When I think about comedy, the first thing that comes to mind is comedy shows, stand-ups, and the iconic SNL. But a lot of the time, comedy gold can be found in none other than social media posts, which are influenced by the greatest comedian - life itself.
A platform like Twitter, now referred to as X, is full of people sharing their humorous stories that inspired an Instagram page called reallydumbtweets to compile all of the best finds into one hilarious collection. From their 4000+ posts, we have selected the ones that stuck out the most to share with you, Pandas. So without further ado, let’s dive into this list, and let us know in the comments which tweet made you chuckle the most.
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He Gotham mixed up. Now he just wants to es-cape.
Load More Replies...My elementary gym teachers were sadistic d bags that ran PE like the military and kids that would rather be in Chem or the library (me!) Were special dodgeball targets so I can relate.
Load More Replies...I’ve seen my sports teachers play with each other during free time while the other teachers are constantly doing some work or the other
Okay, my mind is officially in the gutter….
Load More Replies...My entire school was put into detention once because a piece of graffiti was found in the locker room loos. It said “raise the world’s average IQ. Kill a PE teacher”.
I immediately thought of this quote! Jack Black said it in the movie "School of Rock" 😄
Load More Replies...At my high school, all the PE teachers were also teachers of something else, like two were English teachers etc. No one was just "PE teacher"
You don't know how many times I'm gonna use this now- *intensely stares at that one particular "friend" we all know
Ahhh reading the room via racism temp... nobody likes a Schroe-bag.
The Schroe-bag has many faces, racism is but one.
Load More Replies...I've had this happen multiple times by guys not getting the response they wanted. One started talking to me on a game after guessing I was female and then asked my bra size. When I wasn't happy with that he claimed it was a joke. Jokes are supposed to have some element of humor 🙄
Social media has become the modern-day stage for the world's comedic geniuses. From regular people who just had a funny story to share to actual comedians, we can encounter some of the funniest content online.
Humor, often regarded as a lighthearted and entertaining aspect of life, is paradoxically a very serious business. Beneath the surface of any good joke lies a complex interplay of psychology, culture, and communication. While jokes and comedic performances aim to provoke amusement, their impact extends far beyond mere laughter.
This is low-key the best way to find out you failed your midterms, become an online celebrity lol
Well there's nothing really ironic about it. He was just made aware through social media because of the virality since people find it funny.
Load More Replies...I actually like being an adult, other than all the stupid paperwork.
Agreed - my time, money, schedule, decisions are all mine!
Load More Replies...could be worse .. like smug 00's happy-hardcore-disco-polo band..
Load More Replies...Right? As bad as it is, and it's very bad, at least I don't have my religious nut of an adoptive parent up my butt.
Load More Replies...an old mentor told me; your 40's are the best, now you can afford all the things you wanted to do in your 20's.
I wish I had body, mind and life optimism back of when I was 36. Best age. Not a tween anymore and not yet a MILF, career peak, all doors open, healthy and good looking, no aching age pains, being respected and taken serious by older people and yet young enough to identify with the youngsters. House paid off, no depths, most of the more luxurious dreams about to being fulfilled. Perfect time of life.
Or my cat. She is nonjudgemental and eats everything
Load More Replies...Bring snacks with you so you can find him when he gets lost again. Shake the snack bag, he comes running!
I know it's not the point but, you should probably keep better track of your boyfriends at parties. LOL
when I lost my boyfriend at a party I found his cuddling with the host's dog. I knew he was the one for me lol
Guys, thanks for the laughs, these comments crack me up more than the tweet lmao
Comedians are skilled artists and it can take months or years to craft a perfect joke, story, and routines that connect with their audiences. Comedy is a form of creative expression that requires originality, timing, and an understanding of human nature.
However, the world of comedy is not without its challenges, and one of the most contentious issues is the act of joke stealing. This problem in an age of social media and influencers is continuing to escalate and is especially discouraging for the creators, when their work shared on their original accounts gets less interaction than when it's reposted without credit by larger accounts or individuals with a larger following. This not only undermines the hard work and creativity of the original comedians but also highlights the complexities of intellectual property and digital ethics in the modern age.
When my dad died his brother came to the funeral and I hadn't seen him for about twenty years.....frightened the hell out of me.
My mother arrived for my father in law's funeral, let's just say she nearly fainted when she saw his brother
Load More Replies...My husband's dad has an identical twin brother. Apparently I never mentioned this to my family, who had never met either of them before my wedding. My dad thought my husband's dad just kept changing clothes.
My Aunt and my soon to be mother in law met at several family functions before my wedding and were fairly friendly. As people were checking into the hotel the day before my wedding my Aunt thought she saw my MIL and went up to her to chat. She was very surprised when she got a polite but somewhat dismissive greeting, and wondered if she had done something to offend my mother in law. Meanwhile my mother in laws's identical twin was somewhat confused by the overenthusiastically friendly stranger in the hotel lobby. The confusion was cleared up at the rehearsal dinner that night.
Load More Replies...Last year one of our students died. Turned out he had an identical twin brother. Seeing a guy at the funeral and later at school (they came to clean out the student’s locker) who looked just like our student was very unnerving.
At my beloved grandpa's funeral, one of his cousins was also a guest. My fellow pandas...the scene was almost surreal because at first glance that WAS my grandpa. The resemblance was unsettling and startling at the same time and I felt like I was the only one who even noticed at all...Let me tell you, this was one of the strangest days of my entire life...
I met my father's older sister (my aunt) for the first time at their mother's (my grandmother) funeral. She looked exactly the same as nani only 20 years younger. You could've knocked me over with a fender.
Yes fenders can definitely knock you over, but I think you meant "feather".
Load More Replies...My headmaster died when I was in middle school. The whole school was invited to attend his funeral..........where we discovered he had an identical twin. Yeah, that was a fun funeral! ............. High five to anyone from Oakdale Middle School 1981-85.
If the only difference was that the twin had a goatee, you might be in trouble...
One the other hand, my 3 year old wakes up at 5:00 and, with more glee than any human should have at that hour, annouces to the house, "ITS MORNING TIME EVERYBODY!!"
I'd be inclined to record that and turn it into an alarm clock for when they're teenagers.
Load More Replies...When I wake up my first thought is usually "oh no" followed by, on this particular morning, "maybe I should just stay here and finish that dream about being turned into an animatronic and sent on a quest to find the Golden Twix Bar".
I am almost always woken up by one of my girls (felines) with gentle but insistent patting on the cheek when she thinks she's waited long enough for breakfast. This can occur anytime between 04:15 and 06:00. Yup! I get up and they all get their breakfast. I know my place.
Good soft can-opener. You may have a cookie (that we'll sniff and paw at first).
Load More Replies...Reminds me of my 3 year old that says "It's a nice day out!" every morning. Doesn't matter if it's raining cats and dogs, It shall be a nice day out.
A kid tried to do that to me....after i had stayed up to 2am for a meteor shower.....i was woken at like 5-6am....put on a movie for "us" n went back to sleep on the couch xD
Load More Replies...How are these “Really dumb tweets”? I know English isn’t the first language at BP, but still … while assembling these, they HAD to realize these are great! (Right?) (Or does “dumb” mean something else in Swedish?)
Right. Most of these don't seem dumb to me at all so far. There's a little humor.
Load More Replies...All therapists are supposed to have an emotional support therapist. It's actually in the Code of Ethics.
Load More Replies...Too late, I've already won. My therapist stopped seeing me because I was 'beyond their ability to help'. Go me!
Welp, I hope you found another therapist a few levels higher up?
Load More Replies...Me to my therapist: let me, someone with a Bachelor degree in environmental science, explain to you the existential dread that is climate change.
lol this happened to me while i was LOOKING for a therapist. just interviewing on the phone 'do you have experience with x?' 'oh no i do not wow. no.' like i laugh but also that's frustrating as h3ll. but you gotta make jokes yk
Maybe you've discovered a new 'problem'. Stop looking for a therapist, write a book, make a few million and come back and tell us!
Load More Replies...How exactly does one win at therapy? Others with unbalanced minds would like to know.
When they threaten to take away your pain meds. Cuz yeah, that'll help with the suicidal ideation. 🙄
Load More Replies...Pandas, look Shayne Smith up. He does standup gigs in a Mormon comedy series called Dry Bar. One of the funniest humans on the planet.
I've listened to a couple if Shayne's clips over the years. He's not bad. One of those clean comics that the whole family can listen to.
Load More Replies...However, not all is bad when it comes to sharing your work online. The internet allows comedians to be exposed to a global pool of talent which provides opportunities for collaboration and growth. So whether these people who are featured in this list are sharing their craft as comedians or just as everyday people, their talent has not gone unnoticed, and we are glad that we were able to share their hilarious jokes with you today.
Omg I'm an idiot... I was sitting here saying "Ian Lilian...Ian Lilian...Ianlilian?" And glad I'm not the first commenter cause it would have been "Ian Lilian I don't get it"
The ultimate dad joke type of thing! "Dad what's your best dad joke?" Lilian "What? I asked what your best dad joke is?" You...You are my best dad joke Lil-Ian...
And just like vol-canoes. I'll never say it the same in my head again!
I do that a lot in our library. Even escorted a baby lizard outside once.
Shout-out to the cashier for not lighting the car on fire like I would!
"Don't worry mam we got you. BRING FORTH THY FLAMETHROWER!"
Load More Replies...I was on a break hanging outside and there's these two nice middle eastern guys and two large male turkeys have their delivery truck hostage. They are not familiar with how huge and aggressive a wild turkey can be and they are legit scared to go near. I am familiar with wild turkeys so I just walk up to the bird boys and lecture them like bad dogs and they move on. Guys were so happy with me! Good times.
Oh, how I wish I could have seen you lecturing the turkeys!! LOL!
Load More Replies...Not to be that person, but here's your reminder that chick fil a as a company sucks and they donate to anti gay charities.
Then, he calmly walked into the back and had a nervous breakdown.
The way Op wrote that and going by his cheeky reply I am most certain they did. Lol
Load More Replies...this is how i lost my college money as a kid. all of it. never got it back. Didn't inherit any houses either. 🙃
I thought the account was predetermined when the whole thing was set up? Did they not have enough in their account to cover it and it automatically defaulted to the next available?
I share an Amazon account with my daughter. Occasionally something will go through on the wrong bank card. She also uses it for work and so I have addresses and people card details that I don't even know. Thankfully never put anything through on their card!
If you feel like this list was not enough for you today, we have found a few previous posts shared on Bored Panda containing hilarious tweets. From funny and questionable Tweets to the best and worst of Twitter, you are bound to find the entertainment you were looking for.
Well excuse me but this thirtysomething doesn't like wearing a raincoat because it gets all gross and sweaty inside.
They keep telling us the raincoats are "breathable" - they keep not being breathable
Load More Replies...We're all born waterproof. The more sensible thing to do as an adult is to put all your stuff in a waterproof bag and walk around town naked
FINALLY someone else who has the right idea about this!!
Load More Replies...I have a pink umbrella with flamingo handle, and I'm not afraid to use it
That's how we Seattleites can tell who is a tourist: Umbrella = tourist; no umbrella = native.
When I moved to Seattle, I was told that If you're going to live here you need a good hat.
Load More Replies...I rarely use an umbrella. Not because I find any negativity in using one. It's just that by the time I find the SOB and manage to get it unwrapped ond open, it stops raining! LOL!
The first tweet was probably made by a pacific-north-western, speaking from experience, ig none of us like umbrellas
Any colour umbrella will give you shade, doesn’t have to be black to stop the sun.
Load More Replies...Back when I worked for AAA, apparently I shook my ex awake and yelled "Do you want to renew your policy?!" and went right back to sleep, leaving her wide awake in the dark, thinking WTF just happened?
When I was a telephone operator, I used to wake up, hitting the button on the alarm clock, and saying "One moment, please.".
Load More Replies...According to my husband, I once sat bolt upright in bed and shouted “Catch that cuttlefish, it’s glowing”. He swears he’s never laughed so much in his life. I have absolutely no idea what that dream was about.
When we were teenagers, my youngest sister used to lead cheers in her sleep and guess who she shared a room with? Yeah, me.
Load More Replies...The other day my sleeping husband threw open the curtains at 5am, blasting me with sunlight. When I yelled at him he just said "I had to let the squirrel out"
Where is there sunlight at 5am? Unless you live in the Arctic?
Load More Replies...Yes, and all the lobster will be taken by the time you get there and some kid will be sticking his fingers in the mashed potatoes!
That’s why he said it in a terrified voice! :0
Load More Replies...I have night terrors, full on wake up screaming. One night I jumped up and shouted WANKER at the top of my voice. Felt sorry for my husband 😂
The first time I slept in the same bed with my now-husband he sat bolt upright and said "crouching tiger hidden dragon!!"
Didn't mean to copy that nearly word for word oops
Load More Replies...He went looking for fun and found love xD Task failed successfully?
Load More Replies...Or a mysterious lady dressed all in black with a black umbrella who smokes a cigarette a bit in the distance
When I was young, I was late for everything. My best friend would joke that I'd be late to my own funeral. In my will, I want to include a $100 tip for the driver of the hearse to be late. Take the long route, stop by a drive-through, whatever... just be late!
Actually, Liz Taylor did exactly that! https://nypost.com/2011/03/25/elizabeth-taylor-fashionably-late-to-own-funeral-service-at-her-request/
Load More Replies...If you know a potential Mafia boss having a slow day, he might think this is a fun diversion for your relative. Lol jkjk
Oh, I like the mob guys thing, but to make it even more sinister, have them all surround the coffin, have one guy pull out a mirror and put it under my nose and wait for about a minute or so, and then pull the mirror away and say "dammit" or something. Then he turns around and looks at the family right in the eyes really closely, with a sinister look like he's memorizing all the faces. Then grunts and waves to his posse to walk away: dark suits with bulges in their jackets all wearing the same dark glasses. OMG, I would tape it and have it played a year later on the anniversary of my death with an explanation. Now that's how you stay immortal.
Definitely couple goals. I’d personally love to be in a relationship with a girl who can have fun like that boyfriend can
Load More Replies...If you tie a balloon to their wrist, you can spot where they are pretty easily.
Thanks, now I can't unsee a pterodactyl with a fancy balloon on its wrist
Load More Replies...Wife or I will yell Marco! if we lose each other in a big store. And yes, shout back Polo!!
My SO will yell "CA-CAW!" like the loudest damn crow in the universe. So embarrassing...but I secretly love it. Shhhh!🤫
Load More Replies...Marry him, marry him fast! The man that has that good of a sense of humor is worth keeping. No matter what happens in your life, he will be able to keep a sense of humor about him and help you keep yours.
😂 my name has been Caca for over 20 years! Recently it's been upgraded to Cacky!
I've been "Aunt Gay-gie" for almost 20 years now. They're all grown up and can properly pronounce words, but "Gay-gie" never died.
Load More Replies...Queen Elizabeth II was called 'Gary' as Prince William (as a toddler) could not say Granny. hehehe
My paternal grandfather was called Adda, because I tried to call everyone Dadda. He's been dead half a century, but he's still referred to as Adda in the family
Went to school with a girl that everyone called Dee. Every now and then we'd have to do a thing were we told everyone our full names. Turns out her name is Cynthia and there's nothing in her name that begins with a D. Everyone asked the obvious. Turns out her older brother who was learning to speak when she was a baby couldn't pronounce her name (or the shortened form of Cindy) and kept calling her Dee so the name stuck. For myself, I could not pronounce my aunt's name when I was learning to speak. Her name was Geraldine and, given the good ol' North Carolina accents we have, I kept calling her Gerdine. Finally she said "just call me Aunt (pronounced like ain't)" so for forty years until she passed in 2021 that's what everyone called her.
My family is notorious for nick names that are just regular names. Majority of the revelations of relatives real names were in my adulthood. I am nearly 40 and just found out in July that my one aunts name wasn't her real name; I really thought I knew it l by now.
Load More Replies...My friends (siblings) call their grandparents gummy and bumpy because the oldest kid couldn't say grandma and grandpa, but tbh Gummy and Bumpy is pretty iconic
When my daughter was expecting my first grandchild, there was tremendous discussion about what they would call ME. Grandma and granny were right out because I always view a grandma or granny sitting on the front porch in a rocking chair with a shotgun across her lap and that ain't me. I suggested "Mimi," which is cute and is also a diminutive of my actual name, but my kids knew a Mimi that they hated so they nixed that. We finally settled on Gigi, which even sounds cute when toddlers are learning to talk.
Beep = grandfather in my husband's family. We have a great friend called Bim. I didn't find out till years later his name is really George.
and then complain and demand a refund if he takes longer than 30 min
These places may want to not offer delivery in extreme weather, putting their employees at risk.
My husband managed a franchise pizza store for a family member who owned it. We got hit with a hurricane. A stat of emergency was declared and the governor stated nobody should be on the roads other than emergency vehicles. The owner insisted my husband keep the store open or he'd fire everybody. My husband wouldn't let the kids drive in the hurricane, so he made their deliveries and gave them their tips until a tree fell on his car and he got a head injury. Owner still said keep it open. They argued, but the power went out, solving the problem. Husband wanted to go to the hospital for his head injury. Owner said he had to stay in the store since there was no security system with the power out. My husband had a mental breakdown that year, realizing his family member wasn't the person he thought he was looking up to.
Load More Replies...My dad ordered pizza during the May tornados in Oklahoma (movie Twister anyone?). Tipped the guy 20 bucks for delivering on a like 30 dollar order. Guy was so happy for the tip he asked my dad if we needed anything else "cuz he'd be happy to run to the store to grab us sodas or something". My dad laughed, said we were food, and gave the dude another 8 bucks.
If that kid is working during a snowstorm he probably needs those tips.
My thought too. What's worse, driving in a storm or working all night for no tips? The answer would vary based on the driver's circumstances
Load More Replies...I refuse to do that in any storm, rain or snow. I'm even a little leary during meteor showers.
My favorites are the ones who go get fast food on a holiday (like, do you really need those nuggets on Christmas??) And then comment how bad they feel that you're having to work on a holiday..... 😡
I’m guilty of ordering on a holiday if it’s a religious holiday and I’m ordering from an immigrant-owned business. Like I’ve ordered Indian food from a restaurant on Christmas that has a Ganesh statue in the dining area.
Load More Replies...Good question. What was first: egg or hen? Maybe he‘s been chewing and vacuuming for so long, he doesn’t even know himself what he did first…
Load More Replies...well the vaccuum is not that good with liquids so he was covering the whole floor with his spit.
you're not supposed to swallow sunflower seeds?????? I thought they were edible
Good way to skip all the bitchin' about never helping out AND seeds on the floor
Nope, they didn't. Congratulations you are one of us anxious people! (:D)
Load More Replies...I would do voices and mess everything up. Teacher loved how I read with fake accents and make me keep going.
I hated reading out loud. I'm an avid reader but got bullied relentlessly in the early grades. Fifth grade was the worst year. We were doing our reading one day. It was my turn to read and as soon as I started, someone starts going "wrong! You're reading the wrong part." I kept going regardless, reading perfectly, but the same person kept saying "wrong" after ever sentence. The teacher didn't bother to correct this student. Those early days did not shape my life well, but as I got older, people realized I was actually pretty smart and would seek me for help on something like history or geography.
Yes, either this or I would get through reading it great but then have no idea what I'd just said when the teacher asked. Can't do both when reading to an audience!
I would put my finger in between the pages we were on, then read ahead. A couple of kids before it was my turn, I'd go back and find where we were. Most of us did that. By the time the class was reading the second chapter out loud, most of us had already read the whole book. And the teacher wondered why we were not excited. Talk about oblivious.
Just like in law school - you'd count who would be called to brief a case, so you could prepare.
Went to Hershey Park with my then husband, now ex, and my daughter. Got one of those chocolate bars where you can have your photo put on the wrapper and gave one to my mom. After she died I was going thru her things and found the wrapper. She kept it all those years but cut my ex out of the picture.
Only if you wake up your human 45 mins before the alarm, get fed and then go back to the humans' bed yourself while the human is questioning his life.
Load More Replies...sleep, short walky, food, sleep for mine. He even "tells" me to start work so he knows where to sleep (bed or desk)
You guys ever looked at your pet and thought how good their life is compared to yours?
All the time. I like to tell my oldest dog "get a job!" Or "you think chicken jerky grows on trees?" Lol
Load More Replies...I have to wake twice a day for food to have with medication. Sometimes I fail
Whenever my great grandma would go out with her husband for dinner or a fancy night out they would stop at the department store. Great grandma would walk into the perfume section try a sample say “No thanks. I don’t like it.” She would then leave and have nice smelling perfume on for the evening.
Load More Replies...Everyone says she stole it, but I belive he could have been standing next to her in the shop watching her try it on and even shoving him the bottle and still come away with the name of "tester ", because thats whats the bottle says anyhow.
Apparently you and I are the only ones with that interpretation.
Load More Replies...In department stores, they will sometimes have "tester" bottles out so you can try the product before you commit to buying it. They are always labeled "tester" or sometimes "sampler." Apparently, his wife had been acquiring her favorite perfume by stealing the "tester" bottles.
Load More Replies...And yet also somehow more crust 🤢 Give me squares or give me sensory death, lol
Load More Replies...the most amount of sandwich is eating the whole thing, crust and all, without cutting it. like a true psychopath.
I am a true psychopath then, because that is exactly what I do
Load More Replies...I don’t know why, but after reading your comment and looking at it again it started to make me feel uncomfortable for some reason
Load More Replies...Floppy sandwich needs to be squares, quarter even. Anything that's liable to slide out shouldn't be triangle
This may be controversial, but I like squares for cold sandwiches and triangles for hot
Load More Replies...Yes!! Thank you! Square also results in a better crust-to-center ratio for more bites.
Load More Replies...When my husband makes sandwiches he cuts them half way between vertical and diagonal (22.5°) because they taste the best that way.
Pythagoras only got one of the angles right, so it is still not solved
Load More Replies...Also quicksand and piranhas are much less of a problem than I was led to believe.
I couldn't sleep for 2 years after I heard all the glaciers would melt and the world would be underwater by the year 2000... Terrifying
I had a house near the sea and sold it off cheap for this reason.
Load More Replies...Me to my partner earlier today at Aldi: "Remember, you can't swipe mine, you have to stick it in the hole!" Him: "That's what she said." -_-
DJs barky bark and meowie meow. Tripping the fur fantastic!
Load More Replies...I asked a grown man, "can you tap it?" He smiled and nodded. I didn't get it at first.
I had a therapist who talked about his other clients' problems. No one was named, but I still wonder what he said about me. I saw him twice and then found a different therapist.
I don't think that is how therapy is supposed to work. I personally would much rather discuss other people's issues than my own, although I doubt that it would be very helpful.
Load More Replies...Why does she know her therapist's personal business? I've been seeing a therapist for years and don't even know if she's married and has kids.
the last therapist I saw would talk about herself all the time. She let me know she was lesbian, married to a woman, that women are the next evolutionary step and men would be phased out and that I "just haven't found the right woman yet." Also she decided to comment about my personal life when I brought my boyfriend in and asked him what he thought about polyamory. Absolutely unprofessional.
Load More Replies...When you go to the therapist for therapy and leave the therapist needing therapy!
After I left Blockbuster, the next job I had was for 6 years. In that time, they further shrank, declared bankruptcy, sold to Dish, and then disappeared. I was job searching, and had the thought "who would they even contact to verify my employment? Does The Work Number do that for defunct companies that used to use them for that?"
Load More Replies...I left my job for 2 years (covid bs) and went back. I had to fill out all the paperwork and as I'm writing my last 3 jobs I couldn't help but giggle because my last job was there and the two previous went out of business. My only viable reference was them
Apart from my last job everywhere I have ever worked doesn't exist anymore.
They are actually reopening new locations in the US, so this person may want to pick another company to use.
Load More Replies...2 of my last 3 employers are dead and the third sold his biz and retired
The commute. It takes several cups of coffee before I can force myself to walk from the bedroom to the office, which is literally the next room!
My home office is roughly 5 steps from my bed. The one day a week when I go to the actual office now feels like an expedition to climb Mount Everest.
Load More Replies...Peopleing. Edit: as an introvert with mood swings from "GTFO how dare you breathe in my presence" to "what can I do for you on this beautiful day"
showing up once isn't s bad - but the fuqqers insist that I keep showing up, at the same time, every day.
Hearing your alarm going off early in the morning knowing you have to get out of bed to get to work
Getting phone calls every three weeks at 3AM to tell you that your store has been broken into again is also fun. The company was too cheap to put proper security measures in place after the first one. So I had to make my own break in tool kit and camp out in my car to watch the store until the detectives got there at 11am, then deal with the aftermath. If I randomly woke up in the middle of the night I'd be dressed before the phone even rang. Not once was I wrong about it.
Load More Replies...How exactly would they know how much the tip was when it's only the total that would appear on their statement?
My bank sometimes shows them as separate purchases
Load More Replies...Just hope you don't go to that same restaurant in the future. They might remember you. "Did someone order a spit sandwich?"
that's not what the guy who stole my Valero card did - too bad he didn't notice my Prius is a plug in... I couldn't use that much gas if I filled the hatchback with it.... he only got to use it about 24 hrs before I got a Notification that some suspicious activity showed up. What a maroon
I always thought college would be a bigger version of misery like high school was for me. But then I realized these people are paying to be here and actually want this, it is completely different from high school.
I loved college. It's all been downhill since then. ;) The real world sucks.
Load More Replies...My Junior English teacher always said, "I'm grading you to prepare for college, you know they aren't gonna grade easy in college!" And I was like okay so why am I doing better in my college English class then in yours (I was taking college classes in high school)
One of my professors was a surfer dude that called everyone "brother" and "sister", but was the most chill, most engaging professor I've ever had when it came to college history.
She shouldn't be throwing Professor Andy under the bus like that. Sounds like he did her good.
I had a psych professor who used to regale us with tales of his youthful drinking and LSD exploits.
My drug and the nervous system professor was same! He was also a head of the psych department. Chill af dude
Load More Replies...In highschool, we couldn't have cell phones, facial hair, wear certain clothes, etc... In college, hell be on your phone, come in looking like Gandalf (the Grey), Pajamas? Sure!
Mine were all relatively sane, electronics lecturer would lock you out if you were late, little Germanic looking physics lecturer (female) who would smoke cigars at the front of the lecture hall and a little Indian quantum physics lecturer who referred to anything outside of his realm as "Noddy physics".
Over sleeping only makes our bodies over tired. It’s hard to find that perfect balance.
'Over sleeping', now that is an acivity I haven't done in a long, long time.
Load More Replies...That's afternoon naps for me. Forget 15 minute power naps. I can't even fall asleep that fast, especially if I'm trying to. Instead I conk out for 3 hours then wake up feeling like I just got over the flu.
Your sleep includes 90 minute cycles of going through all the stages of sleep. Waking up in the middle of a cycle results in you being very tired. This is why I started calculating when I should sleep to ensure that I don’t wake up in the middle of a cycle
After years of chronically not sleeping enough, I think my cycles have compressed down to less than 90 minutes.
Load More Replies...For the weird a*s dreams I have. I need something to record them so I can scare the hell out of a therapist and get a nice padded room for myself in some mental facility.
The human body is like a computer. When you first start it up, everything is fast, vibrant and powerful. A few years later, It's starting to slow down and needs a bit of servicing. A few more years later and it has become a bit cumbersome and can't really keep up with the latest updates. Then it comes to the point where it takes some time just to boot up because it has so much work to do on what was once a massive sea of power, which is now such a small amount it would only pass as a puddle on a sunny day. Your only option if you want to keep it is to add upgrades and hope they work
If I could wake up naturally at the exact right time every time, I’d be fine. It’s the damn alarm that ruins it.
I once called a Nativity scene "Jesus, Mary, and that other guy." No joke...
I hate to break it to you... you need both hands to be ambidextrous....
Load More Replies...He’s a government agent and was following a target he’d tracked the the airport only minutes before. They’ve been trying to find this person so long, they couldn’t risk letting them leave the country without going after them. Eyes on.
Clearly I inhabit different corners of the internet. "Rawdogging for ten hours" doesn't make me imagine someone staring out a window..
Yes, but if you think of it as “engaging in an activity without proper protection “, it kinda makes sense…🤔
Load More Replies...As an introvert father I can relate to this guy. Are you ok? Yes, for the first time in a few years!
I wish ! I start my morning with a bowl of cereal if I don’t wake up late, throw some clothes on and walk to school with a back-breaking backpack. The learning about the Pythagorean theorem and all that stuff is still pretty accurate though
Yeah, school during gen X was a trip. Hit that last smoke right as you walk in. Also excessive eyeliner as well.
Load More Replies...That one silly time I ate flamin hot cheetos at the beginning of the day and ran that mile 😂
Also you eat lunch at 10:30 am and can't drink water, eat or use the bathroom except on your 5 minute break between classes, but you also have to go to your locker and then across the school through crowded hallways during that time and they yell at you if you are late
And millions of kids doing their best to get A’s while not learning a damn thing as if the point of school is to waste the investment society makes in you.
I have a friend who's autistic and last time I visited her, when she got sick of me she just straight up said something like "okay I want you to leave now". I appreciated the honesty and went home!
If you want your visitors to go in Germany, you say "So.", slap on your tighs and look at them expectantly.
Nope, German here, that doesn't exist. Either local to a certain town or just within one very special social circle somewhere. Edit: Fellow germans, we could make something up, though. But is has to be only one word. How about "ausbesucht"?
I'm all for "besuchsmüde" it has an Umlaut, that confuses people and I like that.
Load More Replies...no, there is no such phrase in german. It is at best a regional thing.
It should be illegal to post “there’s a crazy phrase in [insert language] that means [insert hilarious/amazing thing]”…and then not post the phrase in either the original language or translated! It’s like, “Today I learned a cool science fact! Did you know that protons are a really interesting size?!”
Ever wondered how they all want a guy with a good sense of humor, but only for a serious relationship?
I'd prefer a mature guy with a dark/nerdy/sarcastic sense of humor like mine.
My high school started at 7:30 am. By 8 we were ready for lunch. I took an 8am math class in college and it felt like the middle of the night. :) Now that I work from home I roll out of bed 2 minutes before my start time. I haven't even seen 8am in years now.
In high school I had 0 period, that started at 6:30 am. Also had 8th period classes. High school day was a loooonngg day.
Load More Replies...Well it's 8 am now and I'm in high school, what's the rest like?
My life changed completely when I started working remotely full-time for an employer in a different time zone. I sleep in every single day. As a chronic insomniac, this has been PRICELESS for me and my mental healh. Forcing people to wake up before dawn is a crime against humanity.
my workday is more than half over at 8am, so it is always looking pretty good.
Work in healthcare where 11pm is "good morning" to us night shifters.
Well, there *were* several of them. There was the yellow power ranger, the blue power ranger, the red power ranger, the green power ranger and the white...the power ranger that wore white!
Good save. My uncle was the gold ranger.
Load More Replies...I had one who claimed his dad was Adam Levine because they had the same last name
Load More Replies...my sister told this kid she was in kidzbop and he f*****g believed her
A kid in my 3rd grade class said his dad was Tom Brady and that he drove a Ferrari to school, like I watched you get off the bus
Well my dad can lift a house! ...Is what I told all the other kids.
This kid claimed he had a private jet that landed on his driveway and delivered Pokémon cards. Oh and hero Brian came to his world but his dad made a forcefield to stop him
One kid told me that he killed the purple guy (from fnaf, William Afton) because I was so afraid he was going to get me. It was sweet, but very untrue. If I had known then that he always came back--
I explained to my kids that the "light up headphones" and "sparkly jump rope" can be bought for a few dollars at the store down the street. I just donate $50 to the school and go buy their prizes 😆.
Did anyone else obsess over getting "Weebles"? The puffy balls with eyes glued to them and paper feet as a prize?
I'll give my son credit on this one. He wanted to sell the most chocolate bars one year so he could win me a PS5. I told him that was sweet of him, but there was no way we could sell that many bars and it turned out those who did were entered into a raffle to win the PS5.
Its a usa thing and honest ..i dunno why we did either ^^;
Load More Replies...My parents never let us sell when we were kids. They didn't want the school pimpin' us out for cheap, over priced junk. Lol!
Well, American be happy with a 0.50/hr wage increase while the CEO gets a multi-million dollar bonus and they be OK with that....
Nah I would’ve taken that $500 to gamestop. Like bro, it’s cash do you really think I’m about to take it back to the school
Leonid Rogozov... if you thing you know what tough means... check him out!
Yeah. I really wish they would gore too. I can't handle it well. Fine with butts but not blood
Load More Replies...This dude is the reason that doctors going to Antarctica must get their appendix removed before going. Pretty badass removing your own appendix though.
I have had my appendix removed, not for going to Antarctica, but because it ruptured. It was not a fun time... I can't imagine having to do that to yourself!
Load More Replies...How about the isolated mexican woman who had to perform her own C-section? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-inflicted_caesarean_section#:~:text=Notable%20case-,In%C3%A9s%20Ram%C3%ADrez%20P%C3%A9rez,she%20and%20her%20baby%20survived.
Wow. Unlike the self-appendectomy above, she had no anesthetic and no medical training. Drank 3 small glasses of hard liquor and used a kitchen knife. She needed some surgeries later, but both she and her baby survived. Unbelievable.
Load More Replies...Well there went my breakfast ! BP censors "Kill" --"Suicide"--"Boobs" ETC BUT NOT THIS ! ?
Or you live in America and can't afford surgery so you do it yoursef
So someone getting 'killed' is renamed 'unalive' by BP, yet open surgery blood and guts pics get the green light?
It might be my screen but to me it looks pretty much just like a red spot; no detail. Maybe they didn't censor it bc it's not that graphic? Idk
Load More Replies...You only really gain 1000 calories. The other 4000 end up in the toilet an hour later
Load More Replies...Way back in my early 20's (early 80's) nightclubbing days, Taco Bell crunchy tacos were the go to food to settle a hungover stomach. First thing in the morning. Was probably the grease, but it was yummy at 730a.
I worked at TB and I still crave their food, except for the nachos - that "cheese" is just nasty.
I've worked in food, I would NOT work in retail. I'd probably last a week before getting either fired or arrested.
Phone customer service is a mystery horror where at the end no one knows what it was about
Lars von Trier movie. You don´t know what´s going on, but you feel anxious about it.
Load More Replies...I've done both and liked them both--the wowrk and the people. It was the bosses that ruined everything.
So, if you ever worked these in Wal*mart, that make you some kind of retail veteran?
I went to KFC the other day, which I hadn't done in some time, and when the bored kid behind the counter asked what drink I wanted I was lazy and asked "what have you got?" He gave me this look like a lizard who had just decided this particular insect wasn't worth eating and said "...the stuff that's in the fridge." I went with the orange juice and he officially won that round.
With no hesitation. I'd even do fast food before retail. Not that it matters as Im now fully disabled and no one would hire me.
Load More Replies...Call center is like the Saw movies where sometimes I'd rather cut off my own hand in order to get away.
Oof... i used to be the little newbie but now i'm the elderly co-worker in their 30s. it happened fast.
I remember being 16 and surrounded by middle-aged women complaining about how annoying their kids and/or husbands were. It was weird but entertaining to say the least.
Lol, so true. Which is what now makes me scared to think how ancient my 21-year-old subordinate must think I am at 36
I don't speed, and I definitely don't race. It's stupid and dangerous. Buuut, I do like to get where I'm going efficiently, so I may accelerate up to the speed limit just a smidge faster than most people. There have been a few times some idiot thought I was trying to race them (in my stock family sedan for some reason). This is pretty much my reaction.
The other day I narrowly avoided a serious accident with some j hole college kid in a brand new sports car who didn't know how to work a roundabout. Plot twist. We end up next to each other at the next light. I'm spitting mad. Kid calls out "I'm sorry." I just yelled back "Not ok. Learn to drive." And then stared ahead till the light turned green. He didn't try and talk to me again.
For a minute, my brain didn’t brain and I thought you meant you straight up ate the plastic. Unless you do and my brain brained correctly the first time?
Load More Replies...Before my epilepsy was controlled I had several ambulances called (unnecessarily, but not unreasonably) for me when I had tonic-clonic (formerly grand mal) seizures in public when I was on my own. I'm in the UK so it was just horribly embarrassing and guilt inducing (for wasting their time/resources) but I was acutely aware of the debt I'd be racking up were I in the US. Brutal.
Similar here. I have non epileptic seizures and have a plastic card I wear around my neck in public which helps prevent them calling an ambulance unless I injure myself. When I carried it in my wallet no one would check so an ambulance was called before I could tell them it wasn't necessary.
Load More Replies...Unless you're in Europe, then you kicked their a*s and be their hero at the same time
My mma trainer works also as a dental technician. When he has to punch a guy on the street, he aims for his teeths. And after he punched the other KO he will leave him his business card. This is, what he would do, he told us.
Can you imagine actually going to see him though? You’ve punched each other and now, a day later, you are going to lie down next to the guy and he’s got anaesthetic, tooth extractors and a drill right by his side. You are placing a huge amount of trust in a guy you tried to beat up!
Load More Replies...Yeah, why not just be a bigger person and walk away. If possible
Load More Replies...Is it really $5,000 now? Used to be *only* $800 back in 2006... I hate their guts!
I prefer to use kids shampoo because it doesn't sting my eyes as much.
What not to like? Theres no sting and the conditioners are great for long hair as it detangles it without the pain. Plus you get the added benefit of smelling like a fruit cocktail. Win win.
Load More Replies...I'm assuming it's a shorthanded/corruption of "For sure."
Load More Replies...Because it strips the hair of moisture usually. Or it makes long full hair both dry and somehow heavy. I haven't tried a 2 in 1 in years though so maybe they've improved.
Load More Replies...Look for the platypus! It works great, and smells like a jolly rancher 😋
Sorry I'm dumb, but what id wrong with 2 in 1? I don't use it myself but never understood why people don't like it??
I only know from a long hair perspective but it doesn't condition. The shampoo breaks down the conditioner so it's not helpful at all for detangling which is mainly why I need to use conditioner at all.
Load More Replies...That's some pretty impressive printing & spelling for a 5 year old...Imma call BS on this
All good = clusterfuck and I don't know where to even start please go away so that I can have my meltdown in private
Okie dokie matey blokey means I'm so sick of your sh*t every time you are late or let me down
Elon Musk refuses to acknowledge his trans daughter, so everybody should call ‘X’ Twitter still.
How is renaming it X going to fix any of the recent problems with twitter?
Elon Musk refuses to acknowledge his trans daughter, so everybody should call ‘X’ Twitter still.
How is renaming it X going to fix any of the recent problems with twitter?
