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Mom Asks For Advice After She Finds Out Her Adult Daughter Has Been Making TikToks About How She “Traumatized” Her, So She Disconnects The Internet
Imagine how horrible you’d feel if you found out that someone you care about is saying awful made-up things about you online. Now imagine that ‘someone’ is a close family member. Like your own child. We’d be absolutely devastated!
It’s any parent’s nightmare to find out that their kids are lying about them on the world wide web. And that nightmare became a reality for redditor u/TraumatisedKid12021. In a very candid post on the AITA subreddit, the mom shared how she confronted her 20-year-old daughter after taking a peek at the TikTok videos she uploads. She took drastic measures to try and correct this behavior.
Scroll down for the full story in the author’s own words, as well as to see how the internet reacted, Pandas. Who do you think was in the wrong here? What would you have done in this case? What do you feel is the best way forward? Share your thoughts and opinions in the comments.
RELATED:
Some parenting challenges are far more difficult to overcome than others
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
A mom turned to the AITA community to ask if she was wrong to punish her daughter for lying about her on TikTok
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Image credits: TraumatisedKid12021
There is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ parent. There are only parents who do their best to grow and improve as people, for the sake of their kids. Redditor u/TraumatisedKid12021, the author of the post, pointed out that she in no way thinks that she’s a ‘perfect’ mother.
She detailed that her grown daughter doesn’t have a job, isn’t studying anything, and feels that her parents are to blame for her ‘trauma.’ It’s difficult to come to any conclusions as to what extent the daughter may or may not be traumatized without getting her side of the story.
However, going solely by the information that her mom presents, it appears that she might be attributing ‘trauma’ to situations that appear not to be traumatic at all. At the same time, the redditors who read the story noted that the daughter probably might benefit from going to therapy. Family counseling can be incredibly beneficial in situations like this one: everyone can get on the same page and start unraveling what’s actually going on here.
Some AITA community members believe that there’s a serious case of entitlement going on here. As we wrote on Bored Panda very recently, one antidote for entitlement while growing up is playing and socializing a lot with kids around your own age. When you’re made to solve arguments and settle differences, pretty much on your own without adult oversight, you start to realize just how valuable your ability to communicate well, compromise on decisions, and collaborate with others really is.
The internet and all of the high-tech gadgets we use in our day-to-day life is definitely here to stay. It’s our responsibility to not let them consume our lives and those of our kids. However, telling your kids they can’t be online is a tough challenge to tackle. Dr. Liz Donner explained to Bored Panda earlier that finding what to replace screen time with can be an issue.
“A screen is very captivating and can keep a child entertained for hours while their parents are busy getting other things done. Many parents allow free reign because they feel that the screen is harmless or even educational for their child’s developing brain,” she said.
“Limiting screen time increases the amount of valuable real-life skill development. Kids require actual human interaction to enhance their social skills and even motor development. They need to learn to understand real human facial expression, body language, tone of voice, and reciprocal communication skills,” Dr. Donner told us.
“Screen-free interaction with your children doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Reading a book to them as early as 6 months of age has shown to increase their language and reading skills later in life. Hands-on play time will teach them social interaction and motor skills that are essential to their healthy development. Lastly, we find that less screen time in the toddler years corresponds to lower rates of ADHD by the age of 7.”
Most internet users thought that the mom was right to react the way that she did
However, some readers felt like everyone was to blame for the entire family drama
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What do you think ?
Ches Yamada 2 years ago
You know, I'm just going to drop this here that quite a lot of very abusive parents *never realize* (or admit openly) that they were indeed, the problem. It sounds as if the daughter has issues, but I doubt the big, scary internet has anything to do with them.
Doctor Strange 2 years ago
I was going to say the same thing. We only have one side of the story, and no way to know just how true the parents side is.
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NG 2 years ago
NTA but it's kinda funny bc she's talking about her daughter on social media platforms too. Not like that serves her daughter any justice though.
serenyaa 2 years ago
Yeah but the girl posts videos of herself, the parent's friends may recognise their daughter, teachers and friends can recognise her and see how she talks about her parents. While we will never know who OP is
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Kennedy Kargeaux 2 years ago
I feel like Jane & mom need therapy. Jane because well... the obvious & because someone with "so much trauma" shouldn't be going without it. & mom needs it because she needs to learn how to handle this level of manipulation from her daughter.. this is a two way street. Jane didn't get this way just because of TikTok. She got this way because she's been allowed to get away with it her whole life.. it seems like she's never been told no, she's been spoiled since birth & she's so used to being the center of attention who always gets her way that now that she's an adult she's using whatever excuse she can to not be an adult so mommy & daddy care for her & coddle her for the rest of her life which isn't healthy for anyone in this household. I hate when parents act like they're so shocked when they're kids act like this.. but then they fail to see how they got that way. My step sister is also an only child & she's exactly the same way. Love her to death but.. she's got issues.
Natsu Dragneel 2 years ago
My sister is the same way, and my parents told us 'no' all our lives. Sometimes, it's just a disorder.
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deanna woods 2 years ago
I was very attached to my mother when I was a little kid. Being away from her was very hard. However, I never saw the situation as traumatic and I would never be talking c**p about my family on Tiktok. I have a Tiktok account and the main thing I tallk about is my political opinion and my artwork. Jane sounds like a spoiled, dramatic narcissist and she belongs in very intense therapy. She is not behaving like an adult at all.
J. Maxx 2 years ago
My mother suffers from migraines and has for most of my life. I would never fault her for that. This girl sounds like a tool.
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Anouk T 2 years ago
Trauma is such an overused word these days… for some people everything that happened to them that made them feel negative emotions or left some of those linger is a trauma… honestly I love the fact that we’re being more open about talking about our feelings and fixing things in our psyche but come ooooon, you can’t get traumatised by the fact that your parent went back to work part time :/
Poeha 2 years ago
My mom went back to work part time when I was 4. I said: Can't you just cancel it? Like she was going to a club lol.
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Lori T Wisconsin 2 years ago
Don't play the only child and victim card. I'm an "Only" and so is my daughter. We both had jobs in our teens and worked our way through college. Jane is a lazy, spoiled brat. I did household chores as soon as I was able to contribute. Growing up on a farm meant a lot of work before and after school. Tough love is needed here, not more coddling.
Kayla J 2 years ago (edited)
As others have mentioned, Jane needs therapy and should have started to receive it some years ago. The mom even points out that Jane is forever seeking some sort of attention partly because she was an only child and spoiled. The mother may have a point about the internet being an issue, but as others noted, she needs to look in the mirror as well. Jane may never find "her thing" as the lyrics go "The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't". Maybe do a soft compromise with Jane that if she agrees with therapy, they can start getting back some internet. If that doesn't work, she may have to go tougher on Jane before 20 turns into 21, 25, 30, etc.
J. Maxx 2 years ago
Anybody saying the mother was being immature turning off the cable and stopping the phone bill payment are the immature ones and I've got some other news for you...a lot of you act as if your entitled to certain things in life, like internet, NO you are not. Food, clothing, a safe roof over your head, respect if you show respect and love if it's granted. I've know a few entitled brats who parents really did the best they could for their kids but because of what some little shits on the internet told them they should have, they turned into monsters. If her mother didn't care about her, she wouldn't be sharing her story, and contrary to what you young folks believe, you are NOT always right and parents aren't always wrong. The fact that she's 20 and not even holding a part time job shows she a mooch who has no respect for her parents and if she can go online a whine about being so traumatized then why hasn't she asked to she a professional?
Veronica Jean 2 years ago
AH or NTA, you will never get a child to take responsibility for their lives if you remove the consequences of their decisions. A 20-year-old should not be without a job, not in school, and not contributing to the household at all. OP mentioned trying to get her to take an interest in things... This method has not worked, and will continue to not work because you have removed the consequence of her decisions. You are not helping her. You are just raising an inept adult that other people will have to deal with. I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is also a very hard on OP and OP owes it to themselves to stop making themselves responsible for another adult's decisions. That can't be a fun burden to bear 🫤
Celina Kiss 2 years ago
A few years ago I lived with my parents and for half a year of that time I was not in school or had a job because I was severely depressed. Thankfully my parents mostly left me alone, but if I had been forced to be "productive" instead of taking my time to get better I would likely not be alive anymore. It sounds like the daughter needs help, not judgement.
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Dorey Bell 2 years ago
While your daughter is acting entitled, you & your spouse created the environment. She can use a computer, at the library, to apply for jobs. She needs to learn self sustaining skills, so she can support herself.
Roddfergg 2 years ago
She still doing it. The daughter hasn't found "her thing"? Her daughter can look for, her thing, while she's working at McDonald's!
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2picklesinabun 2 years ago
Girl needs to work or get out. How is she not even doing chores?? I was assigned those since I was a kid!
deanna woods 2 years ago
The same for me. In my parents' house, we started washing our own clothes and helping with the dishes at the age of eleven.
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Jan Maunsell 2 years ago
Your daughter might be a Narcissist. Narcissism is a serious personality disorder that involves extreme attention seeking and manipulation of others to make sure that they are always the centre of attention. Narcissists will use your emotions against you whilst having no empathy themselves. Don't kid yourself that she doesn't know what she's doing , she does. The problem with this is that the behaviour is often enabled by people in their circle who end up so emotionally controlled that they try to avoid upsetting the Narcissist, to keep life on an even keel. She may not want therapy, but she definitely needs it. It should be a condition of her remaining in your house. You all need therapy as you need to try to emotionally detach from the situation and that is difficult without support. You could ask her to come to family therapy with you so she can "help you understand what you did to cause her to feel so bad" You MUST stop being scared of her and stop worry how she feels.
Mystery Egg 2 years ago (edited)
I think the problem here is weak parenting. Why would an adult 20 year old claim trauma about her mother going to work part time when she was 15 unless she wasn't raised to have a work ethic or understand the reasons for having to work? When I was 15 (my Mum had 3 jobs and my Dad worked full time), I was chomping at the bit to turn 16 so I could start looking for work and start earning my own money. AND we had to give our Mum half of what we earned towards household food/bills when we started working. Jane sounds insufferable, spoilt and attention seeking but you don't just wake up like that. No discipline, no boundaries, no learning the value of money or a work ethic in childhood. I do feel bad for the parents but I don't think they're blameless. Their parenting style was instrumental in creating an adult that behaves like a child at 20 years of age.
Yoel Shapiro 2 years ago
Sounds like she might have an diagnosed psychological disorder Try get diagnosis and counseling
AndThenICommented 2 years ago
Unfortunately, I have a couple family members that could easily be this 20 year old girl. Wanted for nothing, not perfect but very devoted parents. Lots of tears over the years wondering how to help these girls. They’re not bad people, but the world gets very twisted in their head. They are genuinely in a state of anxiety and it doesn’t appear their perception be helped - no level of cognitive behavioural therapy or being mindful can change their perpetual belief of being attacked. Their need for attention is pathological. Heaven forbid you actually make a mistake that even slightly affects them, it’s all they’ll talk about to anyone that will listen. I personally wonder if it’s a variant of narcissism. I really feel for everyone in this story and hope Jane finds the help that will help find her some inner peace
Candice Blanton 2 years ago
She is 20 years old. If she wants internet and a phone she can get a job and pay for it along with a place of her own or rent to live at home. She is extremely entitled. Stop coddling her. She is an adult make her grow up and act like one.
Roddfergg 2 years ago
That's the thing that is annoying me here. She's claiming her daughter is behaving entitled, the goes and justifies why she is still enabling this behavior. She has encouraged this, and refuses any responsibility for it.
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arcane_gamer (they/them) 2 years ago
Sigh. Jane is an absolute idiot if she truly believes this is trauma, and a giant a**hole if she KNOWS this is not trauma and is still claiming it is for attention, pity, or whatever.
Susan Bosse 2 years ago
Everyone here needs therapy. The daughter to deal with whatever and the parents to learn boundaries and to stop enabling her to do nothing. I'm in recovery for alcohol. When my mom went to Al Anon, she was able to "stop making everything okay" for me and I began to wake up. Prior to that, I had no reason to stop because I never real "had to," if that makes sense. It was life changing. That and therapy literally saved my life.
Rachknits 2 years ago
When people, like the daughter, are attention seeking it is often because other ways of seeking attention haven't worked, for whatever reason. It could be due to numerous issues including undiagnosed mental health problems, neurodiversity or unresolved trauma. Please don't dismiss someone saying they are traumatised without any undue reason. What is the motivation for this? Did the daughter experience something the mother isn't aware of but is too ashamed/scared to say? Support for the whole family is needed, there are clearly some dynamics that could be uncovered and resolved. Boundaries are really crucial and it sounds as though there have been inconsistencies here. No one is an island, we are shaped by those around us often in ways that we are unable to comprehend without support. There is love in this family but maybe a couple of therapeutic nudges are needed to get them back on track.
AndThenICommented 2 years ago
This is true. However, I know for at least one person in my family who’s similar to Jane, she’s most angry when anything turns out less than Disney sitcom perfect. It’s very much that if anyone does something she deems as ‘wrong’, which could have been not speaking up soon enough when she was bullied, maybe was late picking her up from sports practice when she was a kid, maybe her uncle was going through a dark time, etc - then forever those actions stick with her and she internalises it to her life as trauma and is triggered easily by even a whiff of the reminder.
Load More Replies... Mary Rogers 2 years ago
This daughter definitely has her mama wrapped around her finger. At the very least, mama needs therapy in order to learn to set some healthy boundaries and expectations for her daughter to become independent. Of course the daughter needs therapy as well, but if she's not willing that shouldn't stop her mother from going.
Poeha 2 years ago
The dad doesn't do much raising either. No don't take away the internet from our sweet darling. My dad would just demand you go study, work or leave. Don't sit on your lazy a*s.
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idrow1 2 years ago
They raised this girl to be an entitled monster, yet it's the internet's fault? Why wasn't this girl picking up the slack and making dinner? I was cooking for a family of 5 from age 11 and this girl can't help out at 15? They raised a spoiled house cat and are blaming everything else under the sun except their own parenting. Why is this girl still at home? Why are the parents still paying for her stuff? The father wants to cave and give her back everything and probably get her a present for the inconvenience.
Clara Stallworth 2 years ago
So daughter's triggered because mom had migraines??? Like, WTH??? I have friends in my life who've suffered from migraines over the years that at times they couldn't function. These days, medication helps take the edge off, but they don't go away entirely! Then daughter claimed that mom going back to work traumatized her because it affected HER routine as a teen??? Like, ever heard of a "latchkey kid"??? Or, at least, taking up an after school activity to stay busy??? To top it off, daughter claimed that she lives in the ghetto, which wasn't true!! No wonder her followers called her a snowflake!! People in the ghetto tend to be tough, work hard and are no-nonsense, which she's not!!
Pin Taco 2 years ago
Kids just trying to jump on the "im so oppressed/victim blah blah i cant be held to any standards because blah blah blah" bandwagon. Its a competition these days.
TheKitKatLizard 2 years ago
Yeah, everyone wants to be opressed and symphaty bait on the interenet, which is especially obvious with people lying about their socioeconomic class....
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DC 2 years ago
We literally NEVER have the other side on any AITA. Usually, if it is very and even more than obvious that NTA, something is missing for sure - if the truth, nothing but the truth and the complete truth leaves nothing but NTA, why ask in the first place? Your daughter, from what limited knowledge we have, is a spoiled brat that will blame you no matter what. If you didn't give her whatever, that would traumatize her. Giving it to her with nothing in returen, traumatizing by spoiling. Any inbetween traumatizes two ways at once. Get her side. Or don't expect an answer. AITAs suck.
Kat Min 2 years ago
20 is wayyyy too old to not have started on the adulting path. Disconnecting the internet was an overreaction, imo, but the parents need their daughter out of the house into college or into a job. (what does she even do all day? 10k followers is not enough to work as an influencer. how deos she spend her day?)
Amused panda 2 years ago
Well, I've got to say even though Jane's not wanting therapy it sounds like she needs it. Maybe Jane is just an attention seeking liar. Maybe there is a reason Jane behaves the way she does. If Jane, belatedly, informed OP that being taken out by Tom on a playdate or to a grandparents' was traumatic, was she just clingy or did something happen one of those times? If Jane hasn't found her thing, get her into voluntary work; perhaps helping people who've actually experienced emotional, psychological and/or physical trauma might help her either understand she isn't traumatised or open up. NTA for cutting of the internet, it might even be the impetus Jane needs to get out into the real world. But OP and Jane need to start with a nice friendly conversation with each other, rather than trying to get answers or validation from strangers on the internet.
Kennedy Kargeaux 2 years ago
This is what tik tok is doing to ppl dude. All of these fake psychiatrists post s**t about "how trauma affects us & how you might not even know you experienced it or how it's impacted your life" etc etc. & now all of these ppl are talking like this.. especially younger folks who can't distinguish between a clout chaser who is spewing b******t for views & an actual psychiatrist or psychologist who is actually trying to help you... the difference being.... one of them is posting on tik tok 5x a day.. & the other is working with their patients one on one & helping them... but I swear my younger step sister is Jane... yet she's never actually seen a doctor for any of her self diagnosed issues... but she has so many that she has to announce them 30x a day... & it impacts her life so much that she can barely function as an adult... which none of the things she claims are wrong with her ever impact her when it's inconvenient for her..
TheKitKatLizard 2 years ago
Not to mention all the ppl lying about growing up poor for Internet sympathy lol
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Kim Lorton 2 years ago
Not the a*s slap miss Jane on her a*s as she is walking out the door to her new job, praying its a fast food joint! And make her pay for rent, internet and chores must be done! She is entitled and extremely ungrateful!
William Teach 2 years ago
Some people are just aholes, there's nothing you can do about it. And social media like TikTok pushes people, and not just kids, to make stuff up for social cred. They want to be Victims.
Delainey Macphearson 2 years ago
Ok , this grown child needs to get a job, start helping with housework and work toward getting g her own place. Jobs pay to support yourself whether it’s your thing or not. Any adult who behaves like this is selfish and just expects things given to her. She’s riding on the wave of, Oh wow is me, feel sorry for me, I WAS SO TRAUMATBY MU FAMILY,,,, bull c**p. What is astounding is that she appears to feel no shame. Sad satiate of affairs for a grown person.
Delainey Macphearson 2 years ago
I would have cut her internet off too. You want to live in my house for free and talk s**t, time to go!
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Joshua David 2 years ago
Jane needs an ultimatum. Get a job and contribute or get t f o. A or B. No C or D. Problem solved.
Mad McQueen 2 years ago
This girl/woman is 20. She needs to get off her butt. Get a job. Get a life. And realize not everything will be up to her expectations. And get out of your house. Because she's not contributing to anything except drama and being annoying
N Miller 2 years ago
OP had her daughter at 19, when she was barely into adulthood as it is. She has spoiled her child and raised a brat. Her comments about "offering" to take Jane to therapy just screams of someone who doesn't know how to say no to her daughter. So I'm going to lean closer to the AH side and say OP should have put boundaries in place at any point in the previous TWO DECADES. This is what is missing and has been missing. Would therapy help at this point? Maybe. Probably, but it'll be a lot of work for everyone involved - OP, her partner and the daughter. And it just doesn't seem like anyone is prepared to give more than token effort.
Johanna Briggs 2 years ago
I would've been back handed if i acted like that towards my parents. Im 34 and they would still hand my a*s to me. Internet and cell phones are privileges NOT RIGHTS. You do not need either to survive, and the internet is a problem. Reason being is all of the lazy influencers on different sites like tik toc and FB. They contribute NOTHING good to society, society DOES NOT NEED c**p like that. She's the way she is because thats what she sees on guess what the INTERNET. She needs a job guess what walmart target and winn dixie have computers in the stores to apply for jobs. Other place like mcdonald's and burger king still do paper applications. She wants to make calls the parents should get a land line. Her parents need to kick her out of the house, she wants sympathy give her a reason to actually deserve it.
ZenChickChristine 2 years ago (edited)
This is way too familiar and is why I have no contact with my younger stepdaughter. No self-reflection or personal accountability whatsoever and step parents are an easy scapegoat. She blamed her step dad for everything wrong in her life before moving in with me. I have a very strict stance on drugs and alcohol because I’m in recovery - it was made clear beforehand that there would be zero tolerance of any substances in the home. Yet somehow it was my fault when she broke the rule. Parents (and especially step parents) are an easy out for those that do not want to own up to their own behaviors. I’m not saying there isn’t harm in her life - her bio parents divorced when she was 13 and her mom is a weird mix of hyper-critical and enabling - but speaking as a survivor of some heavy duty trauma, there comes a point when a person has to take responsibility for how they act, regardless of their past.
Louise Platiel 2 years ago
Cutting off the internet and canceling the phone is still valuable lesson for an adult who should pay her own way. However I agree with those who say this family needs counselling to uncover whether daughter is knowingly fabricating for clicks and views or whether her perception of her childhood does include authentic feelings of trauma. Families often disagree on the perception of the matter but that shouldn't invalidate anyone's authentic feelings.
Scrogginj 2 years ago (edited)
You might be the ahole. I would need to hear her story coming from her to make an informed decision. Based on what you wrote, you are definitely NTA. But growing up with horrible parents that cannot name a single thing they did wrong, I do question what you wrote.
Okokok! 2 years ago
Mmh... 1st obvious thing that comes to mind, yes, Jane's the snowflake (as it's not that uncommon at Jane's generation) and somewhen something really went wrong when OP and her husband raised her. But considering that Jane is "traumatized" by every tiny bit she's experienced, maybe she has some sort of Aspergers. I can see many things OP describes in my nephew's behavior towards my bro and SIL. He also needs that focus and routine in his life and even so his condition is not that severe when anything changes or is unplanned he is really struggling to adapt.
SheamusFanFrom1987 2 years ago
I'm not bashing TikTok but these kind of abuse is why I avoid it like the plague sometimes. Jane needs serious help which I think pulling the plug on the internet alone won't help. She and her parents ought to see a specialist and if she refuses still, they're gonna have to drag her there one way or another lest they want something more severe happening (in this instance, I wouldn't be surprised at anything).
Michael 2 years ago
NTA. Short-sighted and naive but nta. Jane is an over entitled, manipulative brat. Kick her the f**k out of the house. She wants the world handed to her but wants no responsibility or accountability. And you let her get away with it. The problem with these types of brats is that people are afraid to use corporal punishment to discipline their kids so they grow up we ith nothing to fear and learn that there is no consequence to their actions. "Touch me and I'll cal CPS!" they scream and parents back down. No!!! Whip their a*s, let them call CPS and let them find out what living in the system' is like. No hardships in childhood has created two generations of kids that are unable to 'cope' with reality. They need safe spaces and hand holding into their 20's. They cry that life after college is sooo hard because they have to pay back school loans and want those loans wiped away. Well, guess what, most before you had to pay back those loans too and somehow managed to succeed. Blah!
the two youtz 2 years ago
Classic narcissistic/histrionic disorder. It's everybody's fault, not hers. Please. They are the toughest kids to parents, they are always on the defensive.
Deberra Engelke 2 years ago
You want to help her? Reconnect YOUR internet, pack her things and take her to a women's shelter. Advise her to get a job. Let her learn how to live rather than allow her to disconnect from life doing nothing good. Better late than never. Leave her future to her and God.
Ms A 2 years ago
Oh… that’s good. If she’s so traumatized, that’s the perfect place for her to receive support.
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Henry Shane 2 years ago
Hmm, tough one as I can't hear the daughters opinion, only that of a parent who disagrees with how they are being painted and will tell it in a way positive to themselves l. More likely the kid does have things she remembers that cause her pain, we all do. Doesn't sound like her saying this is a big issue other then how they think it makes them look..so disconnected the internet. Actually sorry yta., to many flags.
Luner nightmare 2 years ago
ETA mom is kinda being narcissist like "oh it's bad if she posts s**t about me on the internet but not if I post s**t about her." And the daughters being a leech in a way just clinging on for money and TikTok for attention while at spreading false rumors on someone.
Sue Bradley 2 years ago
I have known people like this and help is needed from very experienced health professionals. Boundaries need to be put in place, maybe start with one that you can keep to, it will most likely be challenged severely. This is not the parents fault or the internet, but likely a psychological disorder
Marla 2 years ago
The entire internet did an extremely poor job of raising my adult daughter. I'm actually moments away from calling CPS on the World Wide Web
S Jackson 2 years ago
Then again, people don't know the WHOLE story, do they? We got to think about all sides. Hope it works out!
Load More Replies... Andy 2 years ago
Not an ahole, but I think it's wrong for the poster to focus on the internet as the issue here. Issue here is that she is an adult, and supportive behaviour with a child is now turning into a barrier to her becoming a responsible adult. If she is living rent free, having her phone bill etc paid and no obligation to take any responsibility for her behaviour or contributing to the housework, what will be her motivation to change? And not being in school, or working, what is she doing all day? Likely bored, which is why she is sitting on the internet and posting things for attention/interactions. No need to kick her out, but stop doing things like paying for her phone etc, so she has to start looking for a job if she wants them, get her to start taking responsibility for her life
Tris Hunt 2 years ago
But you have to admit that there is a lot of negativity on social media that somehow burrows into the minds of kids, teens, and young adults. For example, and I know I may get downvoted for this but, Andrew Tate. He is a bad influence among a others like Kardashians where they are seriously toxic. The Internet does take a small part in this but maybe the daughter is just an attention seeker in general. OP said that her daughter tries to fit it everywhere, hence the attention seeking part. Yes, we don't have to full story, but at least OP said that she and her husband are willing to find out what they did wrong.
Load More Replies... Varnika Pachauri 1 year ago
ESH. I would say the entire family dynamic is dysfunctional. Social media can be a brutal place. If your daughter is lying just for attention seeking, then there is a bigger problem than the internet. I would suggest inviting her for a discussion. Listen to your daughter carefully, without judgement. As a parent you don't need to put yourself on a pedestal. You are a human being and you could be very wrong in some places. Even if she is lying, listen to her. Show her that you still care. Nobody gets to decide what events can cause trauma to somebody and internet is definitely not the place for it. Apologize for what you did wrong. Ask her to tell you how can you move past this and what can you do to improve. Do what you can as a parent. By doing this you will be modelling a healthy behavior. You will show that you are ready to change and since you don't know any better, you would suggest getting into therapy.
Varnika Pachauri 1 year ago
By punishing her you are only reaffirming her belief that you are an abusive parent. Take the lead. I think that first the op and her husband should start with therapy and then with time, Jane's involvement can be increased.
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Bunnie Hartley 2 years ago
Tramuatized by her mom's headaches. Ha wait till she has kids over own screaming in her ear during migraine.
Jane Dorothy Warner 2 years ago
Wow. Posts like this make me realise how wonderfully kind and supportive of me my children are, and they WERE brought up on the poverty line with me as a single parent.
Abandone d'Account 2 years ago
ESH; the mother either is abusive and oblivious (her blaming the internet access is the first red flag, her reaction is another, and the general way she describes her daughter doesn't sit right) and the trauma is real, or the trauma is perceived and the parents are enabling the daughter; either way, they suck. Trauma or not, though, the daughter is also pretty awful and entitled even if the mother is exaggerating. Trauma doesn't give you a right to be awful in turn.
Unfamiliar Tortoise 2 years ago
The kid doesn't need "therapy"; she needs 120 volts shot through that head of hers.
Shi 2 years ago
I'm not gonna lie, this is one of the most suspicious AITA I've read in a while. I wish we had Jane's handle, because the way this woman talks makes me think we're missing so much of the story. I have seen a lot of people comment on the issue of this woman talking mad c**p about her daughter, and then promptly blaming the internet instead of her parenting. However, I think we need to question the character of the type of person who would do that sort of thing. I'm not saying the daughter is in the right because we have no idea what her side is. But I do know this woman is showing text book signs of an abuser being called out.
Ruben Staal 2 years ago
I think that the parent is the A bc she definitely spoiled her child too much because if your 20 and still living off your mom thinking its alright to not even pay your own phonebill by getting a job or smth like that is just stupid i think the parent should honestly kick her out if she doesn't get a job
Gizmo TeknoDekkeR 2 years ago
This sounds like the arguments between my daughter and ex wife. Ex wife is ademant that every daughter does is wrong or that she is broken and needs help. She needs to actually check herself first. Left her due to constant gas lighting. Daughter actually asked yesterday why I stayed as long as I did lol. ESH, parenting isn't easy but it's also not rocket science.
Amy hipps 2 years ago
The daughter has issues because she is a spoiled brat. The parents are still letting her live thier for free. They mentioned therapy she said no and now they don't know what to do? Really? Think it is 15 years too late but she needed structure and discipline as well as a therapist.
Stephanie Taylor 2 years ago
I think your daughter need to get out of your house her as is grown my momma always said when you think you're grown in my house get your own because no one plays house in my house amen kick her OUT
Ally Joy 2 years ago
The mom was 19 when she had this child ... it's a child having a child. Both need therapy.
No 2 years ago
my mother was 19 when she had me. im doing fine. its about how you raise the child not how old you are
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Lara Verne 2 years ago (edited)
Jane is an adult woman, but she doesn't behave like one at all. But her attention-seeking behaviour seems to be more than just entitlement, and I doubt it was caused by internet access. I feel that OP did not tell us everything and issue is something else than daughter being "traumatized" by temporary absence of her mother. Jane might have some undiagnosed disorder. And even if not, she needs therapy, and her parents too.
Celina Kiss 2 years ago
I have a strong feeling that Jane has not and is still not being treated like an adult by her parents, so you can't expect her to act like one.
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Justin Guillaume 2 years ago
Many parents don't try at all. They refuse to talk to the school their children attend to discuss issues, they spend their family time on their phones instead, and they refuse to get therapy or put the work into improving their family relationships. Once it is too late and their children are processing the damage from the neglect/abuse, those parents say "I tride my best." Well you didn't try your best. You didn't try at all and saying otherwise doesn't change that.
Abbelius 2 years ago
Are you any of the parties involved? Or is this just one of those "because it's on Reddit" things? Just curious.
Load More Replies... Ches Yamada 2 years ago
You know, I'm just going to drop this here that quite a lot of very abusive parents *never realize* (or admit openly) that they were indeed, the problem. It sounds as if the daughter has issues, but I doubt the big, scary internet has anything to do with them.
Doctor Strange 2 years ago
I was going to say the same thing. We only have one side of the story, and no way to know just how true the parents side is.
Load More Replies... NG 2 years ago
NTA but it's kinda funny bc she's talking about her daughter on social media platforms too. Not like that serves her daughter any justice though.
serenyaa 2 years ago
Yeah but the girl posts videos of herself, the parent's friends may recognise their daughter, teachers and friends can recognise her and see how she talks about her parents. While we will never know who OP is
Load More Replies... Kennedy Kargeaux 2 years ago
I feel like Jane & mom need therapy. Jane because well... the obvious & because someone with "so much trauma" shouldn't be going without it. & mom needs it because she needs to learn how to handle this level of manipulation from her daughter.. this is a two way street. Jane didn't get this way just because of TikTok. She got this way because she's been allowed to get away with it her whole life.. it seems like she's never been told no, she's been spoiled since birth & she's so used to being the center of attention who always gets her way that now that she's an adult she's using whatever excuse she can to not be an adult so mommy & daddy care for her & coddle her for the rest of her life which isn't healthy for anyone in this household. I hate when parents act like they're so shocked when they're kids act like this.. but then they fail to see how they got that way. My step sister is also an only child & she's exactly the same way. Love her to death but.. she's got issues.
Natsu Dragneel 2 years ago
My sister is the same way, and my parents told us 'no' all our lives. Sometimes, it's just a disorder.
Load More Replies... deanna woods 2 years ago
I was very attached to my mother when I was a little kid. Being away from her was very hard. However, I never saw the situation as traumatic and I would never be talking c**p about my family on Tiktok. I have a Tiktok account and the main thing I tallk about is my political opinion and my artwork. Jane sounds like a spoiled, dramatic narcissist and she belongs in very intense therapy. She is not behaving like an adult at all.
J. Maxx 2 years ago
My mother suffers from migraines and has for most of my life. I would never fault her for that. This girl sounds like a tool.
Load More Replies... Anouk T 2 years ago
Trauma is such an overused word these days… for some people everything that happened to them that made them feel negative emotions or left some of those linger is a trauma… honestly I love the fact that we’re being more open about talking about our feelings and fixing things in our psyche but come ooooon, you can’t get traumatised by the fact that your parent went back to work part time :/
Poeha 2 years ago
My mom went back to work part time when I was 4. I said: Can't you just cancel it? Like she was going to a club lol.
Load More Replies... Lori T Wisconsin 2 years ago
Don't play the only child and victim card. I'm an "Only" and so is my daughter. We both had jobs in our teens and worked our way through college. Jane is a lazy, spoiled brat. I did household chores as soon as I was able to contribute. Growing up on a farm meant a lot of work before and after school. Tough love is needed here, not more coddling.
Kayla J 2 years ago (edited)
As others have mentioned, Jane needs therapy and should have started to receive it some years ago. The mom even points out that Jane is forever seeking some sort of attention partly because she was an only child and spoiled. The mother may have a point about the internet being an issue, but as others noted, she needs to look in the mirror as well. Jane may never find "her thing" as the lyrics go "The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't". Maybe do a soft compromise with Jane that if she agrees with therapy, they can start getting back some internet. If that doesn't work, she may have to go tougher on Jane before 20 turns into 21, 25, 30, etc.
J. Maxx 2 years ago
Anybody saying the mother was being immature turning off the cable and stopping the phone bill payment are the immature ones and I've got some other news for you...a lot of you act as if your entitled to certain things in life, like internet, NO you are not. Food, clothing, a safe roof over your head, respect if you show respect and love if it's granted. I've know a few entitled brats who parents really did the best they could for their kids but because of what some little shits on the internet told them they should have, they turned into monsters. If her mother didn't care about her, she wouldn't be sharing her story, and contrary to what you young folks believe, you are NOT always right and parents aren't always wrong. The fact that she's 20 and not even holding a part time job shows she a mooch who has no respect for her parents and if she can go online a whine about being so traumatized then why hasn't she asked to she a professional?
Veronica Jean 2 years ago
AH or NTA, you will never get a child to take responsibility for their lives if you remove the consequences of their decisions. A 20-year-old should not be without a job, not in school, and not contributing to the household at all. OP mentioned trying to get her to take an interest in things... This method has not worked, and will continue to not work because you have removed the consequence of her decisions. You are not helping her. You are just raising an inept adult that other people will have to deal with. I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is also a very hard on OP and OP owes it to themselves to stop making themselves responsible for another adult's decisions. That can't be a fun burden to bear 🫤
Celina Kiss 2 years ago
A few years ago I lived with my parents and for half a year of that time I was not in school or had a job because I was severely depressed. Thankfully my parents mostly left me alone, but if I had been forced to be "productive" instead of taking my time to get better I would likely not be alive anymore. It sounds like the daughter needs help, not judgement.
Load More Replies... Dorey Bell 2 years ago
While your daughter is acting entitled, you & your spouse created the environment. She can use a computer, at the library, to apply for jobs. She needs to learn self sustaining skills, so she can support herself.
Roddfergg 2 years ago
She still doing it. The daughter hasn't found "her thing"? Her daughter can look for, her thing, while she's working at McDonald's!
Load More Replies... 2picklesinabun 2 years ago
Girl needs to work or get out. How is she not even doing chores?? I was assigned those since I was a kid!
deanna woods 2 years ago
The same for me. In my parents' house, we started washing our own clothes and helping with the dishes at the age of eleven.
Load More Replies... Jan Maunsell 2 years ago
Your daughter might be a Narcissist. Narcissism is a serious personality disorder that involves extreme attention seeking and manipulation of others to make sure that they are always the centre of attention. Narcissists will use your emotions against you whilst having no empathy themselves. Don't kid yourself that she doesn't know what she's doing , she does. The problem with this is that the behaviour is often enabled by people in their circle who end up so emotionally controlled that they try to avoid upsetting the Narcissist, to keep life on an even keel. She may not want therapy, but she definitely needs it. It should be a condition of her remaining in your house. You all need therapy as you need to try to emotionally detach from the situation and that is difficult without support. You could ask her to come to family therapy with you so she can "help you understand what you did to cause her to feel so bad" You MUST stop being scared of her and stop worry how she feels.
Mystery Egg 2 years ago (edited)
I think the problem here is weak parenting. Why would an adult 20 year old claim trauma about her mother going to work part time when she was 15 unless she wasn't raised to have a work ethic or understand the reasons for having to work? When I was 15 (my Mum had 3 jobs and my Dad worked full time), I was chomping at the bit to turn 16 so I could start looking for work and start earning my own money. AND we had to give our Mum half of what we earned towards household food/bills when we started working. Jane sounds insufferable, spoilt and attention seeking but you don't just wake up like that. No discipline, no boundaries, no learning the value of money or a work ethic in childhood. I do feel bad for the parents but I don't think they're blameless. Their parenting style was instrumental in creating an adult that behaves like a child at 20 years of age.
Yoel Shapiro 2 years ago
Sounds like she might have an diagnosed psychological disorder Try get diagnosis and counseling
AndThenICommented 2 years ago
Unfortunately, I have a couple family members that could easily be this 20 year old girl. Wanted for nothing, not perfect but very devoted parents. Lots of tears over the years wondering how to help these girls. They’re not bad people, but the world gets very twisted in their head. They are genuinely in a state of anxiety and it doesn’t appear their perception be helped - no level of cognitive behavioural therapy or being mindful can change their perpetual belief of being attacked. Their need for attention is pathological. Heaven forbid you actually make a mistake that even slightly affects them, it’s all they’ll talk about to anyone that will listen. I personally wonder if it’s a variant of narcissism. I really feel for everyone in this story and hope Jane finds the help that will help find her some inner peace
Candice Blanton 2 years ago
She is 20 years old. If she wants internet and a phone she can get a job and pay for it along with a place of her own or rent to live at home. She is extremely entitled. Stop coddling her. She is an adult make her grow up and act like one.
Roddfergg 2 years ago
That's the thing that is annoying me here. She's claiming her daughter is behaving entitled, the goes and justifies why she is still enabling this behavior. She has encouraged this, and refuses any responsibility for it.
Load More Replies... arcane_gamer (they/them) 2 years ago
Sigh. Jane is an absolute idiot if she truly believes this is trauma, and a giant a**hole if she KNOWS this is not trauma and is still claiming it is for attention, pity, or whatever.
Susan Bosse 2 years ago
Everyone here needs therapy. The daughter to deal with whatever and the parents to learn boundaries and to stop enabling her to do nothing. I'm in recovery for alcohol. When my mom went to Al Anon, she was able to "stop making everything okay" for me and I began to wake up. Prior to that, I had no reason to stop because I never real "had to," if that makes sense. It was life changing. That and therapy literally saved my life.
Rachknits 2 years ago
When people, like the daughter, are attention seeking it is often because other ways of seeking attention haven't worked, for whatever reason. It could be due to numerous issues including undiagnosed mental health problems, neurodiversity or unresolved trauma. Please don't dismiss someone saying they are traumatised without any undue reason. What is the motivation for this? Did the daughter experience something the mother isn't aware of but is too ashamed/scared to say? Support for the whole family is needed, there are clearly some dynamics that could be uncovered and resolved. Boundaries are really crucial and it sounds as though there have been inconsistencies here. No one is an island, we are shaped by those around us often in ways that we are unable to comprehend without support. There is love in this family but maybe a couple of therapeutic nudges are needed to get them back on track.
AndThenICommented 2 years ago
This is true. However, I know for at least one person in my family who’s similar to Jane, she’s most angry when anything turns out less than Disney sitcom perfect. It’s very much that if anyone does something she deems as ‘wrong’, which could have been not speaking up soon enough when she was bullied, maybe was late picking her up from sports practice when she was a kid, maybe her uncle was going through a dark time, etc - then forever those actions stick with her and she internalises it to her life as trauma and is triggered easily by even a whiff of the reminder.
Load More Replies... Mary Rogers 2 years ago
This daughter definitely has her mama wrapped around her finger. At the very least, mama needs therapy in order to learn to set some healthy boundaries and expectations for her daughter to become independent. Of course the daughter needs therapy as well, but if she's not willing that shouldn't stop her mother from going.
Poeha 2 years ago
The dad doesn't do much raising either. No don't take away the internet from our sweet darling. My dad would just demand you go study, work or leave. Don't sit on your lazy a*s.
Load More Replies... idrow1 2 years ago
They raised this girl to be an entitled monster, yet it's the internet's fault? Why wasn't this girl picking up the slack and making dinner? I was cooking for a family of 5 from age 11 and this girl can't help out at 15? They raised a spoiled house cat and are blaming everything else under the sun except their own parenting. Why is this girl still at home? Why are the parents still paying for her stuff? The father wants to cave and give her back everything and probably get her a present for the inconvenience.
Clara Stallworth 2 years ago
So daughter's triggered because mom had migraines??? Like, WTH??? I have friends in my life who've suffered from migraines over the years that at times they couldn't function. These days, medication helps take the edge off, but they don't go away entirely! Then daughter claimed that mom going back to work traumatized her because it affected HER routine as a teen??? Like, ever heard of a "latchkey kid"??? Or, at least, taking up an after school activity to stay busy??? To top it off, daughter claimed that she lives in the ghetto, which wasn't true!! No wonder her followers called her a snowflake!! People in the ghetto tend to be tough, work hard and are no-nonsense, which she's not!!
Pin Taco 2 years ago
Kids just trying to jump on the "im so oppressed/victim blah blah i cant be held to any standards because blah blah blah" bandwagon. Its a competition these days.
TheKitKatLizard 2 years ago
Yeah, everyone wants to be opressed and symphaty bait on the interenet, which is especially obvious with people lying about their socioeconomic class....
Load More Replies... DC 2 years ago
We literally NEVER have the other side on any AITA. Usually, if it is very and even more than obvious that NTA, something is missing for sure - if the truth, nothing but the truth and the complete truth leaves nothing but NTA, why ask in the first place? Your daughter, from what limited knowledge we have, is a spoiled brat that will blame you no matter what. If you didn't give her whatever, that would traumatize her. Giving it to her with nothing in returen, traumatizing by spoiling. Any inbetween traumatizes two ways at once. Get her side. Or don't expect an answer. AITAs suck.
Kat Min 2 years ago
20 is wayyyy too old to not have started on the adulting path. Disconnecting the internet was an overreaction, imo, but the parents need their daughter out of the house into college or into a job. (what does she even do all day? 10k followers is not enough to work as an influencer. how deos she spend her day?)
Amused panda 2 years ago
Well, I've got to say even though Jane's not wanting therapy it sounds like she needs it. Maybe Jane is just an attention seeking liar. Maybe there is a reason Jane behaves the way she does. If Jane, belatedly, informed OP that being taken out by Tom on a playdate or to a grandparents' was traumatic, was she just clingy or did something happen one of those times? If Jane hasn't found her thing, get her into voluntary work; perhaps helping people who've actually experienced emotional, psychological and/or physical trauma might help her either understand she isn't traumatised or open up. NTA for cutting of the internet, it might even be the impetus Jane needs to get out into the real world. But OP and Jane need to start with a nice friendly conversation with each other, rather than trying to get answers or validation from strangers on the internet.
Kennedy Kargeaux 2 years ago
This is what tik tok is doing to ppl dude. All of these fake psychiatrists post s**t about "how trauma affects us & how you might not even know you experienced it or how it's impacted your life" etc etc. & now all of these ppl are talking like this.. especially younger folks who can't distinguish between a clout chaser who is spewing b******t for views & an actual psychiatrist or psychologist who is actually trying to help you... the difference being.... one of them is posting on tik tok 5x a day.. & the other is working with their patients one on one & helping them... but I swear my younger step sister is Jane... yet she's never actually seen a doctor for any of her self diagnosed issues... but she has so many that she has to announce them 30x a day... & it impacts her life so much that she can barely function as an adult... which none of the things she claims are wrong with her ever impact her when it's inconvenient for her..
TheKitKatLizard 2 years ago
Not to mention all the ppl lying about growing up poor for Internet sympathy lol
Load More Replies... Kim Lorton 2 years ago
Not the a*s slap miss Jane on her a*s as she is walking out the door to her new job, praying its a fast food joint! And make her pay for rent, internet and chores must be done! She is entitled and extremely ungrateful!
William Teach 2 years ago
Some people are just aholes, there's nothing you can do about it. And social media like TikTok pushes people, and not just kids, to make stuff up for social cred. They want to be Victims.
Delainey Macphearson 2 years ago
Ok , this grown child needs to get a job, start helping with housework and work toward getting g her own place. Jobs pay to support yourself whether it’s your thing or not. Any adult who behaves like this is selfish and just expects things given to her. She’s riding on the wave of, Oh wow is me, feel sorry for me, I WAS SO TRAUMATBY MU FAMILY,,,, bull c**p. What is astounding is that she appears to feel no shame. Sad satiate of affairs for a grown person.
Delainey Macphearson 2 years ago
I would have cut her internet off too. You want to live in my house for free and talk s**t, time to go!
Load More Replies... Joshua David 2 years ago
Jane needs an ultimatum. Get a job and contribute or get t f o. A or B. No C or D. Problem solved.
Mad McQueen 2 years ago
This girl/woman is 20. She needs to get off her butt. Get a job. Get a life. And realize not everything will be up to her expectations. And get out of your house. Because she's not contributing to anything except drama and being annoying
N Miller 2 years ago
OP had her daughter at 19, when she was barely into adulthood as it is. She has spoiled her child and raised a brat. Her comments about "offering" to take Jane to therapy just screams of someone who doesn't know how to say no to her daughter. So I'm going to lean closer to the AH side and say OP should have put boundaries in place at any point in the previous TWO DECADES. This is what is missing and has been missing. Would therapy help at this point? Maybe. Probably, but it'll be a lot of work for everyone involved - OP, her partner and the daughter. And it just doesn't seem like anyone is prepared to give more than token effort.
Johanna Briggs 2 years ago
I would've been back handed if i acted like that towards my parents. Im 34 and they would still hand my a*s to me. Internet and cell phones are privileges NOT RIGHTS. You do not need either to survive, and the internet is a problem. Reason being is all of the lazy influencers on different sites like tik toc and FB. They contribute NOTHING good to society, society DOES NOT NEED c**p like that. She's the way she is because thats what she sees on guess what the INTERNET. She needs a job guess what walmart target and winn dixie have computers in the stores to apply for jobs. Other place like mcdonald's and burger king still do paper applications. She wants to make calls the parents should get a land line. Her parents need to kick her out of the house, she wants sympathy give her a reason to actually deserve it.
ZenChickChristine 2 years ago (edited)
This is way too familiar and is why I have no contact with my younger stepdaughter. No self-reflection or personal accountability whatsoever and step parents are an easy scapegoat. She blamed her step dad for everything wrong in her life before moving in with me. I have a very strict stance on drugs and alcohol because I’m in recovery - it was made clear beforehand that there would be zero tolerance of any substances in the home. Yet somehow it was my fault when she broke the rule. Parents (and especially step parents) are an easy out for those that do not want to own up to their own behaviors. I’m not saying there isn’t harm in her life - her bio parents divorced when she was 13 and her mom is a weird mix of hyper-critical and enabling - but speaking as a survivor of some heavy duty trauma, there comes a point when a person has to take responsibility for how they act, regardless of their past.
Louise Platiel 2 years ago
Cutting off the internet and canceling the phone is still valuable lesson for an adult who should pay her own way. However I agree with those who say this family needs counselling to uncover whether daughter is knowingly fabricating for clicks and views or whether her perception of her childhood does include authentic feelings of trauma. Families often disagree on the perception of the matter but that shouldn't invalidate anyone's authentic feelings.
Scrogginj 2 years ago (edited)
You might be the ahole. I would need to hear her story coming from her to make an informed decision. Based on what you wrote, you are definitely NTA. But growing up with horrible parents that cannot name a single thing they did wrong, I do question what you wrote.
Okokok! 2 years ago
Mmh... 1st obvious thing that comes to mind, yes, Jane's the snowflake (as it's not that uncommon at Jane's generation) and somewhen something really went wrong when OP and her husband raised her. But considering that Jane is "traumatized" by every tiny bit she's experienced, maybe she has some sort of Aspergers. I can see many things OP describes in my nephew's behavior towards my bro and SIL. He also needs that focus and routine in his life and even so his condition is not that severe when anything changes or is unplanned he is really struggling to adapt.
SheamusFanFrom1987 2 years ago
I'm not bashing TikTok but these kind of abuse is why I avoid it like the plague sometimes. Jane needs serious help which I think pulling the plug on the internet alone won't help. She and her parents ought to see a specialist and if she refuses still, they're gonna have to drag her there one way or another lest they want something more severe happening (in this instance, I wouldn't be surprised at anything).
Michael 2 years ago
NTA. Short-sighted and naive but nta. Jane is an over entitled, manipulative brat. Kick her the f**k out of the house. She wants the world handed to her but wants no responsibility or accountability. And you let her get away with it. The problem with these types of brats is that people are afraid to use corporal punishment to discipline their kids so they grow up we ith nothing to fear and learn that there is no consequence to their actions. "Touch me and I'll cal CPS!" they scream and parents back down. No!!! Whip their a*s, let them call CPS and let them find out what living in the system' is like. No hardships in childhood has created two generations of kids that are unable to 'cope' with reality. They need safe spaces and hand holding into their 20's. They cry that life after college is sooo hard because they have to pay back school loans and want those loans wiped away. Well, guess what, most before you had to pay back those loans too and somehow managed to succeed. Blah!
the two youtz 2 years ago
Classic narcissistic/histrionic disorder. It's everybody's fault, not hers. Please. They are the toughest kids to parents, they are always on the defensive.
Deberra Engelke 2 years ago
You want to help her? Reconnect YOUR internet, pack her things and take her to a women's shelter. Advise her to get a job. Let her learn how to live rather than allow her to disconnect from life doing nothing good. Better late than never. Leave her future to her and God.
Ms A 2 years ago
Oh… that’s good. If she’s so traumatized, that’s the perfect place for her to receive support.
Load More Replies... Henry Shane 2 years ago
Hmm, tough one as I can't hear the daughters opinion, only that of a parent who disagrees with how they are being painted and will tell it in a way positive to themselves l. More likely the kid does have things she remembers that cause her pain, we all do. Doesn't sound like her saying this is a big issue other then how they think it makes them look..so disconnected the internet. Actually sorry yta., to many flags.
Luner nightmare 2 years ago
ETA mom is kinda being narcissist like "oh it's bad if she posts s**t about me on the internet but not if I post s**t about her." And the daughters being a leech in a way just clinging on for money and TikTok for attention while at spreading false rumors on someone.
Sue Bradley 2 years ago
I have known people like this and help is needed from very experienced health professionals. Boundaries need to be put in place, maybe start with one that you can keep to, it will most likely be challenged severely. This is not the parents fault or the internet, but likely a psychological disorder
Marla 2 years ago
The entire internet did an extremely poor job of raising my adult daughter. I'm actually moments away from calling CPS on the World Wide Web
S Jackson 2 years ago
Then again, people don't know the WHOLE story, do they? We got to think about all sides. Hope it works out!
Load More Replies... Andy 2 years ago
Not an ahole, but I think it's wrong for the poster to focus on the internet as the issue here. Issue here is that she is an adult, and supportive behaviour with a child is now turning into a barrier to her becoming a responsible adult. If she is living rent free, having her phone bill etc paid and no obligation to take any responsibility for her behaviour or contributing to the housework, what will be her motivation to change? And not being in school, or working, what is she doing all day? Likely bored, which is why she is sitting on the internet and posting things for attention/interactions. No need to kick her out, but stop doing things like paying for her phone etc, so she has to start looking for a job if she wants them, get her to start taking responsibility for her life
Tris Hunt 2 years ago
But you have to admit that there is a lot of negativity on social media that somehow burrows into the minds of kids, teens, and young adults. For example, and I know I may get downvoted for this but, Andrew Tate. He is a bad influence among a others like Kardashians where they are seriously toxic. The Internet does take a small part in this but maybe the daughter is just an attention seeker in general. OP said that her daughter tries to fit it everywhere, hence the attention seeking part. Yes, we don't have to full story, but at least OP said that she and her husband are willing to find out what they did wrong.
Load More Replies... Varnika Pachauri 1 year ago
ESH. I would say the entire family dynamic is dysfunctional. Social media can be a brutal place. If your daughter is lying just for attention seeking, then there is a bigger problem than the internet. I would suggest inviting her for a discussion. Listen to your daughter carefully, without judgement. As a parent you don't need to put yourself on a pedestal. You are a human being and you could be very wrong in some places. Even if she is lying, listen to her. Show her that you still care. Nobody gets to decide what events can cause trauma to somebody and internet is definitely not the place for it. Apologize for what you did wrong. Ask her to tell you how can you move past this and what can you do to improve. Do what you can as a parent. By doing this you will be modelling a healthy behavior. You will show that you are ready to change and since you don't know any better, you would suggest getting into therapy.
Varnika Pachauri 1 year ago
By punishing her you are only reaffirming her belief that you are an abusive parent. Take the lead. I think that first the op and her husband should start with therapy and then with time, Jane's involvement can be increased.
Load More Replies... Bunnie Hartley 2 years ago
Tramuatized by her mom's headaches. Ha wait till she has kids over own screaming in her ear during migraine.
Jane Dorothy Warner 2 years ago
Wow. Posts like this make me realise how wonderfully kind and supportive of me my children are, and they WERE brought up on the poverty line with me as a single parent.
Abandone d'Account 2 years ago
ESH; the mother either is abusive and oblivious (her blaming the internet access is the first red flag, her reaction is another, and the general way she describes her daughter doesn't sit right) and the trauma is real, or the trauma is perceived and the parents are enabling the daughter; either way, they suck. Trauma or not, though, the daughter is also pretty awful and entitled even if the mother is exaggerating. Trauma doesn't give you a right to be awful in turn.
Unfamiliar Tortoise 2 years ago
The kid doesn't need "therapy"; she needs 120 volts shot through that head of hers.
Shi 2 years ago
I'm not gonna lie, this is one of the most suspicious AITA I've read in a while. I wish we had Jane's handle, because the way this woman talks makes me think we're missing so much of the story. I have seen a lot of people comment on the issue of this woman talking mad c**p about her daughter, and then promptly blaming the internet instead of her parenting. However, I think we need to question the character of the type of person who would do that sort of thing. I'm not saying the daughter is in the right because we have no idea what her side is. But I do know this woman is showing text book signs of an abuser being called out.
Ruben Staal 2 years ago
I think that the parent is the A bc she definitely spoiled her child too much because if your 20 and still living off your mom thinking its alright to not even pay your own phonebill by getting a job or smth like that is just stupid i think the parent should honestly kick her out if she doesn't get a job
Gizmo TeknoDekkeR 2 years ago
This sounds like the arguments between my daughter and ex wife. Ex wife is ademant that every daughter does is wrong or that she is broken and needs help. She needs to actually check herself first. Left her due to constant gas lighting. Daughter actually asked yesterday why I stayed as long as I did lol. ESH, parenting isn't easy but it's also not rocket science.
Amy hipps 2 years ago
The daughter has issues because she is a spoiled brat. The parents are still letting her live thier for free. They mentioned therapy she said no and now they don't know what to do? Really? Think it is 15 years too late but she needed structure and discipline as well as a therapist.
Stephanie Taylor 2 years ago
I think your daughter need to get out of your house her as is grown my momma always said when you think you're grown in my house get your own because no one plays house in my house amen kick her OUT
Ally Joy 2 years ago
The mom was 19 when she had this child ... it's a child having a child. Both need therapy.
No 2 years ago
my mother was 19 when she had me. im doing fine. its about how you raise the child not how old you are
Load More Replies... Lara Verne 2 years ago (edited)
Jane is an adult woman, but she doesn't behave like one at all. But her attention-seeking behaviour seems to be more than just entitlement, and I doubt it was caused by internet access. I feel that OP did not tell us everything and issue is something else than daughter being "traumatized" by temporary absence of her mother. Jane might have some undiagnosed disorder. And even if not, she needs therapy, and her parents too.
Celina Kiss 2 years ago
I have a strong feeling that Jane has not and is still not being treated like an adult by her parents, so you can't expect her to act like one.
Load More Replies... Justin Guillaume 2 years ago
Many parents don't try at all. They refuse to talk to the school their children attend to discuss issues, they spend their family time on their phones instead, and they refuse to get therapy or put the work into improving their family relationships. Once it is too late and their children are processing the damage from the neglect/abuse, those parents say "I tride my best." Well you didn't try your best. You didn't try at all and saying otherwise doesn't change that.
Abbelius 2 years ago
Are you any of the parties involved? Or is this just one of those "because it's on Reddit" things? Just curious.
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