They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of you. I hold them down until the bubbles stop.

"Just say NO to drugs!"
Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

I asked my partner if I was the only one she’s been with.  
She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights.”

A wife was cleaning 12-year-old son’s bedroom. When she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags, she asked her husband, “What do we do?”
The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I definitely wouldn’t spank him.”

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos.
Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

Wife: "I’m pregnant."
Husband: "Hi pregnant, I’m dad."
Wife: "No, you’re not."

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

My family is like a treasure to me. You need a shovel and a map to find them.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather, Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

My grandpa has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

If at first, you don’t succeed… Then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Shout out to my grandma since that’s the only way she can hear you.

Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.

I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… But no one will do it.

Went to Disneyland because my daughter is obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

Do you know why I hate The Lion King song “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King”? If you think about it, it could be called “I Just Can’t Wait for My Dad to Be Killed in a Stampede.”

How do you know you’re ugly?
If you always get handed the camera for group photos.

I hope death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.

How do you ground a Gen Z?
Make them go outside and socialize.

I cannot believe there's no cure for obesity yet. I thought it would be a walk in the park.

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look prettier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

What’s the difference between a knife and your life? A knife has a point.

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now, he’ll really know what rejection feels like.

Of course God exist. How else could those foolish atheists explain that my girlfriend got pregnant without us ever sleeping together?

A blind woman tells her boyfriend she is seeing someone. It is either terrible or great news.

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it’s natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it’s natural causes. ‘Cause if you was younger, you’d have got out the way!

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can’t unscrew a pregnant woman.

My grandparents fought during World War II.
They ended up getting a divorce.

When two vegan parents get into an argument, is it still called beef?

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
You can hang the picture with just one nail.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don’t die.

They say make up love-making is the best… Which is lucky because all my love-making is made up.

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.
He was a great vet.

Stop elephant poaching. Everyone knows the best way to eat an elephant is grilled. 

What do you do when a person with epilepsy gets seizures in the bathtub?
Throw in some laundry.

My wife has been missing now for 2 weeks. The police said I should prepare for the worst. So, I told my new girlfriend that she had better move out.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up.

Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.

During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval. I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah.
Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.” My friend was the only one who laughed.

What’s the difference between a dinosaur and a lump of coal?
Sixty million years.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn’t expect for Valentine’s day… Chlamydia