We go at 12pm, point. I'm a hungry, hungry dino by that point and we don't want Jurassic Park at work

sorry, it's my first day on BP!

It's funny because you don't have a job anymore.

you didnt need to send them my way though ..

"I don't believe in incest, but this company has no barriers" sounds a lot better over tea

The hardest part about going back to work is not being able to laugh loudly at bored panda when I'm supposed to be working.

The ringing off my phone is my #1 source of anxiety. Anytime who really knows me would never call. Except my 89 y/o Auntie. She can call. And my future grandchildren, but that's it.

That counts! You're hired!

It's like the world's worst magic trick

"Can you explain this gap in your resume?" Can you explain this gap on your staff?

If you are late, you can just "forget" to clock in!

Me in a meeting wondering if bigfoot is fuzzy and out of focus in pictures or is bigfoot actually fuzzy and out of focus.

Mine just stares at me expectantly. All. The. Time. Like in her head it is ALWAYS cookie time and I'm just slow on the uptake.

That's the evidence! They installed cameras at my place of work. omg Please delete my photo before my family see it.

I know which two of my employees I'm forwarding this screenshot to.

sneak 100

I need an emotional support baseball bat, just give customers a quick, unexplained bonk when I get annoyed. Not very hard, just enough to leave them confused and stunned. And just never explain. Until the cops got involved. Must give them bonk too. Sorry it's late and I'm tired nad just saying s**t

Yeah. When they tell you not to lock the safe and yell at you when it is locked, then $400 goes missing on your shift, don't listen. Lock that s**t up every time no matter what your superior tells you.

Manager has a valid point.

The reason my manager just tried to trade me with someone from another store last week

I work at 911 and collegues are the only reason I'm still here

I’ve been doing that for 6.5 years now. Idk how many times I’ve said it’s not tomorrow till I go to bed and wake up

Sometimes the customers are idiots. I wish we had more bosses that didn't let their employees be treated like trash.

In matters of taste? Sure, whatever. In every other context? The possibilities for being wrong are endless.

Finish the quote for them: "The customer is always right in matters of taste."

Not on anyone's shift!

This

See I don't mind this.... the longer the meeting goes the fewer hours I have to actually work before home time. Unless of course there's a mountain of work already waiting and there's a deadline approaching.

Bosses hate that. I loved doing that. Glad I'm now retired.

Why stop there? Extend your vacation and stop working all together, become a nomad.

How quiet is the threshold it can pick up on? When my kids are having a "big emotions" day, I can rack up quite a lot of under-the-breath swearing.

I've gotten so sarcastic that even I don't always know if I'm serious

I spent all of yesterday thinking it was Thursday, it was Tuesday and I was sad

That's a little early in the day for me, can we make it 10.00 - 10.05?

I don't flip people off with my finger, I flip them off with my heart.

instead of being just grossed out about my pay.

'Have you tried restarting your life?'

I would actually prefer this

Must have taught middle school.

Thinking of the time at Husband's company when day shift removed part of the floor for maintenance, just inside a door, and forgot to inform night shift (or put up a sign or lock the door). Dude on night shift walked through the door and fell through the hole. His manager came to investigate the crash and screaming, also fell through the hole, and landed on top of the first guy. There was an investigation.

this made me laugh

Squidward is my spirit animal😁🥰

I did this before when I was a county sheriff's office dispatcher. I called another department (city) in our county. They had this really sour dispatcher and at the same time my husband was leaving my office to go back to the house (can't remember why he came by), so I'm looking at him and talking to the grumpy lady and I said "ok I love you bye!" And she was weirdly nice to me after that hahaha

I'd shout DING DEEEERRRG .. and tell them I think the doorbell is broken.

Do I want to know what the things are? 😬

lmao they're not going to listen, talking to a brick wall

"Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the Earth or slinks through slimy seas has a brain. Back where I come from, we have universities, seats of great learning, where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts and with no more brains than you have. But they have one thing you haven't got: a diploma."

Work! S H * T! You have to fire me too! Spreadsheets! H O R R I B LE! And me! We want to be here! L I E S! You can't fire all of us!

It all started the day I hatched...

Yes, give me all the juicy details

Then you could quit that godforsaken job

5 times every minute