There is a huge paradox about online dating. On dating sites, we ultimately present the date-able versions of ourselves. There are things about us we want others to believe. And then there is the real us, in most cases way less perfect than our well-presented alter egos. Lonely, desperate, yet hopeful, we secretly hope that someone would DM us for how amazing our profile is and wouldn’t turn their backs after discovering our reality-selves.

I have been working for one of the largest European adult dating sites for almost 3 years now. My responsibilities include customer service and approving profile texts and pictures of both the existing and incoming members. That means that I approve or delete around 900-1500 pictures and texts every day while listening to the problems our customers have on daily basis. To put it short, I’m one of the people to handle all the inconveniences our members might encounter and to reject inappropriate texts, nudity and faces that look suspiciously young. I have the corner table at our open-space office, doing the work nobody else wants to do.

As you may assume, I see a lot of different people in a day (and a lot of dick pics). I’ve learned to filter out the photos almost automatically, which means I don’t think I spend more than 5 seconds on a picture. It’s safe to say that already several months in, I ceased to see these well-crafted (or outright miserable) online-personas as individuals. Instead, I quite naturally started spotting analogies between the profiles which resulted in several categories of the daters that I hereby wish to present.

Thus, the profiles that I will present here are both real and fictional: they are inspired by a multitude of real characters combined into one unified stereotype. There are things that I see and there are things that I add from my imagination. Things that could have been real and honest, yet no one would ever add to their profile.

It’s something I write down on my excessive coffee breaks when I’m bored. You can view me as your experienced insider to the dating world. Or as a person driven borderline crazy by their daily tasks. Both of which are correct.

Do you want me to continue with this project? Tell me in the comments below. For now, I only hope this won’t get me fired ;)

XOXO,

dating_4_living

Exemplary Profile no. 1: not_ur_Babe69

#1 Status update

#Profile:
Everything is about money. Money is about power. And power, power is about sex. Money cannot buy you happiness. But money can buy you everything else. Something along those lines. Welcome to my Profile.

This is me, not_ur_Babe95. In flesh and bone. Staring at my laptop at Sunday 5 am, before my daily workout. Wearing my pink Moschino robe, having a 30 euro face mask (per sheet) on my face, freshly waxed and properly hydrated, looking incredibly sexy. I woke up like this. Well not exactly like this, but you get the point. I’m browsing through the dating site that I have recently registered to, because I lack some spice, some edge, some new adventure in my life.

#Reality:
If you’re begging for the real story, alright then. This is me, Samantha P., staring at my laptop at 5 am. In flesh and bone. Wearing my sweatpants, woollen socks and the warmest jumper I own. They turned off the heating about a month ago, it’s -10°C outside and I’m legitimately freezing. I haven’t gone to sleep yet. I’m browsing through this dating app I’ve been on for as long as I can remember. I’m looking for someone to pay my bills.
Dating, that’s what I do, ladies and gentlemen. I do dating for living. I’ve had some good times and some really, really bad times. And this right now, well, this is just a small bump along the road, it’s been way worse than this. But you don’t care about that, do you. Anyway, welcome to my profile.

#2 Profile picture

#Profile:
Naturally blond, blue eyes, skinny, seemingly taller than average.

#Reality:
I bleach my hair every 3rd week, I have eyes in the most boring shade of grey ever, I’m 165 centimetres tall and on 40 kilos because I eat a healthy and balanced diet (as they say, a muffin a day keeps the muffin top away).

#3 Public photos

#Profile
Me in my workout attire, a mirror selfie in a gym. Me on a beach. Me in a Lamborghini. Which I don’t technically own just yet.

#Reality
Once this guy came up to me and asked whether I would like to be a lingerie model. After a short negotiation, I said yes. One thing led to another, the guy sent me the pictures from the photoshoot at the studio, which happened to be at his place, the day after, and never answered his phone again.

#4 Profile text

#Profile
Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye. I look damn good tho^^
No creeps. Message first before requesting access to private album. No pics for money.

#Reality
Me myself, I’ve learned to scan profile texts in seconds. I’ve learned to scan profile pictures even faster than that. That’s how the attention span of a millennial works for my best advantage.

If I would ever need a letter of recommendation for a job (which is very unlikely), they could type in: the fastest profile scanner on the planet. I work faster than any facial recognition system. I work better than any security person at the entrance of an elite club for the rich and famous. Sir, just a moment sir, may I see your shoes and watch sir? And what’s up with that 30 Euro haircut? I think you just dropped something. Oh no, my mistake, that’s just your value dropping like the stock of the broke company of yours.

I wasn’t always like that. I once was quite a respectable lady, if you ask me.
Have you seen the movie called Carrie based on the book by Stephen King? Then you get the idea. When I hit puberty, my mom used to lock me up in my room as my friends would come to invite me to parties. After a short while, they just stopped coming. After a little bit longer while, I had no friends left. All because of my mother’s fear that I would get drunk and pregnant. Sixteen and pregnant guys, that’s the nightmare of every mother ever. Including the sixteen-year-old one. Therefore, I don’t blame her. So I spent the most precious years of my young age reading books and watching old movies about love. My grades were brilliant. I was a member of a student board. Blowing out the candles from my 17th birthday cake, I was still a virgin, because my parents wouldn’t let me out on dates.

Hah, caught you right there, didn’t I? Real story: I spent the best years of my young life reading magazines and watching romantic comedies from the 90’s. My grades were relatively good. I was a volunteer in a local animal shelter. My parents were moderately happy with my achievements. Blowing out the candles from my 17th birthday cake, I was still a virgin because I was shy and simply didn’t care about boys that much.

Ok if you must know, I spent the best years of my young life browsing Instagram and watching Gossip Girl on Netflix. My grades were below average most of the time, but I was good at math. I had 4 different dating apps on my phone. I haven’t gone to a single date. I had forgotten how to talk to people. I spent most of my time in my room putting pretty faces to my shopping cart, without ever reopening the matches for an actual purchase. I was overweight and had a skin condition. In real life, no one ever asked me out on a date.

Thanks for stopping by,
not_ur_Babe69

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