gonna get pulled...

0points

#45

Dwight Schrute holding a hammer and a towel “And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t."

7points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

Circular logic is Dwight's strong suit.

1point

#46

Dwight Schrute speaking to someone angrily "Congratulations on your one cousin. I have 70, each one better than the last."

7points

#47

Dwight Schrute looking with a look of disbelief "It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.”

7points

#48

Dwight Schrute looking at something with a soured expression "I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me."

7points

ADVERTISEMENT

#49

Dwight Schrute is looking at Michael Scott with a slight look of surprise “I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.”

7points

#50

Dwight Schrute speaking with someone with an annoyed expression “PowerPoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.”

7points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

Amen, brother!

2points

#51

“Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence.”

7points

#52

“To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this. Maybe they have something against living forever.”

7points

#53

“Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.”

7points

ADVERTISEMENT

#54

“Once I’m officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So, I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.”

7points

#55

Jim: “My condolences.”

Dwight: “Keep them.”

7points

#56

"First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, 'Wow. I need this beet right now.' Those are the money beets."

7points

#57

“Your internet searches were so filthy we had to throw out your computer.”

7points

#58

"I’m a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I’m better at hiding than they are at vision."

7points

ADVERTISEMENT

#59

"Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR."

7points

#60

"The eyes are the groin of the head."

6points

#61

"Ah, humor. I have it too."

6points

#62

"I really should have a Tweeter account."

6points

#63

"Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."

6points

#64

"I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."

6points

ADVERTISEMENT

#65

"Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"

6points

#66

“Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.”

6points

#67

“There are three things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.”

6points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

The voice of experience.

1point

#68

“There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory.”

6points

ADVERTISEMENT

#69

“As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy, I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out… she was. With a couple of guys actually, so… mystery solved.”

6points

#70

“I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. I’m sorry, only part of me meant that. He’d probably end up a hero there, anyway.”

6points

#71

“OK. When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher could ever copy.”

6points

#72

“Love is in the air? False. Nitrogen, oxygen, argon, and carbon dioxide is in the air.”

6points

ADVERTISEMENT

#73

"We, Schrutes, don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness."

6points

Hugo Granger-Weasley 2 years ago (edited)

*laughs*

2points

#74

"Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player. Or her husband."

6points

#75

"There are several ways to kill a zombie. But the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick."

6points

#76

"All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter.”

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

#77

“Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule.”

5points

#78

"Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her, and I will bring her to you. And as God as my witness, she shall bear your fruit."

5points

#79

"Failure of any kind is failure."

5points

#80

"Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."

5points

#81

"Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate twice the speed of a normal man's."

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

#82

"Listen up, kid! I don't like you. But because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights."

5points

#83

“Jim told me you could buy gaydar online.”

5points

robert bailey 2 years ago

It's never in stock.

1point

#84

“Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.”

5points

#85

“Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.”

5points

#86

“When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.”

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

Dutch Swimmer Goes Viral For Super Revealing Trunks During 2024 Olympics: “Is This Legal?”

Dutch Swimmer Goes Viral For Super Revealing Trunks During 2024 Olympics: “Is This Legal?”

Dutch Swimmer Goes Viral For Super Revealing Trunks During 2024 Olympics: “Is This Legal?”

Thrill-Seeking Diver Jumps Down Extreme Waterslide, Ignoring The Strict Ban For Women

Thrill-Seeking Diver Jumps Down Extreme Waterslide, Ignoring The Strict Ban For Women

Thrill-Seeking Diver Jumps Down Extreme Waterslide, Ignoring The Strict Ban For Women

#87

“I am faster than 80 percent of all snakes.”

5points

#88

“A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.”

5points

#89

“Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”

5points

#90

“Get a friend, loser.”

5points

#91

“Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma! In the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.”

5points

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

Woman Put A Water Fountain With A Camera In Her Yard, Here Are 24 Photos Of Regular Visitors (New Pics)

Woman Put A Water Fountain With A Camera In Her Yard, Here Are 24 Photos Of Regular Visitors (New Pics)

Woman Put A Water Fountain With A Camera In Her Yard, Here Are 24 Photos Of Regular Visitors (New Pics)

“Ma’am I Live Here”: Woman Refuses To Back Out Of Driveway, Learns A Lesson The Hard Way

“Ma’am I Live Here”: Woman Refuses To Back Out Of Driveway, Learns A Lesson The Hard Way

“Ma’am I Live Here”: Woman Refuses To Back Out Of Driveway, Learns A Lesson The Hard Way

#92

“Schrute Farms is very easy to find. It’s right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you’ve gone too far.”

5points

#93

“All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.”

5points

#94

"Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never."

4points

#95

"No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes."

4points

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

50 Of The Most Incredible Shots That Were Submitted To The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards

50 Of The Most Incredible Shots That Were Submitted To The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards

50 Of The Most Incredible Shots That Were Submitted To The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards

French Diver’s “Jewels” In Tight Swimming Trunks Become Talk Of The Town At Olympics

French Diver’s “Jewels” In Tight Swimming Trunks Become Talk Of The Town At Olympics

French Diver’s “Jewels” In Tight Swimming Trunks Become Talk Of The Town At Olympics

#96

"You can't get flowers for someone who's in a coma. They'll wilt before he wakes up."

4points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

You can't argue the practicality of this statement.

1point

#97

"Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors."

4points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

Every...single...day.

1point

#98

“I really like Andy these days. He’s pretended, and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we’re in for an epic, confusing showdown.”

4points

#99

“Now that I own the building, I’m looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center? Muahahahahahahahaha. Well, I guess it’s not an evil idea, it’s just a regular idea, but there’s no good laugh for a regular idea.”

4points

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

Woman Moves Out Of Parents' Home After They Asked Her To Give Her Space To Brother, They Freak Out

Woman Moves Out Of Parents' Home After They Asked Her To Give Her Space To Brother, They Freak Out

Woman Moves Out Of Parents' Home After They Asked Her To Give Her Space To Brother, They Freak Out

Mom Leaves $250k Inheritance To Son, Throws A Fit When Daughter Stops Looking After Her

Mom Leaves $250k Inheritance To Son, Throws A Fit When Daughter Stops Looking After Her

Mom Leaves $250k Inheritance To Son, Throws A Fit When Daughter Stops Looking After Her

#100

“I always knew I would be destroyed by my own creation, but honestly, I thought it would be that bull that Mose and I are trying to reanimate.”

4points

#101

“Bears are more afraid of you than you are of them? You obviously aren’t scared enough.”

4points

#102

“Will I get over it? Mmm. No. But life goes on.”

4points

#103

"Step aside, Jim. There’s a new funny guy at the office."

4points

#104

"I did fall on my sword once, I was running with it in my belt. Won't happen again."

4points

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

#105

"I overslept. Dang rooster didn’t crow."

4points

#106

"That butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don’t think it’s kicked in yet. I’m gonna count down from ten. Ten, nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple."

4points

#107

"Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would be chaos."

4points

Claudette Austin 2 years ago

I believe that it was Michael who said this.

1point

#108

"For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it to find himself... in jail!"

4points

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

#109

"I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager."

4points

#110

"Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender."

4points

Hugo Granger-Weasley 2 years ago (edited)

hahahaha

1point

#111

"Salesman is king. As the best salesman, I am king of kings. Oh, you say Jesus is king of kings? Well. What does that say to you about how I think of myself?"

4points

#112

"The geometric proportions of my face are perfect in every way but one. My nose is too small. I mean, it still works. I can smell things. I just have to be much closer than most people."

4points

ADVERTISEMENT

See Also on Bored Panda

“All Three Shot Out Pink”: Triplets' Baby Shower Turns Sour, Pregnant Wife Wants A Divorce

“All Three Shot Out Pink”: Triplets' Baby Shower Turns Sour, Pregnant Wife Wants A Divorce

“All Three Shot Out Pink”: Triplets' Baby Shower Turns Sour, Pregnant Wife Wants A Divorce

College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

#113

"If a vampire bat was in the U.S. It would make sense for it to come to a "Sylvania," like Pennsylvania. Now, that doesn't mean that Jim is gonna become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ."

4points

#114

"Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat."

4points

Hugo Granger-Weasley 2 years ago

lmao typical dwight

1point

#115

"I will not be participating as there is no evidence that charity works."

4points

#116

"Those who can’t farm, farm celery."

3points

#117

"Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet, so fine, call me a Sasquatch!"

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#118

"There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep!"

3points

#119

"I just want to be friends, plus a little extra, also I love you."

3points

#120

"My perfect Valentine’s Day? I’m at home. Three cell phones in front of me. Fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago."

3points

#121

"I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides."

3points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

Always look on the bright side of life?

0points

ADVERTISEMENT

#122

"If onlys and justs were candies and nuts, then every day would be Erntedankfest."

3points

#123

"That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed."

3points

#124

"The Schrutes have a word for when everything in a man's life comes together perfectly. Perfectenschlag. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate. I am assembling a competent team. I am likely a father. I am so deep inside of perfectenschlag right now."

3points

#125

“It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.”

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#126

“The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. Whatever. I’m over it. It’s just grossly irresponsible.”

3points

#127

Oscar: “Don’t you want to see the baby?”

Dwight: “Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.”

3points

#128

“I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I’d be good at picking the person.”

3points

#129

“When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#130

“In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.”

3points

#131

“You think you’re excited? You should feel my nipples. Boing!”

3points

#132

“I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. ‘Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks… they come when you least expect it.”

3points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

Gotta give credit to the scrip writers. Who thinks like this?

1point

#133

“They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!”

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#134

“The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.”

3points

#135

“Women are like wolves. If you want one, you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.”

3points

#136

“D.W.I.G.H.T. Determined. Worker. Intense. Good worker. Hard worker. Terrific.”

3points

#137

“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.”

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#138

"With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.”

3points

#139

“At first, I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean, the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?”

3points

#140

“OK, see you later, Pan.”

3points

#141

“Jim couldn’t land me in a thousand years.”

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#142

“Listen up, Flenderson, you’re being weak and ineffectual. I’m cowboying this meeting, OK! Here are the new rules, OK? Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants.”

3points

#143

“When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.”

3points

#144

“Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work. Not long ago we were sexual competitors. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do.”

3points

#145

“Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That’s feces.”

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#146

“There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn’t destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.”

3points

#147

“Schrutes don’t celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality and then, moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year!”

3points

#148

“It’s not effeminate. It’s festive.”

3points

#149

“Love is all you need? False, you need water and rations.”

3points

#150

“He’s gone. I miss him so much. Oh, I cry myself to sleep, Jim. False. I do not miss him.”

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#151

"The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others; supreme. That’s great. If I wanted the dictionary definition, I’d buy a dictionary. I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order; supreme.”

3points

#152

"I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me, but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them."

3points

#153

"If Jim has bedbugs, that means they're everywhere. I can't risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200 year old mattresses."

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#154

"Today is your birthday? False. Today is the anniversary of your birthday."

3points

#155

“Slow and steady wins the race? False. Fast always wins the race.”

3points

#156

Ryan: "Did you see Saw?"

Dwight: "Of course I seesaw, Mose and I seesaw all the time."

3points

#157

"I wanna have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything."

3points

#158

"What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless."

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#159

“I don't believe you, continue.”

3points

#160

"People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher."

3points

#161

"In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others. I’ve been raising children since I was a baby."

3points

#162

"I'm going to live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Mannheim is 103, and still puttering around down in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation."

3points

#163

Erin: "Dwight, what a ridiculous, fancy clown you are."
Dwight: "I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died."

3points

ADVERTISEMENT

#164

"In a head-to-head contest, people prefer Belsnickel over Santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. It was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel."

3points

Hugo Granger-Weasley 2 years ago (edited)

he aint wrong

0points

View more comments

#165

"The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. It makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair."

3points

Hugo Granger-Weasley 2 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

0points

#166

"Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger and Tonto and Bonto."

3points

Hugo Granger-Weasley 2 years ago (edited)

lmaoooo

0points

ADVERTISEMENT

Karolina Kondratavičiūtė

I am a content creator for the Shopping category here at Bored Panda 🛍️. With the amount of screentime I have on SNS channels you really don't have to worry about the latest newst hottest things (I might've found them yesterday). Some of my friends call me soup because I love soup. I really love soup. My favourite soup is the Korean hangover soup (with big big meaty bones in it mmmm). My MBTI is INTP, favorite color is gray, and I say that my favourite animals are cats because when people ask me that question I am put on the spot and forget that things like sharks, sugar gliders, otters or literally - pandas - exist.

I am a content creator for the Shopping category here at Bored Panda 🛍️. With the amount of screentime I have on SNS channels you really don't have to worry about the latest newst hottest things (I might've found them yesterday). Some of my friends call me soup because I love soup. I really love soup. My favourite soup is the Korean hangover soup (with big big meaty bones in it mmmm). My MBTI is INTP, favorite color is gray, and I say that my favourite animals are cats because when people ask me that question I am put on the spot and forget that things like sharks, sugar gliders, otters or literally - pandas - exist.

Viltė Domkutė

Viltė is a SEO List curator here at Bored Panda. She graduated in Applied Photography, so is no stranger to visual and artistic content. Despite her professional path, she also loves watching TV series, even could binge watch them all day long. Viltė also owns a pet crab at home, named Pūkis - Fluffy (spoiler alert: he's not fluffy at all).

Viltė is a SEO List curator here at Bored Panda. She graduated in Applied Photography, so is no stranger to visual and artistic content. Despite her professional path, she also loves watching TV series, even could binge watch them all day long. Viltė also owns a pet crab at home, named Pūkis - Fluffy (spoiler alert: he's not fluffy at all).

Justė Kairytė - Barkauskienė

Justė is a copywriter here at Bored Panda, and though her studies at the Veterinary Academy seemingly have nothing to do with writing, the passion for animals and nature helps in creating the most interesting and engaging posts. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier. Justė's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. Ask her anything!

Justė is a copywriter here at Bored Panda, and though her studies at the Veterinary Academy seemingly have nothing to do with writing, the passion for animals and nature helps in creating the most interesting and engaging posts. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier. Justė's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. Ask her anything!

What do you think ?

You May Like

40 Hilarious Quotes From The Most Famous People

Saimonas Lukošius

60 Popular ’90s Movie Quotes We Love To Use

Justina Čiapaitė

50 Funny Birthday Quotes To Slow Down The Aging

Saimonas Lukošius

Back to Homepage

More about Quotes

Related on Bored Panda

Related on Bored Panda

Word Search

WordroW

Jigsaw

Crossword

Sudoku

Picdoku

Killer Sudoku

Kriss Kross

Word Flower

Trending on Bored Panda

Also on Bored Panda